A Fistful of Dinars
You're a dead man, Lycus. Dead men don't
need treasure.
Pardon me.
Xena! It's the Titan's key. Get the pouch!
XENA
Gabrielle, look after him.
Give me the pouch.
KLONIG
You don't think I've been following Lycus for three
years to give the treasure up now, do you? This
is the second clue.
Oops.
XENA
Thersites.
THERSITES
Hello.
XENA
I'm not surprised to see you here. You've got one
of the four clues to the Sumerian treasure.
THERSITES
Close. I've got two of the clues. Mine and Klonig's
here. He talks way too much when he
drinks. Lycus' clue-
XENA
Is in the pouch?
THERSITES
Yes and you're going to give it to me.
XENA
Oh, really? Hmm.
Sumerian, but hardly a clue unless you could
mean this.
Give it to me. It's useless to you!
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Oh, give me that!
There was a map on that parchment. Now, I
know where to go.
You coming?
Petracles has the fourth clue. I'll go to
him. I know him better than you do.
GABRIELLE
He died a little after you left. He said he was
following you.
THERSITES
Who's the brat?
GABRIELLE
I'm Gabrielle. Who are you?
THERSITES
Go away. We'll meet at the road, near the wood's
edge. And make sure you bring Petracles' clue.
Who, rather, what was that?
XENA
That's Thersites. He's an assassin. Lycus was
an old friend of mine.
GABRIELLE
What's going on, Xena?
XENA
Have you ever heard of the lost treasure of the
Sumerians?
GABRIELLE
Have I? Huh! The entire wealth of the Sumerians
hidden away? More wealth than mortal man can
imagine. Yeah, you might say I've heard of it.
XENA
There are four clues to finding the treasure. Four
men each had one clue. Now, Thersites
has two of them and I have Lycus'.
GABRIELLE
Now wait, I know you're not just after the treasure.
Come on, there's gotta be more to this.
XENA
Legend has it that with the Sumerian treasure
you can find the Titan key. Only Lycus and I knew
that. And with the Titan key you'll find Ambrosia.
GABRIELLE
Ambrosia? The food of the gods?
XENA
Yes. And any mortal who eats it becomes a god.
That's why we have to find it first.
GABRIELLE
I'll get the horse.
Goodbye, my friend.
ACT ONE
The Hall of Ambrosia is built into a cavern at the
foot of Mount Poulis.
GABRIELLE
Poulis? That volcano's about to erupt.
XENA
I think Lycus knew that if it did, there's a chance
that the cavern could open up and the ambrosia
would be exposed.
GABRIELLE
Can you imagine someone like Thersites as
a god?
XENA
He and Petracles know nothing about the Ambrosia.
As far as they're concerned, this is just a
hunt for treasure.
GABRIELLE
So, what's this Petracles like?
XENA
He's a warlord. He's an ambitious, ruthless,
dominating, conniving liar. He'll say anything
he can to get a woman to fall for him and then,
once he has her, he uses her.
GABRIELLE
So, you've met.
XENA
We were to be married. That's his camp up ahead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This has me in a quandary.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A puzzlement. I don't wanna burn your village
and enslave your families, I really don't. Not
that I don't like those things.
HEAD VILLAGER
But, you already have our cattle and our horses
and weapons.
PETRACLES
Your weapons.
Seriously! You don't think those out-dated tin-plate
swords are any use to me? No, I have to justify
my actions here otherwise, I'll lose face with my
men. You can understand that, can't you?
If you use a cold compress, it won't swell.
PETRACLES
Xena, it's been awhile, hasn't it? So, I don't
suppose this is a social call?
XENA
This is pure business. Gabrielle?
Hi.
PETRACLES
Sumerian treasure. Who had this?
XENA
Lycus. He's dead.
PETRACLES
That's too bad. He was a good man.
HEAD VILLAGER
Excuse me, Lord Petracles. Are you done with us?
PETRACLES
Hmm? Yes, yes, go.
HEAD VILLAGER
A--a--a--about the cattle...
XENA
Give them their cattle.
PETRACLES
Take your cattle.
XENA
You've got one of the clues and I've got three.
Interested?
HEAD VILLAGER
W--w--w--we can't herd the cattle without horses.
XENA
Give them the horses.
PETRACLES
Take your horses. Now go.
Talk to me about treasure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you keep looking at me?
GABRIELLE
Xena told me never to turn my back on you.
PETRACLES
She really hates me, doesn't she?
GABRIELLE
Hate's a pretty strong word, but it might be the
right one.
PETRACLES
But not you.
GABRIELLE
I don't know you. Only what I've been told.
PETRACLES
And that is?
GABRIELLE
That you're a bloodthirsty warlord who doesn't
care about anything or anyone but yourself. You'd
sooner sell out your soul for a profit than keep
an honest promise. That kind of stuff.
PETRACLES
Well, thanks for being up front. But as far as the
bloodthirsty warlord bit, mmm, not quite.
GABRIELLE
What about the villagers you were threatening?
PETRACLES
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not a nice guy. But
I wasn't gonna kill anyone. I--I was just bluffing.
So, what kind of clue did Xena get from Lycus?
GABRIELLE
Oh, no, no, no, no. Xena said you'd try this. You
can't sweet-talk information out of me. Wrong target.
PETRACLES
Oh, I don't know, some people consider me the
king of sweet-talk.
GABRIELLE
Well, hand over the crown, 'cause you just met
your match. When I was five, I talked my parents
into giving me my own pony.
PETRACLES
When I was fifteen, I talked a warlord into
giving me his army.
GABRIELLE
I once talked a Cyclops out of his dinner.
And I was the dinner.
PETRACLES
I talked Xena into marrying me.
XENA
Gabrielle, why don't you walk up here with me?
GABRIELLE
You can keep your crown.
You shouldn't talk to that man. He's only going
to use you to get information. If he even suspected
we were after the Ambrosia-
GABRIELLE
Look, he's not gonna find out. It's...it was just a
friendly conversation. He's...he's funny.
XENA
I am asking you not to talk to him.
GABRIELLE
And I am asking you to trust me. Look, I'm an
adult, remember?
XENA
Right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's he doing here? I thought you said you
were going to bring his clue. Petracles,
how are you?
PETRACLES
Quite well, actually.
THERSITES
Too bad.
XENA
Come on, let's get going.
THERSITES
Hold on. There's something I think we need to
agree upon. Since I have two of the clues, I feel
that I should have half the treasure.
PETRACLES
If anything, I deserve half. A warrior is gonna be
a lot more useful on this quest than a murderer.
THERSITES
Assassin! I'm an assassin!
XENA
You mean, there's a difference?
THERSITES
Yes. Assassination is for pay. Murder is for,
mmm, kicks.
GABRIELLE
Not that it means anything, but there are four
of us.
THERSITES
There doesn't have to be.
Be nice.
PETRACLES
Ah, friends, we have some company.
Who's this?
THERSITES
Oh, it's my ex-employer. I was doing a job for
him when I got side-tracked by Lycus.
He's going to want somebody's head.
MARLEUS
I thought we had a deal. I asked you for the
head of Covetous.
THERSITES
Yes, well, Covetous still has his head and he's
gonna keep it for a few more days. Don't
worry you'll get it soon, as agreed.
MARLEUS
As agreed means on time. His death means
nothing to me if I have to wait. If I can't have
the head that I want, I'll take four that I don't!
ACT TWO
"Four heads," Marleus.
Don't be an amateur. I'm the one who kills. I'm
the one with the tricks up his sleeve.
He killed Marleus! Run!
EXTRA
Run!
EXTRA
Hurry!
He's already paid me five thousand dinar. So I'll
just take another five for a job well done.
PETRACLES
Spoken like a greedy Sumerian.
THERSITES
Yes, I am Sumerian. The rest is Sumerian tax.
(to Xena) And the next time you feel the desire
to yank me by the short hairs...
'Nuff said.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peis territory. Keep you eyes open and
weapons drawn. Peisons don't take prisoners.
THERSITES
Oh, what a nice place to visit if you wanna die here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you hear?
XENA
Yes, stay close.
Run! Run!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Petracles, secure the other side. Go.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All clear!
XENA
Okay, one-
One at a-
One at a time!
GABRIELLE
Hey!
XENA
Gabrielle.
PETRACLES
Hurry! Hurry up! Move!
Thersites, wait! Wait!
THERSITES
Move, girlie! Move it or die! Go, go! Come on!
GABRIELLE
Be still!
Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
Xena! Xena! Ah! I can't hold on! I can't hold on!
Xena.
Get off me!
THERSITES
Stay out of my way!
GABRIELLE
Ow! Xena!
THERSITES
Petracles! Help me!
Xena. Xena.
XENA
Come on, Gabrielle!
Come on, Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
I got you.
PETRACLES
Okay, Xena!
You, stinking, smelly scumbag!
What?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You all right?
GABRIELLE
Yeah, I'll be all right. That man scares me.
XENA
Believe it or not, I'm more worried about Petracles.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, well, I don't understand it.
XENA
Well, at least Thersites is up front. There's nothing
hidden about him. Petracles is different. He's
good at reading people and using that to
manipulate them. And once he has your trust,
he's got you.
Unless you're here bringing me food or maybe
a nice back-rub...huh. No? Go away.
XENA
I won't forget what happened back there at the
bridge.
THERSITES
What?
XENA
You almost got Gabrielle killed by what you did.
THERSITES
Is that what you're upset about? Ah, yeah, what's
the big deal? She's worthless, she hasn't got any
clues. I say the more for the rest of us.
If she dies, you die. See, I don't care that
much for treasure.
No, I...I don't think you do.
XENA
What's that supposed to mean?
THERSITES
Well, you--you haven't got that fire in your
eyes. You know, that--that gold-lust. Petracles
has got it and I was born with it. But you,
hmm, I'm just a little curious as to why you're
searching for the treasure.
XENA
Well, you'll just have to stay curious, won't you?
THERSITES
I know one thing, it's not greed. 'Cause I know greed.
Ah, I--I--I found some sticks near the--the campsite.
PETRACLES
So you thought you'd bring them out here.
GABRIELLE
That's, yep, that's strange, isn't it? I actually, I--I
wanted to talk to you.
PETRACLES
Sure.
GABRIELLE
I want to know what happened between you
and Xena.
PETRACLES
What has she told you?
GABRIELLE
Nothing. She warns me about you.
PETRACLES
Oh, she's right to warn you. She probably said I
was lying, manipulative, double-crossing, does
that hit it all?
GABRIELLE
Well, you've got a ways to go, but that's--that's close.
PETRACLES
When Xena and I met, we were very young. Neither
of us knew what love was. We confused
possession with passion. We had to own each
other. I was a little better at it than she was. I
asked her to marry me, because I thought
that was the best way to conquer her.
GABRIELLE
I bet you had a surprise coming.
PETRACLES
No, Gabrielle, it worked. She was mine. And when
I realized I had her, I didn't want her anymore.
GABRIELLE
That's incredibly cruel.
PETRACLES
Yes, but I judged everything in terms of the
battlefield. And the funny thing was, when any
battle was won, I lost interest in the spoils.
GABRIELLE
It must have been an empty experience.
PETRACLES
You're very smart Gabrielle, very perceptive,
very beautiful.
Oh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shh. I've got two fingers pressed against your
throat. You know what I can do.
Don't mess with my friend.
PETRACLES
What makes you think I am?
XENA
I've seen your line of seduction before, remember?
You're giving her all the same looks you used
on me. It's very familiar territory.
PETRACLES
If you didn't have your fingers pressed against
my life at the moment, I'd say you were jealous.
Are you?
XENA
You hurt my friend and I will rip your throat out.
PETRACLES
Did it ever occur to you that I might not be the
same person?
XENA
Don't even think of telling me that. You haven't
changed. I remember everything about you and
there is nothing new.
Do you remember our wedding bracelets?
XENA
Yes, I threw it in the fire like I do all my garbage.
PETRACLES
Funny, I traded mine to an arms dealer for weapons.
Look I'm not out to hurt your friend. I only want
my share of the treasure. After that, we never
have to see each other again.
XENA
I look forward to it, but just you remember my warning.
The temple of Demeter is there like you said.
THERSITES
Of course it is! That was Klonig's clue. "Retrieve
the jewel of Demeter." So, who goes in and
who stays?
XENA
Gabrielle has to go in; she's the one who
has to talk to them.
PETRACLES
I'll go with her.
XENA
Thersites will go with her.
PETRACLES
So, you'd rather let your best friend go with
the assassin.
THERSITES
He's got a point. I'd just as soon kill them and
take it. But you wanna do it your way.
XENA
Petracles and I are better with spears, so we
should be the ones to create the distraction.
Let's go.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great temple of Demeter. The place for meditation
and consideration for all the Earth that we can
be thankful for.
CALICUS
You are strangers here. What's your purpose?
GABRIELLE
Purpose? Why, to pay homage to the Mother
of the Earth, the goddess of the farm, Demeter.
You see we are from your sister temple, in Nonamia.
CALICUS
I know of no temple in Nonamia. I've never even
heard of the land.
GABRIELLE
It's across the waters, big waters, huge waters!
You see, we have come to honour the goddess and-
-to offer a gift.
CALICUS
Ah, true believers. Please, come inside.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And please feel free to drink the ceremonial wine.
THERSITES
I could use a shot.
Ah, mm-mmm. It's very hot. Hot.
GABRIELLE
There it is.
Where are they? If they don't get here soon, I'm
gonna start killing people.
GABRIELLE
They're gonna be here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We're under attack!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stop them!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Look out!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the northwest!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on!
CALICUS
Come on, let's go!
That's it, let's move.
Yes.
Look out!
Incoming!
Blasphemers!
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
You have committed the most horrible
sacrilege. For this, you will die.
Your limbs will be torn from your bodies, your
eyes from your skulls.
But first, we will inflict on you the severest torture-
-before ending your pathetic lives. Your
doom is assured!
However, I--I could be mistaken.
Go!
Those sheep won't come after us. Give me the ruby.
PETRACLES
You've gotta be kidding.
THERSITES
I'm the one who risked my butt to get it, I
carry it!
PETRACLES
You're the one that almost ruined the entire
operation. You're lucky we let you carry your
ugly head.
I carry it!
Mount Poulis is about to blow! Let's get the
treasure and get out of here before it goes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the place.
So, what are we supposed to do with them?
XENA
Hopefully the clues will tell us. (to Thersites)
Hey, you first.
THERSITES
Me? Uh-uh! You could kill me once I give the clue.
PETRACLES
Ah, well, I'm not going first.
XENA
Somebody has to go first. I promise I won't
let anybody kill anyone. (to Thersites) Come
on, what's your clue?
THERSITES
Okay! "The teacher's student."
XENA
"The teacher's student"? That's it?
THERSITES
Yeah, I figured it'd make sense once he said
his clue.
PETRACLES
"Is not incorrect."
THERSITES
"The teacher's student is not incorrect." Well,
that's nothing! You must have remembered
yours wrong.
PETRACLES
Ah, you're an idiot!
THERSITES
You're an idiot!
XENA
Enough! "The teacher's student is not incorrect."
"The teacher's student"?
GABRIELLE
Pupil.
XENA
"Is not incorrect." It's a double negative. Not
incorrect, right.
GABRIELLE
Pupil's right?
XENA
Right pupil, of an eye.
GABRIELLE
Yes.
PETRACLES
Which one?
XENA
The map showed a sun casting its rays toward
the treasure marker. It said neither east nor west.
It's gotta be the middle one.
Now, what?
XENA
We wait 'til sunrise.
PETRACLES
I say we tie him up if we plan to be alive in the
morning.
THERSITES
Why wait 'til morning? Do it now.
GABRIELLE
Well, this is going to be a pleasant evening.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sun's coming up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, it's a rock. The treasure is a rock! Rock!
The treasure is a rock!
XENA
Let's move it.
Come on!
You first, assassin.
THERSITES
Oh, no, after you. Please.
Oh, nothing! Absolutely nothing! This was a nice
waste of time.
GABRIELLE
Maybe there's a clue that we missed.
THERSITES
Oh, shut up!
Look!
Whatever you do, don't pull the ring.
PETRACLES
Don't what?
XENA
Pull the ring.
PETRACLES
Okay!
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nice move, pretty boy.
PETRACLES
Shut up!
GABRIELLE
Hold on.
Do that again. Do that again!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich.
Look. Look at this.
Sumerian. Titan's key.
Ambrosia.
Xena!
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
He's on the way to the ambrosia.
PETRACLES
That's a safe bet. Why didn't you tell me about it?
XENA
Why do you think?
PETRACLES
Oh, it's that trust problem of yours again,
isn't it?
XENA
It's not that I don't trust you it's what I trust you to
do. Here it is.
PETRACLES
What's that? Is that a door?
XENA
The map mentioned a back way into the
ambrosia cave.
PETRACLES
That rat bastard better not hurt Gabrielle.
XENA
Oh, am I supposed to believe you really care?
PETRACLES
Before I do anything, I want to know that Gabrielle
is safe.
XENA
Are you sure it's not just the ambrosia you're
interested in?
PETRACLES
Oh, I don't wanna be a god.
XENA
I don't believe you for a moment.
Wait. If you knew the tunnel was there, why didn't
you just use it? Why look for the key to the front door?
XENA
Because the back door might get us killed.
PETRACLES
"Killed"?
This is the Hall of Silence. It was also mentioned
on the map. Secure anything on you which might
make a sound, and once we're in there, if you
hear a noise, run.
The great god, Thersites. It's got a nice ring
to it, don't you think?
GABRIELLE
Ah, definitely! If you let me go, I'll build a temple
to you with my share of the treasure.
Your share. No, you're my insurance in case
Xena catches up to me. She lets me go, or she
watches you die. You know what my first
godlike act's going to be?
GABRIELLE
Cure world hunger?
THERSITES
"Cure world hunger"?
No! My first godlike act is to bring a plague down
on the Earth. They never give me the respect
that I so rightfully deserve. Well, they'll respect
me now, huh? Godhood! What a great job!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thersites, God of Assassins! I like it! Wail
'til they get a load of me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did the map mention how those guys died?
XENA
(whispers) They made too much noise.
Run!
Get away from my ambrosia!
XENA
(to Petracles) You go left, I'll go right.
(to Xena) You want your friend, hmm? Or you
want her little head? (to Petracles) You!
You want to be a nice guy? Or you wanna be a
god?! Huh?
XENA
What about it, Petracles. Whose side are you on?
PETRACLES
You and me, Thersites, gods.
XENA
That figures.
Run, Gabrielle!
No.
No!
It's okay. Don't, don't...
Xena, I'm sorry I hurt you.
XENA
It doesn't matter anymore.
PETRACLES
It matters to me. I was a fool not to appreciate
what I had.
My wedding bracelet. (to Petracles) I'm sorry I
ever doubted you.
I can see how this would destroy the ambrosia.
XENA
It won't be destroyed, just returned to the gods.
We don't need it here anymore.
I was wrong about Petracles. He was a good man.
GABRIELLE
He was.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Jeremy Roberts as Thersites
Peter Daube as Petracles
Richard Foulkes Jr. as Lycus
Huntly Eliott as Calicus
Merv Smith as Head Villager
John Smith as Marleus
Lawrence Wharerau as Klonig
Written by: Steven L. Sears and R.J. Stewart
Directed by: Josh Becker
Disclaimer: No Ambrosia was Spilled, Spoiled or in any way harmed during the production of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.)
