The Key to the Kingdom
Careful. This porker's priceless.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Pearls before swine. Where
are you, my little beauty?
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h.
Well, well, well. Let's see. You touch the chimes,
the trap snaps shut. Oh-h-h-h! Ya lose a
hand. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Incredible. Genius. Foolproof.
Two minutes, tops.
Ever so gently.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, not the worst drop I've ever made, but by far,
the most profitable. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Hi, yup!
Ooh, that gets harder every year. Mmm.
Now, let's take a look at you.
Xena. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey, small world, huh? Uh,
ooh, ya, have business here? Everything seems
to be closed. Uh, yeah. Say, how'd ya like to go grab
a bite to eat? I know this great little place. You'd...
Oh, come on, Xena. It's just a lousy, little
ruby. It's not even worth talkin' about! They won't
even know that it's gone.
EXTRA
Look! The ruby! It's gone!
AUTOLYCUS
Aw-w-w. All right!
The ruby! It's back!
AUTOLYCUS
I gave it back! You happy now?!
MEG
What are ya, stupid or somethin'?! That thing
was worth a fortune!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. Ya little minx, ya. Sorry,
he's usually a brilliant thief.
AUTOLYCUS
Meg, who's Meg?
MEG
Meg's me and who's brilliant, 'cause it ain't you,
Mr. Stinky!
JOXER
Hey! She fooled ya, didn't she?! Ya
thought she was Xena, but she's not. She's Meg.
Hey, got a proposition for ya.
AUTOLYCUS
Now, now, now, wait a minute. You're saying
that's not Xena?
JOXER
No.
So, let me get this right.
JOXER
Yeah, yeah.
AUTOLYCUS
I threw that precious gem over the wall for no good
reason, huh?
Hey! Can you imagine that?!
I'll kill ya, ya moron!
Wait 'til I get my hands on you!
Brawl! Yeah!
ACT ONE
Let's have a little fight!
MEG (voice-over)
Come on! Come on! Make yourselves at home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ya want some grog? Plenty of grog. Three grogs!
So? What's this all about?
JOXER
Well-
MEG
I don't know if I want to tell you. After all, ya haven't
made much of an impression on me...yet.
My turn!
JOXER
Wait a minute, Auto. Now, I got a proposition for
ya. You ever heard of the Crown of Athena?
AUTOLYCUS
Crown of Athena? You kidding? Who hasn't? I've
been after it for years.
EXTRA
Here you go.
Problem is, Athena locked the crown away twenty
years ago, after King Cleades disappeared. You
need some kind of a key, but it's a closely-guarded secret.
MEG
You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard
will scream out when he's about-
JOXER
To meet his maker.
AUTOLYCUS
(to Meg) Yeah? Well, you seem to have a talent.
(to Joxer) What's your interest in this?
JOXER
I worked it out. It's all even-steven. I get half, she
gets half, and you get half.
Yeah?
Ow!
AUTOLYCUS
Just what I thought. It's hollow.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Thrasos
ruled by two extremely greedy warlords?
Ormestin and this Kryptos character? How you
gonna get around them, huh?
MEG
Hello.
JOXER
That's why Meg's dressed like Xena. Look, Joxer
the Mighty brings Xena, Warrior Princess and
Autolycus, the King of Thieves-
MEG
AKA, 'Mr. Stinky.'
That's so...Mr. Stinky.
In chains.
AUTOLYCUS
In chains?
JOXER
Yeah. Oh, look, look, look, look, let me explain it
to ya. Now, they're grateful. They make me Lord
of the Realm and Ruler of the Treasury. "More
wine, my lord?" "No, no." Ha-ha-ha!
You see? I sneak into the treasury, take the key
from one of the guards. I say something like,
"What's that over there?"
Ya know? Then I free you two, we walk off
rich into the sunset. Well, whaddya think?
AUTOLYCUS
I think it's inbreeding.
Now listen, you two, I'm the expert here. There's
nothing I haven't been able to break into
or out of.
MEG
Oh, come on. There's nothing so appealing to
a woman as a man who can admit his flaws.
AUTOLYCUS
Well, uh, just between you and me, I do have this
little problem with these Scythian double-latch locks.
(laughing) For some reason, they're not my forte.
JOXER
(sarcastically) Heh-heh-heh-heh.
AUTOLYCUS
Still, it's my plan or no plan. You got it?
MEG
So, what's your plan?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on! Hurry it up!
PEASANT
Please, that's really all that we have.
TAX COLLECTOR
You know that lying to the tax collector's a crime,
don't you?! Or would you prefer to talk to the soldiers?
AUTOLYCUS
Maybe you'd rather talk to us first.
Ha-ha!
TAX COLLECTOR
Who are you?
AUTOLYCUS
We're villains!
JOXER
Bad! We'll kill you! We'll cut--cut you and
then w-
AUTOLYCUS
(to Joxer) They get the idea. (to others) Give us
all your money, tax collector.
This is a good day to die.
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, no. It is the warrior X--Xena.
JOXER
What! Oh! What shall we do?!
AUTOLYCUS
We must attempt to fight her!
JOXER
I will ram her through with my sword!
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Ah-h-h-h! Ah-h! Ah-h! Uh!
She took my hand! Ah-h-h! Ah-h-h!
Ah-h-h-h!
Oh-h-h-h-h! Oo-o-o-h! Oh! Spare us, Xena!
MEG
Now, go away from this place and don't come
back, or you will suffer the wrath of Xena!
Rah-h-h-h-h!
Be not afraid. I'll not harm you. Take me to your
leader. We've got some things to discuss.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
With a body like that, and brains like mine, there
are definitely some possibilities, here.
JOXER
Hey! That's my girl you're talkin' about.
AUTOLYCUS
That's anybody's girl I'm talkin' about. Come
on. She doesn't have an ounce of loyalty for any
one man. Trust me, I know the type. I love
the type.
JOXER
Hey, Meg's different. She's also missing something.
AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, me pressed right up against her.
JOXER
Look, Auto! Get this through that thick, thieving
skull of yours. Meg has had a hard life, and she
needs our help. Now I'm asking you as
a friend, lay off of her.
AUTOLYCUS
You really like her, don't you? Don't you worry, little
buddy. You're dealing with a man of honour.
However, honour requires a higher percentage
of profits.
JOXER
Good. Good, I'm glad you're finally seeing things
my way.
AUTOLYCUS
Fine. Make yourself useful and go get some horses.
JOXER
(whispering) 'Kay.
AUTOLYCUS
On to the next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're forming another army?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exactly. Only my enemies know that I've come
here to form an alliance with ya, so they've
sent an assassin to kill ya both.
KRYPTOS
Impossible. Our secret police would've told us
by now.
MEG
Oh, the secret police?
ORMESTIN
Yes?
MEG
Well, everybody knows about them. But
don't worry. I can stop the assassin. Just
show me your security arrangement.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And of course, there's a platoon of soldiers
on every floor. That door there is a door
to a storage chamber.
What about this one?
KRYPTOS
That's off-limits to all except the inner circle of Thrasos.
Well, that's good. That's really good.
ORMESTIN
Let's continue.
Secret police. Keep your eyes peeled for an
assassin. There's reward in it for ya.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does this window face west?
KRYPTOS
Yes. Why?
MEG
Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to
tell you.
It looks pretty secure. What else ya got for me?
Good girl, Meg. Just give me three minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's the assassin!
After him!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
What? What is this? Where's the key?
Meg, there's no key. There's just some kid, some
baby kid.
MEG
The baby kid is the key, Mr. Stinky. Guards!
AUTOLYCUS
What the-
ACT TWO
What are you doing?
Autolycus, will you never learn? Why don't
you tell 'em that it was all my idea, huh? Tell 'em
that it was all my plan so that I could come
in here and steal the key. No. Oh, no, better yet,
why don't you tell 'em that I'm not the real Xena.
That's his usual line.
KRYPTOS
Take him away. Lock him in the dungeon.
In stocks! With double-latch Scythin locks.
It's not his forte.
It seems we owe you a debt of thanks, Xena.
MEG
I come here looking for allies, and what do I find?
Lax security and thieves stealing babies.
It's a wonder you aren't both dead already.
ORMESTIN
I assure you, the-
MEG
Shh. No. No. The alliance is off. Just be
grateful that I don't come down here with my whole
army to muss up your fancy hair!
ORMESTIN
Uh, what about the assassin?
MEG
Oh, you're on your own, girls.
Hmm?
There is no doubt-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not now.
Everything all right, ma'am?
GRYPHIA
Yes. The key needs his sleep. You can leave us.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, Scythian double-latch locks. Ho-ho-ho. I can't
believe I fell for that. It's all right. It's just a little
more work, but it'll all be worth it once I get
my hands on that. No-
Why did you steal the key?
AUTOLYCUS
Steal him? She stole him?
GRYPHIA
Tell me about her. About Xena.
AUTOLYCUS
Well, with all due respect, ma'am? Who are you?
GRYPHIA
I'm Gryphia, the guardian of the key.
AUTOLYCUS
Ah. Um. Well, Xena is this warrior. She goes
around righting wrongs and saving people. It's
all pretty sappy, but she seems to get her
kicks out of it. The problem is, that was not Xena.
It was an exact look-alike, some lady named Meg.
Soon to be the late Meg if I get my hands on her.
GRYPHIA
Then she doesn't know the secret of the key?
AUTOLYCUS
What secret?
GRYPHIA
She must be told.
Told?! Told what?! What was that all about?
You're trying to steal the crown of Athena.
Oh! Sure to fail!
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, and I was doing so well.
MOGUS
The crown of Athena belonged to King Cleades.
"The key will point to the door.
To the crown of Athena and more."
AUTOLYCUS
Go on.
MOGUS
"Once the key opens the door
The child, w--will be no more."
AUTOLYCUS
That's very poetic, but it doesn't sound good for
the kid. Then again, once I find the door, when
have I ever needed a key?
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, bear in mind, no matter what
you are about to see, this is a very-carefully planned
technique I've used more than once to escape
from the dreaded Scythian double-latch locks.
Ah-h! And that is why I am the King of Thieves.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be out for a few minutes.
There you are! I was beginning to give up hope.
Where's Autolycus?
MEG
Uh, we, uh, uh-
-he had an accident.
JOXER
Oh. Wait a minute. You mean, you and he...oh-ho,
wait, you weren't gone that long.
It's not his. It's mine. At least, it is now.
Wait a minute. You mean, you kidnapped
that baby? You mean, all this business about finding
a key was just so you could steal someone's kid?
Hey, you used me. And you used Autolycus!
And you used him! Tell me that's not
what happened!
MEG
Nah, that pretty much sums it up. But nobody got
hurt 'n' Joxer it's all I've ever really wanted. I wasn't
lyin' to ya. I just tricked ya.
JOXER
Well.
He is kind of cute, isn't he? A-goo-goo-goo.
Goo-goo-goo. A-goo-goo-goo. A-goo-goo-g-
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!
MEG
Well, he's hungry. And I think he needs some
fresh trousers. Why don't you go to the market
and get him some blankets and somethin' to eat?
JOXER
Why me?
MEG
'Cause fatherhood becomes you.
JOXER
Fatherhood. Okay. I'll get him some strong cheese.
MEG
And some pickles.
JOXER
Right.
Aww, little man. Oh-h, it's been a mighty big
day, huh?! Sorry things have been pretty crazy,
huh? But, ya know? We'll go somewhere and
we'll settle down, just you and me...Joxer, 'cause
he's funny. You're the best baby. You're the first
baby. Oh, you're the only baby I ever had!
Autolycus is gone!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He and Xena came here to steal the key and
now they have him.
ORMESTIN
She knows how to get Athena's crown.
KRYPTOS
How? We've been trying to figure it out for twenty
years. "The key can point to the door." That kid
hasn't shown us anything.
ORMESTIN
Xena has figured it out! What are we gonna
do about it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka! Ticka-ticka-ticka!
Oh! You rude, little man!
You cheeky monkey! Ticka-ticka-ticka!
Mr. Stinky, I presume.
AUTOLYCUS
That's right, Meg. It's me, 'Mr. Stinky!'
MEG
So, you got out, huh? Well, I knew you would.
I wouldn't have done that if I didn't think the old
King of Thieves couldn't handle it.
AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Give me that baby! I don't
do kidnapping. I'm gonna take that thing in and
I'm gonna collect a big, fat reward!
MEG
Over my dead body!
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, that can be arranged.
Ow! Oh!
Okay. Okay. You'll be safe there.
You are so lucky that-
EXTRA
Ba. Ba.
AUTOLYCUS
-I'm a gentleman. Now, give me that baby.
I got a shamrock, and I know how to use it.
AUTOLYCUS
First of all, it's a chakram. And that thing is made
outta wood. Now, give it to me!
Yeah! Okay!
Punkin?! Punkin?!
Punkin?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baby's gonna be warm, fat and happy!
A-goo-goo-goo-goo! A-goo-goo-goo-g-oh!
Punkin?!
JOXER
Don't you want your squash? Ooh!
Oh-h!
Meg! Come here, you!
EXTRA
Make way for the royal wagon!
EXTRA
Out of the way, now!
I'm blind! Oh, pardon. Whoa!
Hey!
EXTRA
Hey!
Oh, lady-
Spread out! They could be anywhere!
Punkin!
EXTRA
It's Xena! Let's go!
EXTRA
Over here!
MEG
Punkin!
AUTOLYCUS
Come here, Meg!
EXTRA
Where is the key!
AUTOLYCUS
Oh! Uh!
Let's go!
Punkin!
The baby!
Sweetie!
Giddy.
Pumpkin?
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Follow that chario-o-ot!
AUTOLYCUS
The horses!
Come on, Meg!
MEG
Ah-h--h!
Hah!
MEG
Ah-h-h--h-h-h!
Okay, ol' Lightnin', we're gonna save that
baby! Okay. A-ho!
Ah! Ah! Uh!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey! Hey! Hey! Ow! Ow! What're you doin'?!
MEG
Holdin' on!
AUTOLYCUS
Well, grab somethin' else!
Ow! Ho-ho!
MEG
Yee-hah!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whoa. Whoa.
A-ha!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh. Oh. Okay, baby. Daddy's comin'.
Oh, oh! Ready? Set? Ha-hah-h-h-h-h-h!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh!
Whew! That was close.
Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow-ow!
AUTOLYCUS
H-yah! Giddup!
MEG
We're catchin' him! Ah!
JOXER
Whoa! Whoa! Ow! Ow!
AUTOLYCUS
H-yah! Come on!
Joxer! What're you doin'?!
JOXER
Plan's workin' great! I'm slowin' him down!
AUTOLYCUS
H-yah!
JOXER
Ooh! Ow!
MEG
Go, Auto!
AUTOLYCUS
Okay, Meg!
JOXER
Ooh! Ow!
MEG
Ahhh!
Whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Ooh!
Momma's here, Punkin!
EXTRA
Uh-oh.
MEG
Who-o-o-oa. Who-o-o-o-o-oa!
Oh, no! Oh!
Ooh! Meg?! Meg!
AUTOLYCUS
Oh-h-h! Oh, you and your propositions! Look what
your proposition did!
JOXER
Yeah, well you didn't have to help!
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, sure! You dangle a beautiful woman and a
fancy crown in my face, what do you expect?! It
was a stacked deck!
JOXER
Yeah?!
AUTOLYCUS
Yeah! Meg!
JOXER
Meg!
Well?! We won't be trying that again, huh?!
They're okay! (to Autolycus) Ya worry-wart, ya!
Oh-h-h-h-h!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, this is gonna slant my reputation. Why,
Meg? Why this baby? Why now?
MEG
(whispering) Would you keep your voice down?
JOXER
Sh-h!
MEG
When I heard about the baby...ooh! There was
no one to love him. There was no one to hold him,
no one to tell him stories. Well, I just reckon that's
a lousy way to grow up.
JOXER
Yeah, in that cold, damp, drippy castle.
AUTOLYCUS
Okay, fine, you rescued a baby. That was the easy
part. Now ya gotta raise it. How ya gonna do that, huh?
Unless we go after the crown of Athena. If we
do, that kid will never go hungry.
MEG
Nobody's harmin' my baby.
AUTOLYCUS
Not one hair on his chinny-chin-chin. I promise ya.
Okay.
You know, uh, I never really, uh, held a...baby,
before, uh. May I?
JOXER and MEG
Okay.
MEG
Ya gotta hold the back of his head.
Autolycus holds the baby.
AUTOLYCUS
Huh. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, little fella. Ha-ha-ha. Ahem.
Okay, good.
(whispering) Who's a good boy?
What are you lookin' at?
JOXER
Y'old softy, you. See? It's a good thing Meg took
that baby. Now it's gonna be loved, cared for,
raised properly.
AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, it's a good thing, huh, Dad?
JOXER
Yeah. Dad? Dad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They just don't understand, Punkin. Well, they
can't possible know how it is. See, what I had,
now, it wasn't so good. My father, he died when
I was really young, and my mom, she tried hard,
but...well, it just didn't work out.
Well, I was left alone to do what I wanted, and I
made all my own decisions, and I guess I wasn't
too good at that, neither but...things is gonna be
different for you. You see those? They're stars.
When I was a little girl, I--I used to think that all
those little lights came from houses in the sky,
and each one of those houses had a happy family
around a cozy fire. And the lights came
from all the open windows. And I used to think
that at every window, there was a little girl, just
like me, lookin' out at the other lights. And I
wondered what it would be like to be one of them.
Well, one day we're gonna be one of those little
lights. That's a promise.
You know when I said Meg doesn't have an ounce
of loyalty for any one man?
JOXER
Yeah?
AUTOLYCUS
I was wrong.
Let's...poke it with a stick or somethin'.
No. No. The old man said,
"The key can point to the door-
To the crown of Athena and more.
Once the key opens the door
The baby"...will drool and wet itself on the floor.
JOXER
That's the worst legend I've ever heard.
MEG
Speaking of wetting himself, I think somebody
needs a trouser change! Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
Yeah.
MEG
Boy. Momma's got it in for you. Okay. Huh! Let's
see. Oo-o-h, who's Mr. Stinky, now, huh? No more
pickles for you.
Hey. Hey!
AUTOLYCUS
Ooh! Ooh! Hey, hey, here! Help me put this
thing out!
JOXER
What are ya doin'?!
Autolycus steps on it and Joxer helps.
Come on! Put it out! Put it out! Ooh!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Look! Look! Whaddya see?!
JOXER
Uh-h-h.
No, besides that?!
MEG
What? What is it?
JOXER
It's a map!
AUTOLYCUS
The map to the crown of Athena is on the blanket.
The key will point the way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
JOXER
There's the door.
This cushion must be for the kid. That's you, Punkin.
Ooh! No, no. Don't do that. Let me check the door first.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well?
AUTOLYCUS
I'm workin' on it.
EXTRA
Let's go!
JOXER
Hey, someone's comin'.
MEG
Let's just open this thing, and then we can get
outta here.
Oh, oh! No, no, no, no, no, no! Don't put the baby there.
MEG
Are you stupid?!
AUTOLYCUS
Ah, look, I didn't tell ya everything. The rest of the
legend says, "Once the key opens the door, the
child is no more." I wasn't gonna risk the kid.
I just had to know where the door was.
JOXER
They're gettin' closer! Come on, Autolycus!
Quickly!
AUTOLYCUS
Okay, there's our way out.
I need two men!
Oh! Uh!
EXTRA
Fall back!
Okay. What are you doin' down there?! All right.
Grab on, now. You two get up there. I'm gonna
go hold 'em off.
JOXER
I'll help ya.
AUTOLYCUS
No, you can't help me and save the baby, too.
Get going.
I'm gonna get this thing up there, see?
Okay. Okay.
You stay here.
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!
Hurry up!
MEG
All right. You give me that!
JOXER
Ow.
Come on! Hurry up! Ooh!
MEG
Go and help Auto.
All right. Punkin?
No!
Punkin?
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
Whoa!
Come on!
CLEADES
Kryptos.
KRYPTOS
Kill them all.
Thanks! What's your name?
CLEADES
You can call me Punkin.
Meg! Nice moves!
AUTOLYCUS
That's not Meg, you moron! It's Xena!
Where's Meg?
XENA
She's up there. She's fine.
AUTOLYCUS
How'd you get here?
XENA
Gryphia, the old nurse? When you told her about
me, she came to find me. King Cleades. "The
child is no more."
AUTOLYCUS
This is the king of Thrasos?
JOXER
King? That's my boy! Ha-ha! Ooh, the apple didn't
fall far from the tree! Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was a fool. My people were so good, so hard-working.
But, I took all that for granted, and slowly started
to treat them-
AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, like animals. We saw what happened to
your kingdom. You know, your people are
basically bankrupt.
CLEADES
Yes. Through the eyes of a child I saw.
JOXER
Why did Athena make you a baby?
XENA
The eyes of a child are innocent. They can see
the world in ways that we've long forgotten.
Athena gave him a chance to learn and gain wisdom.
JOXER
Oh.
MEG
Oh.
JOXER
Huh?
XENA
Kryptos and Ormestin are going to clean out the
royal treasury and take off. You can regain the
throne if that's what matters to you.
CLEADES
No. The treasury belongs to my people. Without
it, they starve.
I wouldn't be here today if someone hadn't risked
everything for me. I had to see love, and you showed
it to me. Those two have to be stopped. My people
deserve no less.
MEG
You got it, Punkin.
You're not alone. I'll be fighting alongside you.
JOXER
You can count on me, son.
AUTOLYCUS
Ah, would there be any kind of reward in this?
I mean, it's not a deal-breaker or anything.
Okay, okay, I'm in. I'm in.
MEG
Yeah, like Mr. Stinky said, I thought maybe there
was a reward in it like, I don't know, a crown or a
baby or sum'in' but...okay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barge is ready, sir.
ORMESTIN
Good. Load this up. Once the people realize we're
out of here, there might be problems.
KRYPTOS
What does it matter? Let them riot. We have the
crown. Nothing can stop us now.
Cleades?
ORMESTIN
Xena. Two Xena's.
XENA
That's right. Makes you wanna cry like a baby,
doesn't it?
MEG
Yeah.
Get 'em. Yeah.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fellas!
Ooh! Ow!
EXTRAS
Hmm?
JOXER
Hold on a second.
Ah-h, suckers!
Oh. Ow.
That was an original.
What are you fighting for?! We've kept the kingdom
the way you left it! You can share in the wealth!
CLEADES
It belongs to my people!
Hah!
Your people! When did they ever matter to you?!
Ever since he was a baby!
It's your kingdom, your justice.
I sentence you...to live. Away from here, away
from my kingdom, away from my people. Go.
Guess this is yours, huh?
It's not mine. It was always intended for my
queen, Gryphia.
Athena made Cleades young, so that he could
see anew. And she made Gryphia old to teach
her how to care.
What's the matter with you?
JOXER
They grew up so fast!
Can't...he was this big!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg?
MEG
Oh, Xena. Well, everything worked out all right.
Everybody's happy. But then I really thought I
had somethin' in there.
XENA
You do. You've got a warm, caring heart
with a lotta love to give.
MEG
For the right price. Everyone knows that's Meg.
XENA
Who do you think you're fooling, huh?
You've got so much depth that it scares you when
it comes out.
Well, look who's talkin'. There's a million little
lights in the sky, and a million cozy homes, and
I ain't never gonna be part of one of 'em.
XENA
Meg...
...one day it's going to happen for you and you'll
have a family of your own, not a borrowed
one, a family of your own.
MEG
I can't have children.
You did a wonderful thing here, Meg. You
helped a lot of people because you were able to
love one child. And I can't believe that with
all the little lights in the sky, that there isn't one
waiting for someone like you.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Meg
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Bruce Campbell as Autolycus
Paul Willis as Ormestin
Martin Howells as Kryptos
Craig Parker as Cleades
Yvonne Lawley as Gryphia
Norman Forsey as Mogus
Peter Mason as Drunk
Brett Higginson as Peasant
Jon Stubbs as Tax Collector
Geoff Knight as Key Guard
Written by: Eric Morris
Directed by: Bruce Campbell
Disclaimer: No Priceless Porkers, of either organic or ceramic origin, were harmed during the filming of this motion picture.
