Punch Lines
"It was the kind of night where you could feel
time flow over you like the amnesiatic waters
of the river Styx."
That is terrible. "Amnesiatic"? I don't think that's
a word.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This doesn't work either.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h. Ah no.
Mm-hm-m. Oh, yeah. This is so good. Mm--m-m-m,
no it's not.
Oh! Who am I kidding?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boo!
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite?
APHRODITE
Can't sleep, huh?
GABRIELLE
You scared me.
APHRODITE
(sarcastically) Sorry, I didn't know I had to knock
in my own temple.
GABRIELLE
You don't, but can you just keep it down? I don't
wanna wake Xena.
APHRODITE
Pregnant girl needs her rest, huh? I remember
when Cupid was on his way.
GABRIELLE
Ah, doesn't a god of your obvious stature have
anything better to do than hang out here in the
middle of the night?
APHRODITE
Owie-e-e-e! What's with the attitude?! I let you
sleep in my temple. I show real concern for your
insomnia and you treat me like I'm a rash where
the sun don't shine.
GABRIELLE
I didn't mean to be rude. Uh, I--I don't wanna bother
you with my troubles.
APHRODITE
Tsk. Sweet-pea, I am immortal, you know? I got
nothin' but time.
Ow!
The doctor is in.
See these? These are my scrolls. I wrote them.
I wrote all of them. It's like a...it's like a diary of
my travels with Xena.
When I wrote them I just, I felt so complete. I don't
know why I stopped.
APHRODITE
Hm-m-m-m-m.
GABRIELLE
Ugh!
Something keeps telling me that I have to start
writing again.
APHRODITE
Well why don't you?
GABRIELLE
It's not that easy! I--I--I--I don't have time for it, for
one thing.
APHRODITE
Tell me, um, how you would write about today.
GABRIELLE
You mean, if I could.
APHRODITE
Well?
GABRIELLE
Well, today started like any other day. Xena and
Joxer and I were trying to find a name for Xena's baby.
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I came up with the best one.
How 'bout the name Rochelle?
XENA
And have her called Roach for short? I don't like that.
JOXER
How do you guys know it's gonna be a girl? Maybe
it'll be a boy.
GABRIELLE
All right. How 'bout Aloysius?
XENA
That's not funny.
GABRIELLE
It was a thought. I'm glad we're almost to Pilos.
I know someone who's getting a little hungry.
JOXER
Oh, pregnant woman's hungry. There's news.
Oh!
GABRIELLE
And cranky.
XENA
Cranky? I haven't been cranky for years. Joxer
have you ever seen me cranky?
GABRIELLE
Tell the truth Joxer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now you listen to me monkey-man. You ever do
that again and you'll find my fist down your throat!
JOXER
I always wanted to be an uncle. Hello there little
fella! Oh!
JOXER
You think you can cut me down without dropping
me flat on my face?
XENA
No.
JOXER
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!
JOXER
Rise and shine everyone!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, have ya?
JOXER
No?
XENA
Hm-m.
GABRIELLE
Cop out. All right Xena, it's not your fault with
your condition and all.
XENA
You're patronizing me. Gabrielle I am in full control
of my mood swings.
GABRIELLE
You wanna bet?
XENA
Anything you name.
GABRIELLE
How 'bout a month of cooking and cleaning that
you can't go a whole day without losing your temper.
XENA
You throw in back rubs and you got a deal.
GABRIELLE
It's a deal.
Oh!
XENA
Doesn't count.
Well, that's okay. In the spirit of friendship, I will
take the horses to the river. You can have lunch
in town.
JOXER
I'll help ya.
GABRIELLE
Joxer, no, you have to stay with Xena. Not that I
don't trust you.
All right Gabrielle. You take good care of my baby.
Make sure you rinse her down with cold water and
hitch her to something. She'll probably come
looking for me, not that I don't trust you. I just don't
want anything to happen that might make me mad.
GABRIELLE
It doesn't take a genius to wash a horse.
XENA
Well it'll come in handy for all those backrubs
you're gonna give me.
Come on dummy.
Did you hear that? Xena telling me how to bathe
you. What do I add, water? She must think I'm like
Joxer or something. Xena doesn't do any cleaning.
Have you smelled her feet lately?
Good girl.
What happened to you?
ACT ONE
So you shrunk her horse! Big deal! Everybody
shrinks as they get older. That's why old people
are so short.
GABRIELLE
Now that's very constructive.
What are you writing?
APHRODITE
"Patient is hostile and insecure, possibly masking
some latent tendencies."
GABRIELLE
This is stupid.
APHRODITE
No, I'm sorry.
Look, no more scroll all right?
GABRIELLE
"Latent tendencies?" Where did you learn to talk
like that?
APHRODITE
Honey, don't let the blonde hair fool you. Although
bombastic forms of circumlocution should be
generally avoided one mustn't shy away from
big words in the right context.
GABRIELLE
What?
APHRODITE
Nothing. Please...continue.
GABRIELLE
Where did I leave off?
APHRODITE
Shrunken horse?
GABRIELLE
Right. Hm-m-m-m-m.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to you?
LACHRYMOSE
Divine retribution.
That's what happened.
GABRIELLE
Who are you?
LACHRYMOSE
Lachrymose, God of Despair. Can't you read?
Hm-m? Hm-m? "Property of Lachrymose." You
used my spring to wash your horse. Next you'll
be stabling him in my temple.
GABRIELLE
I...I'm so sorry. Y--you gotta admit, uh-
-that dedication is hard to spot. Okay, it was an
honest mistake. Can't you change her back?
Please? This isn't my horse. It's Xena's. You've
heard of her right?
She's killed thousands of men and with the mood
she's in right now, she will not think this is funny.
LACHRYMOSE
So? I've never laughed in my whole life.
GABRIELLE
You're kidding.
LACHRYMOSE
I wish I was. I've never done that either.
GABRIELLE
I can make you laugh. I bet I could.
LACHRYMOSE
I hate puns or jokes or riddles.
GABRIELLE
I tell stories. True stories. Let's say if I can make
you laugh, you make Argo large again. Deal?
LACHRYMOSE
Well you can try, but I doubt it'll work.
GABRIELLE
All right, just don't underestimate me. Xena does
that. In fact, you're gonna love this. There was
this time where she, uh, she was trying to warn
me against catching this rabbit and-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're such a cute little rabbit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's funny now but at the time, I was just a big
carrot stick!
And that's...it?
GABRIELLE
No, no I'm--I'm just warming up. Yep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kid's got staying power.
XENA
Yeah.
JOXER
Some set of pipes, huh?
XENA
What?
JOXER
I said, "Some set 'a lungs."
XENA
I can't hear you.
JOXER
Some set 'a lungs!
XENA
Oh yeah, swell. (to baby) Kootchie-kootchie-koo.
Oh-h-h-h-h-h, did that mean old Warrior Princess
scare you? Yes, yes.
JOXER
Nice move.
EXTRA
How are you?
XENA
Are you kidding me? I scared it mute. What kind
of a mother am I gonna make?
JOXER
Oh, come on Xena. You're terrific with kids.
XENA
Oh, Gabrielle never told you about King Gregor's
child, huh?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Look, I may not be nanny material but you try
babysitting through a sword fight.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So?
JOXER
Well so you're method's a little unorthodox. It
doesn't mean it's not full of love and concern,
you know?
XENA
You think?
JOXER
Sure.
XENA
Well maybe you're right, huh? After all, how much
do kid's cry anyway?
That little rascal stole all of Cupid's arrows and
went on a shooting spree.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm talking about baby Bliss. You know, Cupid
and Psyche's son? If you get hit with one of those
arrows, you fall in love with the first person you see.
TEENAGE BOY
These are for you.
EXTRA
Let go of my cow!
FARMER
Bessie. Bessie!
HOUSEWIFE
Ooh! Oh!
EXTRA
Huh?
GABRIELLE (voice-over)
I thought it was cute, until I became the bull's-eye.
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Xena?
JOXER
Blecch! Tastes like sweat! Does yours?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I guess ya, had to be there, huh?
GABRIELLE
All right. Let's find out what kind of humour you
do like. Slap-stick?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have faith.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What about action?! Yeah? Everybody loves a
good chase sequence.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like the time we went to India. I don't get that place.
GABRIELLE
No! Stop! Somebody's trying to kill me?!
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Maybe that's India's way of rolling out the red carpet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moving right along. How about a little romantic
comedy? Hey?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Look! Cherries! Mm-m! I love cherries.
DRACO
Me too.
GABRIELLE
Did I mention I'm a widow?
JOXER
There's no reason why we can't be adults about
this and have a little fun.
XENA
Are you suicidal?
JOXER
Oh, don't worry Xena. I got just whatcha need and
plenty of it too.
JOXER
Hmm. Gaea, like Attus?
GABRIELLE
Attus is quite a surprise!
JOXER
Hmm.
GABRIELLE
Here! Put something on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you kidding? Honey, god or no god Lachrymose
is still a man. You should've tried a little sex
appeal. That's the only way to really entertain
the weaker sex.
I tried that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well nothing quite like a woman's touch.
XENA
Didn't your mother ever teach you it's rude to stare?
AUTOLYCUS
Hey, I paid for an hour.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is this?
APHRODITE
You know, slumber-party mode. It's the only way
to really talk about sex.
GABRIELLE
I feel ridiculous.
APHRODITE
Want me to pierce your ear?
GABRIELLE
No!
So let me ask you this, isn't all this story-telling
an awful lot like writing?
GABRIELLE
It's similar...but with writing, it's like talking to
yourself. I--it's a way that you can work things out.
Of course I know now exactly who I am.
APHRODITE
So then who cares? Why write?
GABRIELLE
Haven't you ever had an artistic impulse that's
like a bad itch and you just have to keep working
on it until you get it out?!
APHRODITE
Of course! Who do you think accessorizes all these
outfits?! Someone's gotta put those shoes with
that jacket and so on.
GABRIELLE
I'm glad you understand.
APHRODITE
That's what I'm here for. So what did Xena do
when she found out about the horse?
GABRIELLE
Xena and I are best friends. There aren't any
secrets between us.
APHRODITE
Hm-m-m, you stalled, huh?
GABRIELLE
Exactly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is taking her so long?
JOXER
I don't know.
XENA
Joxer just pay the bill.
JOXER
I can't. Gabrielle took my money. Let's get her.
XENA
Yeah.
Hey watch it woman. Hey, aren't you Xena,
Warri--Warrior Princess, who jailed the bloody
warlord, Taylor--Taygar?
XENA
What of it?
BLUTOS
Taygar's my brother. Prepare to die!
Oh-h-h-h! Yay-y-y-y-y-y!
What's with him?
XENA
Family problems.
JOXER
I blame the parents.
GABRIELLE
How was your meal?
XENA
A little too much salt.
GABRIELLE
Uh-h-h, unfortunately, there's been a slight delay
Xena. You--you're never gonna guess why.
JOXER
Let me. First you got your nails done. Then you
went to your ballet lesson.
GABRIELLE
No but you get the supplies and meet me at the
spring. I'll be there, ready to go.
Guess she must'a just pulled free and wandered away.
GABRIELLE
She's gone? Argo's gone.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
So you shrunk her horse and then you lost him.
So what?
GABRIELLE
So what? Do you know how important Argo is
to Xena?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I think she likes that horse more
than she likes me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't count the number of times that Argo has
saved Xena.
What are you doing?
APHRODITE
I don't like animals. They're dirty and smelly and
just thinking about them makes me want to take
a bath. Do you want your own tub?!
GABRIELLE
No I'm fine, thank you. What is that smell? It smells
like chocolate.
APHRODITE
Essence of white chocolate, to be exact. Haven't you
heard that chocolate's an aphrodisiac? It's one
of my little secrets.
GABRIELLE
Ah. Anyway I looked for that little horse everywhere.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, we got peanuts. We got pickled eggs,
castor oil. All we need now is a sack of flour.
JOXER
Did you get prunes?
XENA
Yeah, what's life without prunes?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Argo. Argo, where are you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bag of wheat. Bag of wheat.
Ooh, lookie there, the last one on the shelf.
So, you thought you got rid of me, huh? Well,
better luck next time.
XENA
Luck has nothing to do with it.
Nice save!
XENA
And it's on special, huh?
EXTRA
Clean up on aisle seven.
JOXER
Hm-m.
EXTRA
Clean up on aisle seven.
JOXER
Not so tough now are you Mr. Tough Guy?
XENA
Nah, he's just an oaf. Here.
Oaf!
XENA
See? What I'm more concerned about is that
any kid of mine is going to encounter some pretty
strange and dangerous things. Giants.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you should find a different line of work.
CYCLOPS
Like what?! I'm a blind Cyclops, for cryin' out loud!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Giants?
EXTRA
Are these fresh?
Giants? Hades that's the least 'a your problems.
Let's see, there's um, dryads.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is it?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harpies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Find any?
EXTRA
Yeah.
JOXER
Bacchae. (chuckles)
Oh sure, that kid 'a yours is gonna encounter a
host of problems. Let's see, uh, pestilence, disease,
foot rot, misery but you know what Xena? That
kid's got something it couldn't get anywhere else.
XENA
What?
JOXER
You.
XENA
Oh-h-h!
Ow. Ow. Ow.
XENA
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Argo. Argo. Ar-
Excuse me. Argo. Argo! Argo?!
Argo! Come here. What are you doing? Hey, you
trying to get me into trouble?
Lachrymose I'm so happy to see you. You have
got to change Argo back. You don't realize how
important she is to Xena.
LACHRYMOSE
Oh, touching.
EXTRA
There's something wrong with this cart. It keeps
turning to the left.
LACHRYMOSE
But we had a deal, remember?
GABRIELLE
Will you give me a break?! Unless you can't do
it. I mean, maybe you're not god enough to do it.
I mean who's gonna ride her, the way she is now?
No one is that small.
LACHRYMOSE
Oh, yeah?
ACT THREE
No! Argo! No! Stop! Argo! Whoa! Hey--hey boy!
Come on, are you trying to kill me?! Calm down!
See?! Argo! Ooh, I'm gonna die! Argo calm down!
Calm down girl! Come on, it's me! It's Gabrielle!
Calm down!
Yes! All right! Girl calm down! Yeah! That's it. I
gotta think.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
See you don't need to tell Gabrielle, 'cause I don't
mean to be cranky. I just can't seem to help it.
JOXER
Hey.
You're pregnant. That's the way pregnant women are.
XENA
That's right.
JOXER
Sure.
XENA
Though I should try to remain calm 'cause that's
what's best for the baby.
JOXER
Oh sure.
Tet-tet-tet-tet! I'l-l-l-l-l-l get it.
I've learned how--how my actions can have
consequences for this child and...I just wanna
do my best.
JOXER
Xena, take it from me. If anybody can love and
protect that kid, it's you. Come here.
Ah-h-h-h.
XENA
All right, that's enough. Let go of me.
Ga-
GABRIELLE
Sh-h-h-h-h!
XENA
Eggs. Eggs!
JOXER
Argo.
What?
JOXER
I'll go. I'll go get the eggs.
EXTRA
Excuse me. First you buy it, then you eat it.
Well that's pretty.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer!
Gabrielle, wh--what happened?!
GABRIELLE
I'll explain later. I need your help.
JOXER
Okay. Wait a minute. This is our golden opportunity.
You are gonna be my new partner. Joxer and little
pal. Look, your new sword.
Oh gods! Joxer!
JOXER
Sorry. Sorry. I got a better idea! You can be a circus
act! Joxer and his amazing sideshow freak.
Ow-w-w! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow.
GABRIELLE
Joxer I need your help to find the god who did this,
to change us back.
JOXER
Okay. What am I gonna tell Xena?
GABRIELLE
I don't know. Make something up. Tell her anything.
JOXER
Okay. Fine. Now what am I gonna say to a god?
Oh-h-h-h-h Lachrymose! God of Despair. Hear
my plea and appear!
GABRIELLE
Just try and stay still Argo, please.
JOXER
Life is so awful!
Really? How awful?
JOXER
Uh, you're-
-you're the--the first god I've ever summoned, you
know, 'cause-
Joxer!
JOXER
Uh, well, it all started when I was a child.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was a happy kid, at first. But then...Mom and
Dad started fighting. He'd get tanked and take
the chariot...no matter who tried to stop him.
One day he lost control of it. Mom took it hard
and then she took a coupl'a arrows from Dad's
creditors and died.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's just not fair!
LACHRYMOSE
No it's not, but tell me more. Tell me more. It
must get worse.
You actually thought Joxer was gonna help?
GABRIELLE
Joxer has pulled through for us several times.
APHRODITE
Really?
GABRIELLE
Mm-hm-m.
APHRODITE
Like when?
GABRIELLE
Joxer, he, uh-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh boy. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! Hah-hah-h-h-h!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, forget that. No but Joxer sometimes he-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attus glad that over.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, no, no, no, no, no--no, no. No Joxer...he--he
can be-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Huh? Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh no. Okay, once there was this time that he-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh Meg, gee, ya got big feet for a girl.
I always thought that g--g...hi fellas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay. Now there was a time that Joxer-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm Joxer by the way.
GABRIELLE
Gabrielle.
JOXER
Hah! Gotcha now!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, you win. But Joxer is a loyal friend and he's
a great traveling companion.
APHRODITE
Don't get me wrong. I love the poor dope.
You know, he convinced Lachrymose to return
me to my normal size.
APHRODITE
Really? Joxer's pathetic life was right up his
alley, huh?
GABRIELLE
Yeah, not even Lachrymose was laughing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, oh dear, oh, that's terrible. Please tell me it
gets worse. Some wounds never heal.
Sh-h-h-h.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(to owner) Watch my stuff, wouldja? I'm gonna go
get my friend from the tavern. I don't feel so good.
ACT FOUR
All right. Anyone seen a guy in a little pointy hat?
Is that supposed to be funny?
XENA
No, I just got lucky. Hm-m. Tough crowd. Well,
no Gabrielle, no Joxer. At least there's someone
who won't desert me.
Argo, come back!
LACHRYMOSE
You again?!
Oh!
LACHRYMOSE
Just wait 'til I catch you.
GABRIELLE
No, no.
Huh, must be Lachrymose-intolerant. You know,
you could find her easier if you made her big again.
LACHRYMOSE
Now you are not as dumb as you look.
JOXER
Well.
Farewell.
Yah-h-h-h-h!
GABRIELLE
Joxer! Let's get outta here!
Lighten up.
Ah, now that is devotion. Here girl!
Look, a stray dog!
EXTRA
They took a dog and put a horse head on it!
EXTRA
Wow, what do you have to do? Add water?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrie-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-elle!
Gabrielle...what is that?
GABRIELLE
I can explain.
JOXER
Look at that! Cold water! She said, "Cold water!"
GABRIELLE
Xena now don't get mad. It's not good for the baby.
Okay I, uh, Xena, all we have to do is make Lachrymose
laugh. Then we can have Argo back to the way she was.
Say your prayers Xena.
Allelujah.
All right.
JOXER
Hm-m-m-m?
XENA
Okay now I'm not mad, I'm just very, very disappointed.
Oh-h-h-h!
O-op.
XENA
And as for you.
No, no, think about it. Think about it! Oh!
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Hey! She hit Bob!
XENA
It was her.
EXTRA
It was the blonde.
EXTRA
Yeah.
GABRIELLE
What?
EXTRA
Get a really sticky pie!
EXTRA
I'll take a pie, please!
Boysenberry?
EXTRA
Yeah!
EXTRA
Hey! Don't touch my pie!
JOXER
Heh-heh! You forgot to duck! Heh-heh!
So did you.
Get 'em!
Joxer, never pie a pregnant woman.
Heads up! Hey Joxer!
JOXER
Ooh, which one of ya threw that pie?
Heads up Lachrymose.
A stupid, boring, unfunny excuse for a pie fight
finally made him laugh?
GABRIELLE
Go figure.
APHRODITE
Huh? You must'a been aiming too high the rest
of the time.
GABRIELLE
I guess so.
APHRODITE
You okay?
GABRIELLE
This isn't working.
APHRODITE
What's not working?
GABRIELLE
I thought telling you the Lachrymose story would,
somehow end my writer's block.
APHRODITE
Oh well. At least you got him in touch with his
inner child.
GABRIELLE
That's it.
APHRODITE
What?
GABRIELLE
That's the answer.
APHRODITE
What are you talking about?
GABRIELLE
Ever since Xena became pregnant, I have been
trying to find a way to make the world a better place
and I've allowed no time for the things that make
me happy...like my writing. I think I've been too
afraid that I've lost that part of me that's a bard.
Anyway, maybe my writing will help Xena's baby
figure out who he or she really is.
APHRODITE
Well it looks like my work here is done.
Wait. No.
APHRODITE
What? You got a lot of catching up to do.
GABRIELLE
Thank you.
APHRODITE
Don't thank me yet. Wait 'til ya get my bill.
And the day ended as it began, alongside my friends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, I gotta tell ya, I am feeling a whole lot
better. I mean, life's pretty sweet for me right now.
I've got no cooking, no cleaning and backrubs
for a month.
GABRIELLE
Technically, you didn't lose your temper but Xena
I saw you throwing pies in a less-than-loving manner.
JOXER
Much less.
XENA
Oh?
JOXER
Oh, l--l--loving.
Yep loving, that's me.
Who threw that pie?
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Jon Gadsby as Lachrymose
Chris Ryan as Blutos
Tony Forster as Solemnus
Bernard Moody as Drunk
Written by: Chris Manheim
Directed by: Andrew Merrifield
Disclaimer: Gabrielle and Argo were Shrunk and Permanently Pressed during the production of this motion picture.
