Coming Home
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
Did you hear something?
Ares' message said to meet him here? In these woods?
XENA
That's right.
GABRIELLE
Do you think he's calling in a favour?
EVE
We do owe him.
XENA
We owe him everything. He gave up his immortality
for us. For the God of War there's no greater sacrifice.
GABRIELLE
Maybe he wants to see you again. After all, he
does have a thing for you.
XENA
Na-a, he wants something.
GABRIELLE
My point exactly.
EVE
Weren't these Amazon lands at one time?
GABRIELLE
They still are. Why do you ask?
EVE
No reason.
What happened here?
GABRIELLE
Who would destroy the Amazon forest?
Let's go.
Yah!
Varia, let's go! There's too many of them!
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
To Ares' camp!
EXTRA
Move!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You call that fighting?!
You're all right.
MARGA
We don't often have such welcome strangers on
our land. Thank you.
GABRIELLE
We're glad we could help, but we're not strangers.
VARIA
Yeah. (looks at Eve) That one looks familiar.
I am Marga, Queen of the Amazons. This is Varia,
my second-in-command.
XENA
Xena, Gabrielle, Eve.
MARGA
No strangers indeed. Gabrielle, you are an Amazon
queen yourself.
VARIA
Xena, it's said that you have the power to kill gods.
MARGA
I hope that it's true. We have one more for you.
XENA
Who?
MARGA
Ares. The God of War.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Why would Ares attack the Amazons?
XENA
Why would he send for me?
GABRIELLE
It makes no sense. He knows you wouldn't fight
them, right?
XENA
I don't know what he knows. Gabrielle, I'm gonna
head back and check out his army, find out how
strong he is. You talk to Marga. Get all the information
you can.
GABRIELLE
Right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh, Lord-
ARES
Sh. Sh. Did you find the Amazon camp?
CAPTAIN
Uh, no Lord Ares. We were ambushed. We had
them defeated and then reinforcements showed up.
ARES
So you let a few Amazons stop you.
CAPTAIN
"A few?" No. There were dozens of them, sir. We
need more men.
ARES
Bad answer.
No more excuses! I want that village!
CAPTAIN
But sir, why don't you use your powers to blast
them into oblivion?
ARES
Where's the fun in that? Now, get moving. I want
those Amazons on their knees by the end of the
day. Go!
The great God of War can't even hurt a fly.
ARES
Xena, you came.
Lucky for you. That fly nearly hadja.
I'm calling in a favour. I think you know what I'm
talking about.
ALECTO
Yeah. So, spit it out. What do you want?
ARES
I want my godhood back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marga, why do you think that Ares is attacking
the Amazons?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, we've always had an uneasy rapport, but
suddenly he wants to wipe us out.
GABRIELLE
Is there something that you have that could be
of use to him?
MARGA
It's a mystery. All we have is our land. But he's
destroyed most of it.
VARIA
He's reduced us to living like bandits in our own
forest. But he will never defeat us. We will defend
what's left, to the death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't do mortal at all well. I'm more of a, um,
now what is that word? Um, god.
ALECTO
So you want the Amazons' ambrosia.
ARES
They do have it! I knew it! My sister Artemis came
to me in a dream from the other side. She told me
they got a secret stash. Oh, they don't admit it to
anybody, but they got it.
ALECTO
They'll never give it up Ares. Not to you.
ARES
And that is where you come in. Oh, they trust you.
You go in, get the ambrosia. No one has to go to war.
ALECTO
"No one has to go to war." I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
I've got a better idea. You give me control of your
army, I go in and squish that little Amazon village
and after that, getting the ambrosia won't be a
problem. Besides, I'm looking forward to a little war.
ARES
Xena, you sound like your old self. Oh, this is
too easy. What're you up to?
ALECTO
Do I have to be up to something? This greater
good thing gets old, right?
ARES
Never tried it.
ALECTO
Sure ya did. Aren't you regretting giving up your
godhood? Having to depend on others to do things
for you? Bleeding like a stuck pig?
ARES
Well, now you mention it.
ALECTO
And to ask me for help?
ARES
Yeah, that sucked.
ALECTO
And all because you did a-
-good deed. Was it worth it?
ARES
Let me get back to you on that one.
What are you doing?
To think I actually saved your life.
TISIPHONE
Xena.
ALECTO
Gabrielle. I thought you were watchin' the Amazons.
TISIPHONE
The Amazons know what you want. They're not
giving it up.
ALECTO
Then we'll just have to take it from them.
Yeah. They're weak. It won't take much.
What happened to the peace-loving blonde chick
you used to be?
TISIPHONE
Ares-
-that Gabrielle's been gone a long time. You and
Xena showed me that warriors rule the world.
Not philosophers.
I could get used to this. I could.
ALECTO
Hm-m.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on! Order! Keep it low! Keep lower! Keep
it up! Keep it up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't place where I've seen you before.
EVE
Maybe I have a common look.
VARIA
Yeah, right. You showed some nice moves when
we were fighting earlier.
EVE
I was just trying to keep people from getting hurt.
VARIA
That's a strange thing to do in the middle of a battle.
EVE
I don't fight.
VARIA
You travel with those two but you don't fight? You
fought before. I could tell by the way you move.
You have experience.
EVE
Look, I don't talk about my past.
VARIA
All right. Let's stick with the present. There's not
many of us left. We need good fighters for the
battle ahead. So either you can join us in the
fight against Ares-
EVE
No. No, I can't do that.
VARIA
Then you can fight me, now. Come on. Hit me.
EVE
I'm not looking for trouble.
VARIA
I live for trouble.
EVE
Believe me, you don't wanna make me angry.
Fear not, friend fly. There is no dishonor in defeat.
For I am the God of War!
Did you forget me so soon? I didn't always take
second place to Xena, remember?
ARES
Well, well, well. The chip off the old block. Do I
hear jealousy?
MAGAERA
I should be leading your army. Not her.
ALECTO
Get in line.
Oh, this just gets better and better. (to Eve) Say
what happened to your new path?
MAGAERA
I got over it. Those Amazons really rub me the
wrong way. So, when do we start?
ARES
I'll tell my commander to prepare for an all-out assault.
I have got to get that ambrosia. I will never get
used to walking everywhere.
ALECTO
Oh and Ares, when we do get the ambrosia, why
don't we split it four ways? We could create
Olympus on Earth.
ARES
Four ways? Nasty. Sounds great. You know, when
I told my commanders that I had sent for you,
they thought I was crazy. Can you imagine? Here
I am spinning brilliant and those idiots think I'm
insane! What a joke!
If he's not insane, then I'm not a Fury.
Xena and Ares, one against the other.
ALECTO
One of them has to die, maybe both. Then the
Olympians will be avenged and the path will be
clear for us to rule mankind. Yeah. Yeah.
ACT TWO
Attention!
Lord Ares! Lord Ares! I finished it.
ALECTO
What's that?
ARES
My new armour.
ARMORER
Yes, Lord.
ALECTO
Well, what's it for?
Can't be too careful. Know what I mean?
ARMORER
Beg pardon, my lord?
TISIPHONE
People might wonder what the God of War needs
with that.
ARES
You think?
ARMORER
Oh, no sir. I--I try not to.
ALECTO
Yeah, she's right, ya know. If people find about
your little problem-
Might be trouble.
ARES
Sh-h! Not so loud.
ARMORER
Uh-uh. Oh, beg your pardon, uh, my lord.
ARES
(to Alecto) Ya got a point there.
ARMORER
Uh, I have? I thought I filed them all down.
ALECTO
Get rid of it, Ares. Remember, you're invincible.
ARES
Yeah. I changed my mind. Scrap it.
ARMORER
But, sir, I-I--I-
ARES
Did you hear me?! What does the God of War need
with armour?! Now, get lost! (to Alecto) Stay here.
I'll get my sword. We can start the attack.
I told you to get lost!
I thought I told you to wait outside.
XENA
You haven't told us anything yet. What's going on?
ARES
I am getting my sword, just like I told you. "Ares,
ditch the armour. Ares, what's going on?" Honey,
sweetie, I love you, but you are suffocating me.
Now, get ready. We're gonna roll right over those
Amazons just like you said.
GABRIELLE
Ares, what are you talking about?
ARES
War, baby! Come on. You were hot for it before.
Ares, there's not going to be any war.
Oh, you are such a kidder. No war.
Don't touch me.
He has lost his mind.
XENA
Maybe he had a push in that direction.
GABRIELLE
The Furies?
XENA
I'd bet on it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What took you so long? We were getting antsy.
ARES
I thought-
ALECTO
Don't think, it's time to fight.
TISIPHONE
Death to the Amazons.
Now you're talkin'. Death to the Amazons!
Ares.
ALECTO
Come on. Get moving!
Ares.
Come on, Ares. Give the order. Let's go kill them all!
ARES
(to soldiers) Let's go. Let's kill them all!
EXTRAS
Yeah!
Let's walk.
GABRIELLE
It's the Furies, all right.
XENA
We've got no time to lose. Let's go.
There. Let's head 'em off at the pass.
Avalanche!
GABRIELLE
It's not gonna hold 'em for long.
EXTRA
I need Tyrus, Nikos, Maximus, Dryus, over there.
Start clearing those rocks.
XENA
Let's get back to the Amazon village. Warn 'em.
(to Amazon nurse) How is she?
Kayla.
EXTRA
Sister.
You all right?
EVE
Yeah.
VARIA
You took care 'a my sister Amazons before you
took care'a yourself. Thank you.
EVE
My wound was a small one.
That old scar's a bad one. Take a look at this.
Wow.
VARIA
A Roman short sword. The man who did it, died
before he had time to wipe his blade.
EVE
Hm-m.
Gaelic spear. The man who did it, his entire
regiment, his village and two neighboring villages;
destroyed before the sun went down.
VARIA
I was right, you were a serious warrior. Don't you
miss it? I mean, the knot in your stomach as you
prepare for war?
EVE
The quiet after a tough battle.
VARIA
(whisper) Yeah.
EVE
Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, death
so close, then suddenly driven away.
No, I don't miss it.
VARIA
Will you teach me some moves?
EVE
Will you use them to hurt others?
VARIA
For defense only
EVE
Okay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Very good. You're a natural.
VARIA
Thanks. Come on. Show me another one.
EVE
No, I can't.
VARIA
Admit you enjoyed teaching me that.
EVE
It was all right.
VARIA
Then one more. Your best move.
EVE
Okay. Say you're being charged by two lines of
infantry, and you don't have the angle to flip over
them? You do this.
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
See, that'll putchya right-
I've only seen one warrior do that move. I knew I
recognized you from someplace. You're Livia, the
bitch of Rome.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Flay her alive!
EXTRA
It's time to die, bitch!
XENA
What now?
GABRIELLE
Maybe they're getting their spirits up.
We have her!
XENA
Hold it! Get out of here!
Cut her free!
MARGA
Can't do that, Xena.
XENA
You take on Eve, you take on me.
VARIA
Good. It was you who brought her into our village.
EVE
They know who I am Mother.
XENA
We don't have time for this. Ares' army is advancing.
You're completely outnumbered. So if you wanna
save what's left of the Amazon nation, you'll flee now.
VARIA
Your daughter, Xena? She is the reason we are
so few in numbers.
MARGA
Her army attacked us at night and many of our
best warriors were killed.
VARIA
They were the lucky ones.
GABRIELLE
Lucky to die?
XENA
Eve?
EVE
The Amazons I captured, I sold into slavery.
VARIA
Now she must pay.
MARGA
Our law says Eve must die.
I can't let that happen Marga.
MARGA
Are you challenging me?
GABRIELLE
If it comes to that, I am challenging you.
MARGA
That Roman did save my life, and we do need
Xena. We'll wait until after this is resolved before
we deal with her.
XENA
Get out of the way.
After what she did to our sisters?! She deserves-
MARGA
Varia! Obey me!
Take her to the hut and bind her! Now!
Mommy won't save you this time.
EVE
If that's my destiny, so be it.
That sword had better be for Ares' men. What
Eve did to your people is unforgivable, but she
is my daughter. And if anything happens to her
while she's in your custody, you'll have me to
deal with. And trust me...you ain't ready for that.
Eve. Eve, sweetheart, why didn't you tell us?
EVE
I couldn't. I know how much the Amazons mean
to both of you.
XENA
Did you think we would love you less?
EVE
What I did was unforgivable. You said so yourself.
If only they knew how sorry I am.
XENA
I know how hard it is to say you're sorry. Especially
to someone you love.
Gabrielle, when I hit you with my chakram-
GABRIELLE
Xena, it wasn't your fault. It was the Furies. They
drove me to try to kill your daughter. I've forgiven
you. You should too.
XENA
I nearly lost you.
GABRIELLE
But you didn't, and now the Furies are back.
XENA
Only this time, we've gotta take 'em out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Faster! Faster! Come on, come on, come on,
come on. Come on! Faster! Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on. Come on.
ALECTO
What's the matter? Can't get your rocks off?
ARES
What?
ALECTO
It's embarrassing.
ARES
What?
ALECTO
I don't think you deserve to be a god Ares.
ARES
Xena you don't mean that.
ALECTO
Oh, but I do. I do. You see you're a pathetic mortal
who couldn't think his way out of a papyrus sack. Uh.
No. No, see, you can't talk that way to me anymore,
because if it wasn't for me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e! Your
little friend and your crazed brat'd be dead!
ALECTO
Wow, that's almost as pitiful as when you told me
you loved me. We had a good laugh about that one.
ARES
I'll kill you.
Kill me? You were barely a match for me when
you were a god.
ARES
Ah-h-h!
What are you lookin' at?! Don't look at me! What
are you lookin' at?! Do not look at me!
Ares.
ARES
You! I knew I should never have trusted you.
XENA
Ares, it's the Furies. The Furies! Do ya hear
me?! They're driving you insane.
ARES
No, it is yo-o-o-o-o-o-ou who are driving me insane!
XENA
Come on Ares. Think about it. You were a god!
You know how the Furies work. Fight them Ares.
Fight them.
You don't bring me flowers anymore. No, you
hate me. You have always hated me! I tried to
give you Olympus! I tried to give you everything!
But you stabbed me in the back!
XENA
We just didn't want the same things.
ARES
Liar! You want it. You want the power but you're
too much of a coward to admit it. You took it all,
you betrayed me.
Laugh, come on. But you're not gonna live to enjoy it.
You're gonna die, Xena! You and those Amazons!
And anyone who gets in my way! 'Cause I will kill
you! I will kill you all!
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
To the death.
What's going on? Wait. Marga! Your warriors
can't beat Ares' army. You have to go now. Leave
'em to me.
MARGA
If we leave, we are nothing. We are nothing. Without
our land we are no longer Amazons.
XENA
You don't understand. Ares is insane! It's a fight you
can't win! You have to listen to me.
MARGA
No! Xena, you have no authority here. You brought
our mortal, enemy to our village. We don't trust
you. Amazons! Let's fight!
EXTRAS
Yeah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Yeah!
EXTRA
Kill them!
GABRIELLE
Xena, they're lambs to the slaughter.
EXTRA
Go!
XENA
Not if I can help it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You burned our forests! You murdered our sisters!
No more. We won't take another backward step.
You'll have to kill every last one of us.
ARES
And what'll I do the rest of the afternoon?
Now you know what I want woman. If you give it
to me, I might think about bein' nice.
XENA (voice-over)
A, la, la, la, la, la, sheee-ya!
All right Ares. This is between you and me.
ARES
Yeah, yeah, Xena. Take a number. I'll get to you.
What's the matter God 'a War? You afraid of a girl?
EXTRA
No.
ARES
(snickers) You're kiddin' right?
You're soft, like all the Olympians. You know I
killed all the others Ares, but maybe I stopped
too soon.
She can't say those things.
MEGAERA
It's her fault, Ares. Kill her.
ALECTO
Yeah, kill her.
Shut up.
ALECTO (voice-over)
Kill her!
ARES
Shut up! Shut up!
ALECTO (voice-over)
Kill her.
ARES
Get away from me!
ALECTO (voice-over)
Kill her.
XENA
You're losing it. Oh and Ares, gods don't bleed.
Care to explain that to your loyal troops?
ARES
I'll tear you apart with my bare hands!
Damn!
XENA
Hyah! Yah!
Hyah!
(whispering) Hah!
EXTRA
On your horse.
EXTRA
Retreat!
EXTRA
Retreat!
EXTRA
Retreat!
EXTRA
Retreat!
Yah! Yah!
ARES
Yah!
XENA
Yah!
ARES
Right behind ya, Xena!
XENA
Yah! Yah!
ARES
That's right, baby! I'm still here! Come on! Hyah!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Varia?
It's me. Look, we need your help. We don't have
much time. Grab these.
Come on.
Hey Xena! Where're ya goin?! I got som'in' for ya!
Are you ready to die Xena?!
XENA
Been there, done that. Yah!
I tried, ya know? Real hard. And you know what?
I'm all tried out. So what am I saying here? I guess
I'm sayin'...it's over.
Does this give you pleasure? Do you like this?!
You're like a snake! You're li-you're like--like one
of those three-headed dogs! I don't know what -
You're mean! If I could open you up I would show
people the mean inside you! And I will! I will!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Uh! Uh-h-h-h!
Yeah! You are makin' this wa-a-a-ay too easy!
XENA
I'll try harder.
ARES
Oh, would you?
You might be mortal Ares, but you will never be
a man.
ALECTO (voice-over)
Kill her. Kill her.
A-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Huh?! You like that?! Speak up!
I--I--I can't hear you!
Xena-a-a-a-a-a! Where are you?
Don't hide from me. Don't you.
Oh, there you are. So beautiful.
XENA
(muffled) Ares!
ARES
I can't hear you. You tried to fool me. Me, the God
of War.
Well, that is what you get Xena! That is what you
get! You were right! I am not a man! I am the
man, Xena-a-a!
You just killed your beloved Ares. How does it feel?
We have avenged the death of the Olympians. Now
the Furies will r-r-rule in their place. Yeah. Yeah.
(whispering) Xena. Xena!
Oh-h-h!
(whispering) I loved you, Xena.
Ares?!
I killed her.
GABRIELLE
No, you didn't. Not yet. We just have to get her warm.
Her body drowned in cold water. Her organs are
still alive. Xena. Just keep her warm.
Okay. Come on.
GABRIELLE
We just have to get her breathing. Xena? Come on.
(whispering) Come on.
(whispering) Wake up. Come on. You can do it,
you know?
GABRIELLE
Xena.
EVE
(sobbing) Please wake up.
That's it. Yeah, you did it.
Good plan.
Hey.
ARES
Mortality stinks, not to mention hurts.
XENA
Yeah it does sometimes.
You have got a wicked right jab.
XENA
Sorry about that.
ARES
Ah, it's not the end of the world. Who knows?
Maybe as a mortal I can experience something
I never could as a god.
XENA
Like what?
ARES
Like you.
XENA
You never give up, do you?
Ow.
I guess I'm finally gettin' to ya.
XENA
You always got to me...but you were bad for me
Ares. You still are.
Xena.
Is there even a chance we could be together one
day? I don't know maybe, you know, one in a thousand?
XENA
More like one in a billion.
ARES
So you're sayin' there is a chance.
I gotta stop tryin' that. I'm gonna rupture something.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Alecto
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Renee O'Connor as Tisiphone
GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Adrienne Wilkinson as Eve
Adrienne Wilkinson as Megaera
Tsianina Joelson as Varia
Sela Apera as Marga
Antonio Te Maioho as Captain
Äsa Lindh as Alecto
Annmarie Dennis as Tisiphone
Smeta Chhoto as Megaera
Graham Lauder as Armorer
Written by: Melissa Good
Directed by: Mark Beesley
Disclaimer: Xena and Gabrielle's psyche were harmed during the making of this motion picture.
