The God You Know
This transcript is dedicated to the memories of Kevin Smith and Alexis Arquette.
Xena...what kind of animal would do this?
What do you want, Michael?
MICHAEL
I sense hostility. I want you to know, I'm all right
with that.
XENA
Well, that is big of you, considering last time you
saw me, you tried to have me cast down into Hell.
MICHAEL
Desperate times warrant desperate measures.
As you see, some new desperate times have arrived.
XENA
Who did this?
MICHAEL
Caligula.
You know his reputation.
XENA
He's a psycho, a sex addict and a murderer -- your
run-of-the-mill Roman emperor.
GABRIELLE
And he thinks he's a god.
MICHAEL
No, he is a god.
XENA
He's immortal? But how did that happen?
MICHAEL
I don't know. What's important is that the God of Eli gave
you the power to kill gods. You're the only one who
can stop Caligula. He killed Tiberius in order to
gain power - murdered every last member of his
family. He's slain anybody who won't swear allegiance
to his cult of blood. He wants to write his name
into the history books as one of the great gods of
the pantheon. And he'll destroy anyone who won't
submit to him.
XENA
Including angels, no doubt.
MICHAEL
And, uh, the followers of Eli.
XENA
If anything's happened to Eve, Michael-
MICHAEL
Not yet, but your daughter has the courage of her
convictions. She's gone to confront Caligula's persecution.
GABRIELLE
Eve's in Rome?
XENA
If I find out that you're behind any of this, Michael,
swear, I-
MICHAEL
As you well know, Xena, your daughter obeys a
higher power than me.
XENA
Michael, don't forget - if I can kill gods...I can kill
angels, too.
Behold before you, the supreme incarnation-
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-of immortality on Earth. All hail the great god-emperor,
Caligula who fears nothing and cannot be vanquished.
Whoa, whoa Domastecles. Good girl.
Do it. Come on.
My Lord.
CALIGULA
Hm-m.
PRIEST
I pray for your mercy.
CALIGULA
Well, praying is good. Praying could buy you your
life - as long as your prayers are only for me and
my eternal cult of blood.
Emperor...I cannot forsake my religion.
CALIGULA
Then you forsake your life. Tie him up.
Come on.
green silks. Roman soldiers grab her too.
Let him go.
CALIGULA
Who's this?
CAPTAIN
(whispering) Eve of the Elijans.
CALIGULA
Oh! Eve of the Elijans. You know, I wish I hadn't
been away in the provinces when you were Livia. I
would have enjoyed meeting the Bitch of Rome.
EVE
Now I'm the bitch for Rome and her people, through
the God of Eli, whose love is an unconquerable
force, once it has entered the soul. As his message
spreads, Caligula, your days of tyranny are over.
Now I remember why I love to kill Elijans, it's the
only thing that shuts them up.
Yah!
CALIGULA
What was that?
Yah! Yah! Yah!
CAPTAIN
She's coming too fast.
XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
CAPTAIN
Stop her!
Eve, come with me.
Get her!
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!
Well, I don't know who you are, but I like your style.
XENA
Yeah?
How do you like this?
Ares, you fool! What do you think you're doing?!
ARES
I can't let you kill my sister.
XENA
What?
Aphrodite and Caligula's lives are bound together.
If he dies, you destroy her, too.
ACT ONE
Are you all right?
EVE
Gabrielle, I'm fine. You shouldn't be here! This
is my mission.
GABRIELLE
Your mother's mission is protecting you. Eve,
there are some Elijans hiding in the catacombs
on the outside of town. We'll join you there. Go.
EVE
Okay.
Okay.
Either you're incredibly stupid or you know that
there's nothing I enjoy more than a good surprise.
Okay, bad touching. No. Stopping now.
Guards, take him to the prison and take that
Elijan with him.
CAPTAIN
My lord, she's disappeared.
CALIGULA
Well, find her! I'll make sure that her demise is
particularly spectacular.
APHRODITE
I'm getting bored of all these distractions.
CALIGULA
Well, then, my dear, you should rest.
Oh!
Yeah! Hoo! (to Xena) All right. Why don't you try and
tell me just exactly what you think you were doing?!
Allow me to explain. I am Synda of Thrace. I
represent the financial interest of the great charioteer,
Saba. If that buffoon hadn't interrupted, then
Saba would have challenged you to a chariot race.
CALIGULA
A chariot race? Well, there may be some gold in
it for you if she can entertain me. Being a god
can be so boring, and I do so love tall girls. Come
with me.
You will be my guest of honour at the palace-
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-so that I can enjoy your company until the race.
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That feels good.
XENA
You know, Rome - this place irks me. Gabrielle,
we've gotta stop Caligula from killing Eve.
GABRIELLE
Xena, Eve is safe with the Elijans.
XENA
For now...but I don't trust her to stay put.
We have to stop this madman without hurting Aphrodite.
XENA
Which means that we have to find out what this
crazy bond is between them and break it.
GABRIELLE
We have to stop this Caligula from committing
genocide for his cult of blood.
Yes...all right. Now, Aphrodite should be at the
party. I want you to go there, find her and try to talk
some sense into her. I'm gonna join you there later.
I need to go to the dungeon - and talk to Ares.
Good luck.
GABRIELLE
Xena, don't forget, you're the guest of honour!
Aphrodite, you're looking beautiful. You just seem
a little different. Aphrodite, don't you remember me?
APHRODITE
You're being very familiar, considering I'm a
goddess and you're a butt-kissing parasite.
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, I'm your friend.
APHRODITE
Leave me alone.
Aphrodite. Aphrodite, are you okay?
APHRODITE
Fabulous!
I'm wonderful!
I've never been so happy - so - so...
GABRIELLE
(whispering) What?
APHRODITE
(whispering) So happy.
Wha--what are you doing?!
Where is she?
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I love him so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o much.
GABRIELLE
Caligula? Aphrodite, I don't believe that.
Aphrodite...you must forgive her. She's tired and emotional.
GABRIELLE
I can tell.
And where is your Saba? Hm-m? She insults
both the emperor and the god with her failure
to appear. It's time for the Praetorian guard to
hunt her down. Mm-m-m, maybe then she'll learn
the importance of punctuality, in death.
(whispering) Xena, thank the Heavens. How's Aphrodite?
XENA
(whispering) I was hoping you could tell me.
What happened to her?
ARES
(whispering) I came to Rome because I heard
she was losing her mind. You see, without the
God of War-
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-the Goddess of Love becomes unbalanced.
Caligula.
You aren't going to leave before my world-renowned
performance?
CALIGULA
Performance?
GABRIELLE
Yes.
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(whispering) Wh--wh--what does Caligula have
to do with this?
ARES
(whispering) It's like he's some kind of succubus,
sucking her godhood from her bit by bit. Now, if
you thought he was bad as an emperor, imagine
him with the powers of a full god. And there's
nothing I can do about it.
XENA
(whispering) Maybe I can.
ARES
No. (whispering) No.
XENA
(whispering) I've gotta come between them before
it's too late.
Hee! Kumalte! Kah! Jah!
Bah! Yah!
Kah! Kumalte! Kah! Hee! Jah!
Shh. Sleep well.
Kah! Dah!
Hee! Hee!
Oh!
Oh. Brilliant! Fabulous!
(whispering to Gabrielle) Did you get to Aphrodite?
GABRIELLE
(whispering to Xena) She doesn't recognize us.
Saba!
We've missed your company.
I am at your command, sire.
CALIGULA
Oh-hoh. Careful, I can have some pretty unusual
commands.
Wow. But! Your idea about the chariot race - first
we need to know that you're a worthy opponent to
race the god Caligula.
Name your task, Lord. I will prove myself worthy
of your indulgence.
CALIGULA
Good.
Prove yourself.
Kill him.
ACT TWO
In a former life, my manager and I had a little floor
show, which we would like now to perform for you
in honor of our emperor's exotic taste in entertainment.
Now, you're talking.
(to Caligula) Do you want a piece of this?
CALIGULA
I'm tempted - deeply tempted - but I, uh...
I--I--I--I can't.
XENA
Well, just as you like, though I would like to give
you a taste of what you'll be missing.
Uh! Oh, you are the savage one.
XENA
You have no idea.
And now...let us entertain you.
You know, I have fantasized about this in a hundred
different situations, I've gotta tell ya, I never got to
this scenario.
Well, enjoy it while you can 'cause in about thirty
seconds, all hell is gonna break loose.
Oh! Guards! Put that woman in chains! Immediately!
ARES
Now?
Come on. Don't make 'em go home now.
CALIGULA
I said no!
Everyone! I want this hall cleared - Immediately!
All of you go! You, guard - come here, now!
Take out your dagger! Do it! Stab me in the arm.
Come on!
Hah!
I--I still have it. Oh! Oh, my sweet immortality.
Blood.
I'm gonna die.
It's a small wound.
APHRODITE
Oh, today, maybe, but then a bigger one and then
one day, like every pathetic mortal, I'll be dead.
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, listen to me. You know me, Aphrodite.
I'm your friend.
APHRODITE
I'm not staying here to listen to this!
No. No.
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Nice touch.
CALIGULA
Saba...when you bit my lip, you made me bleed.
How is that possible? I'm an immortal.
XENA
Join the club. Caligula, I am immortal, too.
CALIGULA
Saba the charioteer's a god?
XENA
No, Saba the Celtic Goddess of Sex is a god.
When I heard that the Olympians had met an
untimely end, I thought this was a perfect opportunity
for me to spread my...wings. And of course, when
I saw you, I knew you'd make the perfect ally.
CALIGULA
Well, what power do you have?
XENA
You've already experienced my powers. I have the
ability to pierce the veil of immortality, to make
gods bleed, to make gods die. It's an uncommon gift.
CALIGULA
And a risk for any god to keep you around.
XENA
A risk not to, especially when you compare me to
that washed-out dish rag, Aphrodite.
Where is she, anyway?
XENA
Forget her. She's weak. Now, how much better
would it be - if there were two healthy gods using
one another?
You mean you...and I?
XENA
Well, otherwise, you'll be known as "Caligula,
God of Messed-Up Freaks."
Gah! How dare you speak to me in that way?!
Do you know who you're talking to?!
XENA
Do you? She-e-e-e-e-yah!
My offer's on the table, Caligula. And think about
it, carefully. I make a very good friend...and an
even better enemy.
Caligula.
My-
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-cowardly son. Don't you recognize your own
mother's voice? I see you've become the pathetic
man we always thought you'd be. You're the
laughingstock of all Rome.
CALIGULA
No!
WOMAN (voice-over)
You murdered your own family for this?!
CALIGULA
I am a god! While you are just voices in my head!
You're dead! Leave me alone!
Leave you alone?!
CALIGULA
By the Heavens! Somebody, save me!
WOMAN (voice-over)
Caligula, you're the only one who can save yourself.
What sort of demon are you?
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At last.
I'm ready.
MICHAEL
You are ready.
EVE
Yes, Archangel.
MICHAEL
You're afraid.
EVE
No, it's - I'm...
MICHAEL
Have no fear.
ACT THREE
I give unto Caesar all that is Caesar's, but I bring
also the message of Eli, the only true path to redemption.
CALIGULA
Oh, you are so earnest. This is going to be fun.
EVE
Let go of lust and violence. Open your heart to
truth and hope.
Lust and violence or truth and hope. Hm-m, I
think I'll stick with the status quo.
Oh, fabulous.
EVE
(whispering) What?
(whispering) What?
XENA
Caligula, what on Earth did you think you were doing?
EVE
I don't need you to interfere with my missi-
Ugh!
Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?
CALIGULA
Well, the demon with wings said that if I spilt her
blood, it would ensure my legacy as the greatest
of all gods.
XENA
The demon with wings?
CALIGULA
Hm-m.
XENA
My dear...why here and now, when there is neither
sport nor glory in it?
CALIGULA
Glory?
XENA
For your cult of blood. Why, this could be a missed
opportunity. Every cult needs followers. If you were
to, for example, exterminate the messenger of Eli,
in front of the masses, why...
CALIGULA
Yes. That would make them take notice.
Superb.
CALIGULA
I am, aren't I?
XENA
Why do you prefer Aphrodite to me?
CALIGULA
It's not that I prefer her, my sweet. I just need
one final thing from her?
XENA
What's that?
CALIGULA
A final kiss goodbye.
(whispers) I'm sorry. (sighs)
Why are you doing this to me? What do you want?
GABRIELLE
I want my friend back.
APHRODITE
I've never seen you before today. I could turn you
into a mosquito, you know?
GABRIELLE
You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't.
You know why? Because you do know me. You
don't want to hurt me.
APHRODITE
Well, if we're such good friends, then how come
I don't recognize you?
GABRIELLE
Because you're giving up your identity to some
maniac whom you claim to love.
Michae-e-e-e-e-e-e-el!
Come on.
You tried to get Caligula to kill Eve to force my hand.
Now you go after my girlfriends. That's not gonna
happen. Bring it on.
(whispering) Xena.
(whispering) Yes!
XENA
Don't be afraid, Michael.
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ya!
on him.
Okay, Michael, you know the drill - you got thirty seconds.
Xena, stop it!
XENA
Ten, nine...
MICHAEL
I was tryin' to kill Aphrodite, not Gabrielle! Because
Caligula is threatening to become Eli's major foe
and we can't allow the madman to become a full
god, which will surely happen if he kisses Aphrodite
one more time, and the only way I can do that is by
killing Aphrodite!
XENA
I've got one more question for ya.
MICHAEL
Huh?
XENA
What happens to angels when they die?
Xena, stop it!
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
It's gone. They've taken it away from me.
GABRIELLE
What? What is it?
XENA
The power to kill gods, Gabrielle - it's gone.
I've been looking for you, Aphrodite.
ACT FOUR
No-o-o-o!
Your passion for me overrides your good sense...but
I like that in a woman. I will forgive your jealous
outburst because-
Whoa! Oh, yeah! I feel good! Watch me!
Aphrodite. Hey.
APHRODITE
Gabrielle, I know we're like, close, but is this appropriate?
GABRIELLE
Is it really you?
Okay, Gabs, has anyone ever told you that you
can be like, a total ditz?
XENA
Aphrodite, what do you think about Caligula?
APHRODITE
Um, nothing. Caligula, ew-w-w.
XENA
The bond between them's been broken.
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
APHRODITE
Okay, whatever. I'm getting us out of here.
You can't, Aphrodite. Caligula is truly a god, now.
Open the door.
Leave us.
Eve...
What's happened?
XENA
Aphrodite's got her mind back but she's lost her immortality.
ARES
So he's a full god, now.
XENA
It gets worse. Eli has stripped me of my power to
kill gods. It means I have no way of halting Caligula's
madness.
Eve, I'm sorry.
It wasn't the punch that hurt. You trampled right
over the decision I had made.
XENA
I had to, Eve.
EVE
No. You forget, Mother - it's my life. It's my death.
It's my choice.
No, you forget - I am your mother and I would die
before I'd let him touch a hair on your head.
EVE
You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the
world forever, Mother.
XENA
Well, it's funny you should say that.
More! More!
EXTRA
Kill her!
XENA
Get up!
EXTRA
Burn her!
EXTRA
Fire!
Citizens of Rome! You are here to witness a chariot
race celebrating the allegiance between your
god-emperor and his new queen, the goddess Saba!
Hail to the queen!
EXTRA
Long may she reign!
CALIGULA
The victor of the race wins the right to kill Eve of the
Elijans, formerly Livia the Whore of Rome!
XENA
Let it begin!
Caligula!
EXTRA
A victory for Rome!
EXTRA
Ye-e-e-yah!
Hee-yah! Hyah! Come on!
XENA
Hyah!
CALIGULA
Heeyah! Yah! Come on! Heeyah! Hyah! Yah!
Oops! Still gettin' the hang of that!
He-eyah! He-eyah! He-eyah! Yah!
XENA
Yee-yah! Yah!
Yah!
CALIGULA
Yah! Yah!
EXTRA
Here they come!
XENA
Yah!
EXTRA
Look out!
CALIGULA
Yeeah! Ha-ha-ha!
XENA
Yee-ah-h-h! Yeah-h! Yah-h-h!
Come on!
XENA
Yah! Caligula-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! Yah-h-h! Yah-h-h-h!
Yah! Yah-h-h-h-h!
Don't you just love this god stuff?!
XENA
Absolutely!
Yah! O-oh! Ah! Methinks my lord enjoys this sport
a little too much!
CALIGULA
You got it, Babe!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
CALIGULA
Come on!
EXTRA
Here they come!
EXTRA
Caligula's in the lead!
XENA
Yeah! Yah! Hyah!
CALIGULA
Yah!
XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! Yah!
Come on!
XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-yah!
CALIGULA
Yeah!
Come on!
XENA
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!
XENA
Yah-h-h! Yah!
Che-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah! Yah!
CALIGULA
Faster!
XENA
Yah!
Look out!
Well, that was quite a race! I guess you're gonna
be the one who spills the blood.
XENA
Yes, I've been waiting for this opportunity a long
time - only it won't be her blood that's spilt today.
That's Xena. That's Xena, the Warrior Princess!
EXTRA
Xena?
Xena? Xena. I know that name. Yes, Xena Slayer
of...Gods.
XENA
Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so
charmingly called "Whore of Rome."
Uh, perhaps we could...renegotiate the exact terms
of the prize.
XENA
No.
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
Xena! Xena!
The only thing we'll negotiate is what happens to you.
Caligula, I have been killing gods for years and
you can hardly throw a fireball straight. So you gotta
ask yourself - do you feel lucky?
EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
I am your emperor! I am your god!
How dare you not give me the respect that I
deserve! You're nothing!
I allow you to worship me!
Perfect!
XENA
Hold on, Caligula - I'm going to spare you the
humiliation of dying on your knees.
CALIGULA
(whispering) Please...
XENA
Listen to me - still, you're gonna have what you've
always wanted, your place amongst the pantheon
of Roman gods. What better way to start your new
cult of blood than with the ultimate act of bloodshed - the
spilling of your own blood?
EXTRA
Down with Caligula!
CALIGULA
They--they hate me.
XENA
Don't listen to them.
CALIGULA
They think I'm weak!
Then prove to them you're not. Caligula, kill yourself.
If I kill you...why, you're just another dead god.
But if you were to kill yourself...
Then--then my name lives forever.
XENA
Forever - yes. Do it, Caligula. Take your rightful
place. (whispering) Do it. I understand you.
CALIGULA
Yes - live forever.
Yuh! Yes!
Uh!
The only person in all Rome who could kill
Caligula...was Caligula.
How are you feeling?
XENA
Dirty. How should I feel?
GABRIELLE
Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil.
XENA
No...he was damaged. He wasn't evil.
It's not fair. Ooh! It's not fair! (whining) Oh, it's not
fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!
ARES
Welcome to my nightmare, Sis.
GABRIELLE
Hmph.
APHRODITE
Gabrielle, when you were trying to get through to
me earlier, you said a coupl'a times that you were
my friend. Did you really mean that?
GABRIELLE
Absolutely.
APHRODITE
How cloyingly sentimental, but very much appreciated.
XENA
All right, everyone...let's get outta here. Come on.
Are you sorry, Mother? To lose your greatest gift,
the ability to kill gods?
Nah, it'll just make life spicier. Besides, I've still
got my two greatest gifts and I've got no intention
of losing either of them.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Adrienne Wilkinson as Eve
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Charles Mesure as Michael
Alexis Arquette as Caligula
Doug McCaulay as Captain
David Baxter as Elderly Holy Man
Willie Patterson as Priest
Joanne Baker as Woman
Written by: Emily Skopov
Directed by: Garth Maxwell
Disclaimer: Gabrielle's undercover disguise was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
