Armageddon Now
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
Is it snowing?
EXTRA
It's not snow. It's more like ashes.
EXTRA
It's all over the place!
Get your own!
Hercules, it's a clay wall. It doesn't have to
be perfect.
HERCULES
It's better to do it right the first time, than to have
to do it all over again when it falls down.
IOLAUS
Yeah, but if it takes forever to do it the first time,
what's the point? Oh, I know, you're doing it for
your mom.
Hercules.
HERCULES
Hmm?
ALCMENE
A messenger just came for you from Queen
Leder. I'm afraid it's bad news.
HERCULES
Oh, did something happen to Tyndareus?
ALCMENE
No, no, no, the king is fine, but their daughter
ran away and got married. Leder's afraid he's
gonna start a war because of it.
IOLAUS
Oh, Tyndareus, another word for 'hothead.'
HERCULES
He's a good man. He'll come to his senses.
ALCMENE
He's been making offerings to Ares, and raising
an army.
IOLAUS
Ares, terrific. Just what we need. Huh!
HERCULES
I promise, my next visit will be longer.
Well, it will give me something to look forward to.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome home, Callisto.
CALLISTO
Hope. Why? It's over. Leave me alone.
HOPE
Your work's not finished, Callisto.
CALLISTO
I've done all I can.
HOPE
Not yet. Your biggest challenge is ahead.
CALLISTO
And what would that be?
HOPE
To rid the world of its greatest hero. Hercules.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
You were right to come to me, Tyndareus.
A thing of beauty, isn't it? Forged by Hephaestus,
worthy of a god.
KING TYNDAREUS
It feels alive.
The fit, the finish, the balance. Feel the power.
See how it draws, smooth and sure. Be one
with the arrow.
Call him Tyndareus the Terrible!
Now! All this could be yours. Your army will
slaughter its enemies, thousands, no, tens of
thousands, will die by your hand!
KING TYNDAREUS
But I only want my daughter back.
ARES
That poor, sweet, innocent girl. When I think of
her being deceived, tricked, into that marriage,
I -- you are doing the right thing. Any good father
would do as much.
KING TYNDAREUS
You're absolutely right, of course. I appreciate
what you're doing for me, but-
STRIFE
Ah, no guts, no glory, King.
ARES
Hey, I am trying to help you, here. I could give
these weapons to your enemies. It really makes
no difference to me who slaughters whom.
STRIFE
Ah, but you'd never see Daddy's girl again.
KING TYNDAREUS
You're right. I'll kill him with my own bare hands!
ARES
That's the ticket! And the great thing is, it's gonna
cost you nothing.
Only your soul.
ARES
Who invited him to the party?
HERCULES
I wanna talk to my brother, Tyndareus. You go
with Iolaus.
KING TYNDAREUS
But Ares has agreed to help me get my daughter.
IOLAUS
King?
Don't you have any scruples?
STRIFE
Huh?
ARES
Any what?
HERCULES
You took advantage of that man's desperation.
ARES
He had potential. Don't matter, I'll find someone else.
HERCULES
Not with these toys you won't.
Oh!
ARES
No!
STRIFE
Oh, the horror!
HERCULES
There, that's better.
ARES
It took Hephaestus months to forge those weapons!
HERCULES
Well, Hephaestus needs a new hobby, like,
maybe...knitting.
Huh? Yeah. Whoo-hoo!
You don't suppose Zeus has lifted that, uh, pesky
little 'No-gods-killing-other-gods' rule, do you?
And the day started so well.
HERCULES
Yeah, well, bye, guys. It's been fun.
Get up and act like a god, you worm.
Oh-h-h! Okay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You've changed, Hope. I hardly recognized you.
HOPE
Things change, things stay the same. I am who
I always was.
CALLISTO
Yeah. And you want to kill Hercules. It's been
tried. I can't believe you have disturbed
me for this.
HOPE
The two of us will do it together. To refuse would
be a mistake.
CALLISTO
Oh yeah? And, uh, what exactly are you gonna
do if I don't, huh? You gonna kill me? 'Cause I'm
a goddess now, Sweet-cheeks, and goddesses
don't die.
HOPE
Your life is empty. You need a purpose.
CALLISTO
My life, my life, will never end. And it was
over years ago in Cirra. There is nothing you can
do for me, Hope! So you go away.
HOPE
I can redeem your life, rid you of your demons,
in a way you never thought possible.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I appreciate your intentions, but it's my daughter's
future at stake.
HERCULES
Not your fatherly pride?
KING TYNDAREUS
Certainly not!
IOLAUS
Look, do you know the guy she's marrying?
KING TYNDAREUS
Yes, I know him.
HERCULES
So, what's wrong with him?
KING TYNDAREUS
Well, he's not good enough for her, that's what.
IOLAUS
Why? Because she's a princess?
KING TYNDAREUS
Well, it's not that. He comes from a royal family,
too. It's just that, uh-
HERCULES
It's just that she's your daughter.
KING TYNDAREUS
Well, she deserves better!
HERCULES
Have you talked to her about this?
KING TYNDAREUS
Yes, I did. I forbade her to see him, let alone
marry him.
IOLAUS
So then she did the obvious thing and ran away
and did it.
HERCULES
Tyndareus, I've known you for a long time. I know
how much you and your daughter love each other.
Don't let this come between you.
KING TYNDAREUS
I couldn't live if it did.
HERCULES
Well, then, throw them a wedding feast! I mean,
your daughter's in love, you should be celebrating!
KING TYNDAREUS
You're right. Won't you both join us?
IOLAUS
Hey, is the world supported on the back of four
giant elephants?
KING TYNDAREUS
Good! Well, that's settled, then. I'll expect you!
He's a hothead, but a nice guy.
HERCULES
Hmm, I thought the world was round.
IOLAUS
Huh?! Really?
I needed that war to reinforce my position on
Olympus! Those other fools can't see what's
coming, but I can. I know. And you! You're a
worthless excuse for a god. He makes a fool
of you time and time again!
STRIFE
Hey, hey, hey! You know, I'm not the only one
who's afraid of crossing Zeus. I still don't see
Herc's head on your belt, Mister Big-bad-God of-
Hit him again. He deserves it.
ARES
Callisto! Looking better than ever, immortal and
a newborn goddess.
CALLISTO
I'm flattered, Ares. I really wasn't quite sure what
kind of reception I would get as myself, considering
the last time we met I was in Xena's body.
ARES
Oh, I remember.
STRIFE
Callisto? She's a twisted sister. Next to her, the
Furies are, uh, mellow.
Shut up, Strife.
Whoa, nice technique.
CALLISTO
Yeah, well, I love fire. It's always been a part of
me, since Xena's army burned by home. And that
fire turned my family to ashes. And everybody
died that day.
ARES
I love it when you talk like that. Such delicious
carnage. Xena would have laid waste to the entire
mortal world if Hercules hadn't interfered. What
has he got against fun, huh?!
Don't trust her, Unc. You know, she may be a
god, but she's not one of us.
ARES
Shut up, Strife.
I admire your technique, too. It's like a hammer
to an anvil.
ARES
You know, some people are just begging to
get pounded.
CALLISTO
I didn't think you noticed.
ARES
I was talking about Hercules. Sooner or later,
he's gonna go too far, and I might not be able
to restrain myself.
CALLISTO
Oh, well, that is a problem, isn't it? What would
Zeus do if that ever were to happen, huh?
ARES
What's an eternal life without the occasional risk?
CALLISTO
You know what your problem is? Huh? Well,
you're always trying to kill Hercules. What if you,
just got rid of him, in a way that Zeus never
knew about? Then we'd really have some fun,
huh? And I'll show you carnage like you never
dreamed of, a landscape littered with body parts.
STRIFE
Unc, can't you see? She's playing you like a lyre.
She's jerking your strings!
ARES and CALLISTO
Shut up, Strife!
Whoa!
ARES
He's right about you, isn't he?
CALLISTO
But you wanna know more, don't you?
ARES
I'm all ears. Well, maybe not all ears. Okay? I
like it. But there's no need to rush.
Damn!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, this is the place.
CALLISTO
I'm ready if you are.
ARES
Oh yeah, I'm ready.
Was it good for you?
ARES
Not yet.
I'm back.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
ARES
So, you're the Sovereign. Gotta tell you, love
the beard.
SOVEREIGN
Ares, the God of Love in basic black. I approve.
ARES
Hey! You're not in Neverland now, pal. You're
in my yard.
SOVEREIGN
And Priestess Callisto. You must be my welcome
home present.
CALLISTO
Hmm. Please, I really don't wanna hear about it.
Just fork over the pendant, Sunshine.
This? Huh. I don't think so.
ARES
Come to Papa.
Wait a minute. This isn't my world. Disappointed!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh, as a fashion statement, it, uh, comes in a
little short, but, uh, since it's filled with the blood
of the golden hind-
ARES
I think I'll keep this. Hind's blood is nasty stuff.
It's the only thing that will kill a god! And the god
who has it, is top god!
Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Are you ready
to consummate our relationship and move ahead
with the plan?
Uh-uh-uh-uh, one thing at a time. First we consummate.
CALLISTO
Ares, I don't think you trust me.
ARES
No.
CALLISTO
All right, what do I have to do to convince you?
STRIFE
I don't trust her, Unc. Dump her now. It's what
she deserves.
CALLISTO
You pathetic little weasel!
ARES
No, no, no, no, no.
Sometimes, he can be such an embarrassment.
STRIFE
Okay. Okay. You made your point. But, uh, what
do we do now? How do we get Hercules where
we want him, hmm?
CALLISTO
That is the beauty of unleashing the Sovereign,
you nit-wit.
ARES
My brother is such a predictable do-gooder. Soon
he'll have his hands full with his own bad self.
CALLISTO
Hmm. Yes, and while he's busy with the Sovereign,
that leaves us with our own fun and games,
doesn't it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules, we're going to this wedding feast,
aren't we?
HERCULES
Hmm.
IOLAUS
It should be good. Food, wine, dancing girls.
Huh, dancing girls.
HERCULES
I wouldn't wanna let you down.
IOLAUS
Yeah.
HERCULES
And besides, I wanna see how he handles having
a son-in-law under his roof.
IOLAUS
Yeah, and dancing girls.
HERCULES
Mmm.
Whoa! Big guy! Sorry! My fault.
HERCULES
It's okay.
PASSERBY
How'd you get here so fast? Shaved? New
clothes? How'd you do that?!
IOLAUS
I think it's the drink talking.
HERCULES
Uh-huh.
PASSERBY
Whatever works, just don't get him mad. I've seen
what he can do, and I don't want to see it again.
HERCULES
What do you think I did?
PASSERBY
Arcadia, this morning you tore the place up!
HERCULES
Oh.
PASSERBY
'Course, it needed it, not a problem.
IOLAUS
Are you sure it was him?
PASSERBY
Sure, I'm sure! Of course, he had the beard, that
black leather outfit. But it was your friend, here.
HERCULES and IOLAUS
The Sovereign.
HERCULES
Let's get to Arcadia.
IOLAUS
Yeah.
HERCULES
(to Passerby) Thanks.
IOLAUS
(to Passerby) Thanks.
PASSERBY
Whatever you say.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi-ya, Hercules. Beautiful day, isn't it?
SOVEREIGN
What did you call me?
You people should fear me!
Look out!
SOVEREIGN
Hide from me! Tremble at the sight of
me! All I get are happy faces! I hate happy!
Nice to see he's mellowed out.
IOLAUS
I'd hate to see him when he gets really mad.
Hercules, he's the same strength as you. This
could take forever.
HERCULES
Maybe not. So, how's your throwing arm?
IOLAUS
Okay.
That's enough!
SOVEREIGN
Nobody talks to me like that!
HERCULES
Behave yourself, and stop acting like a child.
SOVEREIGN
You. You trapped me in that place. But I'm out
now, and I'm not going back.
HERCULES
Oh, you're going back, one way or another.
SOVEREIGN
Really?
Okay.
Oh, yeah. This is gonna be good.
HERCULES
Now, Iolaus!
You. Well, I've been thinking about you, too.
Every night, I've been dreaming of snapping your-
-puny, little neck.
IOLAUS
Yeah? Well, I think you're all talk!
What did you do?
HERCULES
That's Narcolepsis dust. I recommend just a
pinch for a good night's sleep.
Nighty-night. You know Herc-
-something tells me he didn't get out of there
on his own.
HERCULES
Yeah, I have a good idea who it was, too.
IOLAUS
Yeah.
HERCULES
But first, we gotta put him back, this time for good.
IOLAUS
Wait a minute. Where's the hind's blood?
It's not on him. Whoever freed him has it now.
Great. Wake up, Iolaus. Come on.
Well, here we are, but-
HERCULES
It's here, all right. We just can't see it. Now how're
we gonna open it up?
CALLISTO
We'd be glad to help.
HERCULES
Callisto.
And Ares.
IOLAUS
Hercules, there it is; the hind's blood.
HERCULES
I knew it would be.
ARES
Well, how so, Brother?
HERCULES
Well, who else would feel a need for it? Only you.
SOVEREIGN
It's mine! Give it back! Or I'll tear it off your
rotting corpse!
ARES
I like your style. Too bad you won't be stickin'
around long enough for us to get acquainted.
CALLISTO
All right, cut the chit-chat. Let's just do it.
HERCULES
Do what?
ARES
It.
No, I'm not going back! No!
Ah-h! Hercules! Ah-h! Ah-h-h-h-h-h!
Hercules, look out!
HERCULES
Oh, no you don't!
No! Hercules!
ARES
Huh! Ah! I think this calls for a celebration.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Oh, just great! Welcome to my nightmare!
HERCULES
It's not so bad.
SOVEREIGN
Tell me the cup is full, and so help me...
HERCULES
There's gotta be a way out of here. Where's this
road go to?
SOVEREIGN
That road? It's an endless circle. See, it leads
right back to here. I should know. Why, I've tried
it enough times! This is unbelievable! I finally
escape and where do I end up?! Right back
where I started, trapped in this place between
...worlds, thanks to you.
What, are you crazy?! If I die, you'll die too!
SOVEREIGN
I don't care about dying, anymore! I kill you; you
kill me, it doesn't matter. Either way, it ends now.
Bye-bye.
Hercules. I don't know what to do.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To victory.
ARES
To a world without Hercules.
STRIFE
There's no stopping us now.
CALLISTO
'Us'?
ARES
You obsequious toad. You weren't even there.
STRIFE
Far be it for me to steal your thunder. You're the
Man With the Plan. You're the Mistress of Mean.
I'm just proud to be on the team.
CALLISTO
Does this brazen brown-nosing actually work
with you?
ARES
What can I say? A little...stroking never hurt anyone.
No, no, no. Uh. Look, but don't touch.
CALLISTO
I want it.
ARES
I figured you did. Come and get it, if you think
you can.
CALLISTO
Oh, I know I can, I was just hoping you'd
put up a fight!
Ares!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's get him mad!
Not exactly my idea of foreplay, but, it'll do. Hah!
Oh, you're good, girlie, but when it comes to
physical punishment, I invented the art.
Damn! Teach her a lesson!
CALLISTO
Here's your lesson, punk!
Ow! That was low!
Well, I guess that was too but, oh well!
Huh?
ARES
Ha-hah!
Get up Callisto, your work's not done.
Whoa!
STRIFE
Oh!
CALLISTO
No!
ARES
O-oh! Ah!
CALLISTO
You're finished, Ares. You're washed up, and
wrung out!
O-oh!
CALLISTO
Everything'll be different, now.
The last thing anybody wants-
-is a has-been god like you!
Ooh!
CALLISTO
Let me tell you a little secret. Just the idea, the
mere idea, of you touching me makes my skin
crawl. Come to Mama!
Strife! What are you waiting for? Do something!
Stop her.
Get that pendant back before it's too late. Now!
STRIFE
Um, you know, no hard feelings, okay? I mean,
you--you got the chops and that's a fact. If it's--if
there's one thing that us gods of aggression
appreciate, it's a good show of strong, brute force.
You know, no mercy. So, uh, let me be the first
to welcome you to the club.
CALLISTO
But I wouldn't wanna be in a club, that'd have
me for a member.
What in Tartarus?
HERCULES
Something terrible has happened.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, what have you done?
He's dead!
ARES
Dead?! He can't be dead! He's a god!
CALLISTO
Well, at least we know the stuff really works, huh?
HOPE
Callisto.
He wasn't so bad. He tried hard. He--he was just
no good at his job. You didn't have to do this!
You know, Callisto didn't do this by herself.
ARES
The one great evil is here, as part of that creature
that was with her. And we've sensed him, everyone
on Olympus has. This...this force of darkness,
spells the end of all of us. Gods and man alike.
IOLAUS
Then, we've gotta stop her!
ARES
Stop her! Didn't you see what happened?! She
can't be stopped!
IOLAUS
If we got Hercules back, maybe he can.
ARES
What can he do that I can't?!
IOLAUS
Think about it. Whatever Callisto and this evil
are up to, they had to get rid of Hercules first.
It's him they're afraid of, not you!
ARES
You know what? I'm gonna go to Zeus. We're
gonna get the gods - no, that's stupid, he's gonna
blame me for getting Strife killed, right here!
IOLAUS
Forget Zeus. It's Callisto we have to worry about.
Look, think about it, she's killed one god, maybe
you're next!
ARES
Will you shut up?! I cannot think!
IOLAUS
Ares! She played you for a sap, and then she
kicked your butt!
Enough! But maybe you're right. Let's get the witch.
It's time. The first part's finished. Hercules is
gone and you move on.
CALLISTO
I'll do this for you, and then it's my turn.
HOPE
Your pain will be gone, it'll be like it was never
there. The promise stands. You'll live with a free
heart. But first, this.
CALLISTO
Do it.
HOPE
The ability to cross time is yours. All gods can
do it. You'll master the gift, eventually. But for
now, you'll be shown the way.
CALLISTO
Well, if all gods can do it-
HOPE
They won't interfere, as long as you have the
hind's blood.
Callisto!
HOPE
You're too late. It's too late for all of you.
Where did she go?!
She's gone back in time.
ARES
It can't be.
HOPE
To stop Hercules from ever being born.
IOLAUS
Alcmene. She's gone to kill Hercules' mother.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
IOLAUS
You're a god. You can go back in time. Why don't
you just go back and get her?!
ARES
I can't go chasing after Callisto. I got
responsibilities, here. Strife is gone. Someone's
gotta look after things.
IOLAUS
Admit it, Ares. You're scared.
Okay. Send me back. I'll go.
ARES
All right, it's your funeral. You can follow Callisto
wherever she goes, but only where she goes.
And you can come back to the present, but that's
it. Make the most of it.
-having a fling with a stable boy.
MOTHER
Oh!
GOSSIP
Why, she's old enough to be his mother!
MOTHER
It's terrible!
IOLAUS
Uh, excuse me. This looks like Corinth.
GOSSIP
Well, it is Corinth.
IOLAUS
Good, good. Uh, look, um, I wonder if you could
help me. I'm looking for someone. She's, uh,
tall, blonde, bad-tempered, huh! A woman. Uh,
I don't know if she's been here already, or if
she's going to appear later.
GOSSIP
Haven't seen her. Have you been drinking?
IOLAUS
No! No, no, no, no, not yet. Uh, what about
Hercules? You know him?
GOSSIP
Never heard of him.
IOLAUS
Okay, uh, Alcmene, how about her?
GOSSIP
Oh! We know her all too well, the harlot.
IOLAUS
Harlot. Okay. Are we talking about the same
Alcmene? Um, her husband's Amphitryon.
GOSSIP
Her husband's dead. He went off to war. But
Alcmene couldn't be bothered to wait. She's
with child. What do you think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is getting us nowhere!
I told you it wouldn't!
Now, listen to me. If we work together, we can
find a way out of here!
SOVEREIGN
For you, you mean. Even if I did help you, and
we found a way out of here, you would still try to
leave me in here.
HERCULES
Fine, then I'll do it on my own.
SOVEREIGN
Sure! Go ahead, for all the good it'll do you.
You're an idiot! You know that?!
HERCULES
You know nothing about me.
SOVEREIGN
Oh, yes I do.
Oh, yeah. See, I've watched you in here. You
should make people worship you, tremble in
fear. But what do you do? Oh, you help them out.
You solve their puny problems. You're pathetic.
HERCULES
Maybe, you're the one who's pathetic. You ever
think about that? Are you so happy with your
own life?
SOVEREIGN
Forget it!
HERCULES
Wait! You said you watched me in here. How?
SOVEREIGN
I was thinking about you putting me in this place,
and a window popped up in that pool, and there
you were. I tried to reach through it to strangle you.
HERCULES
Callisto and Ares didn't put us in here on their
own. They had the help of some evil force. I saw
him. Now, Iolaus is alone back there with
what--whatever it is.
Iolaus?
Get used to it. It's torture. We can see the outside
world, but we can't get back to it.
HERCULES
There has to be a way. There's always a way.
There must be.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmm, the baby kicked again. He's so strong. Our
baby, Amphitryon, no matter what anyone says.
I know it was you in my bed that night, even though
they say it's not possible. They say you were killed
before the night you came to me. And if that's true,
I have to believe, because our love was so strong,
that you came to me in spirit. I know it was you.
I'll always love you.
Alcmene! Um, uh, you don't know me. Uh, I'm
a friend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell me, have you seen any strangers around
here? A woman?
YOUNG ALCMENE
No, just you.
IOLAUS
What about Iphicles, your son? Is he inside?
YOUNG ALCMENE
No, no he's away with friends. Who are you?!
What do you want!
IOLAUS
We haven't got time for this.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's with my mother.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We gotta get away from her. I'll tell you in a
moment. We--we gotta get out of here. Come
on. It's dangerous.
What are you doing? Come on, I told you, I'm
a friend!
YOUNG ALCMENE
I'm not going anywhere with you!
IOLAUS
But, wait! You don't understand!
Huh?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello? Can I help you?
CALLISTO
Yes.
N-no-o-o!
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Kevin Sorbo as the Sovereign
Michael Hurst as Iolaus
GUEST CAST
Hudson Leick as Callisto
Kevin Smith as Ares
Amy Morrison as Hope
Joel Tobeck as Strife
John Manning as King Tyndareus
Liddy Holloway as Alcmene
Kim Michalis as Young Alcmene
Bernard Woods as Drunk
Mark Caldwell as Peasant
Rodney Cooke as Passerby
Les Dwight as Mother
Shirley Elliott as Gossip
Patrick Kake as Kevin Sorbo's Double
Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: Mark Beesley
Disclaimer: Once again, Alcmene's fence was not finished during the production of this motion picture.
