Armageddon Now II
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
Who are you?! What do you want?!
IOLAUS
I--I'll tell you in a moment. We--we gotta get
outta here.
Come on, it's dangerous. What are you doing?
Come on, I told you, I'm a friend.
YOUNG ALCMENE
I'm not going anywhere with you.
IOLAUS
But, wait! You don't understand!
Callisto.
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YOUNG ALCMENE
Hello? Can I help you?
CALLISTO
Yes.
Alcmene, down!
hits a cart.
Uh!
CALLISTO
Iolaus. Surprise, surprise.
IOLAUS
Come on! Run as fast as you can! Get going!
Go on, run!
IOLAUS
Come on! Pick it up!
CALLISTO
Run as fast as you can.
Who are you?! Why is that thing after you?!
IOLAUS
You! Not me!
YOUNG ALCMENE
Well, I don't know either one of you!
IOLAUS
Look! I can't explain it to you if we're both on fire!
Come on! Trust me I'm here to protect you!
Alcmene, how's the baby? Let me feel him kick.
See? You don't know her, but she knows you.
And it's you she's after! Come on!
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Come on. Come on! Run, Iolaus, run!
Why don't you grow up?
SOVEREIGN
Aw, shut up!
HERCULES
I know your world is the opposite of mine. Every
person in my world has a counterpart in yours.
SOVEREIGN
I said, shut up!
HERCULES
Take us, for example. You hate, and I don't. Why
is that?
You see, we've got these two worlds. And this
place we're in here is smack-dab in the middle.
Now, if we can understand each other, you know,
where we're from, maybe we can figure out what
makes this place tick.
SOVEREIGN
Am I gonna have to listen to this for eternity?
HERCULES
Well, I was hoping to get us out of here before then.
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No! This is all too strange! I can't deal with it.
I'm going home.
IOLAUS
No! Wait! You can't. If you do, you'll die,
and so will the child inside you.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
What is it?
IOLAUS
No!
Ahh!
IOLAUS
Come on!
Why are you people so afraid to die?
IOLAUS
Down!
Give it up, Iolaus! You can't save her.
YOUNG ALCMENE
She is after me.
IOLAUS
Yeah. Isn't there a water tower around here?
YOUNG ALCMENE
That way.
IOLAUS
Come on.
CALLISTO
Oh, I love a good chase.
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Hurry, Iolaus, get to the water tower.
SOVEREIGN
Hmm, I could use this Callisto. We could do
some damage.
HERCULES
Don't you get it?! If Callisto kills my mother, your
mother in your world will die at the same time,
neither of us will ever be born.
SOVEREIGN
Which means, I won't be stuck in here with you.
I'll take it.
Wait a minute. You must have had a family, just
like I did.
HERCULES
I did. Hera killed them.
SOVEREIGN
So she kills your family-
-for something you did!
And when yours died-
-mine did too!
I'm sorry that happened. I'm sure you loved your
family very much.
SOVEREIGN
You're to blame for everything that's happened
to me. You can forget about getting out of here.
You're mine.
HERCULES
I'm not responsible for what happened to you
or your family, or what you became. You're not a
victim! You are who you choose to be. We all are.
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I can smell you. Ah! And there you are.
All right, then, where is she? I'm tired of waiting.
IOLAUS
You're gonna have to go through me.
CALLISTO
Okay.
No!
I thought I told you to stay under cover.
YOUNG ALCMENE
I was afraid for you.
IOLAUS
Now I know where Hercules gets his stubborn
streak. Come on.
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She's dead by now. Your turn.
I can't get the window to open if I have to keep
watching out for you.
SOVEREIGN
Tell someone who cares! So she dies! So what?!
HERCULES
So everything changes!
How many times do I have to tell you, if she
dies, we die.
SOVEREIGN
What's the downside?
Why would Callisto want to kill my baby?
IOLAUS
Alcmene, your baby, your son, Hercules, he'll be
a hero. He'll fight injustice, and oppression,
helping people in need. He'll be the most famous
hero in history.
YOUNG ALCMENE
How can a son of mine be a hero? He'll grow
up with no father.
IOLAUS
The man you thought was his father, was Zeus.
Your son is the son of the King of the Gods.
YOUNG ALCMENE
Why are you telling me things like this? Impossible
things. Why?
IOLAUS
Because they're true.
The barn!
Will we be safe here?
IOLAUS
No, there's no safety anywhere, as long as Callisto
knows you're alive. I've gotta stop her.
YOUNG ALCMENE
Well, how? She's a goddess.
IOLAUS
She has a pendant. It looks like jewelry, but it
contains the blood a golden hind.
YOUNG ALCMENE
I thought that was only a myth.
IOLAUS
Oh, no, it's real, all right. And hind's blood can
kill a god. I know, I've seen it. If I can get that, we
win. If I can't-
YOUNG ALCMENE
You're willing to risk your life, for me and my baby?
IOLAUS
He'd do the same for me, he has, many times.
I'd gladly die so that you and your boy could live.
I am who I am, because of him. I am one of the
people whose lives he changed, one of the
many. And I love him like a brother.
YOUNG ALCMENE
I was hoping for a girl.
With a friendship like yours, my son must be very
special. He has a lot to live for, and so do I.
IOLAUS
I can't imagine a world without him.
Be careful, Iolaus.
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Hey, Cupcake! Hi. Uh, look, I was wondering,
could we talk? I mean, what would it take for you
to, you know, ease up, uh, forget about Alcmene?
Because the thing is, I grew up around here. I
mean, I'm in the same boat as Hercules! You
torch all of this, you could kill me!
Yah!
CALLISTO
I do not have time for this!
Okay, Callisto, come and get it!
Mine!
Ah! Why, uh? What does it matter to you if Hercules
lives or dies?
CALLISTO
It doesn't, but I made a deal, and if I don't deliver,
I don't get paid. Now, where is she?
IOLAUS
Ha, you've gotta be kidding.
CALLISTO
Hmm, that's all right, 'cause I already know.
IOLAUS
Alcmene! Run! Run! Get out of there!
You think I can hit it from here?
No!
ACT TWO
I'm sorry I failed you, Alcmene. Now the world
will never know Hercules.
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And I've lost the best friend I...
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Mother?
SOVEREIGN
Hmm.
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This will not go unanswered. I will find you, Callisto!
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Mom's dead. Hmm. Oh. You're not gonna cry,
are ya?
You have no idea!
Our mothers are both dead which means we
can't leave here now, because out there, we
don't exist. All of history has been changed.
SOVEREIGN
Well, your history is just starting, Hero. And I
promise you, it will be one of pain. Hmm.
Poor Mommy.
HERCULES
Unless I can reach Iolaus.
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Hey! Where am I?
VILLAGE MAN
You're in the wrong place. This is Cirra.
IOLAUS
Cirra. Callisto's town. What's going on?
VILLAGE MAN
Xena what's going on, Mister. Already laid waste
to half the countryside. Now she's headed for us.
IOLAUS
So I'm still in the past. Xena destroyed Cirra. And
Callisto's come back to stop that. That was her
price for Alcmene.
VILLAGE MAN
What are you muttering about?! You better
get outta here, before you get grabbed up by
Xena's men.
IOLAUS
Listen, I have to find someone. Callisto.
VILLAGE MAN
There's only one Callisto here, Pankos and
Arleia's kid.
IOLAUS
How do I find her?
VILLAGE MAN
In this?! Hah! Fat chance!
Hi, beautiful. You won't be needing this.
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Get in there. Move along.
KING QUALLUS
I come to pay tribute.
Take it. And save yourself the time and trouble
of coming to my pitiful country to sack and pillage.
XENA
Oh, no trouble. So good of you to come. You'll
have to work on your groveling.
These mortals offer no opposition. They have
no spine.
WARRIOR
Get up!
ARES
You'd think they'd just get tired of it. A champion
would come forward.
XENA
That would make it more interesting. Of course,
I'd only have to kill him or her.
KING QUALLUS
Please, consider my offer, Princess Xena.
XENA
I think I will. What is it?
KING QUALLUS
A rare jewel-
-unlike any other, possessing a strange power.
What does it do?
KING QUALLUS
That wasn't revealed to me. But spare us, and
it's yours.
XENA
It already is.
KING QUALLUS
Then I may return to my kingdom?
XENA
Yes and no. Send his body back to his kingdom.
Stick his head out there with the others.
WARRIOR
Okay, let's go.
KING QUALLUS
But-
You'll hardly feel a thing.
XENA
I hate uninvited guests.
I'll lead the frontal assault. Go, Darphus, sound
the signal to attack. Anyone who raises a sword
against us dies.
HERCULES
The Chronos stone.
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Callisto! Callisto!
CALLISTO
Mama.
Stay close to me. I don't wanna lose you.
EXTRA
Hurry!
CALLISTO
Move.
Looks like we've already been at work.
Uh, I need that.
BECKARUS
Uh-uh, maybe later. You look like a guy who can
take care of himself. How would you like to join
Xena's army?
IOLAUS
Do I have a choice?
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There you are! I've been worried sick!
Daddy.
PANKOS
Go, I'll meet'cha in the barn.
CALLISTO
No! You're not safe! You have to get out of here
before it's too late!
PANKOS
Who are who?
CALLISTO
I'm somebody who wants to help you. If you don't
get out of here, you're all gonna die!
PANKOS
I've given every last dinar we have to Xena's
lieutenant. We'll be spared.
CALLISTO
Please, you have to listen to me.
ARLEIA
Just let go of me!
YOUNG CALLISTO
Mommy!
PANKOS
Hey! Leave us alone. Get Callisto out of here.
It's time. You know what to do.
All the others were too old, too fat, or too scared.
This guy liked the idea.
Oh, a mercenary. Intent on fleecing the flocks
before I do. What makes you think you're cut
out to be in my army?
I don't wanna join your army. I wanna talk to you.
About what?
Sparing this miserable village? Huh. Well, that's
not an option.
Nice move. Who taught you that?
IOLAUS
You did.
XENA
Well, here's another lesson for ya.
Wait! You know me!
XENA
Yeah, that's why I'm trying to give ya such a
warm welcome!
I don't know what you thought you were doing
here, but you failed.
IOLAUS
I'm your friend.
XENA
You must be mistaken-
-'cause I don't have any friends.
And around here, neither do you.
ACT THREE
Wait! I can prove I know you! I know all about you!
A lot of people do. I'm a legend.
IOLAUS
Yeah, but most people don't know about the
birthmark on your-
XENA
Well, like I said, "I'm a legend."
Your lieutenant, Darphus.
He's gonna betray you, make you run a gauntlet.
XENA
Darphus? He hasn't got the guts for that. He
knows I'd kill him.
IOLAUS
Because of what's gonna happen here in Cirra,
a little girl, is gonna turn into a monster goddess.
So many people are gonna suffer. You can
change all that.
Can you see the future?
IOLAUS
No, I'm from the future, and I know your destiny.
XENA
And I'm starting to get a handle on yours. Let me
tell ya, it's not far away and it involves a great
deal of pain.
IOLAUS
There is good inside you, Xena. You're destined
for great things, as a hero.
XENA
A hero, me? Well, maybe I'll even find true love, huh?
Please, what I'm telling you is the truth.
XENA
Oh, that's a good line. I bet it works great on
the yokels.
I know about your son, Solan.
Solan? Nobody knows about Solan. Who are you?
DARPHUS
Xena! We're ready!
Where did that man go?!
DARPHUS
I didn't see anybody.
XENA
He wanted me to spare this miserable village.
Get the women and children out. We're gonna
waste this town.
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It's eating you up, isn't it? You can watch, but you
can't help. That's better punishment for you than
if I did kill you myself.
Does the thunder scare you?
Maybe there is a way out.
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She said waste the place. Burn it!
The village is burning. You're not safe here.
Come with me.
Go away.
Women and children are supposed to be out
of here!
ARLEIA
No!
RUFFIAN
Come on!
CALLISTO
No!
Arleia, what's happening?!
Pankos? Pankos?! Pankos?!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
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You have to die, for both of us now.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Callisto! What are you doing with my niece?!
Where are the parents?
IOLAUS
They're dead. I'm sorry.
Then I'll take care of her.
IOLAUS
You know, if you cry, it might help.
YOUNG CALLISTO
No, I will never cry.
Okay, Callisto, where are you?
Corinth, but-
ONE-LEGGED MAN
Remember me to the conqueror. I fought with
you when we took Sparta.
EXTRA
Yeah!
Xena the Conqueror?
EXTRA
Move along! Go on! Hurry along! Let's go!
Aw, no.
Bring out the prisoner!
What is her crime?
GABRIELLE
I spoke.
DARPHUS
She incited the people against you, encouraged
them to revolt.
Get up!
Are you guilty?
GABRIELLE
I gave voice to the people, the fearful, the starving,
the ones who disappeared in the night, never
to be seen again. (to people) Have you no dignity?!
No rights? A right to live, to be free from harm?!
XENA
I guess they don't hear your voice.
GABRIELLE
I'm not the only one. You can't break our spirit.
XENA
The cure for spirit is fear. You'll serve as an
example. Put her on the cross.
Break her legs.
ACT FOUR
Ares! Ares! I'm back, but something's gone
horribly wrong. Callisto succeeded. Alcmene's
dead! Hercules doesn't exist anymore! You've
got to send me back, to make things right, please!
ARES
Two things. First, who are you? Second, who in
Tartarus is Hercules?
IOLAUS
Hercules, the only one who can stop Xena!
ARES
Xena! Xena, Xena, Xena, Xena, Xena,
Xena, Xena, the sound of her name excites me!
Cruel, heartless, merciless, Xena! Why
would you wanna stop her?
IOLAUS
Because soon she'll conquer all of Greece!
ARES
Will she?
She already rules the known world! The Roman
Empire, the Far East, Gaul! All roads lead here!
Everybody knows that! Are you getting enough sleep?
Ares!
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Come on, Iolaus.
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Think. The Chronos stone.
If only he could hear me.
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The Chronos stone. Uh, Herc?
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Xena has it.
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You know, if I had that, I could go back in time
without Ares' help.
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Xena has it!
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Xena has it! That was the Chronos stone
on her scepter. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I can't
know that. I mean, that, unless...Herc? Is that
you? Are you there?
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I'm right here! Come on.
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Yes! He's alive! He's alive!
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What are you doing?
HERCULES
If it's any of your business, I'm making a key.
SOVEREIGN
A key. Yeah, this place got to you, didn't it?
This place isn't so bad, it's the company.
SOVEREIGN
So, you get out. According to you, you'll, uh,
evaporate, you know, poof! disappear.
HERCULES
Not if Iolaus does what I think he'll do.
I, uh, I wouldn't stand too close to that.
SOVEREIGN
What like this?
Don't say I didn't warn you. It's gonna work.
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Xena!
Yeah!
Come on!
EXTRA
Come on!
EXTRA
Stick him!
EXTRA
Stick him!
Stop him! He has scepter!
XENA
Get him!
EXTRA
Come on!
EXTRA
After him!
What happened?!
I don't know!
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Iolaus! I--I thought you were outside!
IOLAUS
I was! I am!
Come on.
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That was close. We made it. Well, come, come
on. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.
YOUNG ALCMENE
How did you manage to think so fast?
IOLAUS
Ah, it took a lot longer than you realize.
YOUNG ALCMENE
Iolaus.
IOLAUS
Yeah.
YOUNG ALCMENE
You know, there's a two year-old in the village
called Iolaus. He's always stealing pastries.
IOLAUS
That's a different guy altogether.
Thanks to you, my baby's alive. See? Feel him
kick. Yeah. Go on.
I know that kick anywhere!
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It's, uh, it's been a pleasure.
Oh, no, you don't.
There's a price to pay for being a hero.
Are you willing to pay it?
IOLAUS
Wait, you remember me? I saved you from the
burning barn in Cirra.
CALLISTO
No, you didn't! Because you meddled and saved
Alcmene, I never got to go there. I was playing
with you last time. I'm not playing anymore.
Surprise!
CALLISTO
Oh, I've been lookingforward to this.
HERCULES
So have I!
Stay!
There, that should keep her out of trouble for
a while.
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No. No, no, no, no-no, no-no-no-no!
Ah! Very disappointed! I really hate him.
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Hercules! Uh, it is so good to see you!
HERCULES
It's, uh, it's good to be seen.
IOLAUS
Hey, what do we do with this? It's got hind's
blood on it.
HERCULES
I've got an idea.
Rock on.
IOLAUS
So, that's the end of Callisto, right?
HERCULES
Hopefully, but she's the least of my worries.
The evil that was behind all this is still out there.
It will have to be dealt with.
IOLAUS
Yeah, but you're here to do that, right? I mean,
everything's gonna be okay, right? I mean, the
two of us together.
HERCULES
The two of us together?
IOLAUS
Yeah.
HERCULES
Yeah.
STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Kevin Sorbo as the Sovereign
Michael Hurst as Iolaus
GUEST CAST
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Hudson Lieck as Callisto
Kevin Smith as Ares
Amy Morrison as Hope
Kim Michalis as Young Alcmene
Matthew Chamberlain as Darphus
Lee-Jane Foreman as Arleia
Jim Mclarty as Pankos
Rebecca Kopacka as Young Callisto
Geoff Clendon as Oronis
John Dybvig as King Quallus
Alex Moffit as Beckarus
Mark Sinclair as Village Man
One-Legged Man as Marcel Kalma
Crawford Thomson as Ruffians
Slade Leef as Warrior
Patrick Hale as Kevin Sorbo's Double
Teleplay by: Gene O'Neill and Noreen Tobin
Story by: Paul Robert Coyle, Gene O'Neill and Noreen Tobin
Directed by: Mark Beesley
Disclaimer: Although Alcmene's barn was blown to smithereens, remarkably she and Iolaus were not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
