Surprise
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
Poor Callisto. Such rage unfulfilled.
CALLISTO
Who are you?
A fan. Your crusade against Xena was so vibrant.
Too bad it had to end unsatisfied. Look at you.
Hera? Afraid to show your ugly face?
Your irreverence endears you to me, like a pet.
CALLISTO
What do you want?
HERA (voice-over)
To see you smile again. I offer you another
chance to carry on your mission against Xena.
CALLISTO
I'm listening.
HERA (voice-over)
I'll give you one more day of life and a chance
at immortality. But if you fail, you're back here
forever.
CALLISTO
What do I have to do?
HERA (voice-over)
Kill my bastard stepson, the man who redeemed
your mortal enemy.
Nothing like the first day of spring, isn't there?
IOLAUS
Oh, what a beautiful day, sun shining, nature
blooming.
Hoh. Nature blooming. Come on, Hercules.
Cheer up. It's your birthday!
HERCULES
Don't remind me.
IOLAUS
What is your problem? You look great! For a man
of your age.
HERCULES
What are you talking about? You're older than
I am.
IOLAUS
Yeah, I know, but I'm--I'm smaller, you see, so
not as much surface area exposed to the elements.
FALAFEL
Hercules! Iolaus! Let me be the first to extend
my best wishes on this, your special day.
HERCULES
Thanks, Falafel.
FALAFEL
I made a delicious cake for the party. You like
chocolate, yes?
HERCULES
I love chocolate. What party?
IOLAUS
Ah, the other great big party. Falafel.
HERCULES
Iolaus?
FALAFEL
What's the matter? Iolaus, you don't look so good.
IOLAUS
Yeah, it was supposed to be a surprise.
FALAFEL
Oh, no. Oh, my sincerest apologies. I didn't know.
HERCULES
That's okay, neither did I.
FALAFEL
Yes, well. If you'll excuse me, I must go...stuff
a chicken.
HERCULES
Bye.
IOLAUS
Oh, come on, Herc. What's one more birthday
in a long line of birthdays?
HERCULES
You're very funny today.
IOLAUS
Listen, Alcmene wanted to have a little
celebration. I think it'd be great, you know? Um,
it'd cheer you up.
HERCULES
Look, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but ever
since Hera destroyed my family, I'm just not too
excited about celebrating birthdays anymore.
IOLAUS
Yeah, well, I understand, but, you know, you have
to realize, there are other people around, who
care for you, wanna celebrate with you. Iphicles,
your mother, me. Huh?
HERCULES
Okay.
IOLAUS
There you go! See? Smiling. Little lines crinkle
up around your eyes...yeah, I better go.
HERCULES
Yeah, you better.
IOLAUS
Oh, oh, so, remember, Alcmene's at noon, and,
uh, try to act surprised, okay?
HERCULES
I'll act surprised. (to himself) Wrinkles.
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You know Hercules isn't the easiest person to
shop for.
IPHICLES
Yeah, you know, he gave away the present I got
for him last year.
Thank you. Do you think he'll be surprised?
JASON
I'm sure he will.
IOLAUS
Yeah, well, I certainly haven't told anybody.
FALAFEL
I'll...get the food.
ALCMENE
I hope he likes his presents.
IPHICLES
Hey, don't worry about it, Mom. You've done a
great job.
JASON
Everything looks beautiful, darling.
Excuse me. I--I--I'm sorry to intrude, but I couldn't
find a guard to announce me.
IPHICLES
We're having a celebration. We sent 'em home
for the day. Who are you?
CALLISTO
I've come to pay my respects. Last year, my family
was attacked on the road to Macedonia. My
husband was killed. My child and I, we would
have surely died if Hercules hadn't come along.
IOLAUS
Wait, where'd you say this was?
CALLISTO
I'd heard it was his birthday. I just wanted to
leave a small gift.
ALCMENE
You poor dear. Come. Join us.
CALLISTO
Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of imposing.
ALCMENE
Oh please, you make yourself right at home.
Now, would you care for a drink?
CALLISTO
Yes, thanks.
FALAFEL
Ah, try one of these.
IOLAUS
Oh they look great.
FALAFEL
Thank you, my friend.
ALCMENE
You've outdone yourself.
More punch, anyone?
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Ah, hello? Is anybody here? (to himself) Act
surprised.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surprise.
ACT ONE
Mother! Mother! Can you hear me?
CALLISTO
My, my, looks like somebody spiked the punch.
Glad I don't drink. You've never witnessed the
effects of Xanthalian venom before, have you?
It affects the mind, makes the victims susceptible
to their wildest imaginings. By sunset, your friends
will be, um, driven mad. Well, that's if they
don't...kill each other first. There is an antidote.
But it's very rare.
HERCULES
What do you want?
CALLISTO
Safe passage through the Labyrinths of the
Gods to the Tree of Life. One bite of the fruit
cures any illness-
-or madness.
HERCULES
And a whole one makes you immortal.
We have so much to celebrate. Your birth and
my rebirth.
Oh, my name's Callisto.
HERCULES
Callisto; impossible. Callisto's dead.
CALLISTO
Hera was kind enough to grant me one day's
reprieve. You see, we need each other, Hercules.
I don't have the strength to defeat the labyrinth's
traps, and you won't find your way without me.
Nice pants.
HERCULES
You're insane.
CALLISTO
Just misunderstood. Shall we go, partner?
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After so little time together, it's funny, I feel like
I know you.
HERCULES
You don't.
CALLISTO
Fate's brought us together, although I have to
admit, you're not at all how I imagined you to be.
HERCULES
How disappointing.
CALLISTO
Oh not at all. On the contrary, I couldn't be more
pleased. That look, back in your castle? The fire
and the hate? I wonder, did you wear that same
look when you watched your children die?
HERCULES
Don't push me.
CALLISTO
Oh, but that's the beauty of it. I can. There's a
new and exciting side of you just waiting to come
out. I can feel it.
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Oh, what a party.
Iolaus, what happened?
IOLAUS
I don't know. Maybe it was the food.
FALAFEL
Hmm? Oh. I heard that!
ALCMENE
Jason?
JASON
Are you all right?
ALCMENE
Yes.
IOLAUS
Look.
What's going on here?!
IOLAUS
We've been drugged. Everybody all right?
ALCMENE
Where's Hercules?!
FALAFEL
Ah. Looks like he's been here.
Oh, yeah? Open his presents while we slept?
I don't think so.
ALCMENE
Who could've done this?!
IPHICLES
That woman! Where is she?!
ALCMENE
Something terrible has happened! I just know it!
JASON
Let's not jump to any conclusions. We'll search
the castle.
IPHICLES
I'll go with Mother.
ALCMENE
Uh-huh.
JASON
Iolaus and I will take the west wing.
IOLAUS
Yeah.
FALAFEL
Wh--wh--what about me?!
IOLAUS
You stay here, in case Hercules gets back.
FALAFEL
By myself?!
IOLAUS
If anything happens...yell.
FALAFEL
Yell?! Wonderful! Big help!
Worms!
La-la la-la-la.
Cut it out!
Oh, now, now, Hercules, just because I poisoned
your friends doesn't mean we can't be nice to
one another.
HERCULES
Amazing.
CALLISTO
You have no reason to be angry at me,
Hercules. After all, I'm not the one that hung the
giant bull's-eye on your family.
HERCULES
You leave my family out of this.
CALLISTO
Oh, but think about it. I mean, well, if your children
weren't your children, well, then they'd still be
alive now, wouldn't they? Your love...it's a curse.
HERCULES
And, what's the alternative? Be like you? Alone,
trapped in your hate? Uh, I'd rather take my
chances.
CALLISTO
Tell me, Hercules, late at night, in the dark all
alone, do you, uh, do you hear your children
screaming? Do you lie awake at night, wondering
if there was something else you could've done,
maybe if you had gotten there a little sooner,
been a little bit more respectful to Hera.
HERCULES
Drop it! I wouldn't expect someone like you to
understand.
CALLISTO
Oh, but I do understand. My family was slaughtered
like helpless animals as well!
HERCULES
You didn't learn much from it, did you?
CALLISTO
I learned to get exactly what I want when I want
it! And you realize, Hercules, the only reason
your friends are still alive, is because I have
allowed it!
HERCULES
And I suppose I owe you thanks?
CALLISTO
Oh, no. You owe me awe.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is my fault. I should never have let that
stranger in.
IPHICLES
Hercules is a big boy. He can take care of himself.
ALCMENE
I know you're right. I just so wanted this to be a
special day for him.
IPHICLES
Oh-hoh, I bet you did. After all, he is Corinth's
most famous son. You know what? Maybe I'll
declare a holiday in his name. That make you
feel better?
ALCMENE
Why are you talking like this?
IPHICLES
Because he has brought nothing but trouble
to my kingdom.
ALCMENE
How can you say that?! He's your brother?
IPHICLES
Oh yeah, we're one big happy family! Tell me
something, Mother. Who insures your safety,
every single day, hmm? And where is Hercules
through all this? He graces us with his presence
when he's not too busy saving the world.
ALCMENE
Iphicles, you're--you're not yourself.
IPHICLES
Wrong! I'm just not who you want me to
be! You think Hercules should've been king.
Well, there can only be one king! And nobody,
but nobody, is gonna change that! Not
even you. I'm surrounded by infidels!
Mother, it's going to be all right.
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Oh, it's beautiful. Huh, well? An open door is like
a friendly invitation.
You were saying.
EXTRA
All who seek passage must first answer my
riddle. Fail and you will die.
HERCULES
Care to be first?
EXTRA
Give a name to this earthly conceit. It is
unchangeable, but it can change you. It can teach
you or trap you. All who reside there are immortal,
but you can never go there.
CALLISTO
I hope you're as smart as you are strong.
EXTRA
The answer lies before your eyes. Choose your
words before the sands run their course.
CALLISTO
"It's unchangeable."
HERCULES
"All who reside in it are immortal."
CALLISTO
It's Mount Olympus!
It's not a place, that's the trick.
CALLISTO
Yeah, well, I don't see you coming up with
anything.
HERCULES
Well, if you'd be quiet, maybe I can think.
CALLISTO
Well, I won't be holding my breath for that now,
will I? Oh, we're running out of time!
HERCULES
Maybe, that's it.
CALLISTO
Oh, yes, of course, it's time!
Well, that didn't work. Any more brilliant ideas?!
Well, answer!
ACT TWO
"The answer lies before your eyes." Time is
running out. The past!
Huh.
HERCULES
After you.
Hercules?
I've come to say good-bye.
ALCMENE
Good-bye?
HERCULES ILLUSION
I've crossed over to the other side.
ALCMENE
It's all my fault. I should have protected you.
HERCULES ILLUSION
It's too late for that, now.
ALCMENE
No, this, this can't be.
HERCULES ILLUSION
I never wanted to be a hero, Mother, but you
didn't give me any choice. There was no other
way for this to end.
ALCMENE
Hercules, please forgive me.
HERCULES ILLUSION
Perhaps. In time. Good-bye.
ALCMENE
Wait, let me come with you. Please.
HERCULES ILLUSION
I was hoping you'd say that.
Ah there's an oil pouch. We'll use it to keep the
lamp lit.
CALLISTO
Poor baby, afraid of the dark?
HERCULES
You don't look like you're doing too well.
CALLISTO
Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about
me. I'll be as good as new, soon enough. In the
meantime, a little water should do the trick.
Here.
Such a gentleman.
HERCULES
Yeah.
CALLISTO
The world doesn't deserve you.
HERCULES
It doesn't deserve you, either.
We're not as different as you like to think.
HERCULES
Oh, really?
CALLISTO
We both believe the wicked should be punished
only I see something you don't.
HERCULES
Yeah, I'm sure you'll let me know what it is,
won't you?
CALLISTO
All people are wicked, and they deserve
everything they're gonna get.
HERCULES
I've known too much good in the world to believe
that.
CALLISTO
Good? Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?
If mortals were good, well then we wouldn't need
you around, would we?
HERCULES
I've seen the darkest side of people. A child who
watched her parents die has my compassion.
But you had a choice. You chose evil. That's
where my compassion ends.
Your faith in the world is touching! Let's
see how well it holds up at the end of the day,
shall we?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anything?
IOLAUS
No. Not a sign of him.
JASON
Now, what?
IOLAUS
Ah, it's hotter'n Tartarus in here. You know, I--I
gotta bad feeling about this. Let's go back.
JASON
Wait--wait--wait. What's wrong?
IOLAUS
You ever get a feeling that life is just ebbing away?
Kinda getting out of step with things and there's
nothing you can do about it?
JASON
Did you hear that?
IOLAUS
What? I don't hear anything, what?
JASON
Sh-sh! There it is again.
IOLAUS
I can't hear anything.
JASON
I'll be right back.
IOLAUS
Jason? Ja--Jason, wait. Jason! Where are you?!
Ah-hah! Ah, King Iphicles! Just in time. Uh, would
you be so kind as to hand me that bowl of turnips?
IPHICLES
What are you talking about?! There's nothing there!
FALAFEL
Are you blind? I'll get it myself. So little time! So
much to cook!
Hot stuff. Watch the tongue.
IPHICLES
I'm warning you!
FALAFEL
Be honest! You won't hurt my feelings. I want
everything to be perfect when Hercules arrives.
It's his birthday, you know. A surprise. Not a
word to anyone.
IPHICLES
Traitor!
What did you do that for?!
Huh?
King Iphicles? He didn't like my stew.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're not living up to my expectations. I imagined
you'd spend the day trying to convince me that I
can change like our beloved Xena.
HERCULES
Xena changed because she wanted to.
CALLISTO
Did she, now? You know, she watched me die.
It's ironic you know? I mean, not long ago, you
would've joined me in bringing her down.
HERCULES
Wrong. Our definitions of justice aren't the same.
CALLISTO
Oh, true. That's very true. I believe that she deserves
to die a very slow and painful death.
HERCULES
Vengeance isn't justice. If you understood that,
maybe you'd find peace.
CALLISTO
Peace? Peace? I dreamed of peace. I
imagined it. Let me die so I can find it. Tartarus
should've been a welcome change. Instead, I
learned the true meaning of torture, trapped in
my hatred with nothing to do.
HERCULES
Lady, immortality won't solve your problem.
Jason, where'd you go? Jason? Jason. Jason!
Jason!
Hello.
EXTRA
We've been waiting for you, Iolaus.
EXTRA
We can't resist your charms.
EXTRA
We can't resist you.
EXTRA
Don't leave us waiting.
EXTRA
Iolaus.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't tell me we're lost.
CALLISTO
I can't seem to...left or right. So many details.
I know I should've written it down.
HERCULES
Great.
CALLISTO
Oh, no, no, it's left.
Hercules!
HERCULES
I guess it was right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looks like I'm in a real bind.
HERCULES
Callisto!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm right here!
HERCULES
Callisto! Keep talking!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's what I'm trying to do!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm over here! Hercules!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hurry!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your friends-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-if I die, they die!
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Hercules! Hercules! Hurry!
Callisto, hold on!
Grab on!
Oh, my hero.
HERCULES
Yeah, right.
Come this way, Iolaus. Catch me if you can.
IOLAUS
Hey!
Jason.
Well come on baby, just one more for old times'
sake?
You're--you're me?
No!
Come here, handsome. Let me take a look at
that pretty young face of mine.
What's going on? Jason! Jason!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where are you?
I think the first thing I'm gonna do is find the
good Xena, rip out her tongue, just to hear her
whistle an apology.
HERCULES
I hate to spoil your fantasy, but you're not out of
here yet.
CALLISTO
Oh, but neither are you.
HERCULES
When we make it to the Tree of Life, and when
I save my family and friends, you are going back
to where you belong. I'll see to that myself.
CALLISTO
Enough! No rooms can hold me. Haven't you
figured that out, yet? And you're the only one that
can stop me, and to do that, you'd have to kill me.
But you can't. Your misguided sense of justice
won't allow it.
HERCULES
You're overlooking something.
CALLISTO
Oh, am I?
HERCULES
You've already been killed. The only reason you're
still standing is because I need directions.
CALLISTO
I've underestimated you.
HERCULES
I'm flattered.
CALLISTO
Fortunately, you've overlooked something as well.
HERCULES
I don't think so.
CALLISTO
If I go back to the Underworld, I won't be suffering
alone. I'll find your children. Clonus, Aison, and
little Ileia, is it? And I'll dedicate eternity to making
them suffer. I mean, after all, I got here, didn't I?
I can get to them.
That's it. That's the spirit. Kill me. I dare you.
Who's trapped in their hatred, now?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thought you could sneak up on me, did you?
I'm going to kill you. I'm gonna kill you!
We're almost at the other side, Mother.
ALCMENE
But, Jason and Iphicles.
HERCULES ILLUSION
They'll be joining us soon. Then we'll all be
together again.
ALCMENE
Yes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't tell me you're confused again.
CALLISTO
Oh, no, I'm--I'm quite certain it's this way.
Oh, um, I lied. Lovely detail. Hephaestus is quite
the craftsman. Hera! Hercules delivered, as
promised. I fulfilled my end of the bargain. It's
your turn.
It's not over, yet!
CALLISTO
Hercules, I have enjoyed our little time together,
but you know, I think I can take it from here.
Are we having fun yet? Oh, look at the bright
side. You'll be meeting up with your friends soon
enough. Oh, and this, this is for Xena.
Good-bye, Hercules.
ACT FOUR
Delicious.
Oh, you're gonna die on your birthday. How
convenient.
No!
CALLISTO
Blow it out and make a wish.
A pity we couldn't work out our differences. We
would've made an unstoppable team.
I already have a partner.
CALLISTO
Not for long.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't you just die like a good boy?
HERCULES
I guess I don't know when to quit.
CALLISTO
Well, let me inspire you. Even if you could find
your way without me, you won't make it in time
to save your friends.
HERCULES
That's where you're wrong. I know something
you don't.
Oh?
We're out of oil.
That leads right back to the entrance. Surprise!
Oh, don't--don't leave! Please, don't leave. I
can't see!
HERCULES
Here, give me your hand!
No! No!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Must find meat.
Falafel!
Come on! Give me a hand! Get this off!
FALAFEL
Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.
IPHICLES
Falafel, what are you doing?!
My turn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is it, Mother. Right up here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason, don't.
Hercules?
IOLAUS
Hercules?
HERCULES
Don't talk with your mouth full.
You'll thank me later.
Give me that.
Here. You seen my mother?
IOLAUS
No, we haven't seen her.
Give them each a bite.
IOLAUS
Why?
HERCULES
Trust me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One more step, and we'll be together forever.
I'm coming, Hercules. I love you.
I love you too, Mother.
ALCMENE
(to Hercules Illusion) What kind of trick is this?
He--he looks like you.
HERCULES
Mother, I'm right here.
ALCMENE
No. My son is dead.
I'm not.
Oh, Mother.
ALCMENE
Hercules? Does this mean I'm not going to the
Underworld?
HERCULES
Uh...no. Not yet. Uh, here, I--I brought something
for you.
Oh, for me?
HERCULES
Yeah.
ALCMENE
You shouldn't have.
Oh, Hercules, now where have you been? I've
been worried sick.
HERCULES
Mother, it has been a very, very long day. I'll tell
you about it later. Let's go find the others, okay?
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Hey, hey! I'm sorry you missed your birthday!
JASON
Well, the day's not over, yet.
FALAFEL
We still have cake.
IOLAUS
Yeah, and you gotta open all your presents yet.
ALCMENE
Oh, that reminds me. There was a--a woman
here earlier. Poor thing. She wanted to leave
you a gift.
HERCULES
Well, she did. She made me appreciate my
family more than ever.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Michael Hurst as Iolaus
GUEST CAST
Hudson Lieck as Callisto
Kevin Smith as Iphicles
Jeffrey Thomas as Jason
Liddy Holloway as Alcmene
Paul Norell as Falafel
Joy Watson as Hera
Written by: Alex Kurtzman
Directed by: Oley Sassone
Disclaimer: Herc's party pants were not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
