The Warrior Princess
Sure is a beauty.
HERCULES
It's all yours, Iolaus.
IOLAUS
What are you talking about? We both worked
on it.
HERCULES
I'll get the next one we make. How's that sound?
IOLAUS
Well, to tell you the truth...it's the best idea you
ever had.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was...pretty good.
IOLAUS
Thanks. You know, all it takes is a little practice,
nerves of steel, and a knife so perfectly forged...
What in the name of Hades do you think you're
doing?
IOLAUS
Syreena?
SYREENA
Iolaus? Did you do that?
IOLAUS
Yeah, I was, uh, practicing with my new knife.
Hercules and I-
SYREENA
This is my house.
IOLAUS
Your house? I thought it was abandoned.
SYREENA
We moved in yesterday.
IOLAUS
"We"?
SYREENA
You haven't heard? I'm married now.
IOLAUS
Oh, great. Who's the lucky guy?
SYREENA
Tremulous.
Syreena, are you gonna help me or not?
SYREENA
I gotta go. He's so cute when he needs me. Bye,
Iolaus. Just, take it easy on my house, okay?
Maybe I should use this knife to slit my wrists.
HERCULES
Come on. Haven't you heard the old saying?
There's plenty of fish in the sea.
IOLAUS
Yeah.
HERCULES
Somewhere, the perfect woman is waiting for you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good work.
EXTRA
I've got it.
EXTRA
There we go.
EXTRA
Sure.
EXTRA
He does fly. Look at that.
There she is. That's her. Let's go. Let's do it.
You can do better than that!
EXTRA
Yeah!
EXTRA
Let's get her!
EXTRA
I'll take her.
Pathetic! If you can't learn to fight better than that,
then you're never gonna defeat Hercules...and
I want him dead.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Hercules. Hercules, you're working too hard.
HERCULES
Mother, I've got to do something to make up for
never being around here.
ALCMENE
Well, how about stopping long enough for a
picnic? I'd rather have your company than this
wall you want to build.
HERCULES
Well, what if I give you both?
ALCMENE
Oh, you certainly know how to make your mother
happy. I really do think you spend too much time
worrying about me. I mean the wall-
HERCULES
If it keeps you from being hurt or robbed just
once, it's worth every drop of sweat I put into it.
ALCMENE
I still don't think the world is that bad a place,
Hercules. Besides, Iolaus looks in on me
whenever he can.
HERCULES
Well, he is a good man.
ALCMENE
But a lonely one, I'm afraid.
HERCULES
Hmm, you see it too?
ALCMENE
It's his eyes that touch my heart. There's no joy
in them.
HERCULES
So you think he needs a woman in his life?
ALCMENE
Do you disagree?
HERCULES
With you? No, I'm too smart for that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I won't be far away, Xena.
XENA
Do you doubt that I can take care of myself?
THEODORUS
No, of course not. But what if-
XENA
You'll know when I need you Theodorus. I don't
want to see you before then.
THEODORUS
Very well.
(to the horse) There, there, it's not so bad. You'll
be okay.
IOLAUS
Need any help?
XENA
Stay away.
IOLAUS
Hey, take it easy.
Give me a reason to.
IOLAUS
Come on. Do I look dangerous?
XENA
Looks can be very deceiving.
IOLAUS
If you want to stay here and threaten every good
Samaritan who comes along, be my guest. But
I'll be glad to help you get to the village.
XENA
Are you sure that's what you really want to do?
IOLAUS
Put down the knife and I'll be glad to.
XENA
Oh.
Sorry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will.
EXTRA
Get this!
What's the matter Hercules? Running out of
monsters to slay?
HERCULES
Not if my mother's wall counts.
VILLAGER
Is it tougher than the Nemean Lion?
HERCULES
Well, the blisters on my hands say it is.
(to bartender) Yeah, thanks a lot.
All right. Here you go. Say, how about a toast to
fate for bringing us together, huh?
HERCULES
Excuse me.
Uh-huh, look what the cat dragged in.
HERCULES
I thought you were gonna help me with my
mother's wall today?
IOLAUS
Oh, yeah.
HERCULES
Uh-huh?
IOLAUS
I'm sorry. I forgot. Something came up.
HERCULES
I'm sure it did.
XENA
I'm Xena.
HERCULES
Hello, Xena. I'm-
IOLAUS
This is my best friend in all the world, that's who
he is.
XENA
But does he have a name?
IOLAUS
What? Oh, yeah, yeah. This is Hercules.
XENA
Is everyone you know so famous?
IOLAUS
Famous? Him? What are you talking about?
XENA
Iolaus, you're such a comedian.
HERCULES
He certainly is. Until it's time to get down to
business and then I wouldn't want anyone else
on my side.
XENA
I had a feeling he was like that. My horse had
gone lame out in the countryside when Iolaus
found me and he made sure I got here without
anyone else bothering me.
HERCULES
Uh-huh. He never lets you down.
XENA
I'll have to remember that.
HERCULES
Don't worry, he won't let you forget.
IOLAUS
Hey.
HERCULES
So, uh, if he is gonna talk about himself all
night, should we do it over a nice dinner? Are
you interested?
IOLAUS
Yeah.
XENA
Oh, I think I'd be better off trying to look for a soft,
warm bed. (to Iolaus) Think you could help me
one last time?
IOLAUS
Well, yeah, uh, I think that can be arranged.
(to Hercules) See ya.
HERCULES
Uh-huh.
The last time I saw him, he was walking out of
the inn with a big dumb smile on his face. That
was a week ago. What's he doing anyway?
ALCMENE
Hercules, you fathered three children. You
shouldn't have to ask.
HERCULES
Mother, that's not what I'm talking about. It's just
that I don't get to see much of Iolaus except when
we're in life-and-death situations. I was hoping
we could do something more normal this time.
You know, like, I don't know, hunt, fish, whatever, talk.
ALCMENE
I know how much you enjoy spending time with
Iolaus, but where love and humans are involved,
you never know what to expect.
HERCULES
But, Iolaus doesn't know anything about this
Xena. I mean, what if she's got a jealous husband?
ALCMENE
What if she's the best possible cure for his
loneliness? I think, until you find out otherwise,
you should just be happy for him.
HERCULES
Okay, okay. You're right...again. I'll just be here
filling the wall, by myself.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's wrong?
XENA
I don't want you to fall in love with me.
IOLAUS
It may be too late. Have you thought about that?
XENA
I was hoping I'd be the only one to go away from
this with a broken heart.
IOLAUS
You don't have to go away. I want you here.
XENA
I know you do, and I'd stay, if it didn't mean I
was letting somebody else down.
IOLAUS
You never spoke about another man.
XENA
Not one man, many of them. And women and
children, too. They're under siege by a warlord
named Petrakus. He's trying to drive them out
of the Arcadian Highlands. I'm building an army
to defend them.
IOLAUS
That's why you were traveling with so many
weapons. You're a warrior.
XENA
I used to think I was, but now I know that no
matter how hard I fight, I can't beat Petrakus by
myself. I need help.
IOLAUS
You came to get Hercules, didn't you?
XENA
Yes, but I found you.
IOLAUS
Then I should be the one you ask for help.
XENA
I can't do that.
IOLAUS
Why? 'Cause Hercules is better than me, is that
it? He's the warrior and I'm some meaningless
jester?
XENA
No, it's because it wouldn't turn my life upside
down if he got hurt, or even killed. But if something
happened to you-
IOLAUS
Nothing is gonna happen to me.
XENA
You're not gonna take "No" for an answer, are you?
IOLAUS
No. I'm afraid you're stuck with me.
XENA
I like it like that.
Enough.
THEODORUS
But it's been so long.
XENA
Better to go without than to have to share a bed
with Hercules' best friend.
THEODORUS
I'll kill any man who touches you.
XENA
No, Theodorus. Kill Hercules.
THEODORUS
You'd let me have that honour?
XENA
If you think you're worthy.
THEODORUS
You know I am.
XENA
Then take this.
It'll make you strong in battle and return you
safely back to me.
THEODORUS
Xena-
Go. Make me proud.
THEODORUS
I will. I swear it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, looking good.
HERCULES
I wish it was looking finished. Where are you going?
XENA
We're going to rid my people of the warlord Petrakus.
HERCULES
I've never heard of him.
IOLAUS
Well, from what Xena says, you and the whole
world will if he isn't stopped in Arcadia.
HERCULES
Is there anything I can do?
XENA
No.
HERCULES
I'm just offering my help.
XENA
Iolaus is all the help I need.
HERCULES
Well, you know how I feel about him. He's the best.
XENA
That's why he's with me.
Yah!
If it turns out that you do need me, I'll be there
for you.
IOLAUS
Yeah, I know you will. But uh, listen, I don't want
you to get the wrong idea about Xena. She's
worth whatever risk it takes.
HERCULES
Then you're lucky she's in your life.
XENA
Come on, Iolaus!
IOLAUS
Come on. Come on. Yah!
Good luck, my friend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, a true warrior attacks from the front.
THEODORUS
My commander says you attack from whatever
side suits your purpose.
HERCULES
So, he's a coward too.
Uh, you better try something else.
With pleasure.
Me and my big mouth.
Enjoy this while you can.
THEODORUS
I'm still enjoying it, Hercules. Disappointed?
HERCULES
As a matter of fact, yes.
Why did you attack me?
THEODORUS
Love.
HERCULES
Whose love?
THEODORUS
(to himself) Xena...I'm sorry I failed you.
Xena?
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
I don't understand why you think it's her. There
must be lots of other Xenas in the world.
HERCULES
I'd agree with you if the warrior who attacked me
hadn't been wearing Xena's medallion.
ALCMENE
That still doesn't explain him trying to kill you,
Hercules.
HERCULES
He loved her and he wanted to prove it.
ALCMENE
Are you sure that's why he died?
HERCULES
He didn't just die, Mother. Xena sent him on a
suicide mission.
ALCMENE
But there's no reason for that.
HERCULES
Yes, there is. He was the bait. Now Xena expects
me to go after Iolaus and walk right into whatever
trap she's laying.
ALCMENE
And that's what you're going to do, isn't it?
HERCULES
I have to.
ALCMENE
Iolaus will think you're coming to steal his glory.
This woman will make sure of that. You'll destroy
your friendship with Iolaus.
HERCULES
Saving his life is more important.
ALCMENE
Promise me you'll come back in one piece?
HERCULES
In one piece. And with Iolaus.
In case you're still wondering, I really would
rather go into battle with you.
IOLAUS
You don't have to make me feel good.
XENA
You don't have to treat me like I'm a hypocrite.
Believe it or not, I don't give a fig for Hercules
or his reputation.
IOLAUS
Then you're the only one, Xena.
XENA
Maybe you and the rest of his adoring legions
should take a closer look at him. What's Hercules
really fighting for? Go ahead, Iolaus, tell me.
IOLAUS
He fights to help people. I thought everybody
knew that. He wants to stop slavery and injustice.
XENA
No, stop. You're a grown man. You're an honoured
warrior and yet you're still taken in by the same
lies that school children cling to.
IOLAUS
They're not lies. I've seen the good that Hercules
can do. I've been there with him.
XENA
Then you should know better than anybody that
all Hercules is fighting for is to prove that he
can succeed without Zeus, and to get revenge
on Hera for killing his family. He's selfish, Iolaus.
He's selfish right to the bone.
IOLAUS
I don't need to hear this.
XENA
And I don't need to hear that Hercules should
be here instead of you. Fact is, I think you're a
better man that he will ever be...or...
(to horse) Come on.
This is beautiful country. I can see why you're
fighting to keep it.
XENA
You're gonna do more than see. There.
They're part of Petrakus' legion.
IOLAUS
What do you want to do?
XENA
I want to wipe them off the face of the earth.
Yah! Yah!
I can't sit this one out.
It's that murdering warrior, Xena.
Watch out!
Xena.
EXTRA
Let's go.
EXTRA
Quickly!
Is this the best you've got? Ha! Bring it on!
Boy, you know how to show a guy a good time.
XENA
Don't talk. Fight.
IOLAUS
Okay.
Don't let him get away!
IOLAUS
Ah, it's over, Xena. Let him go.
XENA
What do you think you're doing?
No. We won. He's not coming back.
XENA
Yeah, I guess not.
IOLAUS
You were great. No, better than that, you were
amazing.
XENA
You don't have to say that.
IOLAUS
But it's true. The only warrior I've seen who is
as magnificent as you are, is Hercules.
XENA
I'm honoured.
IOLAUS
You deserve to be.
XENA
Well if you mean that, you won't try to stop me
burning the wagon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's it, swing harder. No, no, drive forward
when you strike. Watch this, come in low.
EXTRA
It's Xena!
EXTRA
They're back.
EXTRA
We were worried.
XENA
Give us some room.
EXTRA
We thought something had happened.
XENA
Act like warriors.
EXTRA
Are you all right?
EXTRA
What's going on.
Who's this?
XENA
This is the man who gives us the power to
defeat Petrakus.
IOLAUS
I'm Iolaus.
He's Hercules' best friend, Estrogon. I've never
seen a man better with a sword. I want you to
show me that move you used when you knocked
the sword out of that soldier's hand.
IOLAUS
Even though I didn't kill him with it?
XENA
I can fix that. So can you. (to all) You've all got
things to do. We'll never defeat Petrakus
if you just stand around.
EXTRA
All right, back to work.
XENA
(to Iolaus) As for you, come with me.
EXTRA
Ready?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wasn't expecting this from somebody whose
warriors treat her like a hero.
XENA
You deserve what you get, I deserve what I get.
IOLAUS
I'm not gonna argue with you. I saw the way you
handled yourself in that fight.
XENA
Did I impress you?
IOLAUS
Well, when a woman asks me for help, I don't
expect her to be so-
XENA
Independent? Violent?
IOLAUS
Yeah. And fearless, too.
XENA
Hard times breed hard people, Iolaus. There's
no avoiding that. My father was killed in battle,
and so were all three of my brothers. I won't be.
IOLAUS
I admire your goal. But somewhere out there,
there's a warlord who waits for an ocean of blood
to keep you from achieving it. If not Petrakus,
then the next one who comes along.
XENA
You sound like you're worried about me.
IOLAUS
Well, I am. It's not every day I meet a beautiful
woman that wants to wash my back.
XENA
Oh, I will do more for you than that, Iolaus.
Much more.
You do this for all your warriors?
XENA
Only special ones.
IOLAUS
Oh. I hope there aren't too many of those.
XENA
Right now, there's just you.
Come back later!
EXTRA
But Hercules is here.
IOLAUS
Hercules?
XENA
He must have followed us.
IOLAUS
Why would he do that?
XENA
Perhaps he doesn't trust me with you.
IOLAUS
He shouldn't.
Or maybe he doesn't think you're man enough
to help me.
IOLAUS
I better go see what he wants.
You're a long way from home, Hercules.
Hello, Iolaus.
IOLAUS
I didn't expect to see you here, Hercules.
HERCULES
I didn't expect to come.
IOLAUS
Well, you didn't have to. I thought we agreed
on that.
HERCULES
Well, that was before your warrior princess
sent someone to kill me.
IOLAUS
I don't like the way you're talking about a brave
woman.
Since when is there anything brave about sneak
attacks or the people behind them?
IOLAUS
I think you better turn around and go home
now, Hercules.
HERCULES
I was hoping you'd go with me.
IOLAUS
No.
Even though she wants me dead?
IOLAUS
Where's your proof?
HERCULES
My words should be enough for you.
IOLAUS
It isn't.
HERCULES
I guess that means friendship doesn't count?
IOLAUS
Not when you poison it by coming here.
HERCULES
Iolaus, what are you talking about? You've got
it all wrong.
IOLAUS
Just get out of here, Hercules. We're through
talking.
HERCULES
Why? Are you afraid of what you'll hear?
IOLAUS
Get out of here!
HERCULES
You haven't answered my question.
I think you lost this.
Goodbye, Iolaus.
ACT THREE
It's him, I tell you. I can tell from behind. Why
don't you go ask him. Go on, what are you afraid
of? Ask him.
DRINKER # 2
Have you taken care of her yet?
HERCULES
I don't know who you're talking about.
DRINKER # 2
Xena, the Warrior Princess, who else?
DRINKER # 1
She just wants to write her name across history
in big bloody letters. She won't rest until she's
wiped out everybody and everything that's stopping
her from conquering Arcadia.
DRINKER # 2
If we don't give her all our crops and our wares,
she kills every man in sight.
DRINKER # 1
We're ordinary people, farmers and mill hands,
not warriors. You have to help us, Hercules.
DRINKER # 2
Come on, what do you say?
EXTRA
Please, Hercules.
EXTRA
Help us, Hercules. Don't go.
EXTRA
We need your help.
HERCULES
I'm sorry.
EXTRA
Stay, Hercules.
HERCULES
I just don't have the strength right now. Excuse me.
EXTRA
Don't desert us, Hercules.
Hercules, wait!
HERCULES
Look, there's nothing more to talk about.
PETRAKUS
Oh, yes there is. Why don't we start with whatever
it is you lost? You want to tell me what it was?
HERCULES
It wasn't a what, it was a who. Best friend I ever
had. Xena got him to fall in love with her and
now she's turned him against me.
PETRAKUS
If your friend took the trouble to look into her past,
he'd know that she was using him to get you here.
Once she has your head hanging on her wall,
she doesn't expect anybody to stand in her way.
HERCULES
Well, somebody else will have to be her trophy.
I'm going home.
PETRAKUS
I see.
A night's rest would do you good. I--I could put
you up at my place, if you like.
HERCULES
You sure it's no trouble?
PETRAKUS
If it was, I wouldn't have invited you. The name's
Petrakus.
HERCULES
The warlord?
Take a closer look at me, son. Do I look like a
warlord to you?
HERCULES
No, you don't.
PETRAKUS
No, of course not. I'm a farmer and an old one
at that. Xena doesn't care anything for the truth
when she's trying to get someone into her clutches.
She takes my name and applies it to some
imaginary madman who rose from Hades robbing
shrines and murdering innocent people.
HERCULES
It sounds like she'll do anything to get what
she wants.
PETRAKUS
And she wants everything. And if she kills you,
there'll be nothing to stop her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If he was really your friend, he wouldn't have
come here and tried to interfere.
IOLAUS
Well I guess you're right, Xena. It's just -- I've
never been on a different side to Hercules before.
XENA
You didn't let that stop you from standing up to
him. You were a true warrior.
IOLAUS
If I was anything less, you wouldn't want me here.
XENA
You've turned out to be everything I thought
Hercules would be. But Hercules...I can be
fierce and violent, Iolaus, you've seen that for
yourself. But to hear Hercules say what he said,
it was like having a dagger plunged through
my heart.
IOLAUS
I've ended my friendship with him.
XENA
Then you must be in pain, too.
IOLAUS
Not as long as I'm with you.
XENA
Come to bed when you're finished with your
sword. I'll be waiting.
He turns into a whimpering dog every time I
mention Hercules.
ESTROGON
Then he must die.
XENA
Not by your hand, Estrogon. And not by
mine. It's Hercules who must kill him.
ESTROGON
But Hercules is gone.
XENA
Then it's our job to bring him back. That is, if you
think you're brave enough to ride with me.
ESTROGON
You know I am. But, your strategy, I-
XENA
A true warrior would understand that you
demoralize and weaken before you destroy. When
Hercules realizes that he's killed his best friend,
he'll be ripe for slaughter.
ESTROGON
When do we go after him?
XENA
At dawn.
And until then?
XENA
Save your strength.
The most painful thing a parent can do is bury
a child. My only son lies in that grave. He was
barely twenty when he died at the hands of a
Spartan. But it was really Xena who killed him.
HERCULES
You mean he fell into the same trap my friend
is in?
PETRAKUS
I warned him. Begged, pleaded, argued.
I even ran down the road after him the day he
road off, begging him. The one thing I didn't do
was give up.
HERCULES
Is that what you think I'm doing, Petrakus,
giving up?
PETRAKUS
You tell me.
HERCULES
Your son was a very young man. Iolaus is an
adult, capable of living his own life, making his
own decisions.
PETRAKUS
And it's all right if those decisions kill him?
HERCULES
You know it's not.
PETRAKUS
Then why are you letting him stay with that
murdering harlot? She's a monster, just
like the Hydra and the Nemean Lion and the
Stymphalian Bird. You didn't walk away from
fighting them, Hercules, and you can't walk
away from fighting her.
HERCULES
You're right. I can't. Thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena?
XENA
All right, Estrogon. Let's mount up. Open the
gates!
Yah!
XENA
Yah! Yah!
There he is.
XENA
Shh, get back.
Who's there?
If you don't show your face, I'm coming in there
after you.
That won't be necessary.
HERCULES
Did your Warrior Princess have a previous
engagement?
ESTROGON
Even the mighty Hercules should show more
respect than that.
HERCULES
For what? A murderer? A crazy woman whose
only purpose in life is to kill and conquer?
ESTROGON
You're dead.
HERCULES
Not yet.
No more.
What did you say?
ESTROGON
I said I surrender. Please don't kill me.
I'm not going to kill you. Stand up.
ESTROGON
What are you gonna do to me?
XENA
Estrogon!
Is this what you do to all your warriors, Xena?!
XENA
Only those who don't follow my code.
It's Xena! What's happened to her?
EXTRA
Are you all right?
Xena, what happened?
XENA
He killed Estrogon and he tried to kill me.
IOLAUS
Who did?
XENA
Hercules.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
He caught us by surprise, Iolaus. I thought I
was going to die.
IOLAUS
Ambushing people, attacking women. That's
not the Hercules I know. He must have gone
crazy or something.
XENA
You'd know that he had if you saw what he did
to Estrogon.
IOLAUS
Estrogon shouldn't have been there with you.
I should have.
XENA
But then, Hercules would have killed you.
IOLAUS
You expect me to run away?
XENA
Other men would.
IOLAUS
Other men couldn't love you the way I do.
XENA
Do you mean that? Can you really put me in
your life before Hercules?
IOLAUS
I did once. I'm not gonna back down, Xena.
XENA
But this time is different. You've got to know that.
IOLAUS
Yeah, I know. If Hercules comes for you, I may
have to...kill him.
XENA
Can you do that?
IOLAUS
Only for you.
XENA
Iolaus, I know you can defeat Hercules. I know
it in my soul. You know the way Hercules fights.
You know all his moves.
You know all of his tricks.
You know all of his weaknesses.
The only one to do battle with Hercules-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-when he arrives is Iolaus, do you understand?
I don't care how quickly my little man dies, and
I don't care how painfully he does it, no one is
to be out there until Iolaus is dead and Hercules
is standing, staggered by the weight of what he's
done to his best friend. Then, and only then, do
we move in to rid the world of the Son of Zeus.
Do I make myself clear?
Good. And not a word about this to Iolaus. If he
knew what a sacrifice he was going to make,
he might have second thoughts.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's here.
I can't believe you'd show your face here.
HERCULES
Stay out of this, Iolaus. My fight's with Xena,
not you.
Don't push me aside! You're the one that attacked
Xena and killed the warrior with her.
HERCULES
Is that what she told you?
IOLAUS
Get a weapon, Hercules.
HERCULES
She's using you to get to me.
IOLAUS
Quit talking and get a weapon! I'm giving you the
chance you never gave Xena.
HERCULES
And what if I don't want it?
IOLAUS
You don't get off that easy.
What are you doing?!
IOLAUS
Come on!
Fight, damn it! Quit acting like you're too good
for me!
HERCULES
I have never been too good for you! I'm just
trying to stay alive long enough for you to come
to your senses!
Yes. Kill him, Iolaus.
HERCULES
Xena, keep your goons out of this!
Are you going to use it?
IOLAUS
No. This knife wasn't meant to draw your blood.
Come on, let's get it over with.
HERCULES
I'm not going to kill you.
IOLAUS
I was gonna kill you.
HERCULES
Were you?
XENA
Get them.
EXTRA
I got them.
HERCULES
We'll talk about this later.
IOLAUS
Sure.
XENA
I want them both dead.
Hercules, behind you!
Let's get out of here!
Hercules! Hercules!
EXTRA
Let's go! Let's get out of here!
Aren't you even gonna say goodbye?
XENA
Ha! You haven't heard the last of me, Hercules!
Yah!
You know, you could have caught her if you
hadn't saved me.
HERCULES
You're a little more important than she is.
IOLAUS
I don't know which hurts worse, my head or
knowing how stupid I was.
HERCULES
It always helps to know what you're fighting for
before you start fighting.
IOLAUS
Is this where the lecture starts?
HERCULES
It could be, but it won't.
You know-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-if you really want to lecture me, it should be
about the kind of woman I'm attracted to.
HERCULES
After Xena, you'd be better off falling in love with
a black widow.
IOLAUS
Maybe I'll just give up women altogether. What
do you think?
HERCULES
I think it would be a good idea.
IOLAUS
Yeah. Wait a minute.
HERCULES
Iolaus, it seems like an awful lot like for a
red-blooded man like you to be walking away from.
IOLAUS
Yeah, you're right. Only next time, give me a
woman who wants to kill me with kisses.
STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Michael Hurst as Iolaus
GUEST CAST
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Elizabeth Hawthorne as Alcmene
Bill Johnson as Petrakus
Michael Dwyer as Theodorus
Patrick Wilson as Estragon
Rebecca Clark as Syreena
Bill Borlase as Villager
Eddie Campbell as Drinker #1
Danny Lineham as Drinker #2
Sam Williams as Hercules Stunt Double
Written by: John Schulian
Directed by: Bruce Seth Green
