Hooves & Harlots
What do you think of this one?
XENA
It's lovely. What's it for?
GABRIELLE
It's a walking stick. It's very useful. You can walk
with it, you can lean on it, if you need a rest and,
you can kill nasty little critters if you wanna lie
down. Yeah. It's got a good feel.
XENA
Let me look at this.
Hmm! Not bad.
GABRIELLE
Or, you could do that. Yeah!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What was that thing hanging back there from
the tree?
XENA
No trespassing signs. This is Amazon country.
GABRIELLE
Amazon? Do you think we'll see any?
Almost certainly.
Gabrielle.
You know the Amazon symbol of piece.
XENA
We'd like safe passage through your hunting
grounds.
My name is Terreis. You know the Amazon ways,
and yet, you're not one of us. And you're really not
one of us.
GABRIELLE
Hey, don't judge a scroll by its paper.
EPHINY
They invade our territory. We should take them
to see Queen Melosa.
TERREIS
Ephiny is right. We have to let Melosa decide.
Don't worry, she's fair.
GABRIELLE
Going to see the Amazon Queen. This is fantastic.
I'm so excited. I wonder what she's like?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to read philosophy and learn about history
and science. But they didn't consider me a
normal girl.
TERREIS
Philosophy and history are among the first things
taught to Amazon children.
GABRIELLE
Really?
TERREIS
It is a man's world, Gabrielle. Not because it
should be, but, because we let them have it. It's
based on a woman's weakness.
GABRIELLE
Yeah?
TERREIS
The Amazon world is based on truth and a woman's
individual strength.
GABRIELLE
Well, I'm all for that. I've always considered myself
a single-minded person. Of course, if I got married
I'd have to ask my husband if that was okay. That
was a joke.
Something about me you find interesting?
EPHINY
Yes.
XENA
Wanna tell me?
EPHINY
No.
XENA
Then stop staring at me, before I take your eyes out.
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
What is it?
Amazons, retreat. To the trees.
Terreis!
Don't try to move her. Gabrielle, I'll check to see
if it's clear.
Terreis!
TERREIS
(to Gabrielle) You tried to save me.
Don't talk, just keep your strength.
TERREIS
What you did, only an Amazon would do for another
Amazon. I want you to take my Right of Caste.
EPHINY
Terreis!
TERREIS
Please!
GABRIELLE
Okay, I'll take it. Just don't--don't...
ACT ONE
Hail, Melosa!
Victory for Queen Melosa!
What are they doing?
XENA
They're going to send Terreis to Artemis, the
moon goddess.
I'm Queen Melosa. I'm told you tried to save my
sister. For that, I thank you. You have safe passage
through my land, but you must go quickly. We
may be at war soon.
GABRIELLE
At war? With who? Who attacked us?
PHANTES
Get your hands off me!
EXTRA
Filthy animal!
PHANTES
Hands off, witch!
Centaurs.
GABRIELLE
What? What's the matter?
XENA
Let's just say, they're no friends of mine.
These were his. I brought him down as he was
escaping across the river.
PHANTES
You would never have caught me in the open field.
EPHINY
I did catch you. On our land.
MELOSA
You're Phantes, aren't you?
PHANTES
What? How did you-
MELOSA
I make it a point to know my enemies.
You have until the end of our mourning period
to make your peace with the gods.
PHANTES
Make peace with your own gods. You think my
people will allow you to kill the son of Tyldus?
MELOSA
Take him away.
What problems do you have with Centaurs?
MELOSA
Disgusting animals. You know how they are?
Near the river, there's a village of centaurs and
men. They want our hunting areas. And now they've
gone too far. You should go.
Now, what did you mean by, "I'm not a friend of
the centaurs"?
XENA
A long time ago, my army fought the centaurs.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, well, I guess they wouldn't be your friends
if you defeated them in battle.
XENA
I fought them, I never defeated them. Stay here.
Gabrielle? You didn't tell your friend about the
Right of Caste, did you?
Did you kill Terreis?
PHANTES
Terreis? The Amazon had a name, did she?
XENA
Did you kill her?
PHANTES
Would you believe me if I said I didn't.
XENA
I find it hard to believe that the son of Tyldus is
a murderer.
PHANTES
Maybe it wasn't murder. Maybe it was the opening
of a war that should have happened a long time ago.
XENA
Well, if it was, it was a pretty stupid way to begin
it. Only one death? And to get captured so easily.
Centaurs aren't known for their stupidity.
PHANTES
Amazons aren't known for asking questions.
XENA
I'm not an Amazon.
PHANTES
If it looks like a hydra, and moves like a hydra,
it's a hydra.
XENA
Did you kill her?
PHANTES
I'd kill 'em all if I could. And maybe I'll get my chance,
if my father can still muster the courage for battle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I appreciate your coming here for this discussion,
Krykus.
KRYKUS
I do it only in the interests of peace. You should
know I have men at the centaur village right now,
telling them the same thing I'm telling you.
MELOSA
And that would be?
KRYKUS
I have no interest in this little war of yours. If
it happens, don't expect me to act as an enemy,
or an ally.
MELOSA
That's all I care to know.
KRYKUS
Oh, and I would offer my condolences on the
murder of you sister, but-
MELOSA
But, I wouldn't believe it anyway.
Tor.
That was the warlord, Krykus. He hates us only
slightly less than the Centaurs.
XENA
Melosa, don't let this war happen. You can stop it
now before it gets out of hand.
MELOSA
I have no intention of going to war. That's up to
the centaurs. I intend to execute a murderer. If
they take it to the next step, we'll be prepared.
XENA
You're going to get your people killed. I fought
the centaurs. I know what they can do.
MELOSA
The famous battle of Corinth, yes, we've heard
of it. And we've heard of you, Xena. To some of
us, you're a hero. A true Amazon at the head of
the mightiest army the world has known.
XENA
And yet, the centaurs fought my army to a standstill.
Tyldus was their leader. Executing his son is
certain to bring about a war. I don't believe Phantes
killed your sister.
MELOSA
Is that so? What do you intend to do about it?
XENA
I'm going to talk to Tyldus.
This was Terreis' sword. According to Amazon
custom, it will burn throughout the night during
our mourning period. It will be used to execute
her murderer. That execution takes place at
noon tomorrow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It sounds like the centaurs have been asking for it.
XENA
Only fools and profiteers ask for war, Gabrielle.
Centaurs are neither.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, but he killed Terreis.
XENA
Someone killed Terreis. I'm not sure it was
Phantes. I'm going to speak to his father. This
is probably the safest place for you to be.
The Amazons will protect you because of Terreis.
Besides, I'm sure Tyldus still considers me
an enemy.
Good luck.
Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
So are we going to talk about this Right of
Caste thing?
MELOSA
With her dying wish, Terreis bestowed all her
rights and possessions to you, and her position.
GABRIELLE
Wait. You mean, I'm an Amazon?
MELOSA
Terreis was my true sister, the next in the royal
line. You're an Amazon Princess. (to Ephiny) Make
sure she's taught.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT TWO
TYLDUS
Hold your fire!
Corinth is a long time in the past, Xena. What
brings you to my present?
CELANO
Tyldus! Mesas can't breathe!
XENA
You know me, Tyldus. You know I can help him.
TYLDUS
Why would you want to help a centaur?
XENA
Because he's dead without it.
TYLDUS
If he dies, you die.
I...I can't feel my chest.
XENA
That's the point. I've blocked off the nerves. I'll
take that.
Very nice.
The rib's pressing against the lung. It didn't
penetrate, though.
Get me a needle and some leather twine. Now.
This can't be mine.
MAGDELUS
Everything that was Terreis' is yours.
GABRIELLE
But, it makes me feel strange, wearing her
clothes and all.
MAGDELUS
It's an honour. To deny it would degrade her
memory.
GABRIELLE
What kind of a person was she?
MAGDELUS
Terreis was an Amazon in the purest sense.
EPONIN
She would have made a good leader one day.
MAGDELUS
And she didn't think that all men and centaurs
were evil. Just misguided.
GABRIELLE
"It's a man's world. Not because it should be, but
because we let them have it." Yeah, I guess that's true.
Come. Now.
GABRIELLE
I'm sorry you must have me mistaken for
a pet.
EPHINY
Would you come with me?
GABRIELLE
That's better.
From birth, every Amazon is taught to use weapons.
Pick your first weapon.
GABRIELLE
No, I don't like swords. Can't hit the side of a
Cyclops with a bow and arrow.
Ahh, what's this?
EPHINY
That's a fighting staff. Eponin.
Right here.
EXTRA
Bring it here.
EXTRA
All right.
TYLDUS (voice-over)
They have my only son.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I supposed to just stand by and let him be
executed?
No. I'm asking you to give me time. He has until
noon tomorrow. Give me that.
TYLDUS
Why am I to trust you? At one time we would have
rejoiced in each other's blood.
XENA
Look inside yourself for that answer. Are you
still the same centaur I met at Corinth?
TYLDUS
You killed a half of my centaur army. My friends.
My son will not die for something he didn't do.
He's not a murderer. I desperately want to avoid
war, but I'm gonna get him back. And I swear, if
he dies, every Amazon will suffer at my hand.
XENA
I don't believe he killed that girl. But whoever did
wants this war. You're playing into his hands.
TYLDUS
Just before noon tomorrow, my army attacks. You
can go, Xena, but don't come back. You and I are
still enemies, and I'll kill you if I have to.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah. Show me, show me that again.
Ow! Never say die, just, just one more time, one
more time.
Report?
EPONIN
She's not bad. A little rough.
GABRIELLE
I'm getting the idea, though. You know, it's pretty
fun when it's working, huh.
EPHINY
"Fun"? This fighting staff was my first weapon.
My mother passed it on to me. It saved my life
more than once. Centaurs have certain strengths
and weaknesses. They're fast and agile. We use
that to our advantage. As a centaur passes at
full gallop, the staff goes here-
-to crack the knee at the joint. This splits the leg
forward and drops him to the ground. As the
centaur falls, a strike to the lower shoulder
dislocates the two front legs. Once the centaur
is on the ground, an overhead strike-
-breaks the neck. Death is immediate, if they're
lucky. Still fun?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Planning on taking a trip?
PHANTES
How did you get in here without me hearing you?
I wouldn't have left, you know? Not until I'd killed
everyone in this village.
EPHINY
You talk big, even for a centaur.
PHANTES
What would you know about centaurs? You despise
us. You spit on us.
EPHINY
I had a friend who admired the centaurs. She
didn't see you for the beasts you really are. She
felt that one day, we would work together. She
thought you were brave and noble people.
PHANTES
Well, if your friend likes centaurs so much, where
is she now?
EPHINY
You killed her.
I didn't.
EPHINY
She also told me that centaurs have a high sense
of honour. Is that true? Could you swear on your
father's name?
PHANTES
I swear on the name of Tyldus the Great, I didn't
kill your friend. Not that the oath of a centaur
means anything.
EPHINY
Not too many.
Don't be stupid, Ephiny.
ACT THREE
Let's go! Come on! The trees. Come on!
You sure you're not an Amazon? Very few people
know that escape.
XENA
Why are you following me?
EPHINY
I'm not. We were attacked here. I just came to
take another look at it. You saved me, and you
saved him. Why?
XENA
Because the moment an Amazon or a centaur
kills the other, the war can't be stopped. That
hasn't happened yet.
EPHINY
But, Terreis was killed.
XENA
By Krykus, the warlord. He gains everything from
this war. Follow me.
This is where the attacker was hidden. There
are hoof prints everywhere. Here's your proof
it wasn't a centaur. It was someone on horseback.
EPHINY
That's right.
This is filled with raw hay stalks. Centaurs don't
eat hay.
XENA
Actually, I was referring to the hoof prints. Centaurs
carry their weight on their front hooves.
EPHINY
That's just as good.
But how did Krykus know that Phantes was
going to be across the river?
XENA
We're going to find out, and we'd better do it quick.
Phantes is set to die at noon.
Time to dance, Princess.
I'm really, really bad at this. No, no, no, no. I have
two left feet, facing backwards. No, they wouldn't
let me dance at the crop festival because I brought
a bad harvest. No, no!
Yeah! Ho! Whoa!
Bring the princess!
Up here, Gabrielle. Before the sun is high overhead,
we will have welcomed a new member to the
Amazon nation: Gabrielle, as the Right of Caste
of Terreis. Now that the mourning period has
ended for our sister, the sword of Terreis
becomes hers.
Tomorrow, the murderer of our sister will meet
his justice. The sentence is death. Death by the
sword of the murdered.
GABRIELLE
What?
MELOSA
When Terreis gave you her Right of Caste, she
made you her avenger. You have to carry out the
sentence with her sword.
GABRIELLE
I can't kill someone.
MELOSA
You're an Amazon, Gabrielle. To refuse would
be treason, and your own death. The sentence
will be carried out at noon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I take it Melosa has sent the Warrior Princess
to try and talk me into an alliance.
XENA
Maybe. Would an alliance interest you?
KRYKUS
Not really. If they wipe themselves out, I could
care less. A battle between the hooves and
the harlots, I wonder who'd win.
XENA
That's easy. Any warlord who'd use this opportunity
to take more territory.
Centaur arrows.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This map hardly has a mention of the centaur
territory, or the Amazon's. Did you have it drawn
up before or after the murder?
KRYKUS
It's a contingency map. I like to be prepared for
any eventuality.
XENA
Well, this eventuality has you as absolute ruler
of the land.
Don't play games with me. You think I murdered
that harlot, don't you?
XENA
Well, I don't think you murdered her. I think
you arranged it.
KRYKUS
If my men tried to cross those hills, they'd be
killed by both sides. How could I have arranged
anything?
Nice dagger. Do you give them out as gifts?
Guards!
What did you find?
EPHINY
Centaur arrows, like the ones that killed Terreis.
This way!
XENA
Come on.
I'll get some men to go after them.
KRYKUS
No let them go. There's no way this war can be
stopped now. Tell the men to rest. We take to
the field tomorrow. After they've battled each other.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Amazon law, you must pay for your crime.
PHANTES
Amazon law means nothing to me.
MELOSA
Our law also allows you to speak before the
sentence is carried out.
PHANTES
I have nothing to say.
MELOSA
Very well.
PHANTES
I'm sorry your sister died.
MELOSA
Quickly, in the heart. Don't let him suffer.
GABRIELLE
I can't.
MELOSA
This is justice. It must be done.
EXTRA
Kill the beast!
EXTRA
Death to the centaurs!
EXTRA
It's justice!
EXTRA
Justice!
I don't want to die, please.
Phantes is not the murderer.
EXTRA
What?
GABRIELLE
Thank the gods.
XENA
We have proof.
What's this?
GABRIELLE
I'm an Amazon Princess?
XENA
Great.
The proof's in the pouch.
We found this where we were attacked. It has
hay sprouts in it. Centaurs don't eat hay.
GABRIELLE
Don't eat...ohh!
Thank you! Thank you very much!
MELOSA
Proves nothing. The execution will proceed. Eponin.
Queen Melosa, I demand the challenge.
EXTRA
She'd challenge our queen?
XENA
The royal challenge must be honoured.
MELOSA
Only when it is made by someone of royal
Amazon blood.
I demand the challenge.
MELOSA
You?
GABRIELLE
I'm an Amazon Princess, you can't deny me.
MELOSA
Gabrielle, do you wanna fight me to the death?
GABRIELLE
Not really.
EPHINY
You made the challenge, Gabrielle. You have to
follow through. Choose your weapon, or, choose
your champion.
GABRIELLE
Choose my champion?
I pick Xena.
MELOSA
If you lose, you all die. You too, Ephiny.
(aside to an Amazon) It shouldn't be a problem.
GABRIELLE
(to Xena) We gotta come up with some hand
signals or something.
Melosa fights low. She goes for the knees. She's
got a blind side that's on her right. But she's quick.
GABRIELLE
Don't you think she knows what she's doing?
You haven't seen her fight. Now, I have seen her
fight, a lot.
EPHINY
She's annoying. How have you put up with her?
GABRIELLE
Hey, she puts up with me fine.
XENA
If I lose, make sure Gabrielle gets out of here.
Choose your weapon, Xena.
XENA
Chobos.
Okay, now you won't lose. Remember that her
blind side is on the right.
Ah! Never mind.
Hit her! Get her! Yeah!
EXTRA
Go Melosa!
EXTRA
Come on!
GABRIELLE
Yeah!
EXTRA
Get her!
EXTRA
Get her!
EXTRA
Come on!
EXTRA
Get her!
EXTRA
Xena!
EXTRA
Whoo-hoo!
Don't fight me to the death, Melosa. I need your help.
There will be no execution, by order of our new queen.
ACT FOUR
TYLDUS
We'll talk with your queen!
I should have known you would end up leading
them. We finally get the chance to settle an old score.
XENA
You wanna settle it, Tyldus? Very well.
You've won.
You won a long time ago, Tyldus. You said that
I taught you the meaning of war. You taught me
that greatness doesn't depend on fighting. It's
the battles you choose and the people you protect.
You've got no enemies here, Tyldus.
Son!
PHANTES
Xena saved my life, father. I think I realize what
you've been trying to tell me about war. I've also
realized something about these Amazons. They
aren't our enemies.
XENA
No, but Krykus is. He started all this. Isn't that
right, Celano?
CELANO
What are you talking about?
XENA
You knew Phantes was going into Amazon territory.
You knew you could frame him.
CELANO
Any of us could have known that.
XENA
And then there's this.
No, it's not yours. I took it from Krykus. He gave
you yours, didn't he?
Arben.
Let him go. He's running back to Krykus, the
true enemy.
MELOSA
Krykus must be brought to justice. I demand
it, in the name of my sister.
TYLDUS
Our forces together can take them by surprise.
PHANTES
(to Ephiny) Amazon, wanna go for a ride?
Tor. Have the men clean their weapons and
assemble-
Krykus! They're coming!
KRYKUS
Who's that?
CELANO
Get your weapons!
TOR
Looks like Celano.
CELANO
Get your men ready! They're on their way! Hooves
and harlots are together! They're on the move!
They want your blood!
KRYKUS
What's he talking about?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Die, Amazon! I'll break your heart and neck!
You've got nowhere to go now.
You killed my sister.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melosa.
MELOSA
No. You have to stand trial, for your crimes against
the Amazons and the centaurs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My brother. He denied it.
EXTRA
Look over here.
MELOSA
It's not gonna be an easy peace, but it's a good start.
XENA
Making war is simple, making peace is never
easy. If it was, everyone would do it.
Old enemies, new friends. You gave me back
my son. I'll never forget that.
GABRIELLE
-made it to the Mystic fortress. I, of course, was
holding them off to give her the time that she
needed. (to Xena) I was just telling them the
Morpheus story.
PHANTES
And the Tracus story, the titans, Pandora. She
knows them by heart, and she loves to tell 'em.
EPHINY
Now, I see why you ride the horse.
GABRIELLE
Now, what's that supposed to mean?
EPHINY
Eponin?
This is yours.
GABRIELLE
I can't take this. Your mother gave it to you.
EPHINY
An Amazon Princess doesn't refuse a gift from
another Amazon. Please, I want you to carry it.
Are you mad at me because I didn't tell you about
the Right of Caste?
XENA
No, not mad.
GABRIELLE
Huh. I just thought it would be great to be an
Amazon. I didn't realize what it meant. But, I've
learned my lesson. Everything I know, you
know. From now on, no more secrets.
XENA
We'll see how long that lasts.
GABRIELLE
Huh. You know, I just thought of something. You're
a Warrior Princess, and I'm an Amazon Princess.
That's gonna make such a great story.
Yeah, and it all starts with you and me finding
those signs in the trees. And then...Xena!
Hey, wait. And then the arrows came flying down.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Danielle Cormack as Ephiny
Alison Bruce as Melosa
David Aston as Tyldus
Mark Ferguson as Krykus
Rebekah Mercer as Terreis
Colin Moy as Phantes
Chris Bailey as Celano
Antony Starr as Mesas
John Watson as Arben
Aurora Philips as Magdelus
Tanya Dignan as Eponin
Andrew Kovacevich as Tor
Written by: Steven L. Sears
Directed by: Jace Alexander
Disclaimer: No Males, Centaurs or Amazons were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
