A Comedy of Eros
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Charles Siebert.
I know, I know, I know. When I was your age, I
hated going to bed, too, you know. When you get
to be my age, and, uh going to bed takes on a--a
whole new meaning, you know?
Cupid, I'm waiting.
CUPID
Okay, look this could really work out for you, you
know? Here's the deal. Here's the deal. You go
to bed and give your mother and me a chance
and you might just end up with a little baby brother,
or--or a sister, huh? Wouldn't that be cool?
BLISS
No.
CUPID
No?
BLISS
No.
CUPID
No? No? Do you wanna go to sleep?
BLISS
No.
CUPID
No?
Shh, shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Okay,
come on. Go to sleep. Watch Dada.
Yeah, that's my boy.
I don't wanna go to sleep.
Cupid?
CUPID
Okay Bliss, here's the deal. You go to sleep, right
now and I'll get you a dog.
No, no, no, no! A pony.
No, no, no, no, no! A horse! Hah-hah, a solid
gold chariot with--with racing wheels, spiked
hubs and the power of five-six pure-bred stallions.
Wooo! Boy, the things we do for love.
Cupid, you coming?
Hear us, Hestia. Like doves to the sky, we commit
ourselves to peace and charity, in the purity of
both our minds and our bodies.
Hear us, Hestia.
It's amazing, isn't it?
XENA
Not really. Draco's as smart as they come. He
wouldn't go after the Hestian virgins without
scouting the place first.
GABRIELLE
No, it's the virgins I'm talking about. Think
of the faith it takes to be one of them.
XENA
Yeah, not to mention the other requirement.
GABRIELLE
Just between you and me, being chaste can be
real hard.
XENA
Chaste?
GABRIELLE
Hmm.
XENA
No, I was talking about having to answer to that
stupid bell your whole life.
GABRIELLE
That too. Yeah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know what the hardest part about serving
Hestia would be?
XENA
Hmm?
GABRIELLE
Giving up the chance to fall in love again.
XENA
Yeah, that'd be real hard.
Go on, give 'em to her. She'll like 'em.
These are for you.
GABRIELLE
Xena, we've both had our share of heartaches,
but you can't give up on love.
Ow!
XENA
Who's giving up? All I'm saying is it rarely turns
out the way you expect.
GABRIELLE
Yes-
-so, there are no guarantees. All I'm saying is
that when it's right, love can be the most potent
force in the world.
O-oh! Why I...oh.
Which is precisely why it should be avoided-
-and we should stay focused on why we're
here - to protect those women, right?
GABRIELLE
Right.
Leave me alone!
EXTRA
Bessie, run for it!
FARMER
Come back!
BEST BUDDY
Uh.
TEENAGE BOY
But I love you, Orick!
GABRIELLE
What I don't get is why Draco has the field to
himself. Every Hestian virgin in the province is
here. It seems like a flock any warlord would want.
XENA
It takes a certain kind of reckless courage to
defile a temple. It takes even more to go up against
Draco. Offhand, I can't think of anyone else crazy
enough to try.
Xena! Xena!
XENA
Aw, on second thought-
JOXER
Hey, I knew you'd be here, 'cause as soon as I
heard that rumour about Draco, I said to myself,
"Self, I'll bet Xena'll be here," and well, here you
are. Hi, Gabby, how you doing?
GABRIELLE
Joxer, huh. Like this mission wasn't hard enough.
JOXER
So, what's the plan. I heard Draco's one tough customer.
DRACO
You heard right!
Hello, Draco.
Xena. Long time.
XENA
Too long.
Huh.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
That was quite a welcome. What'd I do to deserve that?
EXTRA
I can't believe Xena kissed him!
XENA
It's what you're not gonna do that earned it...and
a lot more.
DRACO
I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do. I'm not
gonna let you foul up the biggest score of my life.
That's what I'm not gonna do.
XENA
You forced things between us once before, remember?
JOXER
What is she doing?
DRACO
I remember.
GABRIELLE
It's all part of her plan.
Everything.
GABRIELLE
I hope.
No! Stay back, she's mine. Uh-h!
XENA
Then come and get me.
You've picked up some new moves.
DRACO
I've had lots of practice.
That sounds exhausting.
DRACO
On the contrary it was, uh, refreshing.
XENA
Huh, I can think of better ways to get refreshed,
can't you?
I can't deny you excite me. But interfere and I will
kill you just as dead as anybody else. Do you
understand me?
XENA
Better than you think.
No! Back to camp!
I'm warning you, Xena. Stay clear.
Ah.
GABRIELLE
We have to talk.
XENA
Huh? Oh, yeah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's wrong with you?
XENA
Nothing that a good workout won't cure.
JOXER
Hey, uh, try the lake. A cold swim usually helps.
Hah-hah-hah-hah, so I've been, uh, told.
GABRIELLE
You're hot for Draco?
XENA
Aw, don't be ridiculous.
GABRIELLE
That's a relief.
XENA
I'm merely responding to that dark part of me
that has a weakness for bad boys.
Xena. Xena, this is crazy. We cannot stop Draco
if you're so...worked up over him.
XENA
No sweat. I told you he was bad once. So was
I...once.
GABRIELLE
So you think that he can change.
XENA
Well, why not?! I did! So can he.
With my help. Huh.
Whoa.
CRAIGAN
Draco! Thank the gods! When you didn't return
right away, we thought, well, they say Xena's crazy.
DRACO
Like a fox. Mark me, Craigan, that woman knows
exactly what she's doing.
CRAIGAN
Word is, she played the same sort of mind games
with Zagreas. Tricked him into losing his whole army.
DRACO
Zagreas was a fool. He didn't know her. I, on the
other hand, know Xena like I know my own face.
Get some water for a bath.
CRAIGAN
Shouldn't we be preparing for something from Xena?
DRACO
I am.
Look, I don't know what you're so worried about.
It's a good plan!
GABRIELLE
But, it's not the plan I'm worried about. It's Xena!
I've never seen her like this.
EXTRA
I'm gonna get you!
JOXER
You heard her. She's got a thing for us dangerous types.
GABRIELLE
Well, if that's all, then why take the trouble to
change him? Why not just get a grip, save the
girls and go?
JOXER
You're right. That does sound more like her.
GABRIELLE
Did you see the way she fought him? She never
pressed one advantage.
JOXER
So, what do you think that means?
GABRIELLE
Trouble.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You made good time.
XENA
I had good reason.
DRACO
If that includes trying to talk me out of rustling
those virgins-
-deal's already set. Slaver's due today, with enough
gold to make me the richest man this side of
Mount Olympus.
Well, if that's all you're willing to settle for.
DRACO
Are you saying I could do better?
XENA
Much.
DRACO
How?
XENA
By doing something you said you always dreamed
of: teaming with me.
You and me? Ride together?
XENA
Why not? You said it yourself years ago. We'd
be invincible.
DRACO
The two of us united.
XENA
Mm-hmm.
Zeus. There wouldn't be a--a town or a village
that could stand against us. But I thought you
gave all that up.
XENA
I did. What I'm offering is a chance for you to
ride with me.
DRACO
And do what? Good?
Where's the profit in that?
XENA
You told me you tried to change once.
DRACO
I did and almost got killed for my trouble.
XENA
Then try again. Tsk, oh, with me, profit's not
always measured in gold.
DRACO
What you ask, I don't know, it's a lot. I have to think.
Craigan, get in here!
CRAIGAN
How did it go?
DRACO
Stimulating woman, but I think I bought us some
time. Now, dress a man in my armour and send
him away from the camp. That should divert her
for a while. The rest of us will head to the temple.
We got some merchandise to move.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, it seems quiet here. I mean, maybe she
did it. Maybe, she actually turned him.
GABRIELLE
This is Draco we're talking about. The man is a
ruthless, flesh-peddling warlord who'd just as
soon kill you as not. Am I right?
DRACO
As rain.
Resist and he dies.
GABRIELLE
Joxer.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
DRACO
Hang him.
GABRIELLE
No!
DRACO
Wait!
Round up those virgins.
Get her!
And I thought I was being sacrilegious. You can't
hide those virgins forever.
XENA
I'm not hiding them at all. Without these robes,
they look just like the other village women, so-
DRACO
You dressed them like locals and hid them in
plain sight. Oh-ho-ho-ho, you are as good as
ever, aren't you, Xena?
XENA
Better.
Joxer, you're tightening the ropes! Will you let
me do it?!
JOXER
I'm not tightening. Now quit moving, you're wrecking
everything!
GABRIELLE
What?!
Xena! Oh, he's hurting me! Help!
Well, at least I didn't kill 'em.
XENA
And spoil a good shot at ransom?
GABRIELLE
Xena get me out of here, I'm tied to-
-Joxer! Thank you.
Xena?
XENA
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Xena?
Blecch! It tastes like sweat!
Does yours?
You two keep and eye on things-
GABRIELLE
Uh-huh.
XENA
-'til Draco and I get back.
JOXER
You know what, you're right. Something weird is
going on around here.
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
Definitely weird.
By the gods! You have gotten better.
XENA
Ah-h, so have you. I'd say we were pretty well matched.
DRACO
I've been trying to tell you that for years. What
took you so long?
XENA
If I'd known it'd be like this, I wouldn't'a.
You wanna go again?
DRACO
You're on.
Come on, Joxer. Please, just one more time?
You really love it, don't you?
GABRIELLE
I love it. The more I practice, the better I'll get.
JOXER
Well, I'm up for it. Except, this time, let's do it
together, okay?
Okay.
(singing) Joxer the Mighty,
He roams through the countryside.
He never needs a place to hide.
With Gabby as his sidekick,
Fighting with her little stick.
Righting wrongs and singing songs.
Being mighty all day long.
He's Joxer,
He's Joxer the Mighty.
JOXER
Yeah.
Aww, you're good. Oh, you're very good.
XENA
I have many skills.
There's one we've yet to try.
XENA
Draco...I'll be right back!
Remember the time that you changed personalities
every time the bell rang.
JOXER
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.
GABRIELLE
That was a great story.
JOXER
Yeah, it was.
GABRIELLE
You know, I think I'll have to know all the intimate details.
JOXER
You, uh, you--you will?
Uh-huh. It's the first rule in the bard scrolls. You
write what you know.
that's very wise advice because, ah, hey, listen,
uh, sh--shouldn't we be keeping an eye out for
uh, for Xena, wherever she is?
I've got my eye on something all right.
You okay?
JOXER
Gabrielle, could you, could you get me some
water? Could you get me water? Water?
GABRIELLE
Yes, I'll be right back.
Okay, thanks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are you doing?
XENA
Hard to believe, but Joxer's advice about a cold
swim...I'm taking it.
GABRIELLE
That's not hard to believe. No, no, Joxer's full
of good ideas.
XENA
Huh. No, I said Joxer.
GABRIELLE
I know. He's teaching me that wonderful song
of his.
(singing) Joxer the Mighty,
Roams through the countryside.
He never needs a place to hide.
With Gabby as his sidekick
(singing) Fighting with her little stick.
Righting wrongs and singing songs.
Being mighty all day long.
XENA
Gabrielle, what's going on? You barely tolerate Joxer.
GABRIELLE
Yeah? That was before.
XENA
Before what?
GABRIELLE
Before I realized...I love him!
XENA
What?
GABRIELLE
I know. It shocked me too, seeing how blind
I've been. But, maybe that's what love is. It's blind.
I should write that down.
XENA
No, Gabrielle, this is crazy. You can't be in love
with Joxer. He's, well, he's Joxer!
GABRIELLE
Are you talking about my man? Like Draco is such
a prize? Xena, I would rather be in love with Joxer
than a bloodthirsty warlord like Draco.
XENA
Uh-uh, Draco is not like that. He's changed. He--he--he
sees now, that giving up that life is it's not the
end of something. It's the, it's the beginning
of something better.
The temple.
Get your clothes off!
Tell me again how he's changed!
XENA
I thought you weren't going to do this.
DRACO
You thought wrong.
Don't.
No! You leave her alone! She loves you!
It's true, I do. Draco, if you'll just give me a chance,
I'll prove it to you!
DRACO
No, you're too late, Xena. You can't keep me from
what I want-
-and I want her.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
XENA
Wait a minute. Something's going on, here.
You--you can't want Gabrielle. Between you and
me, she's a little...
DRACO
I know what I want and she's it. Craigan! Herd
those girls back to camp!
CRAIGAN
Right away!
DRACO
Pinullus will be here this afternoon! (to Gabrielle)
Let's go.
GABRIELLE
I'm not going anywhere with you!
And neither are those girls!
warrior. Draco grabs Gabrielle.
Back off! I am warning you! You touch me and
you will be grist for the Gorgons!
DRACO
Oh, you're quite a little spit-fire, aren't you?
GABRIELLE
Yeah!
The cat has claws.
JOXER
Hey!
Ow! Hah-hah!
He hurt my hand!
GABRIELLE
Pookie!
JOXER
I know.
Quick! Everyone to the temple!
GABRIELLE
Hurry! Run inside!
XENA
We'll get those doors closed!
GABRIELLE
Hurry! Hurry! Get inside!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get in the back of the temple.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I dropped my prayer scroll!
XENA
You'll get it later.
Where's Joxer?
JOXER
Hey! Let go! Put me down! Ooh!
O-oh, o-oh, o-oh, Xena! Xena help! Help me!
Hey, I'm on the wrong end. Ooh, ooh.
DRACO
If you want to see your friend, you know where
to find him!
XENA
Ga-
Gabrielle?
Xena!
This love stuff is a real pain!
I'm warning you.
Didn't I say? Hard as rock.
GABRIELLE
Like your head.
CUPID
What did you say?
GABRIELLE
I was agreeing with you. L--like you said.
DRACO
Good, you keep agreeing and we'll get along fine.
GABRIELLE
Look! Cherries!
Mmm, I love cherries.
DRACO
Me, too.
GABRIELLE
Did I mention I'm a widow?
DRACO
No...but, I guess that's lucky. Saves me having
to kill your husband.
Now look, I didn't wanna tell you this 'cause,
well, I didn't wanna hurt your feelings. But, I can't
love you, because I'm in love with someone else!
DRACO
Who? Who are you in love with?
GABRIELLE
Like, I'm gonna tell you?
DRACO
Oh, I won't hurt him. Look, I swear it! Even my
enemies know me as a man of my word.
GABRIELLE
Forget it. I tell you and Joxer's as good as-
DRACO
Joxer? J--Joxer?! That pip-squeak?! I will kill him!
GABRIELLE
No! You gave your word that you wouldn't hurt him.
DRACO
Oh, I won't. I will cut his head off so fast, he won't
feel a thing.
Confine her to my tent.
EXTRA
Yes sir!
GABRIELLE
Joxer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You all right?
JOXER
Xena. Fine. It's Gabrielle I'm worried about. Draco's
got her and I swear, if he even touches her, I'm
gonna hunt him down and kill him.
XENA
Great, so you've got it, too.
JOXER
What?
XENA
This love-thing that's going around. Haven't you
noticed? First, I fall for Draco and then Gabrielle
falls for you and then Draco falls for Gabrielle!
JOXER
Who could be in very big trouble right now.
XENA
Wait! Slow down. Gabrielle's going to be fine just
as long as Draco's in love with her. It's you who's
gonna get killed when he finds out that she's in
love with you! So, what is the big picture here?
What's going on?
JOXER
I don't know. Love, chaos. Aphrodite?
XENA
Yeah, that's what I thought at first. But there's no
vanity in it. It seems so haphazard. It's like some
child's game.
Hail, Draco!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, you're the little piss-ant my woman loves.
JOXER
That's me.
DRACO
Gabrielle won't even know you're gone.
JOXER
Oh?
I'm sorry, Sweetie, that hurt me a lot more than
it hurt you. "Sweetie"? Did I say, "Sweetie"? I've
never used that word in my life before. But, he's
so cute.
Joxer, you know what to do. Hurry, there's no
time to lose!
JOXER
Don't worry, I won't fail you.
Oh.
Xena.
XENA
Shh.
GABRIELLE
I'm sorry. I thought it was Draco coming back.
XENA
No, not yet. But he won't be out long, so let's go.
GABRIELLE
What about Joxer? We have to find him. Draco
will kill him.
XENA
He already left. Now, come on.
GABRIELLE
He left without me?
XENA
He had to. I sent him on a mission! Can we get
outta here?!
GABRIELLE
A mission. Of course. What a guy!
A prince.
Xena! A truce! We need to talk!
So talk.
DRACO
I had the score of a decade. Then you show up,
and not only wreck it but you make me look bad
in front of my woman.
XENA
Well, ain't love a bitch?!
DRACO
Wait! Give me the girls and Gabrielle or I will
torch the place and everyone inside it.
XENA
You would kill the woman you love.
DRACO
The question is, would you?
No, that code of honour you cleave to wouldn't
let you watch 'em burn. So, we can do this the
hard way-
-or not. Your call.
XENA
Gabrielle's not the woman for you, Draco. I am.
And I'll prove it to you. Those virgins you want
'em? Take them. They're yours.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
XENA
What are you waiting for? Take them, unless
you're worried that your men may devalue them.
DRACO
Corral those virgins!
EXTRA
All right!
EXTRA
Come on!
EXTRA
Let's get 'em!
DRACO
And make sure they stay that way, or it's your hides!
EXTRA
Come on!
Why are you doing this?
XENA
For love.
DRACO
But you know that I'm in love with Gabrielle.
XENA
I'm counting on it.
Draco.
DRACO
Pinullus!
PINULLUS
My men are on their way. But I came ahead, just
as soon as I got your note.
Is this the Amazon?
No, I'm Xena. And you're Pinullus.
DRACO
What note?! I never sent you a note!
PINULLUS
Well, I got it right here. "Adding one Amazon
Princess to the deal. Signed, Draco."
DRACO
Let me look at that!
Here they are.
PINULLUS
And where's the Amazon?
DRACO
There is no Amazon! This note is a fake!
PINULLUS
What?!
XENA
Draco, come on. Just because you wanna keep
her for yourself doesn't mean you can welsh
on a deal.
PINULLUS
She's right.
DRACO
She's the one that faked the note! Oh, you are good.
But, trust me, Pinullus! There is no Amazon Princess!
Then, what's she?
DRACO
Gabrielle!
PINULLUS
She's magnificent. I'll take her!
Touch her and die! That woman is mine!
PINULLUS
So, Xena was right.
You are trying to double-cross me.
Get those girls out of here, quick.
GABRIELLE
Let's go!
After them!
This way!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on!
Come on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where are they? They couldn't just vanish!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didn't your mother ever teach you not to hit a man
while he's down?
What are they, bimbos? Don't touch 'em. Draco'll
kill us!
Where are they? Where did they go? Oh, boys.
Olley, olley, ox-and-free!
PRIESTESS
Come back! We won't bite. Hard.
Girls! Come back! You're going the wrong way!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guys, guys!
GABRIELLE
Wait!
EXTRA
Don't play hard to get!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come back here!
GABRIELLE
Are you crazy?!
DRACO
Gabrielle!
Draco?
Where are you?!
DRACO
Gabrielle, stop!
Ah!
DRACO
Gabrielle, don't defy me!
Xena! Look! I did it! He's here! Come on! Let's go!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Draco, I know you're in here, someplace!
VIRGIN
You woolly character!
JOXER
Xena, I got him! He's here! Where are you? Come
on! Let's go!
Joxer? Joxer?
DRACO
Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Come back here!
Whoa! Uh! Xena! I should've known.
XENA
So should I. When Gabrielle fell for Joxer, me
for you, you for her, I should've known something
was wrong then.
DRACO
What do you mean?
XENA
These feelings that we're having.
EXTRA
Where are they?
XENA
Hmm, gods know, they seem real, but--but they're
not. If I'm right, they're from Cupid's arrows.
DRACO
You'd say anything to win me, wouldn't you?
XENA
No, but this happens to be true. Think about it.
DRACO
I don't need to think about it. I know how I feel.
And I won't stop until I make Gabrielle feel the
same way for me. So, give it up, Xena! Stop
trying to change me!
XENA
You're right. You can't change the one you love.
So, wise up. Gabrielle could never love someone
who lives off hurting others. You can't change
her. So, if you want to win her love, you better
change yourself.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer!
JOXER
Gabrielle.
Aw, thank the gods!
I do.
Oh, no you don't.
You've caused me quite enough trouble for one
day, young man. Your mother and I have searched
Olympus all over looking for you. So, you consider
yourself grounded. Okay?
About time you clipped his wings.
CUPID
Yeah, well, I was a little tied up.
XENA
Oh.
CUPID
Thanks for finding my boy. I owe you one.
XENA
Yeah, 'cause if word about this ever got out, you'd
look kind of foolish, huh?
CUPID
What'll cost me to see that it doesn't?
XENA
Don't worry about it. Just put everyone back to
normal, and we'll call it even. Starting with me
and ending with those virgins.
CUPID
Deal.
That's it?
CUPID
Yeah. Easy come, easy go.
What's going on?
JOXER
A love so deep, few have ever known it.
What?!
JOXER
A love so deep-
-few have ever known it.
XENA
Cupid. Forget it. He's for real.
CUPID
Oh. Happens.
There you are.
Oh!
DRACO
I've tried to make you love me every way I can.
But nothing's worked.
So now I'll--I'll try it your way.
GABRIELLE
My way?
DRACO
Instead of hurting people, I'll try and he...I'll try
and help them. From now on, whenever I loot
a town or raid a village, I'll only kill the old people.
Or maybe just the men over fifty? Livestock?
Okay, all right, all right, I'll only kill other looters
and raiders.
Look, the point is-
-everything I do will be for you. So, don't forget
me, Gabrielle. The gods know, I won't forget you.
Leave him. Love suits him.
PINULLUS
You wuss!
Oh! Oh, oh.
DRACO
I think I'm gonna like this helpful stuff.
XENA
Well, you can't win 'em all.
GABRIELLE
Hmm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never knew love could be so exhausting.
XENA
Yeah, but, worth the work.
GABRIELLE
Xena, do I hear a touch of romance in your voice?
XENA
Not if I hear a touch of the "I told you so" in yours.
Besides, these weren't exactly normal circumstances.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, I'll say.
Can you imagine the two of us in love?
JOXER
Ridiculous.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, kind of makes you laugh just to think about it.
Hah-hah.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Jay Laga'aia as Draco
Karl Urban as Cupid
Cameron Russell as Bliss
Anthony Ray Parkeras Pinullus
Barry Te Hira as Craigan
Catherine Boniface as Priestess
Vanessa Mateja as Virgin #1
Cherie Bray-Taylor as Virgin #2
Michael Holt as Draco Man #1
Zen Player as Draco Man #2
David Perrett as Farmer
Collette Pennington as Housewife
John Carr Watson as Merchant
Sean Grant as Teenage Boy
Eric Lynch as Best Buddy
Written by: Chris Manheim
Directed by: Charles Siebert
Disclaimer: No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
