A Day in the Life
Now, she's ours! Hah-hah!
Want some breakfast? Yeah!
Come on! Come and get me! Oh, you're so good!
Gabrielle!
Xena!
XENA
What?
Where d'ya think you're going.
Ye-ow!
GABRIELLE
Xena, this was our only frying pan. Why do you
do that?! You do have weapons, don't you?
XENA
I like to be creative in a fight. It gets my juices going.
GABRIELLE
Can we cook with your juices?
LARGO
Oh-h! Could--could you guys talk about this some
other time?
XENA
Oh, yeah, I've cut off the-
LARGO
Flow of blood to my brain. I've heard all about it.
What do you want to know?
XENA
Who sent you?
LARGO
Zagreas. He wants to loot a little village not far
from here that had a big harvest this year.
XENA
What village?
LARGO
Piedmont. Zagreas said you were in the area,
so he sent us here to stop you before you could
get in his way.
XENA
Looks like we're going to Piedmont. All right, Gabri-
LARGO
Hey! Hey!
Ow!
XENA
Oh, sorry I, um, I guess I haven't totally woken up yet.
Which way?
XENA
I don't know. I've never been here before.
GABRIELLE
Xena, you know, you should have asked for
instructions when you had the pinch on that guy.
XENA
Well, you were there. Why didn't you ask him?
GABRIELLE
Oh, like you would want me to butt in on one of
your pinch interrogations?
XENA
Why not? You ask good questions.
GABRIELLE
Really? Thank you.
Yo! Yo!
GABRIELLE
Xena, here comes a guy. Let's try this. You put
the pinch on him and I'll ask the questions.
Hey!
Ow!
XENA
Why don't we just try asking him the regular way,
first, huh?
GABRIELLE
All right.
Excuse me, sir. Do-
HOWER
You're Xena?
XENA
Yes.
Hmm?
HOWER
Oh, ah, my--my village is in great danger. Can
you help us?
XENA
Is Zagreas after your village too?
HOWER
Not Zagreas. A giant wanted us to pay him protection
money. But we didn't have enough. So he says
he's gonna come this afternoon and flatten our town.
GABRIELLE
Two villages in dire straits. I hate when that
happens. Well, I guess we'll just have to methodically
examine the needs of each village and then determine
where we can do the most good. Yeah?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right, now I've made a list of the pros and cons.
Which village is in greater danger, which has the
most to lose, giant versus warlord, and so on.
Now, I'm sure with careful consideration of the facts,
we can come to the right decision.
Heads, we take on the giant.
GABRIELLE
Of course, that's another way.
Oh, ah, Laurel. It's this way.
GABRIELLE
Hey! Hower! Does your village have a store that
sells frying pans?
XENA
You know, I really don't wanna hear about this
all day.
GABRIELLE
Look! I'll drop it. I suppose raw meat can't
kill you.
XENA
Fine.
ACT ONE
Are you male or female?
XENA
Male.
GABRIELLE
Living? Dead?
XENA
Oh, I am very dead.
GABRIELLE
Were you killed by a certain Warrior Princess?
XENA
Yes.
GABRIELLE
Well, that narrows it down. A little. Huh. Atyminius?
XENA
No.
GABRIELLE
Hmm. Ah!
Ah, I almost go you that time.
XENA
No, you didn't.
GABRIELLE
What are you talking about? I was this close.
XENA
You were this close 'cause I let you get this close.
GABRIELLE
We'll see.
XENA
Oh. Hower, how big is this giant?
HOWER
I don't know. He--he's never been to our village before.
And he just sends threats through a messenger.
GABRIELLE
Well, how do you know there really is a giant?
HOWER
We've heard he's already destroyed a village in
the next valley.
XENA
So he's never been to your village. We may be
able to use that to buy some time.
I had no breakfast, all right? Hower, is there a
creek nearby?
HOWER
Ah, yeah, just over that ridge.
XENA
Great. Let's take a detour and eat.
GABRIELLE
Fish sounds good. You know, a frying pan would
come in handy right about now.
XENA
Get off it, Gabrielle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you a warlord or royalty?
XENA
Warlord.
Doesn't she need a fishing pole?
GABRIELLE
Much too conventional for her. (to Xena) Are you Dagnine?
XENA
Nope. What do you like, Hower? Trout or perch?
HOWER
Trout.
GABRIELLE
I'll take salmon.
XENA
Wrong kind of creek, wrong season, wrong-
GABRIELLE
Fine, how about eel?
XENA
Eel.
GABRIELLE
Mmm.
XENA
(to herself) Every time.
See that? Horse tracks, lots of them. Looks like
Zagreas' army forded the creek here recently. It
means it won't be long before they strike at Piedmont.
GABRIELLE
What a shame that little village has to be looted.
XENA
I'm not gonna let that happen, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Xena, you can't stop it. You can't be in two places
at once.
XENA
I don't have to be.
One eel coming up! Here you go!
Ah, that's funny. Yeah.
Let me ask you something, Gabrielle. Does Xena
ever think about settling down and getting married?
GABRIELLE
No, she likes what I do-
I think she likes what she's doing. No, I don't think
settling down is for Xena.
HOWER
Hmm, maybe she just hasn't met the right guy.
GABRIELLE
You know, anything's possible, Hower.
Hower, I saw some wood lying around. Would
you mind collecting it? We're gonna have to cook
these, somehow!
Thanks. Good shot. Another one's fallen for you.
XENA
Again?
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
Why does this always happen?
GABRIELLE
It's the blue eyes, the leather. Some guys just
love leather.
I think a wardrobe change is in order.
GABRIELLE
You could wear chain mail.
XENA
Yeah, but I think that'd just attract a kinkier group.
Hey.
GABRIELLE
You're probably right.
On the other hand, I could just stop bathing and
wear a smelly wolf skin. That'd turn 'em off.
GABRIELLE
That's true. Of course, you'd also be traveling alone.
Flowers for a flower.
Oh, thanks, Hower.
Did you see that?
GABRIELLE
What?
HOWER
She took the flowers! She likes me.
GABRIELLE
Oh, boy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle, what do you think you're doing?!
Oh, that's just great. It's gonna smell like fish for days!
GABRIELLE
Well, what was I supposed to use, huh? You threw
our only good cutting knife at a warlord last week.
I bet it's still sticking out of his thigh.
HOWER
I'll wash it off for you, Xena.
XENA
That's all right, Hower. How far are we away from
your village?
HOWER
It's about two more hours, due east.
XENA
Good, we can find it on our own. There is something
you can do for me.
HOWER
Anything.
XENA
I want you to deliver a message to Zagreas. Tell
him not to worry about anything. I won't get in
his way if he doesn't get in mine.
HOWER
That's it?
XENA
Yeah.
I don't understand it, either. But I learned that she
works in mysterious ways.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bacchae crushed their victims like a python!
(to Argo) Python, right. And the bacchae fell on
their victims like hungry wolves. That'll work.
You used my scrolls?!
XENA
Now, take it easy. There were no good leaves in
the bush. I used a piece that didn't have much
writing on it!
GABRIELLE
Y-
The giant's coming.
I hope I spelt Laurel right.
XENA
Who cares?! Giants can't spell.
GABRIELLE
You know, how do you know he's coming this
way? I haven't heard him in a few minutes.
Maybe...maybe he's gone another route.
XENA
There's a giants' burial ground close by. I figure
he might wanna stop there on the way.
Let's go.
Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
What?!
XENA
Come on.
ACT TWO
Light or dark hair?
XENA
Dark.
GABRIELLE
Fat?
XENA
No. Buff.
GABRIELLE
Hmm. Toxeus.
No. That's interesting.
GABRIELLE
What? Huh. There's actually something interesting
about this place, Xena? Hello, this is like every other
village we've ever been in. You know, for once,
you think somebody would try something new line
the road with birch trees or-
XENA
No. I mean, there's no one here.
Ooh! Quit wiggling! Stop wiggling, you...rotten goat!
GABRIELLE
Hello.
You're--you--you're Xena, aren't you?
XENA
Yes.
MINYA
All right! I finally get to meet the--the Warrior Princess
herself! I've heard about all your adventures. How
you unchained death, and--and liberated Prometheus
and nailed that Callisto witch.
XENA
Listen. I--I'm just here to-
MINYA
You are the main thing, the real deal, you
know?! The number one attraction!
And, um, you must be ah, uh, oh-ho, um, Lariel.
What's it like to travel with the hottest warrior in
the butt-kicking bizz, huh? Does she sleep in the...
GABRIELLE
Well...
XENA
Hey! Lady, we're on a mission.
MINYA
And we stayed behind to help. All the other villagers,
they've run to the hills except for me and my boyfriend,
Hower. You've probably met him already. Where
is he?
XENA
Ah, he's doing me a favour. He told me about
your problem.
MINYA
Well, I want you to know I'm ready to do anything
you need. I'm as strong as a bull and I can
read. That's a pretty rare combination in these
parts. So, what's you plan? Your strategy? How're
you gonna whip this overgrown fleabag?
XENA
I don't know yet. I'm gonna have to think this one out.
MINYA
Fine. What can I do to help you concentrate?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mezentius?
XENA
No.
Who could it be? Don't--don't tell me.
MINYA
Is it too hot?
XENA
No, it's just right.
I'll go get some more.
What are we going to do about the giant?
XENA
I don't know. It hasn't hit me yet.
GABRIELLE
You know, we could get Minya to round up the mirrors.
XENA
Mirrors?
GABRIELLE
Yeah, in case he's wearing a helmet. You know,
like Goliath.
XENA
Oh.
GABRIELLE
You can reflect the sun onto him. He'll take off
the helmet and expose the giant soft spot.
XENA
I've already done that.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, I know and it worked. You know, you don't
have to be original every time you fight, Xena.
XENA
I suppose not. Here, now I'll do your back.
Oh! That's enough, Minya.
She's in that, "I'll do anything for the Warrior
Princess" haze.
XENA
Yeah, well, she's a good kid. Suppose.
GABRIELLE
You know, her boyfriend is in love with you. Hmm.
Guess I'll have to straighten that out, too.
XENA
Why you?
GABRIELLE
Because I do the sensitive chats.
XENA
Well, that doesn't mean that I can't.
GABRIELLE
Why do you have to be so competitive about everything?
XENA
Oh and you're not?
GABRIELLE
I'm less competitive than you are.
That's enough, Minya! Thank you.
MINYA
Sure. Have you got your plan yet?
XENA
Well-
GABRIELLE
We want you to collect all the mirrors in town.
MINYA
Is that what you want, Xena? Are mirrors part
of the plan?
XENA
Yeah, for now.
What?
GABRIELLE
You said, "For now."
XENA
So?
GABRIELLE
You're not gonna do that again, are you?
XENA
What?!
GABRIELLE
You know what. We set up a perfectly good plan
and then you change it at the last minute.
XENA
Well, you gotta be flexible. It comes with the job.
Are you sitting on the soap?
GABRIELLE
I was wondering what that was.
Hello, Hower! Xena's here! Isn't she incredible?!
So strong, so confident, so brave, so-
HOWER
Beautiful.
MINYA
Well, she's all right, if you like that type.
HOWER
Xena, I delivered your message to Zagreas. He-
XENA
Wanted to know what I was up to and decided to
hold off his attack on Piedmont 'til he could figure
it out. And he wouldn't agree to my offer.
HOWER
That's right. How did you know that?
XENA
I used to ride with Zagreas. He's got nerves of
mush and he wouldn't trust his own mother. Hower,
I want you to go back to him and tell him that I
don't mind if he sacks Piedmont, but he'd better
not come anywhere close to Laurel. Got it?
HOWER
All right, anything you want, Xena. Well, I'm going
now, Xena.
MINYA
Bye, Hower.
XENA
Hey! Hower, say goodbye to Minya.
HOWER
Bye.
He's running. I've never seen him run for anything
but a meal.
When Hower gets back, one of us has got to
talk to him.
Hmm. Minya, is this your frying pan?
MINYA
Yeah?
GABRIELLE
Do you wanna trade?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, yeah!
Aah! Sinteres.
XENA
No.
GABRIELLE
Was it someone you fought before I met you?
XENA
Nope.
GABRIELLE
Fine, who was it?
XENA
Theodorus.
GABRIELLE
Theodorus? Xena, Callisto killed Theodorus.
XENA
Yeah, but she was in my body at the time.
GABRIELLE
Y-
Ow!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ow!
XENA
Hey!
MINYA
The rotten thing came back and bit me!
XENA
You gotta be careful with it. What are you doing
with my whip, anyway?
MINYA
It isn't your whip, anymore. I traded my best frying
pan for it, fair and square.
Look, we have to cook our food. I am still waiting
for the fish I had for lunch to stop trying to
swim upstream!
XENA
No, this isn't about cooking, is it?
GABRIELLE
I don't know what you're talking about.
XENA
I messed with your scroll, so you--you traded my
whip for a frying pan? (to Minya) I want it back.
MINYA
No! It belongs to me! You don't get that concept
very well, do you? The whip is mine. The frying
pan's yours. Hower is mine! She's yours.
GABRIELLE
Hmm.
XENA
I'm going to go check on the giant. Move all the
mirrors up the north end of town.
You're not the only tough broad around here, you
know?! You can run, but you can't hide! Warrior
Princess, my...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, Xena!
Yo, Hower.
HOWER
Zagreas-
XENA
Is moving in this direction?
HOWER
That's right. How do you know all that? You're
a genius.
XENA
No, I just know that scum always floats to the
surface. He wants to see what I'm doing in Laurel.
He figures there must be some profit in it.
HOWER
Uh-huh. But why do you want him to come this way?
Then we'll have to fight the giant and Zagreas' army.
XENA
Not if we time things right.
What is it?
Wow! And I thought I had big feet!
XENA
Three paces. It's gotta be Gareth.
HOWER
Who's Gareth?
XENA
Only the biggest and meanest giant who ever
walked the Earth.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
"And thanks to Xena, the Bacchae were turned
into the beautiful women they were be..."
MINYA and GABRIELLE
"Before."
GABRIELLE
What do you think?
MINYA
It's pretty good. Do you have one where Xena
steals somebody's boyfriend or do you always
leave that part out?
GABRIELLE
Minya, look, Xena would never take anybody's
boyfriend. She has more integrity in that way than
anyone I've ever met. She will send the right
message, I guarantee it.
Minya, I wanna be real honest with you. I think I'm
in love with Xena.
MINYA
She sent him a message, all right.
Xena, we need to talk about Hower.
XENA
The giant is Gareth. We don't have much time.
The mirror plan won't work.
HOWER
Gareth is-
MINYA
The biggest, meanest giant ever to walk the
Earth. Xena's old buddy, Goliath, wanted to get
revenge on Gareth for killing his family. But then, Xena
and Goliath ended up on opposite sides during
the Israelite-Philistine feud. And then Goliath
got wasted.
I read it in one of her scrolls.
GABRIELLE
Does Gareth wear a helmet?
XENA
With a heavy nose guard.
GABRIELLE
Well, why won't the mirrors-
XENA
No, there are heavy rain clouds moving in from
the west. There won't be any sunshine to reflect.
GABRIELLE
What're we gonna do?
Zeus killed giants with lightning bolts.
GABRIELLE
How are we going to get lightning bolts?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There.
GABRIELLE
What is it?
XENA
I don't have a name for it. But if I can get it up into
the air, I think we can use it to nail Gareth.
GABRIELLE
Get it up in the air?
XENA
Yeah, you know? Make it fly. Let the wind carry it.
Looks like your precious has got a screw loose.
XENA
Oh.
GABRIELLE
Xena, look, I hate to doubt you after all we've
been through, but I think this is a long shot.
XENA
Well, what's your plan?
GABRIELLE
Hey, don't get defensive. I just don't share your
vision here.
XENA
There were plenty of other times when you didn't
share my vision.
GABRIELLE
Yes and you were right those other times. But,
eventually you're going to be wrong. Call it the
law of averages. I just as soon it not be when
the biggest giant to ever walk the Earth is headed
our way!
XENA
Maybe if I ran with it.
All right! Come on, big guy.
Have faith, Gabrielle. Have faith.
Up, up, up!
GABRIELLE
Yes! Woo-hoo! We did it! We did it! We did it! We
did it! Yeah! When Gareth gets here, we're
gonna have a...piece of parchment floating in the
air, with a belt-buckle hanging on it. Xena, what
is this supposed to do?
XENA
Bring the power of Zeus to Earth. Here, you take over.
Keep it up there just as long as you can. I'm gonna
go talk some sense into Hower.
GABRIELLE
Are you sure you--you don't want me to-
XENA
Gabrielle, I think I can handle it. Keep that string taut.
GABRIELLE
Uh-huh.
Xena! Hey! Woo-hoo! Oh!
Come here! Come here!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena. I was just brushing Argo down of you. I think
she likes me.
XENA
Hower, Minya's a good woman. She loves you.
You're lucky to have her. And you got a snowball's
chance in Tartarus with me. You got that?
HOWER
I think you're denying your feelings, Xena. But I
can be patient. You'll come around. Hmm?
Gabrielle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle?
You know, I would have had you if I hadn't done
the war cry.
XENA
Yeah, sure you would. It's your turn to talk to Hower.
GABRIELLE
Right. Your flying parchment's stuck in a tree.
My love for Xena will last forever!
Okay. Thanks Xena.
What did you say to her?
XENA
I just gave her some advice about handling me.
I don't know if she really listened. She doesn't
trust me, you know? How did it go with Hower?
GABRIELLE
Not well. Maybe you could kick him around a
little bit.
XENA
Yeah. Then, he might like it.
GABRIELLE
That's true. Hmm.
XENA
You know, if this works, I'll repay an old friend a debt.
GABRIELLE
Goliath?
XENA
Yeah. I've always regretted that he had to die.
But at least now I get to even the score for him.
The giant that killed his family is headed toward
the wrong village.
GABRIELLE
The dead can hear our thoughts. I'm sure that
he knows you care about him.
XENA
Yeah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What was that?!
XENA
Sounds like Zagreas just ran into a certain giant.
That Gareth never could resist stomping an army.
HOWER
Brilliant! That was your plan all along. To bring
Zagreas into Gareth's path. Do all your plans
work this well?
XENA
Let's hope so, 'cause when he's done with Zagreas,
he's coming for us.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
What's taking him so long?
XENA
Cut him some slack. He's just stomped an
entire army. He's probably resting.
GABRIELLE
Where's Minya?
XENA
I hope she's taking some advice I gave her.
Xena!
XENA
Hi, Zagreas. Having a bad day?
ZAGREAS
You set me up, Xena! That giant destroyed my
entire army! It's not fair! I'm just trying to
make a living! All us warlords are! A little looting!
A little mayhem! You used to do it, Xena! But you
changed! And you ruined everything for all of us!
With your chakram, your whip, your sword, your
fists and your little tricks! You made fools
of us all! Well, I'm here to end it, Xena, end it
all! Yeah! One of us ain't leaving this place alive,
Xena. So come on! Let's have at it! Ah!
Hey, tough guy! You wanna talk or fight?
ZAGREAS
Another one!
Whoa! Minya! That was amazing! I had no idea you-
MINYA
Looked so good in leather?
Minya! What'd you do with that whip?!
MINYA
Hower!
He's headed toward the giants' burial ground first.
I've gotta go out to meet him. If this doesn't work,
or if the bad weather doesn't hold, I want you to
get Hower and Minya to safety. Don't let them
die in a lost cause.
GABRIELLE
Xena, I'm sorry I traded your whip for a frying pan.
XENA
I shouldn't have used your scrolls. We're even.
It's time.
Gareth! We meet again.
I'm going to squash you like an insect.
XENA
In your dreams.
I'm going to get you, Xena.
XENA
Come on, handsome! Come on, Gareth, you
couldn't catch a cold!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You should have more respect for the dead!
GARETH
You can't get away from me.
XENA
You'll be joining them sooner than you think!
Goliath says, "Hello."
That bunch up there looks like a big dipper.
GABRIELLE
A dipper?
XENA
Yeah, you know, like one of those cups that you
draw water out of a bucket.
GABRIELLE
It looks--it looks like a bear to me.
XENA
A bear?
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
XENA
How do you get a bear?
GABRIELLE
Look it, look, there's the body, look see the little
ears and tail.
XENA
(laughing) No.
Xena? Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
XENA
I'll live.
I'm sorry. I--I never thought I'd--I'd really hit you. I-
XENA
It's all right. Let's just try and go to sleep, now, okay?
Hey!
Did you just let me hit you?
XENA
No, you nailed me fair and square.
GABRIELLE
You did, didn't you? You--you let me hit you,
because you feel sorry for me.
XENA
Go to sleep.
GABRIELLE
All right. I know you let me hit you.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Murray Keane as Hower
Alison Wall as Minya
Willy De Wit as Zagreas
Tony Billy as Largo
Jim Ngaata as Gareth
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: Michael Hurst
Disclaimer: No Slippery Eels were harmed during the production of this motion picture despite their reputation as a fine delicacy in select cultures of the known world.
