Blind Faith
Good, there's a tavern. I'm hungry.
GABRIELLE
Hey! I've got an idea. Let's shop.
XENA
What do we need?
GABRIELLE
No, not that kind of shop. Shop, shop. You know,
browsing, haggling, getting a deal.
XENA
A deal on what?
GABRIELLE
Ah, who knows? See, that's the fun part.
EXTRA
That's outrageous!
GABRIELLE
Something completely frivolous. Xena, come on,
let's squander a couple of dinars.
XENA
Hey.
GABRIELLE
Okay, I can see it's not your thing.
XENA
Look, if you wanna browse, haggle and squander,
go ahead. I'll meet you in the tavern.
Hmmm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh. How much for this piece of scrap?
VENDOR
That finely-woven Egyptian prayer scarf is five dinars.
GABRIELLE
You've gotta be kidding.
VENDOR
I suppose I could knock a dinar off the price for you.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, why don't you? Some fool might come by
who wants to throw away four dinars.
I can go as low as three dinars but that's firm.
GABRIELLE
Well, you know, I guess I could use it to wipe the
sweat off my horse. One dinar.
VENDOR
Two and you have a deal, okay?
GABRIELLE
Okay, okay.
Thank you.
It's not worth it, I tell you. I can do better over there.
Don't make me break your neck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle? Gabrielle?
Hey! That's my staff.
XENA
It is not. It belongs to a friend of mine.
That irritating little blonde? She won't be needing
it anymore.
XENA
And why not?
PALAEMON
Because I killed her, Xena.
And now, I'm gonna kill you.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Admit it, Xena. That last move is worthy of you!
Come on, Xena. Don't hold back. Or, are you afraid
of me, hmm? That's understandable. I don't have
a soft spot for you like Draco did. And I'm not out
of control like Callisto.
What did you do with Gabrielle? And don't tell me
you killed her! I know that's a lie.
PALAEMON
Why are you so sure I didn't kill her?
XENA
'Cause when I got the oil in my eyes, you didn't
strike. You haven't got the killer instinct.
PALAEMON
Hey! Don't kid yourself. I just couldn't stab you in
the back in front of all those witnesses. It would
defeat the entire purpose.
XENA
What do you mean?
PALAEMON
I want to be known as the man who killed Xena
in a fair fight. Face to face.
XENA
So, that's it. You told me you killed Gabrielle to
egg me into a fight.
Not just a fight. A fight to the death. The man who
kills you will have quite a reputation.
XENA
Where's Gabrielle?
PALAEMON
I don't think it's time for me to tell you that.
Now, you got thirty seconds to tell me where she is.
See, I don't think you quite understand. I've cut
off the flow of blood to your brain. You're gonna
die a very ugly death, unless you start talking.
I did it.
I called your bluff! I knew you wouldn't let me die!
Not when I know where your little buddy is.
(to villagers) Did you see that?! Tell everyone!
Palaemon called Xena's bluff! (to Xena) Now, it's
your reputation that's hurting. Admit it. I'm a very
formidable foe.
XENA
No, you're nothing but a stupid kid with a very
limited life expectancy.
Hey! What are you doing?!
I'm not letting you out of my sight until I find Gabrielle.
If anything happens to her, next time it won't be a
bluff. (to Vender) That oil I got in my eyes, has that
got sumac in it?
VENDOR
Yes. I sell the mixture as a dye.
Come on.
So, who's this Gabrielle, anyway?
XENA
A friend.
PALAEMON
Yeah, I've got friends who could be following up
right now.
What's the matter, Xena? Battle fatigue?
XENA
You wish.
PALAEMON
Hey, Xena? What do you think of my fighting style?
XENA
What?!
PALAEMON
Come on, give some credit where it's due. I'm
quick, I'm agile, I think on my feet. I bet you won't
fight me again because you know I'd win.
XENA
Don't flatter yourself. Young thugs like you are a
dinar a dozen.
PALAEMON
I know five warlords that'd tell you different if they
could. They can't, 'cause they're dead. You ever
heard of Krakus of Pyla? I killed him. I've got talent
and you know it.
XENA
Oh, yeah and you're real brave. That's why you
kidnap young girls.
PALAEMON
A guy's gotta make a living.
XENA
You kidnapped Gabrielle for money?
PALAEMON
Yeah. When I heard what kind of a girl they were
looking for, I figured I could kill two birds with one
stone. Give them what they were looking for, for
a fee, and get you to fight me.
Who are these people you're talking about?
PALAEMON
Oh, come on, Xena. You don't want me to make
it too easy for you.
XENA
Oh, no. The easy thing would be killing you right now.
Let me go, please!
APEX
Are those the dulcet tones of the future Queen?
GABRIELLE
Queen?
APEX
Didn't anyone mention that? King Solus has chosen
you for a bride. This is your lucky day.
GABRIELLE
King Solus. No, it can't be possible. I...well, I've
never even met him.
APEX
No matter, my dear. You're sure to win his heart.
You're the right type. Just look around you. As you
can see, we have a long tradition of making innocuous
blue-eyed blondes our Queen.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, well-
-I'm more of a redhead, really. Look, I'm not marrying
anyone. For all I know, the king is-
Incredibly handsome. Not that that--that that matters.
APEX
My hands are tied, Gabrielle. What the king needs,
the king gets.
GABRIELLE
Well, um, if I could talk to him-
APEX
He'd marry you immediately. You're perfect. I trust
you'll find your royal chambers satisfactory,
my Queen.
Get in there!
LAGOS
The warrior woman, that travels with our Queen-
APEX
That braggart, Palaemon, said he'd take care
of her.
LAGOS
She's headed this way. We've got a real problem.
APEX
Solve it! Take the best of the palace guard. Nothing's
to interfere with my plans.
Tell me all about her. Who is she? A princess
from City-State. A Countess from Carthage. Oh,
they are so sophisticated!
APEX
I'm afraid not, Vidalus. She's a commoner.
VIDALUS
A commoner?
APEX
Yes, but it does present a problem. As you know,
the royal court must approve the king's choice.
I'm counting on you to turn the little peasant trash
into a Queen.
VIDALUS
Me? But I was trained at the royal finishing school,
not on Mount Olympus.
APEX
You'll make her a Queen, or I'll make you dead.
VIDALUS
I don't respond well to threats.
However, actual pain can be quite persuasive.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
O-o-oh! We're getting close now, Xena. We're
about to walk into the middle of some of my friends.
They like me.
XENA
Go figure.
PALAEMON
They won't take kindly to the way you're treating me.
She's here.
LAGOS
I thought you were gonna kill her, Palaemon?
PALAEMON
I'll get around to it.
LAGOS
Don't bother. If they resist, kill them.
EXTRA
Let's get her!
XENA
With friends like these...
It would be a whole lot easier if I could use my
hands! Quick! Cut me loose!
EXTRA
Take them!
It's my turn now, fellas.
I've got her!
Where's my sword?
Come on. Come on!
Now, where were we?
Is there a problem?
PALAEMON
You tell me.
You're blind!
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
PALAEMON
You can't see a thing, can you? Where's the challenge
in killing you now? It would be worse than stabbing
you in the back.
Here!
When you get your eyesight back, I'll come visit
you again.
Hey! What are you doing? Are you crazy?!
XENA
No, but I am in a hurry and I need you to be my eyes.
Forget it!
You and I are gonna find Gabrielle. And anything
that happens to me happens to you first.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope this works.
Oh, wait! Stop her!
GABRIELLE
Get away from that! No! Look, you made a big
mistake. I can't marry the king.
VIDALUS
Oh, listen, every bride gets the jitters. Is he the
right one? Will it last? But, don't you worry. Vidalus
will take care of everything.
GABRIELLE
What's Vidalus?
VIDALUS
That's me.
GABRIELLE
All right. Look. My best friend is Xena, Warrior
Princess. And she is not going to like this forced
wedding thing, if you get my drift.
VIDALUS
A little husky, don't you think?
GABRIELLE
Husky?
VIDALUS
This whole threat thing. It's not very ladylike. And
take your hands off your hips! You look like a
scrub-woman!
GABRIELLE
What?
VIDALUS
Just trying to teach you to act like a lady.
GABRIELLE
Stop that! I know perfectly well how to act like a lady!
VIDALUS
You have the hand gestures of a wagon-driver.
GABRIELLE
I can't believe this.
VIDALUS
And that dialect. Thrace? Macedonia? Oh, what
does it matter? Backwoods is backwards, as they
say. Posture is not bad. Yes, we can cover up that
peasant muscle, but these dishwasher hands,
oh-h-h-h! Uh, white gloves might be a solution.
GABRIELLE
You don't think I'm the right type to be a Queen,
do you?
VIDALUS
Not really.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, well I agree. None of this makes any sense.
Why would King Solus wanna marry a complete
peasant stranger?
VIDALUS
Who knows? I say, sit back and enjoy the ride.
GABRIELLE
I can't, I won't, you can't make me!
EXTRA
Hungry, my Queen?
GABRIELLE
Oh, well, a couple of grapes. I gotta get out of here.
How's your curtsey?
So, Gabrielle is to be King Solus' wife?
PALAEMON
Yeah, not such a bad fate. I convinced them she
was the right physical type. Then I played up the
whole sturdy peasant stock thing to make her
sound ripe enough.
XENA
Y'know, something doesn't fit here. A peasant
girl isn't usually a very desirable match for a king.
Something else is going on here.
Stop it! Don't even thing about it. Nothing is
unlocking these except for the key.
PALAEMON
You must be pretty scared right now.
XENA
Of you? You must not be paying attention.
PALAEMON
Not of me. Of the unknown. You don't know what's
happened to your eyes.
XENA
Yes, I do. They've been saturated with sumac. It
causes blindness, temporary, if treated within a day.
PALAEMON
And if it isn't?
XENA
I'll be blind for life.
PALAEMON
What's the treatment?
XENA
Cleansing your eyes with a solution of palm oil
and Egyptian senna.
PALAEMON
It sounds hard to find.
XENA
Any market in Athens'll have it.
PALAEMON
Well, if I were you, I'd be headed for Athens.
XENA
Well, you are not me. I've gotta save my friend.
PALAEMON
Well, that must be some friend.
XENA
Stables. The castle's not far from here.
PALAEMON
You can smell the horses from here?
XENA
Well, not the horses themselves.
PALAEMON
That's very observant. You know, being chained to
you might not be so bad. I could pick up a few pointers.
XENA
I'm not teaching you anything.
PALAEMON
Ah, but you already have. I've studied you, Xena.
Every battle, every conquest. How do you think I
became the warrior I am today?
XENA
You are wrong to model yourself on who I used
to be. I was confused back then.
PALAEMON
No, you were committed. You had power and
nothing could stop you. People knew who you
were. You commanded respect.
XENA
I commanded fear. It was no way to live.
PALAEMON
Fear, respect. Call it what you will. But you were
the best. That's why I've got to kill you, Xena. Then
I will be the best.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you.
EXTRA
Wait 'til you see her.
As you know, King Solus has selected his bride.
All that remains is your approval. Without further
ado, may I present Lady Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, come on out, we're waiting for you.
GABRIELLE
Not until I speak to the king.
I'm begging you. I'm under a lot of pressure here.
By the gods, girl, have some compassion.
GABRIELLE
All right, I'm coming out.
EXTRA
Ah, there she is now.
She's beautiful.
This is hopeless.
VIDALUS
Just, remember, baby steps.
You only curtsey to Apex. Just skip the curtsey.
Just remember to watch your tones.
It's so good to see you.
APEX
And now, may I propose a toast.
EXTRA
Hear, hear.
EXTRA
A toast!
APEX
To Gabrielle, who'll soon become our Queen.
EXTRA
To the future Queen!
EXTRA
Hear, hear.
EXTRA
May the gods bless you.
Cheers!
EXTRA
To many healthy children!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, is it finished?
Long live Queen Gabrielle indeed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spread out. You two, go north.
PALAEMON
There's a patrol of guards between us and
some woods.
XENA
If we make it to the trees, we might be able to
lose them.
PALAEMON
You know, you're probably right.
XENA
Follow me.
There she is! After them!
EXTRA
Quickly!
EXTRA
After them!
This way, Xena!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wait!
I'm losing my grip!
XENA
How far to the bottom?
PALAEMON
We're dead.
What are you doing?!
XENA
There's no reason for both of us to die.
PALAEMON
Wait!
Xena!
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
They're back here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Check this way!
EXTRA
They're heading around south!
LAGOS
They can't get far! It's a dead end. Check this way.
EXTRA
They won't get far.
Come on, keep moving!
EXTRA
They won't get far.
I'll pull you up! And help you to get Gabrielle back,
on one condition! When you can see again, I want
another shot! A fair fight to the death! If you don't
agree, I'll cut the vine. Agreed?
XENA
Agreed.
No, no! Like this.
That's better. Now, work on the look. Haughty, confident.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are not reaching out for a glass of beer in a
tavern. You are extending your hand for a kiss.
It should flutter up, like a graceful dove.
GABRIELLE
Flutter up like a graceful-
O-oh!
GABRIELLE
Oh!
Once more, with style.
Your movements should be slow and gentle. You
are not pulling a plow!
What do you think you're doing?
GABRIELLE
Can you take me to the king?
VIDALUS
And risk a royal hanging? I don't think so.
GABRIELLE
Have you ever been in love, Vidalus? Huh? I mean,
really in love.
VIDALUS
Well, there was a certain someone.
GABRIELLE
Now, when you think of that person, can you imagine
being with anyone else? Well, now you know how
I feel. I can't marry the king because my heart
belongs to another. And even though I can't be
with them now, I'm not ready to be with anyone
else. So you have to help me, Vidalus, please?
VIDALUS
You're breaking my heart. Down the hall, third
door on the left.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, what's the plan? Hey! I know! We'll--we'll invade
the same way you did in Vivlauser a few years
ago! Setting the oil reserves on fire was a stroke
of genius! They say you could hear their men scream
all the way to Athens. Or, how about the way you
slaughtered those men in Corinth, eh?
Those aren't pleasant memories for me. And
I don't like you talking about them as though they are!
PALAEMON
What do you mean? You were brilliant. My only
hope is that someday I'll be half as good.
XENA
And I'm the one who's supposed to be blind.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Majesty, I'm sorry to disturb you before the
wedding, but, uh, well, you know, I thought we
should meet sooner or later, right?
I knew you'd understand. Cold hands. You must
be as nervous about this as I am. Or not. The truth
is, that, well, I can't marry you.
No, no, no, it's not you, it's me. I'm just not ready
for this kind of commitment. Which is probably
better for you anyway, because all the men I get
serious about seem to wind up dead. Your Majesty?
Sweet mother of Zeus!
I see you've spoiled the surprise.
GABRIELLE
He--he's-
APEX
Dead. Yes, it happened a few days ago, an unfortunate
accident in the royal baths.
GABRIELLE
You mean, I'm supposed to marry a-
APEX
Precisely. You see, our kingdom is governed by
a constitution. If the king dies without an heir, then
the throne passes to his cousin in another kingdom.
If, however, the king is married at his death, the
monarchy is dissolved and the power goes to the
kingdom's ministry.
VIDALUS
In other words, Apex becomes king.
APEX
Why, yes. What a happy coincidence.
GABRIELLE
What happens to me?
APEX
Now, that's the fun part. By ancient proclamation,
the queen must accompany her king to the other
side. In other words, the highlight of your honeymoon
will be a trip to the royal crematorium. Cease her!
Patrol change!
PALAEMON
There's too many guards.
XENA
How far across the courtyard is the next section
of wall?
PALAEMON
About twenty lengths, why?
Hey, what are you doing?
Now, listen.
What's going on?
EXTRA
Come on, over here!
EXTRA
No, this way. This way.
EXTRA
Hold that wall, I heard it!
Hey! That's great! You gotta teach me-
XENA
Shh!
Nice catch.
XENA
Okay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right, men.
PALAEMON
Everywhere we turn, there's guards. There must
be an entire regiment in here. We better wait here
'til they pass. How are your eyes?
XENA
The stinging's getting worse. The sumac's settling in.
PALAEMON
Then, it may be too late for you.
XENA
Maybe.
PALAEMON
Is your friend really worth all this?
XENA
I'd give my life to save her.
PALAEMON
You see, friends make you vulnerable. That's
why I don't have any.
XENA
Oh, is that why?
PALAEMON
You don't like me very much, do you?
XENA
I don't like who you pretend you are.
PALAEMON
What do you mean, pretend?
XENA
I've met a lot of bad men. They've hardened their
hearts. You're not one of them yet.
PALAEMON
What are you talking about? I'll show no mercy.
XENA
I'm not buying it. It would have been pretty easy
for you to leave me hanging off that ravine, but
you couldn't.
PALAEMON
You know why I saved you.
XENA
So you can kill me in combat? I'm not buying that,
either. You had your chance in the marketplace.
You know what? I don't think you've ever killed anyone.
PALAEMON
Are you crazy! I killed Krakus of Pyla.
XENA
No, you didn't.
PALAEMON
What makes you so sure?
XENA
Because, I did. Be careful, Palaemon. We all
eventually become what we pretend we are. They're
gone. Let's go.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yay, gods. Bear witness to the holy wedlock of
this mortal couple, bonded for all eternity. Let no
man put asunder what the gods, in their infinite
wisdom, have blessed. And now for a sip from
the wine of Dionysus-
-to consecrate this holy bond.
Close enough. Oh, gods on Mount Olympus, if
this union is not blessed, give us a sign.
I now pronounce you King and Queen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My lords, ladies. You common people. May the
gods bless our royal couple!
EXTRAS
Yay!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations, your Deadness. And as for our
Queen, I'm terribly sorry for the tragedy you two
will suffer on your honeymoon. Pity, you seem
so happy together.
Put it there. Throw them in!
ACT FOUR
Nice.
XENA
You're right, this place is crawling with guards.
PALAEMON
Yeah, you better stick close to me.
XENA
Careful, Palaemon. It's beginning to sound as
though you might care.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Burn them both. It was so dreadful, a horrible,
tragic accident, because the king and Queen had
to be cremated at once!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which way?
VIDALUS
Hello.
If you are Xena, the gods have answered my prayers.
I'm Vidalus, friend of the bride. Leather, huh? Bold choice.
XENA
Where's Gabrielle?
VIDALUS
Uh, Apex and his men have taken her to the
crematorium. She and the king are to be cremated.
I could show you, but-
Let's go.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, the Queen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let me out!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is it.
Xena. Sorry to start without you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your little friend's about to journey to the other side.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where's Gabrielle?
APEX
Problem with your eyes, Xena?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
She's blind. Toss her in with her friend!
Come one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't breathe in here!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, hang on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out of my way, fishcake!
Gabrielle!
Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Gabrielle?
Ah, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Xena?
Are you all right?
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.
What's wrong with your eyes?
XENA
I'm blind, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
There must be something that we can do, that-
XENA
The cure is Egyptian senna. You can get it in Athens,
but by the time we get there, it'll be too late.
VIDALUS
Egyptian senna? I have that growing in my garden.
Well, you can't make a good face cream without it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, you ready? Now, this might sting a little bit.
Look, I'll try to be careful, all right? Here, tilt your
face up towards me.
How was that?
Okay? Any change?
Now, that's a sight for sore eyes.
GABRIELLE
You can see?
XENA
I can see.
That's good to hear.
All right, Palaemon.
I'm ready now. If you still want that fight, you've
got it.
PALAEMON
I was right about something, Xena.
What was that?
PALAEMON
I said I could learn something from you and I did.
XENA
Oh?
PALAEMON
That you are who you pretend to be. So you better
pretend to be something you can live with.
I think I'm gonna pretend to be good for a while.
See how things work out.
XENA
I think you'll like it.
PALAEMON
Thanks, Xena.
You know, he's kind of attractive when he's not
kidnapping me.
VIDALUS
I agree. You know, he and I dealt with those guards
quite handily. I think I might follow him and see
if he needs a sidekick.
GABRIELLE
You know, it's pretty good work, if you can get it.
VIDALUS
Gabrielle, you are a great lady.
Thank you, Vidalus.
Shame about the hands, though.
Bye.
You know, this hasn't been very good for my
self-esteem. He didn't like my hands, my walk, my
stomach, my curtsey. Can you curtsey?
I...I hate you. In a good way. What about that royal
wave thing, huh?
XENA
Oh, yeah, two hands. Check it out.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Jeremy Callaghan as Palaemon
Chris Bailey as Apex
Sydney Jackson as Vidalus
Graham Lauder as Lagos
Ajay Vasisht as Vendor
Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Josh Becker
Disclaimer: Once again, Gabrielle's luck with men was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
