Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
...loss of so many. Three more girls have disappeared
from a village just south of here.
All right, have a safe journey. Be very careful.
What did he say?
XENA
Three more girls kidnapped from a neighbouring
village. That brings the total to six.
GABRIELLE
Who would do this?
XENA
Shh. Listen.
GABRIELLE
I don't hear anything.
XENA
That's your answer. This is the Bacchae forest.
GABRIELLE
The hunting grounds for Bacchus, the God of Wine
and his Bacchae followers. So we should hear
Orpheus. His music is said to tame the Bacchae.
XENA
And without it, these woods aren't safe.
GABRIELLE
So you think the Bacchae took those girls?
XENA
There's one way to find out.
Do you think that the stories that people tell
about the Bacchae are--are true?
XENA
Some are, some aren't. What have you heard?
GABRIELLE
Well, they say that a single bite from a Bacchae
can turn a young, innocent woman into a wild,
soulless creature, whose only allegiance is
to Bacchus.
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And, once bitten, she's lured into his lair to drink
his blood. If she does, there's no way to save her.
She becomes a Bacchae forever.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They say that the Bacchae women can take many
forms sometimes, just roaming the forest as
wolves. Driven with an unquenchable thirst for
blood, they track their intended victim relentlessly-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-until they corner him. Then they tear him apart,
limb from limb.
But, if you ask me, I think the stories are exaggerated-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-you know? Just made up to give people a really
good scare.
(to Argo) Get out! Get out of here!
JOXER
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stay behind me!
GABRIELLE
You don't have to tell me twice.
You dumb mutt! You! And, you! Got'cha! Get outta
here! Mister Mean Dog! Mister Nip Me in the-
Xena! Help! Get off of me! Ooh! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Yeah! Get out of here! And--and don't come back, either!
Joxer!
JOXER
Huh?
GABRIELLE
Are you all right?
JOXER
Me? Ha-ha-ha-ha-yeah. Never better!
You see, the secret to defeating a wolf pack is to
wear 'em down. I had those mongrels right where
I wanted 'em.
XENA
Uh-huh? So, what brings you to these parts?
JOXER
Mission...to save the world. Package, from Orpheus
to Xena.
Orpheus?
GABRIELLE
What is it?
JOXER
Speaks for itself.
ACT ONE
Ou-u-uchh! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ouch!
Never pick him up by his hair. And he parts it
in the middle.
XENA
Orpheus, Bacchus did this to you.
ORPHEUS
I thought you'd recognize his handywork. Since
we last met, I've dedicated my life to stopping
Bacchus. For a long time, my music worked. But
now, he's cursed me. He took my body, but left
me eyes and ears to see and hear all the evil he
brings to the world. For as long as Bacchus lives
on Earth, I will live in agony.
GABRIELLE
So it was Bacchus who took those girls.
ORPHEUS
Yes. Tomorrow night, he'll make them full-fledged bacchae.
XENA
And you want my help.
ORPHEUS
I've hated you for a long time, Xena. And you're
the last person I'd ask for a favour. But you're
the only person who knows Bacchus well enough
to do the job.
XENA
Do you still have your lyre?
ORPHEUS
I've kept it hidden in town with my friend, Mellotus.
He can play it while I sing.
XENA
Knowing Bacchus, it won't be safe for long. Come on.
ORPHEUS
Not so fast, Xena. I want to remind you that
innocent lives are at stake. Maybe this time you'll
be more careful.
XENA
(to Joxer) Find a way to make him presentable
and then we'll leave.
Wait a minute. What did she mean, make you
presentable?
ORPHEUS
She doesn't want me to look like you.
GABRIELLE
(to Xena) What was that all about?
XENA
My army fought Bacchus a long time ago. And
on the final day of the battle, an innocent woman
got caught between my army and Bacchus' forces.
The fighting was fierce. There was no way we
could protect her, and she was killed. I'm sure
it was Bacchus who killed her. But Orpheus
always blamed us both.
GABRIELLE
Who was she?
XENA
Orpheus' wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you bring me the head of Orpheus?
BACCHAE #1
No, master. He got away.
BACCHUS
You fools! How could you let this happen?!
BACCHAE #1
He and his idiot companion were rescued...by Xena.
BACCHUS
Xena. It's been too long. She must've taken
Orpheus back for the lyre. Call the others. I have
a little job for you.
A festival. Looks like fun.
JOXER
Yeah, every year the villagers have a festival to
scare away the Bacchae. They have a prize for
best costume, too. Guess we know who's winning
this year.
Ha-ha! Very funny.
Mellotus?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He must be in the back room.
Mellotus, no!
XENA
The Bacchae did this.
ORPHEUS
And they've taken the lyre.
GABRIELLE
Xena, I'm going with you.
XENA
No, Gabrielle, I need you to stay here and protect
Orpheus. Without him, we don't stand a chance.
Wow! Do you really play all these instruments?
ORPHEUS
Leave the instruments alone!
JOXER
You know, your G is way out. Didn't anyone ever
tell you playing music's for sissies? You know,
my mother wanted me to be a musician. Can
you imagine that? Me, a musician? Now sword
fighting, there's a real man's hobby.
You can be a warrior and a musician. I was.
JOXER
Yeah, right. And a hydra makes a good house pet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll be right back.
JOXER
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Stay here.
The moon is up and there's a chill tonight.
Come on and dance away the growing fright.
Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care.
Want to get with the rhythm 'til the morning light.
Used to think that I liked being all alone,
But now I'm feeling kind of warm like it's nice to be.
And should have known better than to want to be 'lone,
But the beat is so strong I got ta-take it on.
Ah come on, ah, come on, ah, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me.
If you want my love, ya gotta drink da blood.
I want ta dance with you; I want you right next to me.
I want your soul and I'll give you what you need to be.
Feel the music; sniff your hair.
I'll keep you warm against the cold night air.
Just one kiss is what you need right now.
Just one kiss and I will show you how.
Just one kiss is what you need tonight.
To go dancing with the devil by the pale moonlight.
Ah come on, ah, come on, ah, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me.
If you want my love, ya gotta drink da blood.
Ah come on, ah, come on, ah, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me.
If you want my love, ya gotta drink da blood.
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Ah, the precious golden lyre. Isn't it beautiful?
THIEF #1
Need some help, ladies?
THIEF #2
Yeah, that hunk of gold is too heavy for pretty things
like you.
BACCHAE #1
You're cute. Come closer and I'll let you have it.
THIEF #1
That's not all you'll let me have. Come on, beautiful.
Hey, girls, sorry to break up the party.
Where is that lyre?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
See anything?
I don't see anything. Wait! There she is, in the
middle of the room with two women.
JOXER
Bacchae, just like I thought. (to a villager) Hold that.
Don't worry Gabrielle, I'll save you. Unhand her!
Joxer! What are you doing?!
JOXER
Bacchae!
GABRIELLE
But, I would know a Bacchae if I saw one.
JOXER
Come on, Orpheus is waiting.
Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Hey! Whoa!
Did you get the lyre?
XENA
No, I found the Bacchae who took it. Someone
else got in the way. We'll get it back.
We'll get it back? Wait a minute; let me get this
straight. First, we find the lyre. Then we get someone
to play it. Ah, Orpheus sings, the Bacchae sleep.
Ah, we go in, kill Bacchus and free the girls?
XENA
Exactly.
JOXER
That was easy enough.
ORPHEUS
Don't be a fool. Bacchus has the lyre safely in
his catacombs by now. If you go in there, he'll kill you.
XENA
It's a chance I'll have to take.
JOXER
Yeah, it's my strategy from the get-go. Catch 'em
off guard. Run that "He'll kill you" part by me again.
XENA
It's all right, Joxer, you won't be coming. Come
on, Gabrielle.
JOXER
Wait a minute! If she's going, I'm going, too! Hey,
I assembled this team! Okay, fine. I guess you
don't want someone who plays the lyre!
ORPHEUS
You?!
JOXER
I took the music lessons, okay?
GABRIELLE
You play the lyre.
JOXER
Yeah, I play the lyre. Don't advertise it all over
town. I got a reputation to maintain.
XENA
All right. Let's go.
I got you, Orpheus.
JOXER
Wait a minute!
GABRIELLE
Whoa!
JOXER
Look! On her neck. Blood. She's been bitten.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
GABRIELLE
So, she had blood on her neck. I mean, she was
in a fight. It could be anything. It could be a scratch.
You know?
JOXER
Listen, listen, I have seen every kind of wound
encountered by man or beast. And that, my friend,
is a bite, specifically, a Bacchae bite.
GABRIELLE
Then, why hasn't she turned into one?
JOXER
Because these things take time! Listen, listen,
any second now, Xena's gonna be sporting a
new set of fangs, big ones. Wait a minute.
Now I know why she didn't want me with her.
Because she knows I'm the only one who could
stop her.
GABRIELLE
You know, we could settle this right now. I'll just
ask her.
JOXER
No, don't ask her a question! Are you kidding
me? Anything you say is gonna propel her into
a bacchian frenzy! Listen, you better give me this.
I'll sharpen it into a point.
GABRIELLE
Don't be ridiculous!
JOXER
Listen, we gotta act nonchalant! Give it to me!
Give me that!
XENA
Hurry up! What are you two doing back there?
GABRIELLE
Nothing!
JOXER
Just sharpening our weapon. Okay, fine, but when
she bites your head off in the middle of the night,
don't come running to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ow!
JOXER
I got it. You can't be too careful with these things,
you know. Somebody might get hacked to pieces.
XENA
I'll be back in a minute.
Give me that.
You all right?
ORPHEUS
I'm a musician without my hands. How should
I feel? Look, just 'cause you've agreed to help us,
it doesn't make us friends. My wife died in your
war camp, and you did nothing to protect her.
XENA
There was nothing I could do. Most of my men
had already fallen. I tried my best to hold back
Bacchus in the hope that she would escape.
ORPHEUS
But you failed.
XENA
Eurydice shouldn't have been there in the first place.
ORPHEUS
I don't know why Eurydice thought she could
befriend a ruthless warrior like you. Her blood is
on your hands!
(to Gabrielle) I'll tell you one thing, nobody sleeps
soundly tonight.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spider. Sand spider.
JOXER
Fine.
XENA
Everything all right?
JOXER
Yeah, yeah, I was just thinking about the best
way to kill Bacchae. Not that I haven't killed them
before, you know.
XENA
There's only one way to kill a Bacchae. We'll get
what we need on the way to the catacombs. For
now, try and get some sleep.
JOXER
Sure! No problem!
Under the light of the baccha moon, my initiates
will drink my blood and become one of us.
By this time tomorrow, we will have a new breed
of eternal Bacchae. And one of them will be Xena.
This is it? When you said "weapons," I was thinking
a blacksmith's shop.
XENA
No, for this job, we need something special. Keep
quiet, and don't step on any graves.
JOXER
Dryad, dry...what's a dryad?
XENA
Sworn enemies of Bacchus. A dryad bone through
the heart is the only way to kill a Bacchae.
GABRIELLE
Do we have to dig them up?
XENA
Not exactly.
JOXER
Well, they're not gonna jump out at us.
Whoa! Whoa!
Joxer!
JOXER
Help, Xena! Help me! They're pulling me under! Help!
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
Pull! Pull!
Horrible animals! Ooh, and monsters! Oh, that was
close. He took my boots! They cost me fifty dinars!
GABRIELLE
Great.
JOXER
Stupid, good-for-nothing, bag of bone!
What is it?!
XENA
That's a dryad.
Watch it, Joxer!
ORPHEUS
All right, Xena! Do something!
Thanks.
Go on and run! You coward! Hah-hah! Wow!
These dryad bones are really sharp as nails.
No wonder they can kill a Bacchae.
Hey, are you afraid of this?
XENA
Should I be?
JOXER
No.
Argo!
JOXER
It's just that Gabrielle thought that you might be
a Bacchae. Okay, maybe I thought you were one,
too. But you had blood on your neck.
XENA
Sorry to disappoint.
JOXER
It's understandable. Nothing like stalking a Bacchae
to get the blood flowing.
ACT THREE
XENA
Gabrielle.
JOXER
See? What did I tell you?
XENA
Gabrielle. It's all right. I can help you.
Where's she going?
XENA
The catacombs. Get Orpheus!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shh! You hear that? Someone's trapped! And it
sounds like it's coming from right behind us.
ORPHEUS
Get me out of here! Ah! Not so rough, all right?!
Yes?
ORPHEUS
You're wasting time. We should be in Bacchus'
lair by now.
JOXER
We're looking for Gabrielle. She turned into a Bacchae.
ORPHEUS
There's no time for that. We have to kill Bacchus
before midnight. Forget the girl.
XENA
I can't do that.
ORPHEUS
I knew I should never have trusted you. Once
again, you're selfish desires come first. Don't
you understand? Bacchus is using Gabrielle
against us. If you try to save her, you'll fall right
into his trap.
XENA
Save your breath. I'm going after Gabrielle.
ORPHEUS
Then Bacchus has won already!
Um, are you sure you know where we're going?
XENA
It's all right, Joxer, just follow me.
That's right, Joxer, follow Xena blindly to your death.
JOXER
Don't worry. We know where we're going. What
do you mean, "Death"?
ORPHEUS
It's only a matter of time before Gabrielle bites
Xena and makes her a Bacchae too. Xena's
friendship has blinded her to the mission. You
have to take control. The world is counting on
you, Joxer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer! Joxer!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, okay.
If Gabrielle comes around again, I'll know what to do.
ORPHEUS
Good.
Hm?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep your eyes open. She's here somewhere.
JOXER
Well don't worry. I'm ready for anything.
Bat.
Get off of me! Get off of me!
Oh, you little Bacchae!
Joxer, don't!
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle!
JOXER
Duck!
It is time.
Drink, and become one with me...forever.
Remember, your job is to find the lyre and play
it as soon as you can. That should give me time
to reach Bacchus.
JOXER
Right.
ORPHEUS
Xena! I...owe you an apology. I guess I was just
looking for someone to blame.
XENA
Bacchus must've caused you a lot of pain.
Now, maybe we can bring you some peace.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, friend of Xena. Go ahead, my child, drink
and become immortal. Become one with me.
ACT FOUR
She's not interested, Bacchus.
BACCHUS
Xena! So glad you could join us after all.
XENA
Joxer, quick, on Bacchus' throne. Get the lyre. Hurry.
JOXER
You got it.
Get her!
Let go of me, you little monster!
Orpheus, Orpheus! Wake up! Come on!
The lyre, yes, the lyre! Orpheus, what should I play?!
ORPHEUS
Anything! Just play!
Drink! I command you. Drink, and become one
of us.
JOXER
Get off of me!
Gabrielle! No! Joxer! Play the lyre!
La-la-la-la. La-la-la-la. La-la-la-la. La-la-la-la.
Any requests?
Awake, my Bacchae! It is time to feed!
Welcome back, Xena.
No, Xena, don't you know? Only a Bacchae can
kill me. And you're not one, yet. (to Gabrielle) Bite her!
And now, make her one of us.
Gabrielle, do it.
Finally, Xena, you will be one of my children.
What happened?
EXTRA
I feel so strange.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
Oh.
Thanks.
JOXER
You're a lot taller than I thought you'd be.
Orpheus? Hmm.
ORPHEUS (voice-over)
Goodbye, Xena...and thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is that?
XENA
That's Eurydice's favourite tune. Sounds like she
and Orpheus are back together again.
GABRIELLE
It's music to my ears.
Guys, wait up! Hey, so what's next?
GABRIELLE
Next, huh?
JOXER
Yeah.
GABRIELLE
Ah, we--we fight Medusa, right?
XENA
Right.
GABRIELLE
Well, you know, the--the one with snakes all
over her head.
XENA
Right.
GABRIELLE
And--and one look, and the mightiest of men
is turned into stone.
XENA
Right.
JOXER
Stone, huh? Oh, hey, listen, ah, um, I just remembered
it's my mom's birthday. And she's getting, you
know, the...I--I better get back home, but, um, I'll
catch up with you guys a little later.
GABRIELLE
No problem.
You know, you almost died trying to save me. I
really want to do something to thank you.
Farewell, my warrior chums!
XENA
You just did.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Matthew Chamberlain as Orpheus
Anthony Ray Parker as Bacchus
Kym Krystaly as Bacchae #1
Daniel Parker as Thief #1
David Goodwin as Thief #2
??????????????? as Singer
Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: T.J. Scott
Disclaimer: No Bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, a few Driads lost their heads.
