Return of Callisto
This transcript is dedicated to the memories of Kevin Smith and Michelle Calvert.
All right, time to eat, pigs! (to Second Guard) Each
of the animals gets a ladleful. (to Half Starved Man)
Hey! What do you say, pig?
HALF STARVED MAN
Thank you.
FIRST GUARD
You got to demand their respect. They're all
murderers, thieves, and perverts. The toughest,
baddest men around. If you get soft with them
for a moment, they'll cut your throat.
Now this one is a very, very special case. Watch
what I do. Fill 'er up.
What do you say?
SECOND GUARD
Why is she in that contraption?
FIRST GUARD
That's Callisto. She's the worst of the worst. Already
crippled three guards. Never let her out of that thing.
(to Callisto) Come on, what do you say?
CALLISTO
I say, before I kill you, I'm going to make you squeal
like a pig, you fat, pathetic piece of dung.
FIRST GUARD
I've put up with your lip for too long!
Now, what do you got to say?!
CALLISTO
Thank you.
FIRST GUARD
See, respect. I demand it, I get it.
This is my lucky night. Yeah! Yeah!
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Luck be a lady tonight!
You lose.
FIRST GUARD
Get her!
Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto!
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Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.
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Let them all out. The healthy ones will be the
beginning of our new army. Oh, and the weak
ones, put them out of their misery, hmm? Oh,
huh, Theodorus, bring that with you.
I know someone it will look perfect on.
EXTRAS
Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto!
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Hello, Perdicas. Not the smartest way to pay us
a visit.
GABRIELLE
Perdicas!
PERDICAS
I just had to see something.
GABRIELLE
What?
PERDICAS
Your face. I haven't stopped thinking about you
since the last time I saw you. Gabrielle, we've
always been close. You were my closest friend.
And, well, Gabrielle, will you be my wife?
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What have you been doing since you left Troy?
PERDICAS
Fighting. That's all I've been doing, it seems.
After Troy, I wandered into another war. One day,
I killed three men. I started to have dreams about
all the men whose lives I'd taken. I couldn't stand
it. One night I had my dagger at my heart. Then
I saw something.
GABRIELLE
What?
PERDICAS
Your face.
GABRIELLE
Perdicas, I don't know if I'm really who you think
I am. I mean, I fight.
PERDICAS
But you never kill. I know that. Gabrielle, we were
to be married once. And you decided that that
wasn't to be. And you were right. You were right.
I wasn't ready, either. But I am now. I love you,
and if you'll take me, I want you to be my wife.
GABRIELLE
I'm sorry. I, just excuse me, okay?
The barrel's ribbed with iron.
JOXER
Yeah, I know that! That's why I chose it! Anybody
can split an ordinary barrel in two! But, Joxer the
Magnificent chose an iron-ribbed one! You see,
I like the challenge of choosing the hardest opponents, huh?
The toughest, the most vicious opponents.
KID #1
Like them.
JOXER
Right, just - whoa! Whoa! Callisto! Don't make
me hurt you.
CALLISTO
Joxer, the last time I saw you, you wanted to join
my army, and now you want to fight me? Tsk, tsk,
tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. I am so disappointed.
JOXER
Yeah, well I turned good, just like Xena.
CALLISTO
Yeah? Well, I haven't.
JOXER
Oh-
Be a dear, and deliver a message to the good
Xena for me, will you?
JOXER
Sure.
CALLISTO
Tell her this. She should have killed me when
she had the chance. For every drop of innocent
blood I shed, from here on out, is on her hands
as well as mine.
JOXER
Okay.
CALLISTO
Good boy. Come!
Bye.
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So, what's your answer?
GABRIELLE
No, of course.
XENA
Why don't you tell him?
GABRIELLE
I'm waiting for the right time.
XENA
He's a good man.
GABRIELLE
He is. He's so sensitive and kind. You know, I've
never known anyone that I've ever been so comfortable
around. Besides you.
XENA
Look, Gabrielle, if it's me you're worried about,
let me set your mind at rest. Seeing you happy
will make me happy. And if that means settling
down with Perdicas, then...you have my blessing.
Xena! Xena! It's, Callisto! She's out!
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I've missed you, Xena.
XENA
You never wrote.
Ah-h-h! Don't move, Pretty. That sentimental side
of you is a real problem now, isn't it? You fight
with your heart. That gives me advantage over you.
I no longer seem to have one. I'm not gonna kill
you, now, oh, no. First, I'm going to kill your soul,
just like you killed mine. See you soon, my sweet.
Help!
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Help! My baby!
XENA
Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
Thanks!
I can't do this anymore. If you don't wanna come
with me, it's not gonna change the way I feel about
you. I love you more than anything. But I'm done fighting.
I'm going home.
But...
XENA
Where's he going?
GABRIELLE
The answer's yes, Xena. I'm gonna marry him.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
May the winds bring forth also good fortune. May
the same force that molded the beauty of these
rose petals bless your union for eternity.
I love you, Gabrielle. I'm so happy.
GABRIELLE
Oh, Xena.
Congratulations.
PERDICAS
Xena.
Perdicas, congratulations.
GABRIELLE and PERDICAS
Thank you.
JOXER
Xena.
GABRIELLE
Before we go, I need to speak with Xena.
JOXER
I'm sorry.
PERDICAS
Take your time.
Okay.
XENA
Joxer.
JOXER
Huh?
XENA
Take a walk.
JOXER
Oh, right.
Hey, Perdicas.
XENA
I'm so happy for you.
GABRIELLE
I'm gonna miss you, so much.
XENA
Hey, it's not like we'll never see one another again.
I'll visit you all the time.
GABRIELLE
You promise?
XENA
I'll be knocking on your door so often, you'll be
sick of me.
GABRIELLE
Hmm, never.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom! Listen-
GABRIELLE
You know, I think I fell in love with him at Troy.
XENA
No kidding.
GABRIELLE
Huh.
XENA
Gabrielle, I am not going to let you say good-bye.
That's not what this is. We'll see one another
again soon.
Hah, hah.
You ready, sweetheart? Shall we?
Goodbye, Gabrielle.
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You're gonna miss her, aren't you?
GABRIELLE
Yeah. I'm more worried about her missing me,
though. She's gonna be all alone. I have you.
PERDICAS
That makes you happy?
GABRIELLE
Very. I - if we have a daughter, do you think we
can name her-
PERDICAS
Xena? I wouldn't have it any other way.
GABRIELLE
Ah, Perdicas? I've--I've never been with a man,
before. Have you? Been with women?
PERDICAS
Uh, well, I was--I was a soldier, and-
GABRIELLE
I don't need to hear anymore.
PERDICAS
Does that bother you, that I've--I've been
with...other women?
GABRIELLE
A little. But I guess one of us should be good at it.
PERDICAS
Hey, I never said that I was good at it.
Hello, Theodorus. We've been through all this
before. But in case you don't remember the details,
you'll be dead in seconds if you don't tell me
where Callisto is.
THEODORUS
I don't know where she is.
XENA
Wrong answer.
THEODORUS
That's the truth! She left hours ago.
XENA
Come on, Theodorus. She knew I was coming.
She's much too good a hostess not to be here
to greet me.
THEODORUS
I'm telling you the truth. When I told her you were
traveling without Gabrielle, she said, "Perfect,"
and left.
Perdicas, I know what love is, now. It's life. Everything
is united by love alone.
Oh love, love, love, love. Oh, it unites, you're right.
And hate divides. Let's see which one's stronger,
shall we?
What do you want? We're unarmed.
CALLISTO
Good - that makes things simple then, doesn't it?
Perdicas! Perdicas?
Nighty-night.
I long to see you wailing over the body of your friend.
XENA
Well, it's not going to happen.
CALLISTO
Hmm?
No! No! Perdicas.
That'll do.
No, Perdicas! Oh! No! Xena! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, Perdicas.
ACT THREE
That's the last one.
XENA
What do you mean?
GABRIELLE
From here on out, all I want on my hands is
Callisto's blood.
XENA
Gabrielle, leave Callisto to me. You need time
to mourn.
GABRIELLE
I have the rest of my life to mourn. I want to see
her dead.
XENA
Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
In the morning, I'm going after her. Now, the question
is, are you going to come with me, or not?
Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Is it time?
XENA
Yes.
GABRIELLE
I'm ready.
XENA
Gabrielle, when we find her, don't go up against
her one on one. You'll be dead in seconds.
GABRIELLE
If she dies with me, that'll be fine.
XENA
Not with me it won't. Besides, she'd chop you
into little pieces before you even struck a first blow.
GABRIELLE
That's because you never taught me how to use
a sword. Now, that's going to change, right now.
I want a lesson.
XENA
No.
GABRIELLE
Why?
XENA
Because I won't help you destroy all the ideals
that you live by.
GABRIELLE
My ideals were a lie. I thought love was the strongest
power on Earth. What a fool. Love is helpless in
the face of cruelty.
XENA
Gabrielle, if you're taken over by hatred, Callisto wins.
GABRIELLE
I've got news for you, Xena. She's already won.
Now, show me how to use a sword.
XENA
Not a chance.
Xena! Teach me.
XENA
No.
GABRIELLE
Teach me.
Teach me!
Teach me!
I won't do it.
GABRIELLE
Xena, wake up and look around you! The little
innocent Gabrielle is dead, and there's no getting
her back. Just teach me how to use a sword, so,
at least I stand a fighting chance. Please.
XENA
All right, pick it up.
First thing, is that your sword, is not a staff. You
have to learn how to parry so you can look for
an opening. And keep eye contact. That's how
you anticipate the next move.
Okay. Again. Again. Again! I'm gonna kill her. Again!
Teach me. Teach me! Teach me. Again. Again! Teach
me how to kill her, Xena. I'm gonna cut her open
and watch her bleed. I'm gonna kill her, Xena!
Teach me how to kill her.
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A beverage, my Queen.
CALLISTO
You know I don't drink intoxicants, Theodorus.
THEODOUS
I thought maybe just this once.
CALLISTO
No. I like to experience life in all its agonizing glory.
I don't want to dull the sensations in any way.
What?
CALLISTO
You're not falling in love with me, are you?
THEODORUS
And what if I was?
CALLISTO
I'd have to kill you. Love is a trick that nature plays
to get us to reproduce. I want no part of it.
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Where is she? She should be back by now. I'm going.
No, you're not. They're having a party up there. If
we wait until dawn, half of them will be passed
out. And then, I'm going in after Callisto. I found
an unguarded passage.
GABRIELLE
What am I supposed to do?
XENA
Stay here. If Callisto comes out, I won't be far
behind, and don't try and take her on one on one.
I don't think so.
Listen, if you really want Callisto to get what's
coming to her, you do it my way.
If anyone's listening, you know, I'm not much for
praying. But I don't know what else to do. I was
ready to give up once, and--and Gabrielle came
into my life. Please-
-don't let that light that shines out of her face go
out. I couldn't stand the darkness that would follow.
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Xena.
XENA
Yeah?
GABRIELLE
You were right. I need to mourn. I'm going home.
XENA
Yes, yeah, that's the best thing to do. Rest. Grieve.
I'll take care of Callisto, I promise.
GABRIELLE
I know. But, if you don't mind, I think I'll set out
right now.
XENA
Okay.
GABRIELLE
Goodbye.
It's time.
JOXER
You know, Xena, I know you don't think very much
of me, and that's fine. But I care about Gabrielle,
too. And I would do anything to avenge her loss,
including sacrificing my own life.
XENA
You've got a good heart, Joxer, but take my advice,
and keep it far away from Callisto.
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ACT FOUR
No look, you promise me. If something happens
to me, you will not become a monster.
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But you never kill. I know that. I love you.
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Don't let that light that shines out of her face go out.
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I don't understand you. After all I did, you still
can't kill me.
GABRIELLE
I won't take a life, even yours. I'd rather die.
Oh, but you will.
GABRIELLE
Get it over with.
CALLISTO
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm going to make a grand
show of your death. And I'll need an audience
who will truly appreciate it.
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Don't move!
Welcome.
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Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
It's a nice fit, don't you think?
XENA
Don't get too fond of it.
CALLISTO
How are you gonna get out of this one, Xena, hmm?
XENA
It ain't over till it's over.
CALLISTO
Oh, but it will be, soon. You're about to watch the
friendship of your life go up in smoke. Hmm, I envy
her in a way. She gets to leave this life so pure. I
wonder if I could have been her. (to soldiers) Burn her.
Oh, don't bother struggling, Xena. Be thankful for
that beautiful throne. It'll give you peace if you let it.
JOXER
I'm coming, Xena!
What could you possibly have been thinking?
JOXER
I'm here to save my friends.
That's all it'll take.
She's escaping! Don't just stand there, get her!
Run for your lives!
EXTRA
Somebody, stop her!
EXTRA
Run! Get away while you can!
CALLISTO
Oh, how I do love watching you work.
Looks like we're at a standstill. How good are
you at chariots, Xena, hmm?
Get her, Xena!
Yah! Yah!
Yah! Yah! Yah! Get on, yah! Yah! Yah!
Yah! Yah!
XENA
Yah! Yah! Callisto! Yah!
CALLISTO
Yah!
Yah! Yah! Yah!
Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!
XENA
Yah! Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah! Enjoying the ride, Xena?
Want to go faster?
We're both gonna die, Xena. How wonderful. We
can spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus,
together, hmm?
XENA
Always the optimist.
Oh, you're good, Xena.
Xena, help me. Xena! Xena. Please Xena. Help
me, please? You can't just let me die, Xena. Xena.
Xena. I'm counting on you. Help me. Help me!
Help me! Xena!
Oh, honestly, how bad is it?
XENA
Terminal.
JOXER
No, really.
XENA
Not bad. But it'll leave a nice scar.
JOXER
Yeah?
XENA
Yep, Joxer, you're a brave man.
JOXER
Yeah, I mean, yeah. You know, Xena, I was thinking,
a warrior of my quality should let you off the hook.
I'm setting off on my own. I'm sorry.
XENA
I'll live.
JOXER
Joxer, the Good. The Warm Joxer the Valiant.
What were you doing?
GABRIELLE
Loving him.
XENA
He'll hear your thoughts.
GABRIELLE
I know. Forever and ever.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Hudson Leick as Callisto
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Scott Garrison as Perdicus
David Te Rare as Theodorus
Alex Moffat as First Guard
David Scordino as Second Guard
Lance Cheshire as Half Starved Man
Puck Willis as Kid #1
Frederick Bedford as Village Priest
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: T.J. Scott
Episode Dedication: This episode is dedicated to the memory of Michelle Calvert...we're thinking of you.
Disclaimer: Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.
