Ten Little Warlords
This transcript is dedicated to the memories of Kevin Smith and Charles Siebert.
Gabrielle, wake up. It's all right, it's me.
GABRIELLE
Xena, you know, I don't know if I'm gonna get
used to this. It's so weird having your best friend
in the body of your worst enemy. Could you dye
your hair?
XENA
Shh!
GABRIELLE
Hey, it's only a suggestion.
Joxer?!
JOXER
Quick response. Good! Next time I test your
defenses, I'll make even less noise on purpose.
XENA
What are you doing here, Joxer?
JOXER
I'm here to deliver a message for Callisto. I thought
she might be interested. I mean, uh for, uh, Xena,
the, eh... (to Gabrielle) Did you get the hang of this yet?
GABRIELLE
About half the time.
JOXER
Yeah.
XENA
Why would I want Callisto's messages? Burn it.
JOXER
Oh, not this one. How often do you get a personal
invitation from the God of War? Ares sent out ten
scrolls. One of 'em's for Callisto. Ah, I've got it
around here somewhere.
Hey!
GABRIELLE
Is that it?
JOXER
Yeah. Who are you supposed to be? A fierce
warrior trapped in the body of Gabrielle?
XENA
Ares didn't send this invitation. He knows Callisto's
dead and I'm in her body. But, I'd like to know who
did send it, and why.
JOXER
So would I. When do we leave?
XENA
Gabrielle and I leave at first light. With all of the
warlords passing through, Joxer, the people around
here may need you in case a panic breaks out.
JOXER
Yeah, my presence would inspire confidence,
wouldn't it? Well, thanks, Callist--uh, Xena, uh, oh.
GABRIELLE
Relax. Just go with it.
JOXER
Right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's another one. His name's Tegason.
GABRIELLE
And the human wall walking toward him? Who's that?
XENA
Some piece of work, huh?
GABRIELLE
So, what does that make it now? Five so far?
XENA
And these two are bitter enemies. When they
meet, it's like throwing oil on a raging fire.
GABRIELLE
Let's go in there and find out why Ares sent for
them. You could, you could put the pinch on one
of those bastards and just-
XENA
Hey, calm down. Now, let's see what happens.
Yuck. Where were they raised, in a barn?
XENA
Shh. Wait.
Hmm! Some raging fire. Look! They're teaming up.
XENA
I'm gonna follow.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, let's go in there and start kicking some a-
Gabrielle, what, did you sleep on a rock again?
Go get something to eat and try and relax.
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Fishcakes, fishcakes, lovely fishcakes. Six for a
dinar, six for a dinar. Fishcakes, lovely fishcakes
Lovely fishcakes, dearie. Six for a dinar.
GABRIELLE
Fishcakes?
OLD WOMAN
Would you like one?
GABRIELLE
Oh, I'd-
OLD WOMAN
They're really good.
FISHMONGER
They're good, but a little bony. Mine are scrumptious,
and ten per dinar.
GABRIELLE
Ten.
OLD WOMAN
Twelve per dinar, dearie.
GABRIELLE
Twelve.
OLD WOMAN
His are as chewy as seaweed.
FISHMONGER
Hey, she's my cust-
OLD WOMAN
She's my customer.
I wanna fishcake!
No, they're mine!
GABRIELLE
Lady, I was here first!
EXTRA
Ah-h! Put me down! Ah! Ah-h!
EXTRA
I ordered the lobster!
Where's my fishcake?! All right, where's my bargain?!
Who started this? More warlords?
GABRIELLE
No, them.
FISHMONGER
Callisto! Spare us! We don't want any trouble!
GABRIELLE
Her! Huh! Forget about her! Me, on the other
hand. Why, I-
Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Ah! Xena, let me go, I can stop 'em.
XENA
You can't stop everyone. Come on.
All right!
Innocent people turned violent. Bloodthirsty warlords
on their best behavior. What's going on?
GABRIELLE
Barkeep! You got a couple of thirsty customers
over here.
ARES
See what happens when the god of war takes
a holiday? Well, more like, forced retirement.
Hello, Xena! Oh what's the matter? Don't you
recognize an old friend?
XENA
Ares.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Ares, are you telling me you're mortal? I don't believe you.
ARES
Humiliating, isn't it? But what self-respecting
god of war would do this?
That's great, 'cause I've always wanted to slap-
Get away from me!
Oh!
Whoa! Pain. So that's what it's like. Not so bad, really.
GABRIELLE
Hah, you like it, huh? Well, there's plenty more
where that came from. Hey! Hey!
Put some wine on that cloth. Press it to your cut.
Up you go! Who did this to you? Zeus?
ARES
All I know is someone stole my sword. It must
have been while I was...preoccupied with you
and Callisto. The next thing I know, I'm down here.
Exiled, deposed.
GABRIELLE
Ah, you're breaking our hearts.
XENA
Gabrielle, give us some room.
GABRIELLE
Okay, but if you need any back-up, you yell.
Out of my way!
ARES
Not usually so contentious, is she? Damnit, I like
it! Oh, uh, I would've switched you back into your
old body, but, I, uh, lost my sword. Too bad. Not
that you don't wear Callisto magnificently.
XENA
I just hope she's being as good to me in Tartarus.
ARES
Oh, she's behaving.
So, who sent for the ten warlords in your name?
ARES
I don't know. But I'm gonna find out.
GABRIELLE
Hey! Hey! Who do you have to punch to get a
drink around here?!
XENA
Here, take my invitation.
ARES
I don't want your invitation. I want you to help me
get my godhood back.
XENA
And why would I do that?
ARES
Well, I could put you back into your old body. Come
on Xena, you must miss staring into those baby
blues every time you pass a mirror.
XENA
My body doesn't make me who I am, my deeds
do. And I don't plan on letting the God of War back
in business.
GABRIELLE
What is this? Fish fry? Give me the good stuff.
ARES
What do you think's happening to your friend?
To these pathetic villagers? Without a sitting God
of War, peaceful people have lost the self-discipline
to control their anger. Come on, huh?
I rest my case.
Just so you know, you've got thirty s-
If that's true, how come I haven't lost control?
ARES
Hmm! Well, that's the really interesting part. You
see, those who have learned to channel their
anger, just get more and more focused. But people
who have no experience with violence totally lose it.
Hey!
Take this!
XENA
Come on, Gabrielle, let's go.
GABRIELLE
Good idea.
ARES
Oh, you may despise me, Xena. But a godhood
is a sacred trust. Oh, you'd love to live in a world
without war, I know that. But, without me, you're
about to experience a world without peace, for
anyone, anywhere. Now, you just think about that,
Xena! Whoa!
What a loser. Let's get back to the action. What
do you say?
You're right, you know. You can't trust Ares. Now,
there--there are many gods on Mt. Olympus, and
there's got to be one that can help switch you
back into your own body. Of course, you know,
he won't make it, not with those warlords. Hmm!
Who wouldn't want to make their rep by wasting
the God of War? Or ex, or otherwise? I hope that
it's slow and painful, a taste of his own medicine.
XENA
Try and get some sleep.
GABRIELLE
Who can sleep?! Now I know what it's like to be
you! It's--it's exhilarating! Always alert! Ready for
a fight! Trouble could break out anytime!
XENA
Gabrielle, get a grip. You lose control now and
there's no turning back.
GABRIELLE
You seem to be controlling yourself pretty well.
XENA
I've lived with anger longer. Like it or not, it's
part of me.
GABRIELLE
Get your hands off me.
XENA
Do you remember that poem, "Elysian Fields,"
you used to like so much? Every time you feel
angry, I want you to recite it.
GABRIELLE
"Elysian fields, calm and green;
with love-birds singing, so serene."
XENA
Gabrielle, I didn't mean right now.
GABRIELLE
I am boiling mad, right now. At you! I've got this
overwhelming desire to just knock you upsid
your irritating blonde-
I want you to wait here, tomorrow. I'm going with Ares.
GABRIELLE
You're what?
XENA
That's my decision. End of discussion.
Get these buckets out of my way, you filthy scum!
EXTRA
Yes, sir.
Now we have two invitations.
One small rule. Ares insists all weapons be left behind.
TEGASON
What if we're attacked?!
BOAT CAPTAIN
Ares insists. Refuse...you don't sail.
How do we know it's really Ares that sent for us, anyway?
CARUS
Tell us that!
ARES
Why not say who I am. They should pay me the
respect I deserve.
XENA
You wanna find out who's behind all of this, I'd
keep a low profile, if I were you.
VIRILIUS
Callisto. I'd heard Xena sent you to Tartarus.
XENA
Well, as you can see, rumours of my demise
were greatly exaggerated.
SUDOS
I always said Xena was over-rated. Next time I
see her, I'm gonna kick her butt!
If anyone's gonna waste the Warrior Princess,
it'll be me. Understand?
Don't touch my armour, please. This is hand-pounded.
TEGASON
What do you want?
JOXER
I heard you were looking for the world's greatest
warrior. Well, here I am.
You're the greatest, huh? Well, we'll soon find out.
XENA
No, no. He's mine. (to Joxer) I'm glad you're here,
now pretend you're afraid of me and run away.
JOXER
Why?
XENA
You can guard the dock once we're gone.
Just don't hurt me, "Callisto".
Warriors, Ares has prepared a short introduction.
Welcome, I look forward to meeting you all soon.
ARES
That is nothing like my voice.
SISYPHUS
Before sailing, it occurs to me the rules I've set
forth may make sharing close quarters on a crossing
a tad uncomfortable. Let me assure you, the prize
at the end of your journey will more than compensate.
You see, I intend to retire, and name my heir. Yes
One of you will become the new...God...of War.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Naturally, Ares plans on naming me. Play your
hands right, and I'll choose my lieutenants from
one of you.
VIRILIUS
I still say, why would the God of War strip us
of weapons?
TEGASON
There's more to this than meets the eye.
CARUS
I lost track of my kill count years ago, at the siege
of Asponica. That was some battle.
ARES
I personally smashed the gates at Asponica.
That blowhard wasn't even there. If you think the
world has seen bad times before, just wait 'til one
of them gains my mantle.
XENA
Couldn't be anymore heartless than you.
ARES
I was born a god, imbued with the responsibilities
of a god. No mortal who gains possession can
handle the power.
Well, excuse me.
VIRILIUS
Don't expect him to say anything. Last time he
met Xena, her chakram severed his voice box.
XENA
He had a dirty mouth.
You hate her, don't you, Callisto? Well, you'll like this
story. Once beat her so bad, I had her begging for mercy.
XENA
I heard she broke your belt with her chakram,
and you ran away with your behind showing.
Someday...
ARES
You know, there are certain advantages to being
trapped in the skin of a psycho. Looks can kill,
then Callisto has it down to an, ah--art. What is
this infernal throbbing in my head?!
XENA
It's called a hangover. It's the price we mortals
pay for drinking to excess.
ARES
And pray, why, is it called a hangover?
XENA
'Cause, pretty soon you're gonna hang your head
over that rail-
What are you looking at?
VIRILIUS
A pitiful excuse for a warrior.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You and Virilius never met on the battlefield.
XENA
Afraid I haven't had the pleasure.
ARES
He's awesome. Committed, decisive, totally
ruthless. He does me proud. I'd watch out for him.
XENA
Well, I didn't know you cared, Ares. You're so used
to pulling everyone's strings and inflaming their
passions. How does it feel depending on me,
of all people?
ARES
How do you feel? Allying yourself to the best
friend and the worst enemy you've ever known?
What was that?!
XENA
We'll find out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle, you sure Xena wants you following
her to the island?
GABRIELLE
Of course she does. Now, just shut up and go
over there. Way over there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charming.
There's only one person I know that would stage
a sideshow like this. Sisyphus.
ARES
I thought Hades had him pushing a rock uphill
for eternity.
EXTRA
Yeah.
XENA
Yeah, well he's quite an escape artist.
SISYPHUS (voice-over)
Greetings, all.
I see a familiar face who wasn't invited. But
welcome nonetheless, Ares.
VIRILIUS
He's Ares. Then, who are you?
XENA
An impostor. A conjurer with no real powers to fear.
SISYPHUS
The infamous Callisto, what a pleasure it is to
finally meet you. Don't forget, I died and descended
into Hades' domain. I'd say my return is something
more than a mere...parlor trick.
Over here, everyone!
ARES
You stole my godhood!
SISYPHUS
True, but you're free to win it back. If you can. My
offer is simple. While escaping from the Underworld,
Ares' sword just happened to fall into my hands.
Anyone of you may claim it. In return for providing
the new God of War, I shall be granted immortality.
VIRILIUS
I claim the sword. Me. Virilius.
Nice try! I'm afraid the powers-that-be require a
small test. A competition.
TEGASON
What kind of competition?
SISYPHUS
A duel to the death at sunrise with that monster
out there.
It's called the Baracchus.
ARES
The godhood of war is an object of worship. It
shouldn't be put up as a prize in some...silly contest.
SISYPHUS
Oh, I promise you, defeating that monster won't
be silly. You'll all be provided with weapons.
Whoever slays the Baracchus wins Ares' sword.
It's that simple.
XENA
Nothing's ever that simple with you, Sisyphus,
or, so I've heard.
SISYPHUS
Don't try to look for the sword, Callisto. You won't
find it.
Not that anyone was thinking of leaving, but the
boat's gone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah! That's it! Joxer can swim back. That's from
Xena. You think you can go off with Ares, huh?! Yeah.
Joxer? Stop sneaking up on me!
JOXER
Xena told me to guard the dock, and I figured she
meant this one. Now, come on, the castle's back
that way.
The castle is that way. That was the wind, right?
Yeah, sounds like its hungry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six! If somebody kills the Baracchus before me,
I don't even get a turn!
XENA
Anybody has a better system, let's hear it.
VIRILIUS
And what number did you draw, Callisto?
XENA
Number one.
SUDOS
I'm number two, but I won't settle for second prize.
ACT THREE
Come on, get her later.
Gagnon just moved up another five notches.
A spirited exercise. Now, I suggest you conserve
your energies for tomorrow. There's food waiting
for you in your rooms upstairs.
This is getting annoying.
XENA
We gotta find something to bind that wound.
Come on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
See, I told you this drainage pipe would lead
right into the castle.
GABRIELLE
No you wanted to storm the castle. I wanted to
try the drainage pipe. It was me! Me! Me, me, me,
me, me, me, me!
JOXER
You know what? That is so typical of you to say
something like that. What's the matter with you, anyway?!
What is the matter with me is what I might do if
you don't shut up.
Ow! Ow. It came from that way. I think we should
go this way.
GABRIELLE
Oh, no! We go that way.
JOXER
No, no! You're gonna walk right into the monster!
GABRIELLE
Yes! He's really rubbing me the wrong way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, look, the weapons our host promised us.
How generous.
A dagger and a mace, to kill the monster. It doesn't
take an oracle to see that Sisyphus expects us
to use them against each other. Take your shirt off.
What?
ARES
Well, you're in her body but you still have your
touch, warm, firm, passionate, yet, at the same
time, gentle.
Now, Callisto, she's all animal. You know, she
starts like a cold fish, but you press the right
buttons...hold on, it's quite a ride. Mind you, my
experience with her was...rather unique. She was
in your body at the time.
XENA
When I get my body back, I gotta remember to
take a long bath.
ARES
You know, when we were downstairs fighting, I
saw that old sparkle in your eyes, Xena. Even
being in Callisto's body can't hide that. You enjoyed
it. What surprises me is I didn't. You know, it's
always come easily, the--the bloodlust, the hate.
This is the first time I've had to suffer the consequences.
XENA
Spare me, Ares.
ARES
You don't trust me? I can't blame you after all I've
put you through. But a taste of mortality has really
opened my eyes. And, who knows? Once I regain
my sword, maybe things will be...different.
XENA
A kinder, gentler God of War? We both know that's
not gonna happen.
ARES
You changed, why not me? I never lied to you,
Xena. Oh, deceived, manipulated, yeah, but a
god need never lie.
XENA
But that's just it, Ares, you're not a god anymore.
So as much as I'd like to believe you, even if you
believe it, all bets will be off once you get your
godhood back. And that's if you do.
ARES
I think you might be surprised about the change
you can inspire in a man, or a god.
So that's where I put that thing. Sorry for the interruption.
I trust you're not looking for an escape route.
XENA
No, your sword. Knowing Sisyphus, he probably
has it hidden in plain sight.
ARES
Sure you don't want it for yourself? You'd make
a magnificent Goddess of War.
XENA
Forget it, Ares.
How'd you get to be a god anyway? Don't they
have some kind of character requirements?
ARES
You miss the point. For the job I have, my character's
perfect. You know where you would shine? As
Goddess of Desire.
XENA
I said, "Forget it, Ares".
ARES
Well, you'd be back in your old body, and get to
live forever.
XENA
With you? I'd rather die.
This time, I take the feet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll bet he was happy. He died with his sword in
his hands.
Now let's find your sword.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love-birds singing so serene.
We live in peace and love."
Stop doing that.
What did I do?
GABRIELLE
Joxer, it pains me to tell you that, all day long, I
have fantasized about ripping your heart out!
JOXER
You know, you don't have to explain to me what
you're going through. I understand it completely.
Matter of fact, when I was your age-
GABRIELLE
Oh, shut up! Shut up!
JOXER
Hey, it's just that kind of bloodlust I have to deal
with every day on a regular basis.
"To live in peace and love like the gentle-"
JOXER
Whereas, people like you, innocent and sweet,
don't have that kind of bloodlust. Whereas I am
the picture of self-control.
Come back here, you little winged thing. I'm gonna
rip your wings off and mash your little body to
pie-Shh, shh.
You've snapped, haven't you?
JOXER
Come on!
Oh, you want a piece of me? Here, you come one,
you worthless piece of a centaur.
JOXER
Look, let's not try to kill each other until after I slay
the monster, okay?
GABRIELLE
All right, but I can't wait much longer.
JOXER
Neither can I.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's right down this way. Just stick with me. You'll
be all right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone's coming. When the door opens, attack!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There it is. Now, when I open the door, take him
by surprise, and show no mercy.
We were right. They were perfectly matched.
VIRILIUS
Now, they're perfectly dead.
Another new experience. I, uh, I guess it's fear.
XENA
No, that's surprise. You'll know when it's fear.
ARES
Look, Xena, um, if I don't survive 'til morning, you
must claim my sword.
XENA
I told you, I don't wanna be a goddess.
ARES
Just remember the consequences should it
fall to those animals.
XENA
I never thought I'd admit it, but you're the right
man for the job.
SISYPHUS
Too bad. "Callisto, Goddess of War" has a ring
to it, or should I say, Xena? Now, how can you
be in Callisto's body? This must be your doing,
Ares. Well, Xena, I do hope it is you who goes
up against the Baracchus. Oh, and good news,
two more warlords have, "dropped out."
XENA
Which puts you two steps closer to getting someone
else to push that rock in the Underworld. Isn't that right?
ARES
Is that what this so-called contest is really about?
SISYPHUS
No, it's about winners and losers.
Ares, don't!
Thanks for dropping in.
Get me down!
Oh great! Sisyphus, I'm warning you! Xena!
Xena! Do something! The walls are closing! Oh!
ACT FOUR
Are you all right?
I've been hanged, swung over a fire, and nearly
shishkabobbed on razor-sharp spikes, yeah!
How do you mortals get from day to day?! You know?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Give me the sword! I'm gonna waste that monster.
JOXER
No, a warrior never gives up his sword!
GABRIELLE
Oh, knock it off with the warrior crap. Now, give
me the sword!
JOXER
No! (singing) "A warrior's sword is he never gets
bored with-"
GABRIELLE
I can't stand it anymore! Warrior this, warrior that!
Hey!
All right, what's Callisto want?
TEGASON
Careful, it may be a trap.
XENA
It is a trap and Sisyphus has set it. But we can
stop the killing and call a truce.
CARUS
While you slay the Baracchus and win the sword.
I don't think so.
ARES
Don't be fools. Listen to her.
VIRILIUS
Behold, the once-fearsome Ares, Callisto's new
lap-dog. What a pitiful sight.
TEGASON
Enough talk.
CARUS
We decided three against two were better odds.
And two against one, even better.
Next?
XENA
I wouldn't turn my back on your new partner,
Virilius. You can't both be the God of War.
A-ha! Prepare to feel the might of Joxer the
Invincible! My sword, oh.
That's it?! That's the Baracchus?!
JOXER
Suck on this toothpick for a while!
Somebody's gonna pay for this.
Look at me, now!
If I had my sword, I could settle this in a heartbeat.
XENA
I know where Sisyphus hid it.
This is what everyone's looking for.
Strange, this is the first time I've had blood on my hands.
SISYPHUS
Xena, use the sword. Slay Ares before he slays
you, and you win.
XENA
What about that monster, Sisyphus?
The monster's dead! I killed it! Meet Joxer, the
new God of War! You may bow.
Gabrielle, Joxer. What are you doing here?
GABRIELLE
It's a long story. Now Xena, are we gonna fight,
'cause I'm ready. And I wanna taste blood. Now,
forget the monster, it's a big noise-making
thing-a-majig-
-like him!
JOXER
Whatever, I conquered it.
GABRIELLE
Conquer this!
Okay.
XENA
I knew it. All you ever wanted to do is pit warlord
against warlord.
ARES
You wanted my sword for yourself, didn't you?
SISYPHUS
"Send me ten of the very best warriors," Hades said.
ARES
Hades! I'm gonna have a word with him when I
get back to Olympus.
SISYPHUS
"When the last dies and replaces you, then, and
only then, will you win Ares' godhood."
Ares, duck!
You saved me. I won't forget.
XENA
Yes, you will.
He's back.
ARES
Sisyphus, give my regards to Hades.
Couldn't have done it without you, Xena. But as
for mortality, you can have it.
XENA
It's your loss, Ares. For a while, you weren't just
mortal, you were human.
GABRIELLE
Wait a minute. You promised that Xena would
get her body back if she helped you.
ARES
I did, didn't I?
Wait! You can't betray her! Come back!
Oh, Xena.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, Ares is back where he belongs. But you're
still in Callisto's body. It's wrong.
XENA
At least people can control their anger again.
JOXER
Hey! Last one on the boat has to row!
Then, why do I still feel like killing him?
Xena, if Ares doesn't keep his word, and he doesn't
switch you back, I'll be there for you, no matter
whose body you're in.
XENA
Even a snake-haired gorgon monster?
GABRIELLE
I'll be there, I just won't look at you.
XENA
Gabrielle, I'm proud of you. You felt the anger but
you fought it. It takes a lot more strength to resist
the violence, than to surrender to it.
GABRIELLE
Thank you. Now, if I can just survive the boat-ride
with Joxer, I'll be fine.
Trust me, you'll be fine, and so will I.
Xena, it's you, right, not Callisto?
XENA
It's me. Go on, test me?
GABRIELLE
Whose bodies are worse being trapped in
than Callisto's?
XENA
A snake-haired gorgon, but not by much.
GABRIELLE
It is you.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Callisto
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Hudson Leick as Xena
Kevin Smith as Ares
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Charles Siebert as Sisyphus
Bruce Hopkins as Tegason
Chris Ryan as Virilius
Jason Kennedy as Carus
Marcel Kaima as Sadus
John Smith as Boat Captain
Patricia Donovan as Old Woman
Tony Ward as Fishmonger
Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: Charles Siebert
Disclaimer: No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap.
