The Xena Scrolls
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
(Translation) I found it! I found it! I found it!
Here you go, Ma'am.
Hello.
THUG #1
Idiot.
MELINDA
Hello, anybody home?
THUG #1
Someone's coming. Shh!
MELINDA
Hello?!
Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
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Hello. Is anyone home?
THUG #1
Give me the briefcase, now.
MELINDA
Oh, my.
Now, that's no way to treat a lady. Run along now,
boys. I don't have time to play.
She's out of bullets.
Ventilate my hat!
Hah-hah! Hah! Hah-hah! Ah-h!
Now, dance.
Get outta here!
I could've been killed.
JANICE
Who are you?
MELINDA
I'm Mel Pappas, and I'm looking for Dr. Janice Covington.
JANICE
You're Mel Pappas.
MELINDA
Yes, Ma'am.
JANICE
Winner of the nineteen twenty-four Nobel Prize for
anthropology? Dean of the University of South Carolina?
Nice try. Professor Pappas died a year ago.
MELINDA
Well, I know that. I'm his daughter, Melinda Pappas,
Mel, for short.
JANICE
Around here, it's hard to know who to trust. What
do you want?
MELINDA
Well, I was going through my Daddy's records,
and I found an old telegram from you.
JANICE
Yeah. So?
MELINDA
In it, you said you wanted help translating ancient
writings, and--and here I am!
JANICE
I don't think so.
Wait.
How did Smythe's men get in here?
EXTRA
Mmm-mmm.
JANICE
I told you I want a lookout posted around-the-clock.
EXTRA
Mmm. Mmm-mmm. Mmm.
JANICE
Keep an eye out.
EXTRA
Yes, Ma'am.
MELINDA
Who's Smythe?
JANICE
Look, you don't belong here. Now, if you want,
I'll have one of my men take you back to town.
MELINDA
And why did they want to get my briefcase?
JANICE
They must be looking for the tablet. It's the key
to unlocking the tomb we found.
Nikos?
The curse! Help us!
JANICE
Alado! Alado!
There are no curses, it's a knife! They think this
tomb is haunted. Of course, murder isn't real
good for morale, either.
MELINDA
Murder?
JANICE
It sure as hell ain't suicide, sweetheart. Still wanna
hang around, Melinda Pappas?
MELINDA
What's in that tomb that would drive men to murder?
JANICE
The most important archaeological find of the
century. Something that will revolutionize the way
we look at the ancient world. It has the power to turn
myth into history, history into myth. The Xena Scrolls.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
And everyone heard the battle cry of the fair-haired
Xena. Though her dark nemesis fought bravely,
she was still no match for our hero.
MELINDA (voice-over)
Now, wait a minute.
Xena was the dark-haired one. The blonde was
an impostor named Callisto. Well, it's an easy
mistake to make. But the rest goes like this.
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Desperate to save her friend, the great warrior
woman leaped into action.
XENA
Don't panic!
MELINDA (voice-over)
And Xena saved Callisto from the fate she most
desired, her own death.
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Before he died, Daddy taught me to read ancient
syntax. I could be a great help to you in reading
these myths or stories, whatever-
JANICE
History. It's history. That's why it's so valuable.
You know, many people doubt the existence of
the scrolls, even with this proof. My father found
this years ago on another dig site.
MELINDA
Your Daddy was an archaeologist, too?
JANICE
He was the best that ever lived.
MELINDA
Covington. Covington. I don't recall an archaeologist
called Cov...oh, my goodness. You're the daughter
of Harry Covington, the-
JANICE
The grave robber. Yeah, that's what everyone
else called him, why not you?
MELINDA
Well, I'm sure it's just an unfair description.
JANICE
Hah! No, it's right on. He'd sell anything he could
to the highest bidder. But not for greed. Everything
he did was to finance his search for the scrolls.
And now that I'm this close to proving his quest
wasn't in vain, I'm not about to enlist the aid of
some spoiled brat who's trying to live on her
father's reputation.
MELINDA
Just like you're trying to live down your Daddy's reputation?!
JANICE
What did you say?
MELINDA
Nothing. I just mean, that maybe we're both living
in our Daddies' shadows, as different as those
shadows are.
Now, what?
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Go away.
Don't even move.
JACK
I am a friend. If I want, you would be dead, now.
JANICE
How do you figure that, huh? I've got a gun at
your neck.
JACK
I know you was there all the time. I could have
killed you in the blin of an eye.
JANICE
A what?
JACK
Blin, blin.
Don't you speak English? Hmm?
JANICE
Who are you? What do you want?
JACK
Allow me to introduce myself, Dr. Covington. I am
Lieutenant Jacques S'Er, special reconnaissance
division, uh, Free-French Army.
What can I do for you, Lieutenant?
JACK
Well, uh, first, you can introduce me to this charming
beauty. Enchante.
Is there a point to your visit?
JACK
I am here for your protection. You see, the French
government has a vital interest in these scrolls.
They may unlock the secret to ancient mysteries,
powers so strong that it is within the interest of all
decent people to do everything they can
to keep it out of the wrong hands, hmm?
MELINDA
Oh, you mean like the Nazis?
JANICE
Relax! I'd never let those bastards get the scrolls.
JACK
Let us hope not, but it is within your family's
tradition to respond to a, um, healthy financial
offer, huh?
MELINDA
Hey! Janice's Daddy was interested in the truth
about the scrolls and nothing else! And so is Janice.
JACK
Hmm.
JANICE
How did the French government find out about
my scrolls?
JACK
Well, we French are students of ah, archaeology,
and we know that there are powerful secrets within
the scrolls with regard to, um, the deep dark
secrets of the gods.
SMYTHE
Covington!
Look what I've got. The key.
JANICE
You can't decipher it, Smith.
SMYTHE
That's Smythe. No, I can't, but you can. If you help
me, I'm willing to offer a nice payday.
JANICE
I'm not interested in your money.
SMYTHE
Oh! Come now, the daughter of Harry Covington
not interested in money? Don't make me giggle.
I'll pay you a hundred thousand American dollars.
JANICE
That's a lot of moolah.
SMYTHE
Ah.
JANICE
Maybe we can do business after all. (to Melinda)
Guess it's in my blood, honey. (to Smythe) Show
me what you got. This could be the ticket. Shall
we try it out?
SMYTHE
Bring her friends along.
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Come on.
JACK
We French make love, not war. But in your cases,
I'll make an exception.
JANICE
This tablet's a fake.
SMYTHE
Why? What's wrong?
MELINDA
No, no, that's not a fake. Look, first ruby, then
emerald. Here, let me try.
I like her. Pretty and smart.
JANICE
Had to stay and help, didn't you?
SMYTHE
So, playing games, are we? Well, if you don't
like my money, I have other plans. Hmm.
Ladies first.
JANICE
What a gentleman.
JACK
But, of course.
JANICE
Not you, idiot.
MELINDA
It's dark.
ACT TWO
Where's Smythe?
JANICE
He got what he deserved.
MELINDA
Wow! Some great battle was fought here. I don't
know why, but I get the feeling that this was the
site of some titanic struggle between good and
evil. Hah. Oh.
"All ye who enter beware the rock of the God of War."
JANICE
Legend has it Xena and Ares were bound by
some deep bond.
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By the gods, you are a beauty. You must know,
I've missed you.
XENA
What do you want?
ARES
I want you back, of course. My Warrior Princess living
as my Warrior Queen. We were once a great match.
XENA
I didn't know any better then. I thought your ways
were all there was for me.
ARES
I think you'd be more comfortable in this. Now
that you do know there is another side to life, now,
tell me, are you really having more fun these days?
XENA
I'm fighting for a better world.
ARES
My dear Xena, you were always fighting for a better
world. You were going to conquer it and then you
were going to rule it.
JACK (voice-over)
Ares' tomb.
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The natives very well may have been right. This
place could be cursed.
MELINDA
Well, it was kind of funny that that rock slide
happened just as we came in.
JANICE
There are no curses.
JACK
That is where you are wrong. You see I, for one,
am cursed with a certain personal magnetism.
And once, when on a mission to Egypt for the
French Secret Service, I came across a curse
so horrible, that, um, only a man of my training
and expertise could have faced it and lived.
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Wait a minute.
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I saw that movie.
JACK
Yes, of course, I must have confused it with my
real battle against the supernatural.
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Excuse me, but-
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-that was a movie, too.
JACK
Yes, but who do you think gave them the idea?
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What do we do now?
JANICE
We find the scrolls and get out of here. Don't touch
anything that looks suspicious. These tombs are
set with booby-traps to stop thieves.
JACK
Mmm-mmm.
Ooops! Well, it didn't look suspicious.
JANICE
Sit down and stay out of my way'll find the scrolls myself.
Dr. Covington, come here! Look what I found!
JANICE
I said, sit down and don't talk. (to Jack) This stone,
look for some kind of release.
Oh, my. Did you ever hear about Xena's true love,
Marcus? It's so romantic.
JACK
Listen, we are busy. We don't have time for the
love story.
MELINDA
But, this is so much more.
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Xena swam to the Underworld because her love
Marcus called for her.
XENA
Marcus, oh, it feels so good to hold you. Marcus!
MELINDA (voice-over)
Evil had taken control, and innocent soldiers
suffered. But Xena fought for good.
MARCUS
Xena! Hurry!
MELINDA (voice-over)
They held immortality in their hands. But Xena
did not give in to temptation, even though it meant
saying goodbye to the man she loved.
HADES
You must go now, Xena. Marcus is in the Elysian
Fields forever. Now, say good-bye.
MARCUS
Keep thinking of me.
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You know, you move me with the story of love.
Ah, well, that is.
JANICE
The scrolls! He was right! All those years of people
doubting him. And I'm gonna prove him right
with this discovery.
Well, I'm sure I'm very happy for your Daddy and
you. But, wouldn't you say it's our little discovery?
JANICE
If you even think that I'm gonna give you credit
for leading me-
JACK
Listen, who cares who gets the credit? Why don't
we pick up these little pieces of paper and get
out of here?
What's this?
JACK
Hah? Don't know. Necklace, something. Who cares?
JANICE
The chakram. Xena's most powerful weapon.
Why don't you give me a try?
JANICE
If I can't do it, you can't.
I loosened it for you.
You can hang onto it 'til we get the rest of the scrolls.
Let's get outta here. Where'd she go?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looking for this?
Oh, my.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Hold it, Smythe! Fire that gun and you'll create a
rock slide that'll bury all of us alive.
JACK
Yes, all of us. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oooh!
SMYTHE
Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
JANICE
Not this time.
Get the girl!
JACK
All right. Don't tell me what-
JANICE
Move!
SMYTHE
Apprehend her.
Release her! Release her!
Move!
JACK
Come now, Mademoiselle.
MELINDA
Quit pulling me.
Ah-ah-ah-ah. Rock slide.
Mm-hmm. We will be safe in here.
Qu'est-ce qu c'est? What did I tell you? This place
is cursed.
JANICE
There are no curses. This was obviously a case
of dormant embers being hit by oxygen, resulting
in spontaneous combustion.
JACK
What?! Embers don't lie dormant for thousands
of years! Obviously, some sort of curse. What are
we going to do? I know. We'll stand with our rear
ends facing each other. That'd, no. Curses don't
know fronts from rears. We'll counter-curse it.
You must know some kind of a curse. My grandmother,
she was a witch, um, boil, boil! No. There's no
oxygen in here. I can't breathe! I'm starting to
panic uncontrollably!
Pull yourself together, man!
Enough games. I want the scrolls and the
chakram now.
MELINDA
Shazam!
Mel!
Mmmmm! Ahh. That feels good.
JACK
Would you mind slapping me again? I'm hallucinating.
ARES
I've been expecting you. Welcome to the prison
that has held me for centuries.
SMYTHE
Oh! Ah, excuse me, my good fellow. I think you'll
find that this tomb is mine.
ARES
Go ahead, take your best shot.
SMYTHE
Ah. Eliminate him.
Huh? Huh?
Who are you?
ARES
The last sight you'll ever see.
My God.
JACK
Fear not, ladies. I shall not go down without a
fight. Did I not tell you, that I was captain of my
boxing team in my division? (to Ares) Ah, you like
it? Oh, you're not ready for the duck, duck, weave, huh?
ARES
Oh, please. Does the brush salesman from New
Jersey think he can defeat the God of War?
JANICE
Ares. (to Jack) Brush salesman?
Ah I, uh, I li...I mean, ah-
I lied.
Ow, ow.
Ow! How are ya? Jack Kleinman, Victory Brush
Company, Hoboken. I tried to enlist to fight the
Fuhrer, but I got four fed, you dig? So I came here
to fight the Nazi bastards, so they wouldn't get
the scrolls.
JANICE
How did you find out about the scrolls.
ARES
My guess is from the family tradition passed
down from ancient times.
JANICE
You're related to Xena?
JACK
Well...
No, no, not Xena.
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You wanna fight, huh? Fine with me. You made
me mad, now, little girl. You've just made a serious
mistake. You broke my crossbow! That does it.
I'm gonna rip you apart with my bare hands!
Hah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
ARES (voice-over)
His kind gives warriors a bad name.
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I see you've kept your family's reputation for
undiluted idiocy intact. For thousands of years, my
spirit has been trapped here in this tomb, waiting
for a certain someone to claim the chakram and
make it whole. Now, I am flesh again and it feels
so good!
JANICE
What do you want from us?
ARES
A simple favour. It is written that only a descendant
of Xena can release me back into the world. I
want out.
JANICE
Of course, I'm a descendant of Xena. You
can forget it, Ares. The world doesn't need any
more of you.
ARES
Silly girl. I don't need you.
JANICE
You just said-
ARES
Oh, you are related to someone in the scrolls,
but it's not Xena.
JANICE
Who?
ARES
I'll give you a hint. Think irritating blonde.
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You want it? Come and get it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wrong blonde.
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You all right?
GABRIELLE
I'm great. I--I can't see, but I'm good.
XENA
Try using both eyes.
GABRIELLE
Ah. Oh yeah, that's better, uh-huh.
XENA
Think you can stand?
GABRIELLE
You mean, I'm not?
XENA
Come on! There you go.
GABRIELLE
By the gods!
XENA
What is it?
GABRIELLE
You are beautiful!
XENA
Uh-huh.
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Ah, heir apparent. It's time, Melinda. Release
me and I will regain all my powers, my godhood.
If the world thinks it knows death and destruction
now, wait 'til they get a load of me!
Think again, Ares.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
Xena, it's been too long.
Not long enough. (to Jack and Janice) Get outta here.
JACK
Let's blow. Come on!
Tsk! Oh, I'm in your blood. You know you can't
fight me.
XENA
Ares, the answer is no.
ARES
Why don't you just give me what I've wanted for centuries?
Enjoy.
ARES
You can run, Xena! But you can't hide.
You all right?
JANICE
Yeah.
XENA
Good.
JANICE
You are Xena.
XENA
Yeah.
JANICE
Melinda is your descendant. How could I think it
was me? My father's a thief. My mother, she ran
out on us. And I'm related to the useless tag-along,
Gabrielle.
XENA
Now, you listen to me. Gabrielle was never useless.
She cared for others more than herself.
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Terreis! Hold on.
XENA (voice-over)
She was the finest friend anyone could ever have.
XENA
No, no. Come on, Gabrielle. Come on, come on.
Don't leave me. Don't you leave me! Don't leave
me! Don't leave me! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
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You make her sound important.
XENA
She is to me. Be proud you're part of her family.
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I am.
XENA
Gabrielle, I want you to understand something.
We both have families we were born into. But
sometimes families change, and we have to
build our own. For me, our friendship binds us
closer than blood ever could.
GABRIELLE
For me, too.
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I've gotta get back there, put Ares back where he belongs.
JANICE
Could you use some help?
XENA
Come on.
Hey! Hey!
What, were you two Janes just going to leave
me in there?
XENA
No, that'd be awful. People are trying to rest in there.
JACK
Yeah, 'cause...funny.
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Wait here.
Xena, nice of you to show up. Now, release me
or, uh, they die.
XENA
There's no room in this world for you anymore, Ares.
ARES
Oh, you're wrong. The world's become a glorious
place. The weapons more lethal. The people
more hateful. And there's a new leader. A lot of
vision, a lot of potential. His name is Hitler. With
my help, he's gonna make a lot of positive changes.
The eye of Hephaestus, it holds me here. You
strike it with your chakram and set me free. You
have no choice, Xena. Do it!
All right, but you're not going anywhere 'til they're safe.
ARES
Of course. I'm a god of honour.
Hmm? What the? Ball!
I'm way ahead of you, Xena.
Yes! Freedom! Later.
It is later, Ares.
ARES
Not now, Xena.
This has been fun, but, really.
You never give up, do ya?
(to Janice and Jack) Get outta here, run!
You could'a had it all, but now I'm mad.
Both of you at the same time? Why not?
Oh, Doc, the door!
JANICE
Run!
JACK
I can't hold it!
JANICE
Run!
Oh, my.
Doc! The door! Let's blow!
JANICE
Come on!
ARES
No!
This'll keep Ares busy for a while. Sayonara, sucker!
All right, Jack. You wanna join me on my next dig?
JACK
Sorry, sweety, I got things. You know...things.
(to Melinda) Don't say it, baby. You're something
else. You're a swell-looking tomato with a nice
set of gambs, but baby, I gotta go. Dig?
Yeah, I dig.
JANICE
You were right.
MELINDA
I was, about what?
JANICE
We were both living in our father's shadows.
MELINDA
Well, maybe it's time that we both stepped out
into the world and showed them what we can do.
JANICE
Together?
MELINDA
Well, not if you don't want to.
JANICE
Come on. You can give me a hand.
Then they start this chanting, right? "Kanda, kanda."
I'm not married to her. "Kanda, kanda," right? Then
this big, worm-eaten, scary dude comes out from
behind and goes, "Rah!"
ROBERT
Done it.
TED
Okay. Okay. Rob, dude, man, I mean listen. I gotta
go to Warner's in an hour with this, and I might
have to give this thing to 'em, you know?
ROBERT
Then go. Tell Bugs I said "Hello".
TED
Uh, all right, listen. Dude, I wasn't even gonna
show this to you. All right.
These are the scrolls, man.
ROBERT
Scrolls? What scrolls?
TED
The Xena Scrolls. It's about this guy, Joxer. These
were in my grandfather's attic, and he had 'em
translated, dude. I mean, listen. We don't have to
make this thing like big budget, you know? We
can shoot this in a third-world country, using the
locals. And for the lead guy, Joxer, I'm thinking
Matt LeBlanc, if he's available, you know? It's
good, I like it's good. You...what do you think?
ROBERT
Pretty interesting stuff. Tell me more about this Xena.
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She was Xena, a mighty princess, forged in the
heat of battle.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Melinda Pappas
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Renee O'Connor as Janice Covington
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Jack Kleinman
Ted Raimi as Himself
Kevin Smith as Ares
Mark Ferguson as John Smythe
Ajay Vasisht as Nikos
Reza Nijad as Local
Campbell Rocsselle as Thug #1
Robert Tapert as Himself
???????????? as Narrator
Teleplay by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Story by: Robert Sidney Mellette
Directed by: Charlie Haskell
Disclaimer: No Hollywood Producers were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
