Ulysses
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Charles Siebert.
Isn't it beautiful?
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Yeah, it's all right.
GABRIELLE
It's all right? You have to learn to smell the flowers.
XENA
What flowers?
GABRIELLE
That's an expression. You have to enjoy the peaceful
moments in life. You know, everything can't be an
adventure all the time. Like right now. I want you
to close your eyes, and just listen.
XENA
To what?
GABRIELLE
To nature speaking to us. It'll give you a wonderful
sense of peace. Close your eyes.
What do you hear?
XENA
Seagulls.
GABRIELLE
Okay, now, what do you, what do you feel when
you think of seagulls?
XENA
I feel irritated because they're so noisy.
GABRIELLE
What else do you hear?
XENA
Ahh, the sea.
GABRIELLE
Okay, now what do you, what do you think of when
you hear the peaceful grandeur of the sea?
XENA
I think how glad I am to be on dry land.
You're so practical! Because, Xena, the sea is
a beautiful expression of nature.
XENA
Mmm.
GABRIELLE
Now, I want you to concentrate on the sound of
the waves beating against the shore, and I want
you to have a sense of peace! All right?
XENA
Okay. I'll try.
What do you feel?
The sea makes you draw your sword.
XENA
No, but the sound of a battle does!
Three against one.
Aren't we gonna help him?
What are you doing?
XENA
Ah, following your advice.
GABRIELLE
What do you mean?
Just smelling the flowers.
GABRIELLE
Smelling the flowers. That's good.
Okay, now we help him.
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Keep them down!
Name's Xena.
ULYSSES
Ulysses. Thanks for the help.
XENA
Ahh, it's my pleasure.
ULYSSES
Grab on.
Get on!
EXTRA
Come on.
GABRIELLE
Go on! Creep!
XENA
Those guys don't like you very much, Ulysses.
ULYSSES
They don't even know me. They owe their allegiance
to someone who doesn't want me to reach my kingdom.
XENA
And where is your kingdom?
ULYSSES
Ithaca.
GABRIELLE
You're that Ulysses? He's the king of Ithaca.
XENA
Oh.
GABRIELLE
I've--I've heard it's a very beautiful island.
ULYSSES
It is. But I'm afraid it won't be for very long.
GABRIELLE
Why?
ULYSSES
Those pirates we were fighting have been promised
it as their spoils if they should keep me from reaching
home. If they get control of Ithaca, they'll turn it
into a wasteland.
XENA
Well, I think we've just proved that they can be beaten.
ULYSSES
Yes, but their lord is much more formidable.
XENA
We've been up against some pretty formidable
guys ourselves.
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
ULYSSES
Not like this one.
ACT ONE
Xena, stay out of this. My nephew, Ares, has a
fondness for you. I won't be as patient with you
meddling in my affairs.
XENA
What have you got against Ulysses, Poseidon?
POSEIDON
He blinded my son, Polyphemus.
XENA
(to Ulysses) You blinded a Cyclops? I've done
the same, myself.
POSEIDON
What was that?!
XENA
Poseidon, if you've heard about my dealings with
Ares, you'll know that I'm not afraid of the gods.
This man is the rightful ruler of Ithaca, and I plan
to help him get home!
POSEIDON
Ulysses, don't let this woman die in a lost cause.
There's nothing left for you in Ithaca, now that
you're wife's dead. Give up hope of ever seeing
your homeland again and start a new life.
ULYSSES
Never Poseidon! Ithaca needs me. And I won't
leave it to the mercy of your pirates.
POSEIDON
Then, so be it. Ithaca is an island. The only way
to reach it is through my domain, the sea. You'll
both feel its deadly power. Have a nice voyage.
This cave has been my home since the pirates
captured my ship and killed the last of my crew.
XENA
How did you come to blind Polyphemus?
ULYSSES
On the way back from Troy, we stopped at
Polyphemus' island.
XENA
That doesn't sound wise.
ULYSSES
We needed food. We were hungry. Unfortunately,
so was that one-eyed monster.
XENA
Huh.
GABRIELLE
He tried to bite off more than he could chew, I
take it.
ULYSSES
Yep. I definitely wasn't on his diet.
XENA
First thing we need to do is get your ship back.
ULYSSES
They're keeping it in a harbor not far from here.
I'll get the rest of my things, and we can move on.
XENA
Ulysses, there's something you should know.
At Troy-
ULYSSES
You fought with the Trojans against us.
XENA
My only interest there was to stop the war and
help my friend, Helen.
ULYSSES
That war was madness. Ten senseless, bloody
years. It's behind me, now. The only enemies I
recognize today are those who stand between
me and Ithaca. I welcome your help.
What a man.
XENA
Well.
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Good move. If I was the enemy, though, your
friend would be dead.
XENA
Wrong. I heard you when you moved behind that
oak, there. If you'd have moved toward her, I would
have adjusted. How's it look with the ship?
ULYSSES
It's swarming with pirates. They're heavily armed,
have several lookouts, and the advantage of
position. It should be a cakewalk for us.
XENA
Wait until dawn?
ULYSSES
I was thinking the same thing, myself.
XENA
Poseidon mentioned your wife. I'm sorry, it's--it's...
ULYSSES Mmm, don't be. I haven't had the chance to talk
to anyone about it. She must have set out in search
for me. Poseidon trapped her in a storm and
destroyed her ship. Several fishermen told me
they saw the wreck, that there was no chance for
survivors. It's funny, the--the last time I saw her,
she was a child, only seventeen when we fell in
love and married. Then I went off to fight at Troy.
I think of her all the time.
XENA
You'll find love again, Ulysses.
ULYSSES
Maybe.
I'm thirsty.
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EXTRA (voice-over)
Get a man on the poop deck!
EXTRA (voice-over)
Tie up that sail!
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On the boat.
Check the rigging!
EXTRA
Yes sir.
GABRIELLE
Hey, boys!
Ooh! Look at that!
You know where I can find any real men?
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I like that.
EXTRA
Turn around.
EXTRA
Over here!
EXTRA
Turn around!
Oh, oh, yeah!
Yeah, come here, baby.
Oh, sorry! Oh!
EXTRA
So, you like it rough, do you?
GABRIELLE
Love it!
Hey, boys. I want in on the fun, too.
EXTRA
Xena!
EXTRA
Xena!
EXTRA
Get her!
Swim for it!
Hey, baby, now I've got'cha!
XENA
Ulysses, no!
Prepare to die!
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
EXTRA
Prepare to die, Ulysses!
It's not bad.
ULYSSES
Easy for you to say.
XENA
You didn't need to do this. I would've gotten it
with my chakram.
ULYSSES
Now you tell me.
I'm gonna have to push this all the way through.
It's gonna hurt.
ULYSSES
As if it hasn't been hurting up to now?
That'll wake you up in the morning!
Where do you think you're going?
ULYSSES
I have to free the sail and man the helm, or we'll
run aground or worse.
XENA
I'll tie off the wheel. That'll keep us on course
until you get your legs back.
ULYSSES
You can sail a ship, too?
XENA
I have many skills.
What a woman.
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I'd like to see that chakram in action. I've never
seen one before.
XENA
Yeah, I guess it's unique to me.
ULYSSES
I have something like that back home in Ithaca,
a weapon only I can use.
XENA
What is it?
ULYSSES
A bow.
XENA
A bow? What's so special about it?
ULYSSES
It's made of the hardest ironwood. It's so powerful
it can send an arrow through three warriors.
XENA
Mmm. I sure hope that doesn't get into the
wrong hands.
ULYSSES
I wouldn't worry about that. I'm the only one who
can string it.
XENA
Sounds like a good safeguard. But why'd you
leave it in Ithaca?
ULYSSES
It's an ancient heirloom of my family. Tradition
forbids ever taking it from the island.
XENA
Mmm.
ULYSSES
For someone who's so good at splitting heads,
you have a very gentle touch.
XENA
Like I said-
ULYSSES
Yeah, I know. You have many skills. And I appreciate
you using them on my behalf. I'll drop you off at
the next port and be on my way.
XENA
You need a crew, don't you?
ULYSSES
I'll recruit a couple of local adventurers. I've rigged
this ship so that a crew of three can man her.
XENA
By my count, you have three now.
ULYSSES
I couldn't ask you to-
XENA
You didn't.
ULYSSES
We'd be going up against a god. Your friend-
Goes where Xena goes.
XENA
I learned a long time ago not to try and leave her
out of anything.
GABRIELLE
Besides, I've always wanted to see Ithaca.
XENA
Of course, if you don't want us to come...
ULYSSES
No, I want you to come.
GABRIELLE
I have this funny feeling in my stomach. I guess
it's what they call seasickness, huh? It'll pass.
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This is Ithaca and this is where we are. We'll be
out on the open sea for several days. Poseidon
will hit us with everything he's got. Every time
I've tried to run that gauntlet, the storms were so
bad, I had to...
...turn back.
Why don't we move along this chain of islands
here and then we can leapfrog from island-to-island
and shelter from the storms.
ULYSSES
Well, that'd be perfect, except we'd have to pass
the island of the Sirens.
GABRIELLE
Sirens? Their song is said to call all men who
hear it to their death on the rocks of the island.
XENA
All men. I'm not a man.
ULYSSES
Yeah, I've noticed. So, do you think you can get
us past the Sirens?
XENA
Yeah, I do.
GABRIELLE
Hmm. I think I'll get some fresh air. This bobbing
up and down in one place is kind of getting to
me. Ahh. Yeah. Once we get on the high seas,
I'm gonna feel much better. Yep.
Is she going to be all right?
XENA
Oh, yeah.
ULYSSES
Right.
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That's better.
side of the boat and throws up again. Xena moves
over to her.
Hey, Gabrielle, how's it hanging? Yep, the peaceful
grandeur of the sea sure has a kick to it, doesn't
it? Maybe you should just close your eyes and
smell the seagulls.
GABRIELLE
Xena, I will remember that, in my moment of
misery, you chose levity rather than sympathy.
XENA
A-ah, don't lose your sense of humor. You're
gonna need it in rough seas.
GABRIELLE
This isn't rough?
ULYSSES
Look! Poseidon's about to hit us with some
serious weather! It's going to get rough by nightfall!
GABRIELLE
Ah-h, Xena? Would you mind knocking me unconscious?
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Gabrielle is tossed about.
ULYSSES
the islands for cover!
Ah, what are you doing?
Whoa!
XENA
Tying you up!
ULYSSES
All right, I'm game. What do you have in mind?
Ow!
XENA
Saving your life. I told you I'd get you past the
island of the Sirens, didn't I?
Please, kill me.
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Sirens, listen to me. Ulysses is approaching.
You know what you're to do?
1ST SIREN
Yes, my lord.
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You hear it?
It's so beautiful. I must go to it. They're calling
me...to ecstasy.
GABRIELLE
Think of something else, Ulysses like discus-throwing.
Gabrielle, please, undo me. I have to go.
GABRIELLE
I don't think that's a good idea.
Ulysses, what are you doing?
Ulysses.
Ulysses, no!
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Don't listen to them!
ACT THREE
Xena?
(to Gabrielle) Did I do that?
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
ULYSSES
I'm so sorry.
GABRIELLE
No, no, no, no. Don't--don't apologize. It was
good for me. The fear that my leg was broken
took my mind off my stomach...for a while.
You saved us all.
I was just about to bring you something to eat.
ULYSSES
Don't tell me you're good with food, too.
XENA
Well, if it's possible to mess up bread and cheese,
I probably did.
ULYSSES
Well, that's all right, 'cause I have a great cook
in Ithaca.
XENA
Oh.
ULYSSES
I mean, if you're planning on staying on in Ithaca
for any time, I'll make sure that you and Gabrielle
are well fed. So, do you think you might be staying
on for a while?
XENA
Well, I don't want to get in the way of your homecoming.
ULYSSES
No, you wouldn't. You'd be the best part about it.
Xena, I don't know how to say this. And I'm sure
I'm gonna say it all wrong. I mean, I haven't known
you very long, and yet, in the short time that, I feel
that we've sp...I think I'm falling in love with you.
I know I'm moving fast, but I've never felt like this
about any woman. Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
What about my wife?
I was just a boy when I was with her. And we
were both very shy. I felt like I never really knew
her. Sometimes at Troy when I would think of her,
I'd wonder if it was her I loved so much, or my
ideal of her.
XENA
No, I'm sure she was very special.
ULYSSES
She was. Very. Yet, with you I feel like I've known
you all my life. Do you think I'm crazy?
XENA
I don't know.
She believes that everyone has a soul mate on
earth made just for them.
ULYSSES
Yes. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Like I've found
my soul mate.
So, do you think you might want to stay on in
Ithaca for a while, and see how things turn out?
XENA
I don't know. I'd have to think about it.
ULYSSES
Of course. Of course I, uh, I better get back to
the helm. Why don't you get some rest?
Feeling any better?
GABRIELLE
No, but I've gotten used to being miserable. Xena,
you know it's pretty obvious how he feels about
you. How do you feel about him?
XENA
You don't sleep as sound as I thought.
GABRIELLE
It's this torture chamber.
XENA
Well, sometimes on ship it helps to lie on your stomach.
GABRIELLE
Now, hey, don't change the subject. I need to know. Promise me one thing?
XENA
What?
GABRIELLE
You'll follow your heart and don't worry about me.
XENA
You're part of my heart.
GABRIELLE
Xena, do you remember what you told me
when--when Perdicus asked me to marry him?
You said that seeing me happy would make you
happy. I feel the same way.
XENA
Gabrielle, you've been so good for me. I don't
think I would ever have let myself feel the way I
feel now about Ulysses if it wasn't for you teaching
me how to love.
GABRIELLE
Did you say love?
XENA
Yeah, I guess I did.
GABRIELLE
I guess we'll be staying on awhile in Ith-
ULYSSES
Ithaca. Ithaca!
Land! Thank the gods!
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I'm home.
Ah! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Dry land. Ah-h-h.
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See that hill? My friends and I would play king of
the mountain there. I remember it being so much
bigger. And look, look at this tree. I carved that
when I was five.
XENA
Oh.
GABRIELLE
What is it?
ULYSSES
It's an eagle. It was my favorite animal growing up.
XENA
It looks more like a fish to me.
ULYSSES
Hey, I was five. Funny, nothing seems quite the same.
the battle.
Stop him.
Hey!
Run! Come on!
ULYSSES
Hello, Meticles.
METICLES
I'm sorry, I don't...Ulysses? Can it really be you?
Are you a ghost?
ULYSSES
Not yet. I'm flesh and blood, my friend!
We heard you were dead. Thank the gods you're here!
XENA
The gods have nothing to do with it.
ULYSSES
Meticles, these are my friends, Xena and Gabrielle.
Meticles grew up with Penelope and I. We were--we
were as close as three people could be. What's
the matter, my friend? A few hard knocks make
you cry?
METICLES
It's a tear of joy, Ulysses. I'm so happy you're
back to reclaim your kingdom, be reunited with
your wife.
ULYSSES
My wife? But, Meticles, Penelope is dead.
METICLES
No, Ulysses, I saw her just an hour ago. She's
sad, but, very much alive.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
METICLES
Your home isn't what it used to be, Ulysses. It's
swarming with pirates. They call themselves
suitors to Penelope.
ULYSSES
Suitors?
METICLES
Yeah. Everyone here believes you're dead, just
as you believed Penelope was dead.
ULYSSES
This is all Poseidon's work. He obviously wanted
Penelope and I to give up hope of ever seeing
each other again. The fishermen who told me
of her death must have done so at his bidding.
METICLES
Ulysses, you must act quickly. The pirates have
created such chaos in the kingdom that the people
are clamoring for Penelope to take a husband.
ULYSSES
Do you remember the old moat?
METICLES
Of course.
ULYSSES
Does it still lead under the castle?
METICLES
I don't know. There's been a lot of cave-ins, lately.
XENA
Let's check it out.
Penelope, our lord, Poseidon wishes one of us
to be the lawful ruler of Ithaca. You will choose
who that will be, now.
The first man who can string this bow will be my king.
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Gabrielle, the servants' quarters are up these stairs.
GABRIELLE
Okay.
ULYSSES
Grab some robes.
ULYSSES
Xena, there's something I want to tell you.
XENA
Ulysses-
ULYSSES
I've spent the last ten years wanting to come
home to my beloved Ithaca. But, I realize now,
it's not my home anymore. The little boy that used
to play here died a long time ago. I'm a man, now.
XENA
What are you getting at?
ULYSSES
I don't love Penelope. I don't know if I ever did. I
love you, more even than my homeland. It's not
my kingdom anymore. It's hers. When we clean
these pirates out of Ithaca, I'd like to travel with
you and Gabrielle.
XENA
I'm sorry, Ulysses. I should have been more
honest with you the other day.
ULYSSES
What do you mean?
XENA
I'm not in love with you. I don't think I ever could
be. I like my life the way it is.
ULYSSES
I don't believe you. I think you are in love with me.
XENA
Well, isn't that just a typical man? I give you a few
smiles and a kiss, and you're convinced that I'm
in love with you. You're kidding yourself. I was
embarrassed with all that mush you were spewing
the other night. The only reason I didn't shoot
you down right then is because I didn't think you
could handle it. So let me lay it on the line for you,
Ulysses, you're not my type.
I uh...
GABRIELLE
I understand.
XENA
He needs to decide whether he wants to stay
here without thinking about me. He deserves a
clean homecoming, and so does she.
GABRIELLE
What if he decides he doesn't want to stay here?
XENA
Well, after what I just said to him...
GABRIELLE
Xena, eventually he'll understand what you were
doing. He's very smart.
XENA
Yeah, he is. Well, who knows? Maybe the three
of us could do some good.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, we could.
XENA
We got work to do.
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That's fine.
EXTRA
You can do better.
EXTRA
Not me.
Argus? Go away, old boy.
This is impossible. No one but Ulysses can
string this bow and he's dead.
I can do it.
A peasant? String Ulysses' bow? I doubt that.
ULYSSES
It's been said that anyone who can string the bow
becomes king of Ithaca. Why can't we peasants
get a chance?
EXTRAS
Yeah!
LAYOS
All right, take a try, but just you.
This is one of your tricks. How can a peasant
string Ulysses' bow?
ULYSSES
Because I am Ulysses, King of Ithaca.
EXTRA
Ulysses?
PENELOPE
Ulysses?
EXTRA
He's alive!
EXTRA
But not for long!
It must be Ulysses!
EXTRA
Kill him!
Ulysses.
ULYSSES
Penelope.
Come on, Gabrielle.
That'll hold!
XENA
All right, let's set sail!
EXTRA
Aye-aye, Xena!
ULYSSES
Hello, Xena.
XENA
Hello, Ulysses.
ULYSSES
Xena, I wanna come with you.
XENA
Ulysses-
ULYSSES
Now, enough with the tough talk. I now know
what you were doing when you said those things.
You were giving me a fair chance to get back with
Penelope, and I'm--I'm afraid it backfired. When
I figured out what you were doing, I--I loved you
more than ever.
XENA
What about Penelope?
ULYSSES
I don't love her, anymore.
XENA
Does she love you?
She does.
ULYSSES
I don't know if she loves me. I don't know-
XENA
Ulysses, your kingdom needs you. Your wife
needs you. You're home at last. Whatever you
feel toward me will pass.
ULYSSES
No, and I don't think you'll forget me, either.
XENA
Maybe, but Iwon't take you away from your kingdom,
or your wife. Goodbye, Ulysses.
Xena, please.
XENA
Go home. (gently) Go home.
How are you feeling?
XENA
Oh, splendid. Well, maybe not splendid, but...I'll
live. He'll learn to love her again. She's quite a
woman, standing up to those pirates all those years.
GABRIELLE
Yeah. She is. Do you think that he knows that
you helped him with the bow?
XENA
No. I don't think anyone knows, and I want it to
stay that way. This is Ulysses' story. And for years
the people of Ithaca will talk about how he bent
that bow. It's the way it should be.
GABRIELLE
But really you-
XENA
I got a chance to make someone I care about happy.
That's the best reward you can have in life.
Bring her about!
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Set sail!
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
John D'Aquino as Ulysses
Rachel Blakely as Penelope
Tim Raby as Meticles
Carl Bland as Layos
Donna Pivac as 1st Siren
Geoffrey Knight as 1st Pirate
Charles Siebert as Poseidon
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: Michael Levine
Disclaimer: Despite Gabrielle's incessant hurling, Ulysses' ship was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
