Warrior...Princess...Tramp
She'll make a great Queen one day, as you will,
very soon, Diana.
DIANA
Papa, please don't talk like that. You're gonna
get better, I know it.
LIAS
You must be strong. I fear my time is very near,
and it's important that the transition between my
rule and yours go smoothly.
DIANA
I'm ready to do whatever's needed of me.
LIAS
I've sent for Xena. In difficult times like these, it's
good to have mighty friends close at hand.
DIANA
And who's mightier than Xena?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was the one chosen to fight Callisto because
f there's anyone mightier than Xena, it's Joxer the
Magnificent. So, I challenged Callisto to pit her
strength against mine. She was a little hesitant
at first, understandably. But then she came at me.
And I parried, dodged, dodged, thrust, parried,
parried! And I spun around to--to-
Hi, Gabby.
GABRIELLE
Go ahead, I'd love to hear the rest.
EXTRA
Yeah, finish the story!
JOXER
To, ah, call Xena to dispatch the villainess, which
she did, while I held off the other members of
Callisto's gang.
GABRIELLE
You know, I don't remember it that way.
JOXER
Well, that's because you were tied up at the time.
GABRIELLE
So were you.
What are you doing here?
JOXER
I heard that King Lias was dying and he sent for
Xena. So I thought I might be of some help.
GABRIELLE
I don't think so, but I'll be sure to ask her when I
see her.
JOXER
I already talked to her. She's heading to the castle.
She told me to give her a little time to settle in and
that I should follow.
GABRIELLE
What are you talking about? Xena's in Thebes.
The message she sent to me said that she
wouldn't be her 'til tomorrow.
JOXER
Wrong! She was here an hour ago.
GABRIELLE
Now, how could she get here so fast?
JOXER
I don't know. But she was definitely here.
GABRIELLE
I guess I better hurry up to catch up with her.
JOXER
Yeah, and tell her not to worry. I could tell when
we parted company this morning, that she was
gonna miss my affections. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ow-w! Ow-w! O-oh! Ow-w! What'd you do that for?
GABRIELLE
That's Xena's reputation you're playing with. And
that's going too far.
So anyway, there I was, on the parapet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena.
MEG
Diana.
DIANA
Welcome.
Thank you for coming. We didn't expect you so soon.
MEG
Well, I made good time. I want you to meet Agis,
uh, he was once the advisor to King Cabmus of
Thebes. I trust him completely. He'll be a great
help to us all in these difficult times.
DIANA
If Xena trusts you, I trust you. Welcome, sir.
AGIS
I'm honoured, your Highness.
MEG
How's the King?
DIANA
He's not well, Xena.
MEG
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll get through
this together.
Hello, Princess.
Gabrielle, welcome. I'll have rooms prepared
for you all. Guard, stay with Xena. Her commands
are to be obeyed as though they came from the
king himself.
GUARD
Yes, your Highness.
We need to work on communication, here. I
thought you said we were gonna meet at the
tavern tomorrow. And what happened with Joxer
to make him think you were in love with him?.
You have to watch what you say to this guy. He's
a little crazy. He had this whole bar thinking you
were some kind of low-life tramp.
MEG
Guard! Throw this big-mouthed idiot in the dungeon!
"Big-mouthed idiot"? Xena! Xena! Xena!
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Ain't you ever heard of knockin?
Hey, that's no way to treat a Warrior Princess.
AGIS
Let me remind you of reality, Meg. You're a filthy
tramp that I fished out of the gutter because you
look like Xena and Diana. You're useful to me
only if you're a convincing thespian.
MEG
You never said nothing about no kinky stuff.
Besides, I pulled it off so far today.
AGIS
Oh, not quite. You ordered Xena's best
friend thrown into a dungeon.
MEG
Oh, that's the irritating blonde? I can't see how
Xena can put up with her. Don't worry, I'll fix it.
AGIS
Yes, you will. Because you're going to do exactly
what I say.
MEG
Fine. This place is nice. But I bet Diana has a real
comfy set-up. When do I get to be her?
When it's appropriate to make the switch, very
soon. I want you acting as the Princess when
Lias dies. That way you can turn the control of
the army over to me right away. Once I have
command of the army, I can launch an attack on
Miridias and sell their citizens into slavery.
And that will only be the beginning of a series
of conquests.
MEG
Hey, Aggie, come here! Look what the round
thing does.
A chakram is a weapon, not a toy.
MEG
Well, what kind of damage would a cheap wooden
thing do anyway? Ah, look, you broke it!
AGIS
Fix it, put it back on your belt and leave it there!
You need to visit Xena's little friend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Big-mouthed idiot." Maybe it's a code. Maybe it
means something. Maybe, I'm gonna kill her. Hmm.
MEG
Open up.
EXTRA
Yes, Xena.
You had better have a pretty good explanation
for this.
MEG
Gabrielle, it's all part of the plan.
GABRIELLE
Well, will you tell me what the plan is?
MEG
Can't.
GABRIELLE
Oh, so I'm just supposed to accept being thrown
into a dungeon and you won't tell me what the
plan is?
MEG
Gabrielle, have you ever had burning splinters
shoved under your fingernails?
GABRIELLE
No.
MEG
Ah-hah! I thought as much. You see, the man
we're after is known to extract information using
that method. So the less you know, the safer
you'll be.
GABRIELLE
If he captures me, he doesn't know that I don't
know anything. He's still going to put splinters
under my fingernails.
MEG
All the more reason why you should stay here.
You're less likely to fall into his clutches that way.
GABRIELLE
I can take care of myself! Now why are you treating
me like a kid? I thought we were passed that.
MEG
Well, we're not. Oh and, ah, don't try to contact
Diana, you'll only put her in danger.
She'll stay quiet.
AGIS
Good.
MEG
Hey, Aggie.
AGIS
My name's Agis.
MEG
Well, what do we do when the real Xena gets here?
AGIS
She won't.
MEG
Ahhhh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There she is.
How's about you and me have some fun, hmm?
XENA
No, thanks.
BARFLY #1
Oh, so now you're playing hard to get.
That's the way.
XENA
Have you seen a young woman, carrying a staff,
about this high?
She left yesterday. But there's no reason why you
should be lonely, when there's healthy young
men like us around. Give us a kiss.
There she is!
XENA
(to bartender) Give me something strong.
(to Alcibiades) Well, I take it you're not looking
for a kiss.
ALCIBIADES
No, I want your heart.
You're not my type.
Let's get out of here!
So, Xena, how's about that kiss, huh?
Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. The name's Xena. That's
Xena with a capital 'Z'.
Are you all right?
MEG
Yes. I was, ah, I was just practicing my new punch.
I'm only gonna say this one more time I'm a close
personal friend of Xena's.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Listen, road block, step aside!
GUARD
You're not getting into this castle. So, be smart
and walk away while you still can.
JOXER
Oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You still don't know who you're
dealing with, do you? Don't make me hurt you.
Oh!
MEG
Guard?! It's all right. He's with me.
JOXER
(to Guard) You're a very lucky man.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come in.
JOXER
Mm-hmm.
MEG
Have a seat.
Ow!
MEG
Oh. What's the matter?
JOXER
Listen, Xena, I've been thinking a lot about something
Gabrielle said to me.
MEG
What did that little brat say?
JOXER
No, listen, Xena, I've been sullying your reputation
around town.
MEG
What are you talking about?
JOXER
Listen, Xena, I told a bar-room full of guys how
intimate you and I got!
MEG
Well, there's nothing wrong with a little publicity.
A little pub-oh, no, no, Xena. Listen. Listen!
I--I don't deserve you as a lover.
MEG
You're kidding, right? Look, don't listen to anything
Gabrielle says. I'm seriously considering having
her executed.
JOXER
What? No, no, listen, listen! I'm wrecking one of
the great friendships! Now, okay, okay, one of
us has to be strong and it's...listen, so I'll be
outside your window, should you need my sword
at your service.
MEG
I need your sword in my service right now.
JOXER
Sword, service. Yes, uh, look!
What am I, nuts, going in there?!
MEG
What a lovely man.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, oh, okay, okay. Be strong. Wow. Be strong.
You're Joxer. You're Joxer the Magnificent. You're
Joxer. You're...lost.
Oh, this is madness. Do you really think a different
dress will weaken my manly resolve? You're right.
Xena's kind of unpredictable, isn't she?
GABRIELLE
You're telling me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How'd she get out here?
Mm-mm-mm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diana, we have a real problem, here. I was attacked
in a tavern by a band of thugs. Someone who
obviously didn't want me to get here. Someone
who wanted to take advantage of the king's illness.
We have to-
MEG
Xena! I just came from seeing my father. He's slipping
away. Can't we talk about this later?
XENA
Sure. I'll talk to Philemon about making the castle
secure. I'll be here if you need me.
Hey, Aggie, I thought you said she wasn't gonna
make it to the party.
AGIS
Obviously, something went wrong.
MEG
Well, you'd better be careful. She looks tough. How'd
you like the tears?
AGIS
Nice touch. (to men) You know what to do with her.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Wait a minute. So, Diana and Xena are exact
look-a-likes?
GABRIELLE
Right!
JOXER
Oh, great! I assaulted royalty. I'm in big trouble.
But on the bright side, Xena still has a thing for me.
GABRIELLE
Hmm, impossible! No offense, Joxer, but you're
just not her type.
JOXER
She was certainly making do with my type. Let
me tell you what we did in that tavern. She gave
me this.
That ain't all.
Ah-no! That's not necessary. I wish I knew what
was wrong with her.
JOXER
Well, it's simple, really. She was struck by Cupid's
arrow. It's love, Gabrielle. But, don't worry, I'm
prepared to do the honourable thing.
GABRIELLE
Leave?
JOXER
No. Marry her. We could all travel around together.
Xena and I could be like a father and mother to you.
GABRIELLE
Guards! Please! Please! Please! I've got
to get out of here!
GABRIELLE
What is the plan?
MEG
Can't say, but, uh, you'll have to stay here. And
she also explained that little misunderstanding
between you and I.
JOXER
Forgive me, you're Highness, I'm lower than
rat droppings.
MEG
Oh, of course. It was just an honest mistake.
JOXER
Oh.
MEG
Now, come with me. Eh!
Sorry, remember the plan?
JOXER
Um, what is the plan?
MEG
I'll tell you out here.
JOXER
Oh, good.
GABRIELLE
You're gonna tell Joxer, but you're not gonna tell me?
MEG
Xena's orders. She's very fond of him, you know?
Uh, wait, what's the plan?
That's the plan?
MEG
What do you think?
JOXER
Good plan.
Your Highness. Your Highness, it is time for the
baby's nap. Now, you know how she can't drift
off unless you sing a lullaby to her.
MEG
All right, all right. Just, go on up to the nursery
and I'll catch up with you there.
Wait for me in my room, I won't be long.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall.
Sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall,
Sixty-three bottles of beer.
If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
forty-three bottles of beer on the wall.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're mad, you devil. Oh, Joxer, why should you
deny yourself to these needy women?
Joxer? What are you doing here?
JOXER
I hate to tell you this, Xena, but, all right, I might
as well spit it out. Princess Diana wants me.
XENA
She what?
JOXER
Listen, I can see the pain on your face, but really,
there's plenty of me to go around. And um, there's
no reason why we can't be adults about this and
have a little fun.
Are you suicidal?
JOXER
Oh, don't worry, Xena. I got just what you need
and plenty of it, too.
You got some explaining to do and you can start
by telling me where Gabrielle is.
JOXER
In the dungeon, where you put her!
XENA
What?
AGIS
In here.
What's the gripe, Aggie? I've done everything just
like you said.
AGIS
And more. Try staying away from that clown, Joxer.
I think he's cute.
AGIS
You better not mess this up.
MEG
Look who's talking.
AGIS
What does that mean?
MEG
You were supposed to keep the real Xena away
from here. Last time I looked, she was making
herself quite at home. You should hire better
people, Aggie.
Don't you talk to me that way. A despicable
slag like you should find it an honour to work with
a man like me. And my name is Agis, not Aggie.
MEG
Take it easy now, Agis.
AGIS
You're gonna do exactly like I say from now on, correct?
MEG
Exactly.
AGIS
Good. Well, don't just stand there, move it!
Come on, Warrior Princess. Take that! Ow, ah!
I know what the plan is. You're trying to drive me insane!
XENA
Let's go.
Now, wait a minute. Okay, I believe you when you
say that there's another look-alike here. That
would explain everything. But how do I know that
you're the real Xena?
JOXER
Yeah, how do we know you're the real Xena?
Hello, Xena. Boy, am I glad to see you.
XENA
Let's split up and search the castle. They may
have hidden Diana here.
JOXER
Wait--wait--wait--wait--wait. How am I supposed
to know who the real Diana is?
XENA
Well, if you come across a woman and she looks
exactly like me and she displays any interest in
you whatsoever as a man, that's the bad one.
She is bad. Real bad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcibiades.
ALCIBIADES
Meg?
XENA
Yeah, of course, it's me. Look what I found.
We found her snooping around. Agis wants you
to take her to the same place you're hiding Diana.
And that way we'll have two cards to play against Xena.
ALCIBIADES
All right, hand me the rope.
Hey, I wanna come too. Xena's figured this whole
thing out. I don't want to be around her any more.
I'm terrified of that warrior witch. And you know,
maybe if you take me along, then, we can relax
a little later on.
Ah, sorry, had to make sure you weren't Xena.
Bring her along.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can't get lucky again.
EXTRA
Come on.
EXTRA
Come on. Let's go.
EXTRA
Are we in?
EXTRA
All of it. All of it.
EXTRA
Come on.
Very nice.
XENA
Hey, boys!
GABRIELLE
All right!
XENA
How're you doing, Princess?
DIANA
Not well. I'll probably be dead soon.
Why's that?
DIANA
Well, I've been sitting on this cold ground almost
the entire day. Who could survive that?
GABRIELLE
A cold bottom isn't fatal.
DIANA
Says you.
XENA
No, but if I have to listen to you two blabber any
more, somebody's gonna end up seriously dead.
Hey, boys, let's toy with the brat a while.
EXTRA
Oh!
Come on.
If we can put Meg on the throne, we will control
the most powerful army in Boecia. Conquests you
never dreamed of are in our grasp. And you
lead Xena directly to our hideout.
ALCIBIADES
What are we going to do about Xena? Now, that
she has Diana, there's nothing stopping her from
coming after you.
AGIS
There's still one card left to play.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My baby! They took my baby!
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
This chamber is known only to the royal family.
XENA
Good. I want you and Philemon to stay here until
we can find your baby.
PHILEMON
You can't expect me just to wait down here, when
my child's life is in danger.
XENA
Your life is in danger, too. Philemon, I am asking
you to have faith in me. This plan is our only way
to save your child.
DIANA
Then we'll stay down here. Philemon, we have
to trust Xena now. She's our only hope.
XENA
Gabrielle, I want you to find Meg and keep her
in one place. I'll do the rest.
GABRIELLE
Right.
Please.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Got you, sweety!
Oh! Hi, Xena.
XENA
Sorry, Joxer. Just a habit.
JOXER
That's okay. I've been keeping an eye out for you
for the fake Diana.
XENA
Her name's Meg.
JOXER
Meg, huh? That's a pretty name.
XENA
You're not falling for her, are you?
JOXER
Well, I've seen a different side of her.
XENA
I bet you have.
JOXER
Hey, listen, I think she's just a victim of circumstance.
XENA
She'll be a victim of some more circumstances when
I get my hands on her. And don't bother keeping
an eye on her anymore. I've got Gabrielle on that.
JOXER
Oh, you think she can do a better job than I can.
XENA
This is not a competition.
JOXER
You think that I'm a complete joke, don't you?
Princess, may I talk to you, please?
XENA
Can't it wait?
AGIS
No, it can't.
Hah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, a little more cleavage couldn't hurt.
Get out of my way.
GABRIELLE
Over my dead body.
MEG
That can be arranged.
Eat some fruit, baby!
Mercy. Mercy, please.
Tears are no good with me!
Look at you, looking down at me. Ah, that's all right.
I'm used to it.
Snotty brats like you always hate girls like me.
GABRIELLE
What do you expect with what you've been doing?
MEG
What was I supposed to do? Agis said that he'd
kill me if I didn't do everything he said.
GABRIELLE
I suppose none of this is your fault, is it?
MEG
I didn't say that. It's all my fault. My whole stinkin'
life's my fault.
GABRIELLE
You know, I shouldn't feel for you, but you just, you
look so much like my best friend.
MEG
I don't want your pity. I've been on my own since I
was ten years old. I'm tougher inside than you'll
ever be.
GABRIELLE
Since you were ten?
MEG
My father died in childbirth.
GABRIELLE
Your father died in childbirth.
MEG
Yeah, he got drunk and fell off the roof when I was
being born. I always wondered what it would be
like to have a father. Bet you had a good father.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, I--I guess I did. But what about your mother?
MEG
One of her boyfriends liked me too much. So I
ran away from home. And then I found out the
next year that--that she had died and--and I was
real sorry that I hadn't gone back to say good-bye.
She was a rotten mother, you know? She was
fun. Anyways, I loved her. God, I hate it when I
get like this.
This is not a party! Will you get that into your head
while it's still attached to your shoulders?! Now
that Diana's on the loose, there's only one thing to do.
XENA
What's that?
AGIS
Kill the King. You can't assume the throne until
he's dead. As long as we have the baby, Diana
and Xena won't do anything. Lias is still surrounded
by loyal palace guards. I want you to take him
some poison.
XENA
No.
AGIS
What?
XENA
No. I mean, uh, poison is too slow. You can never
be sure if it's going to do the job. I should...I should
stab him. I could hide the knife under the
baby's blanket and pretend I was taking the little
tyke to see the old buzzard.
AGIS
That's good. I like that. (to a guard) Go get the baby.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you all right?
LIAS
No. Why haven't you been to see me?
MEG
Sorry, father, I've been bothered by some things.
LIAS
Well, nothing can give the last few days of my life
more worth than to be able to comfort you.
MEG
I don't think you'd understand.
LIAS
Ah, my sweet, we've always shared our hopes, our
reams, our pains. Don't draw away from me now.
If your soul has been darkened, let my love bring
some light to you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here it is.
Hah! Xena! Let's take the baby!
AGIS
Get the baby out of here.
The baby! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, oh!
AGIS
Hey Meg! He thinks you're Xena. Kill the idiot!
JOXER
No! No, no!
I brought your sword.
XENA
Come on, idiot!
JOXER
The name's Joxer.
Come on! This way! It's quicker!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh-oh.
MEG
What are you doing? It's me, Meg.
AGIS
Then prove it.
Kill him.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
Do it! Go on! Do it! You heard me. Kill him, you
slag! Do it!
No and neither will you.
AGIS
How dare you?
Xena!
Duck!
Hah! Missed me! Missed me again! Woo!
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Well-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're not my daughter, are you?
MEG
Not officially.
LIAS
You're not Xena, either.
MEG
No.
LIAS
Amazing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're on your own now, Pops.
Your little friend just kicked my butt. What chance
do you think I stand against you? Why don't you
just kill me? Go on get it over and done with.
XENA
No, because I want you to stay here and take care
of the king.
MEG
No. No, see, you must not have been paying
attention. I'm no good.
XENA
You got the king to safety, I saw you.
MEG
Yeah, well that was my one good deed for the
year. Believe me, you don't want to be leaving
anybody's life in my hands. I'm a low-life.
XENA
I don't care what you've done in your past. Do
good now and you are good. Lock the door
behind me when I leave, and cover him up. A
chill now could kill him.
You look so like my daughter. It's remarkable.
MEG
Yes, three women who look so much alike, and
yet inside, so different. One's a warrior and one's
a Princess and...one's a tramp.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wait, no!
And then I lived in Athens for a while. I actually
did some honest work there. I was a cook. And
you know, I have quite a touch when it comes
to spices. You like spicy foods, Kingy? King Lias?
King Lias!
Put a rope up on that chandelier! Tie the basket.
Hold it right there!
I'm coming to get that baby. And anyone who tries
to stop me is going to eat my sword.
Oh! But wait! I still have my...round killing thing.
ALCIBIADES
It's Diana!
AGIS
Get her. Run that basket up on the rope!
Just give me back my baby and then you can
go in peace!
AGIS
Tie it off. Now, we'll see if she gives us what we need.
Hold it, right there! In the blink of an eye I can
split the skull of anyone who moves with my
trusty...shamrock.
Grab her. It's Meg!
Guess which one I am.
Give me that.
What's going on? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
XENA
Stay down.
I'm glad that's over.
Gab, the baby!
We're too much for them.
Try to catch him!
JOXER
The b--baby.
Hey, Princess! I just came from seeing your father.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which one are you?
XENA
I'm Xena.
Diana?
DIANA
Oh, Papa!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sure hope he pulls through. He's a good man.
I might even write him from jail. If I knew how to write.
GABRIELLE
Well, if it were up to me, I'd give you another
chance. I'd set you free.
MEG
Yeah, you're a softy.
He's going to be fine. He may live on for years, yet.
PHILEMON
Meg, he wants to talk to you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They told me about the plot you were mixed up in.
You were right. You've done some very bad things.
MEG
Well, I told you, I'm trash.
LIAS
Stop it. I don't ever want to hear anyone say
things like that about my personal cook.
MEG
You're not kidding me, are you, Kingy?
LIAS
Not at all. Oh, by the way, I do like spices.
MEG
Well, I'm about as spicy as you can get! Thanks,
King Lias. I won't let you down.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Set it up over there.
MEG
So, so long Xena.
XENA
Goodbye, Meg.
MEG
It was fun being you for a while.
XENA
Just don't do it again in a hurry.
GABRIELLE
Hey, Meg! Learn to read so I can write to you.
MEG
Yeah, maybe I'll just do that.
JOXER
Get, get going, get going.
Well, um, so long, Meg.
MEG
So long, Joxer. Ditch the broads and double back.
I'll leave the kitchen door open for you.
JOXER
Right.
Hey, Xena, Gabrielle, wait up! I uh, listen! I got
ome things to ah, attend to.
GABRIELLE
Fine.
JOXER
So, I won't be able to join you.
GABRIELLE
That's okay.
JOXER
You sure? 'Cause I know how much you need a
real warrior to watch your back, you know?
XENA
Joxer, she won't wait forever.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Diana
Lucy Lawless as Meg
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Chris Bailey as Agis
Iain Rea as Philemon
Norman Forsey as King Lias
Simon Fa'amoe as Alcibiades
Collette Pennington as Nurse
Tai Hadfield as Guard
Tim Faville as Barfly #1
Lawrence Wharerau as Barfly #2
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: T.J. Scott
Disclaimer: Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture. Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing Aardvark nuggets for King Lias.
