Been There Done That
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Hilary J. Bader.
Rise and shine everyone, rise and shine.
I'll rise, I refuse to shine.
JOXER
Yeah? Well, I got us breakfast. Goose eggs.
Sweet Equestra! I'm-I--I hope I didn't hit anything.
GABRIELLE
Huh! Nothing important.
XENA
That reminds me. You know a place I can get
my horse shod?
EDOS
Yeah, there's a blacksmith, over on the other side
of town. He can fix you up a set. And I can shoe
her right here. But he's from a rival house, so
you'll have to go and pick them up yourself.
XENA
Fine. I'll see you in the afternoon.
Hey, Xena. I think I'll get some goose eggs for
the road.
JOXER
Oh, can I go with you? I mean, uh, you know, it's
a dangerous town and, um, it might not be safe.
GABRIELLE
You're right. Xena should go.
JOXER
Why? You think I can't handle it? Hey, I'm the one
who got us those goose eggs to begin with! I
mean, if you want a big goose egg, I'm your man.
E-e-e! Big drop. Big. I think I'll take surface streets.
XENA
What're you gonna do when he finds out you
don't like goose eggs?
TYBELUS
(to Neron) What jackass taught you people how
to drive a cart?!
I heard about Casca, Tybelus. It was a terrible accident!
TYBELUS
There are no accidents between the house of
Menos and the house of Lycost!
I don't wanna fight you, Tybelus.
TYBELUS
Defend yourself.
JOXER
Let me interject. Menos-
XENA
Joxer.
JOXER
Lycost-
XENA
Joxer!
JOXER
What's in a name?!
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Joxer.
GABRIELLE
Joxer, I thought you were getting those eggs.
Joxer.
Joxer! Joxer, come on. Joxer.
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Xena, I shouldn't have sent him after those goose eggs.
XENA
Gabrielle, Joxer died a hero, just like he always
wanted. There's no blame here.
Hey, come here. Maybe we should get some
rest, hmm?
GABRIELLE
No, I don't think I can.
XENA
Yeah, sure you can. Come on.
Sleep now. It'll hurt less in the morning.
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Gabrielle.
Rise and shine everyone, rise and shine.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Joxer. Joxer? You should be dead.
JOXER
True. A man like me should have died a thousand
times, if not for my prodigious skill and nerves
of steel. Yeah.
XENA
Come here, you!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
XENA
I had the strangest dream, last night.
JOXER
Oh?
Rise and shine, yeah, yeah. I'll rise, but I refuse
to shine.
JOXER
Yeah? Well, I got us all breakfast. Goose eggs.
XENA
Step back.
Hey, you don't have to eat 'em.
Ow! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh!
O-oh! O-oh!
EDOS
Sweet Equestra! I'm-I--I hope I didn't hit anything.
XENA
That was no dream.
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Well, as you know, Xena, we warriors always
have second sight. Always know when something's-
Couldn't it have been a vision?
XENA
No, it was too real.
JOXER
Wait a minute. What if I'm dreaming?
GABRIELLE
Can you feel this?
Ow! Yes.
GABRIELLE
Then you're not dreaming. Xena, you're saying
that I forgot everything that happened yesterday?
XENA
You didn't just forget, it never happened to you.
GABRIELLE
Well, if it never happened, then what's to forget?
XENA
Today.
GABRIELLE
But today hasn't happened yet.
XENA
Well, it happened to me.
GABRIELLE
Yesterday.
XENA
No, the other today.
GABRIELLE
So you're saying that today is actually yesterday
for you, but, for us, today is today, because we
can't remember that yesterday was today, right?
XENA
Right.
GABRIELLE
Well, I don't get it.
JOXER
Oh, oh! I know. I know. Wait a minute. What if none
of this really is happening and, like, we're all
in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?
XENA
You don't even remember Joxer's death? The
sword plunged into his heart, his chest covered
with blood, his eyes staring blankly up at the sky.
We had a funeral for him. You cried over him.
You cried over me?
GABRIELLE
I think I'll get some goose eggs for the road.
JOXER
I'll go with you.
XENA
No, wait. We stay together.
What jackass taught you people how to drive a cart?!
NERON
I heard about Casca, Tybelus.
JOXER
Do you guys honestly think I'd be stupid enough
to step in between two guys with swords?
XENA and GABRIELLE
Yes.
NERON
It was a terrible accident! Two strangers got me-
XENA
I'll take care of this. You two wait in the alley.
JOXER
Alley? What is she talking about? I'm not going
in an alley! I'm Joxer the Mighty!
There are no accidents between the house of
Menos and the house of Lycost!
XENA
All right!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, hey!
JOXER
Huh? Pretty good, right? Watch. Pretty good.
Watch this one.
Sorry. O-oh!
MAN #1
Menos clod.
Actually, we're not affiliated with Claud.
MAN #2
You insult my house?
JOXER
Well, it's not a bad house. Needs a little sweeping. O-oh!
Oop! Whoa. Now let me just interject a little thought,
here. Menos, Lycost. What's in a name?
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What is it?
EXTRA
Some stranger's butting in.
XENA
Son of a bacchae!
What else is new?
Now, you're hiring mercenaries to do your killing.
LORD MENOS
We don't need strangers to do a job we're glad
to do ourselves.
LORD LYCOST
You realize, this means all-out war?
LORD MENOS
I relish it.
Sorry boys, there's been a change of plan.
Now, go home! All of you, until you can play nice.
LORD LYCOST
This isn't over. (to Xena) Don't know you, but as
far as we're concerned, you're one of them, now.
That was amazing. That was exactly like you said.
The swords, the duel? Only, you had a second
chance to save Joxer.
JOXER
Please, I had the situation totally under control.
XENA
Joxer may be still alive, but someone else is
dead. And there are a whole lot of angry people
in this village who consider us the enemy. So,
watch your step.
JOXER
Yeah, watch your step.
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Next right, and we're home free.
XENA
What happened?!
EDOS
I--I wouldn't tell them which one was yours. So,
they killed them. They killed them all.
XENA
Argo?
Xena?
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Argo?
Xena, if this day really did happen again, just so
you could save me, then, in a way, Argo's death
is my fault.
You didn't kill Argo.
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Argo.
Rise and shine, everyone, rise and shine.
I'll rise, but I refuse to shine.
XENA
Joxer, move.
JOXER
Why?
XENA
Just move.
JOXER
Why?
XENA
Forget it, don't move.
Ooh!
EDOS
Sweet Equestra! I'm-I-
EDOS and XENA
I hope I didn't hit anything.
GABRIELLE
Huh?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poison dart.
XENA
It's not me. I am fine. The day is repeating itself.
GABRIELLE
Right. I hate it when that happens.
XENA
I'm telling you. This village is on the verge of an
all-out bloodbath. Something that happens
today, something that only I can control, causes it.
GABRIELLE
Xena, what makes you think that it's all up to you?
Hey!
XENA
Look, I am the only one who can seem to remember!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's assume you're
right, for the moment, about the feud. Well, there's
an easy way to end it. The enemy of my enemy
is my friend. If they had a common enemy, they'd
have to work together.
And who would that enemy be, huh?
JOXER
We are. Look, we declare our hatred of both houses.
Then, when they get together to kill us, we throw
down our weapons, and get them to join us in
peace. Oh, come on! It's a great plan! Look, I've
know lots of people who've bonded over their
mutual hatred of me. You two, for example.
GABRIELLE
Well, he's got a point. Hmm.
XENA
The best time to stop a fight is before it starts.
I just need to break this cycle somehow.
TYBELUS
Neron, I've been looking for you. What jackass
taught you people how to drive a cart?!
NERON
I heard about Casca, Tybelus.
Casca. I have to find out more about Casca and
save him. Then these two guys will have no reason
to go after one another. No fight means no duel,
means no bloodbath, means the day no longer
has to repeat itself. Yeah.
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Rise and shine, everyone, rise and sh-
Here you go.
EXTRA
Good morning, Casca!
Yah, yah! Come on!
Casca!
EXTRA
Look out!
ACT TWO
You all right?
CASCA
What? Speak up, girl.
XENA
Are you all right?
CASCA
Yeah, yeah. Look what they've done to my hat.
Damn Menos driver!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, every morning you wake up back in the stable.
XENA
That's right.
JOXER
Well what if you stayed awake all night? I mean,
like, I could stay up with you, and, even sing to you,
like, (singing) Go to sleep, Xe-e-na, the day is long-
XENA
Joxer! I have tried that! Thank you, Joxer, but, I
have tried everything, and I still wake up in the
stable, and it's still today.
GABRIELLE Xena, it just doesn't make sense. Who do you think-
XENA
It's not the Fates, it's not Ares, it's not something
that I ate.
No, I have no poison dart marks. I have no
Bacchae bites.
JOXER
Is that a hickey?
Look, believe me, or don't believe me. It doesn't
matter. Today has happened before. Well, hopefully,
by saving Casca, it won't happen again.
TYBELUS
Neron, I've been looking for you. Keep your eyes
off my cousin. She wants nothing to do with you!
XENA
This feud is worse than I thought. These guys'll
find any excuse to fight.
NERON
Why not let her decide that, Tybelus?!
It's gonna take more than saving Casca to end
this kind of hate.
JOXER
You know, the enemy of my enemy-
Get Joxer to safety. Go!
I don't wanna go to an alley. This is stupid. I'm
a warrior.
Not the alley.
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Joxer, no!
Gabrielle! Gabrielle. Gabrielle!
Gabrielle. It'll be all right, Joxer, it will. It has to be.
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Gabrielle! Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
Xena.
Rise...
Group hug!
Get off me, Joxer.
XENA
That's it, Joxer. Get off. Get off!
Oh! Ow!
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Every day, the rooster crows, Joxer walks in, the
horseshoe falls, I save the old man, stop a duel
and then the whole thing starts all over again.
JOXER
Maybe it's the rooster.
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But I don't know why we have to stay here.
XENA
Because I'm telling you to.
GABRIELLE
Joxer, sometimes, it's just best to do what Xena
says. She'll explain later. You will explain, right?
JOXER
I'm not staying anywhere, unless I know why. I'm
a man of many skills, you know?
XENA
Joxer, you're staying here, 'cause I need you to
stay here.
JOXER
Oh. O-oh! I get it! I'm a diversion, a decoy. Wait
a minute. Wouldn't it be better if I was over on
the other side of the court?
XENA
Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?
Huh?
XENA
Hmm? Hmm.
JOXER
Could I speak to you privately?
XENA
He would crawl fifty miles on broken glass, just
to sweat in your shadow.
JOXER
Ix-nay on the ove-lay alk-tay.
XENA
Oh, yeah, he worships you like a goddess. Right,
Joxer? Stay here.
Wow, she has really lost it.
Completely.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, there's another fight across the square.
XENA
I stop one fight, and another one starts. It's a lot
easier to start a feud than to end one.
GABRIELLE
I don't get it. They worship the same god, suffer the
same hardships. I wish we had time to remind them.
XENA
I have all the time in the world.
Night's bane. It's lethal stuff.
JOXER
You know, the enemy of my enemy is often
considered my friend.
XENA
Joxer, go ahead.
JOXER
Really?
XENA
Go ahead.
JOXER
Yeah, but you don't even...I knew this would happen
someday, you and me on the same wavelength.
Two great minds, one thought.
GABRIELLE
Only half a wit.
XENA
What have we got to lose?
JOXER
Right. Hear me, cowards! I...we are your true
enemies! We spit on your houses! We curse
your names. We laugh at your ancestors! Ah!
Hah! Hah! Hah! Hah! (to Xena and Gabrielle) Now'
when they bond.
Rise and shine, everyone.
You...you killed him?! (to Joxer) Hey! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh!
ACT THREE
Xena! (to Gabrielle) Help! Xena!
So, you've treated both houses?
APOTHECARY
Treated, cured, buried. I'm the closest thing to
a doctor they have. What was it you wanted?
XENA
Night's bane.
APOTHECARY
It might help if I labeled them. Then again, I can't
read. You know what? The um, the um-
XENA
Night's bane?
APOTHECARY
Night's bane, yeah. It's missing.
XENA
Are you sure you didn't sell it?
APOTHECARY
A sale like that, I would not forget. It's lethal, you know?
XENA
Really?
APOTHECARY
Yeah, one sip of it and the next day, you're on a
one-way trip to Tartarus.
XENA
So, anyone drop dead lately?
APOTHECARY
Nope.
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Have one of my muffins.
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Ah, thank you.
Go on.
Mmm, they're lovely.
ALTARA
Good.
XENA
So, it must be hard being a midwife in a town that
teaches kids to hate right from birth, hmm?
ALTARA
It's not easy, that's true. Still, I've been bringing
Menos' babies into the world now for more than
forty years.
XENA
Ah, must have some stories, huh?
ALTARA
That I have, young woman; that I have. Now, you
eat that up and I'll tell you some stories.
Rise and shine, everybody! Rise and shine!
Hmm?
We've repeated the day that many times?
XENA
Yes.
GABRIELLE
But-
XENA
No, no, yes, no. I tried that. Yes, both ways. No,
I don't know. No, again. Are there any more questions?
Good.
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Keep your eyes off my cousin! She wants nothing
to do with you!
NERON
Why not let her decide that, Tybelus?!
XENA
Put your swords up. It is time to talk peace!
TIUS
Time to fill the streets with Lykos' blood, you mean!
They say that the man that kills his own brother
is cursed forever. Is that what you want, Tius?
Lenorus is also your father's son.
ALTARA
Yes, that's right.
EXTRA
Really?
EXTRA
Oh.
XENA
Get out of here.
PERION
I know who my ancestors are. My father was
almost run down today, because of the careless
driving of Menos scum.
XENA
Your father was almost run down, because he
was too deaf to hear the warnings.
CASCA
Eh? What did she say?
LORD LYCOST
Enough! We don't need lectures from a stranger.
XENA
Lycost, you nearly lost your wife and son in
childbirth, true?
LORD LYCOST
The midwife was sure they'd both die. But thank
the gods she was wrong.
XENA
It's not the gods you should thank. It's your enemies'
wife. While you were away, fighting wars, Lady
Menos came to your house and saved your wife
and son.
LORD LYCOST
She--she was a good woman.
LORD MENOS
Yes, she was.
XENA
Who hated this feud.
LORD MENOS
Maybe, she's right. Perhaps it's time we talked.
LORD LYCOST
Yes, perhaps it is.
LORD MENOS
How do you know so much about us? Are you
an oracle?
XENA
No, just someone with a lot of time on her hands.
LORD LYCOST
Menos.
Congratulations, Xena.
JOXER
Yeah.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, you just saved two lives. You stopped three
duels. You made peace between lifelong enemies.
It seems like you've changed everything that needs
changing, right?
JOXER
Right.
GABRIELLE
I bet this'll stop the day repeating.
JOXER
Yeah, you did great. Why don't we just go and relax,
and have a little party?
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
XENA
Yeah, let's.
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A-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h! You dirty, rotten-
Ah.
The first day, everything seems normal, well,
excepting that Joxer gets killed. The next day,
I fix that, and then Argo gets killed. On the
third day, I know that there was something I am
supposed to do, and that somehow, it's tied
in with this blood feud. So I find out all about the
old man getting hit by the cart, and I save him.
But, the fighting breaks out anyway, and Gabrielle
gets killed. Uh-h-h! Uh-h-h! So, somehow, I am
supposed to save the old man, stop everyone
else from getting killed, and make peace between
the two houses. It's too much. So, I find out every
stinking little thing there is to know about these
people, I save the old man, stop the fighting and
then use the information I've got to make peace
between the houses. And still, it isn't enough. I'm
missing something. I'm missing something small.
I think I know what it is. Thanks, I just needed to
say that out loud.
Hey, give me that vial.
It's Night's bane. When did you take this?
HERMIA
Just after sunrise.
XENA
So, you're the one who's been causing all this trouble.
No, it's not her. It's me. And there's nothing you
can do. Her house is at the north end of town,
and the stables you're in are at the south. So,
no matter how fast you run-
XENA
I'll never get there in time to stop her.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
I still don't understand why she took the poison
in the first place.
NERON
Because we're in love. Only, since our families
hate each other, her father was gonna make her
marry someone else.
XENA
So, she decided to kill herself.
NERON
I had planned for us to elope, but when I told her
about them she began to cry.
XENA
She had already taken the Night's bane?
NERON
When the day was over, I couldn't face the thought
of life without her. So--so I prayed to Cupid for
help. "Hermia must die tomorrow," he said. But,
because my love for was true, he granted me
one wish.
XENA
Let me guess. Your wish was that tomorrow would
never come.
NERON
Yes! "The day will repeat," he said, "until a hero
comes who can fix everything." Save Hermia,
save me, and end this pointless feud.
XENA
So, when you saw me in the village, why didn't
you ask for help?
NERON
Well, frankly, I--I was expecting Hercules, or at
least Sinbad but, besides, I'm--I'm not allowed
to interfere.
XENA
So, now I've got to save Casca, stop the duel,
and keep Hermia from taking poison, right after
the rooster crows.
NERON
It's impossible. No matter how fast you run, there
just isn't enough time.
XENA
We'll see.
Well, we better get some rest. Today is going to
be a very busy day, tomorrow. Small joke. Night.
Rise and shine, everyone, rise and-
Damn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena!
Xena! You have to stop them!
XENA
Been there, done that, didn't work.
GABRIELLE
Xena!
XENA
I am real busy, here. Go play with Joxer.
Don't worry, she's gone, but, you can still be my
sidekick. Whoa!
I could use some help!
Step aside! I'm gonna put some moves on this guy.
Ooop!
Joxer!
Thanks!
GABRIELLE
Hey!
XENA
I'll give it right back!
Xena! I could use that staff!
XENA
That oughtta do it. Gabri-
Sorry.
Good girl.
Oh my god.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morning, Joxer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yah! Come on!
Eh?
EXTRA
Yah!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hermia.
Now, can you make peace between our houses?
XENA
Just you try and stop me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe she's right. Perhaps it is time we talked.
LORD LYCOST
Yes, perhaps it is. Menos.
I think now I'll be able to ask Hermia's father for
her hand in marriage.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, I'm betting he'll say yes.
NERON
Xena, thank you. Now, we can all look forward
to tomorrow.
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Rise and shine, everyone, rise and shine.
I'll rise, but I refuse to shine.
JOXER
Yeah, well I got us breakfast...turnips.
XENA
Turnips?
Did you say turnips?
Now, there's a woman who really likes her vegetables.
GABRIELLE
Xena, are you all right? All right, what's going on?
XENA
Life, Gabrielle, life! Life is going on at last!
Gabrielle, you've gotta, um, I don't know, seize
the day! 'Cause, who knows? Tomorrow may never come!
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Joseph Murray as Neron
Deverik Williams as Tybelus
Rebekah Davies as Hermia
John McKee as Lord Menos
Norman Fairley as Lord Lycost
Marek Summich as Edos
Norman Forsey as Casca
Rodney Cooke as Man #1
Campbell Rousselle as Man #2
Neill Duncan as Perion
John Glass as Tius
Mary Woodward as Altara
John Smythe as Apothecary
Written by: Hilary J. Bader
Directed by: Andrew Merrifield
Disclaimer: The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his feathers were severely ruffled. However, a little gel and mousse straightened out the mess.
