The Dirty Half Dozen
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
Athena! Wh--why? Six thousand men, groups of
Athens. My men, all gone.
He's behind you.
What are you? Where did your army come from?
For Athena!
Ha-ha. Decent!
Congratulations, Agathon. Your army's done well.
AGATHON
Well? Six thou men, instant legend! You and me,
we work good together. And this metal? There's
no stopping me. Oh, of course, that means no
stopping you, War God.
ARES
I couldn't have given the metal of Hephaestus to
just anyone. It's time for the new generation to
lead the old out of the darkness.
AGATHON
Classic, but don't play salesman, Ares. I know
what you want out of me, and I'll give it to you,
'cause, all I've ever wanted is to rule the world
and this metal gives it to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There he is.
VILLAGER #1
Walsim! Murderer! Assassin! Killer!
EXTRA
You killer, you!
EXTRA
He's a killer!
Who is that?!
EXTRA
Fire!
EXTRA
He's getting away!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hah! How's it going, Xena?
XENA
I was hoping you'd remember that trick. I have a
proposition for you. If you refuse, I take you back
to the ax-man.
WALSIM
Sounds pretty one-sided. And if I say yes?
XENA
Chances are you'll die. We're going up against Ares.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Ah, there was no proof I did it.
GUARD #1
He was stabbed with a spear. You were holding
it at the time.
DARNELLE
Well, if you wanna go technical on me.
How's it going, roomies?
MONLIK
You're just as dead as the rest of us.
DARNELLE
Yeah, right. Just remember that, for the time being.
MONLIK
I got no problem with shortening the time.
Xena?!
XENA
Darnelle, Monlik? Down there now!
Glaphyra? I know you're in here.
Whoa! There was a lady in here?
GLAPHYRA
I'm no lady.
Sorry, gentlemen, this is a private party. Don't
follow unless you wanna be buried alive.
Oooh, nice collection.
WALSIM
Okay, I figure, we got three things in common.
We're all killers, we don't know each other, but,
we all know you. Personally.
XENA
We don't have time for chit-chat or reminiscing,
so I'll do the introductions. Monlik here, was a
master thief, taught Autolycus a thing or two.
Darnelle, I found in a small village, trained him
up to be a gladiator. He was an unbeatable killer.
DARNELLE
Your training was good, my talent was a gift.
XENA
And Walsim? Walsim was the finest assassin I
ever trained. He partnered with Thersites for a while.
WALSIM
You introduced him to me and I hear you offed him.
XENA
Glaphyra? Glaphyra, when I met her, was eager
to see the world. She ended up a slaver, selling
men to traders from the south.
GABRIELLE
Just men?
I specialize, but none of this explains why you
brought us here.
WALSIM
Ares. She wants us to go up against Ares.
XENA
If you agree, it's your chance at freedom, maybe
even to start again. If not, I take you back to prison.
DARNELLE
Going up against the God of War is insane. There's
something you're not telling us. What is it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There must be thousands of them over these
hills, the Athenian infantry.
They're all like that, swords, shields, armour, cut
right through. What could do this?
XENA
We're about to find out.
Where'd you learn that?!
GABRIELLE
I'm a princess!
Walsim, you can't rely on your weapon! It's useless!
Come on!
EXTRA
Back to the forge!
XENA
We'd better get going. They'll be back soon with
reinforcements.
WALSIM
Wait a minute. What was that? What were their
weapons made of?
XENA
That's the metal of Hephaestus. Ares stole the
secret and gave it to a warlord named Agathon.
That's what we're up against.
Make sure the edges are sharp.
Now, all you gotta do is find an army.
AGATHON
You kiddin' me?! Once word gets out about that
Athenian gig, I'll have bad boys bustin' down the
gates to join in. That trick took only a few hundred.
So, what do you say, we march on Athens in a month?
ARES
There's a fire in you I really like, but don't be too
much of a hurrier-
AGATHON
Yeah, yeah, I'm not like Callisto, I can pace myself,
War God. Whoa! Nice 'ceps! Do you work out, or
are all you gods cut?
ARES
You have something else to deal with. Xena,
she's on her way.
AGATHON
Xena?
ARES
Yeah.
AGATHON
The former number one Ares femme, the owner
of the of the chakram?
ARES
Others have made the mistake of underestimating her.
AGATHON
No, no, no, no, War God, nobody underestimates
Xena. They underestimate you. You've got a hot
spot for the killer babe and when push comes
to shove, you follow your, uh, lower instincts,
know what I mean?
You are smarter than you look and you're not
frightened of me. It's annoying, but it sets you
apart from the others I've dealt with.
AGATHON
Except Xena. She didn't cut you any slack, either.
Whatever, I need your word, or whatever it is that
binds you god-types.
ARES
Xena's time with me has ended. I won't intervene.
AGATHON
Good.
Whoa! Ha, 'cause I'm gonna kill her.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
It's getting late. We'll stay here for the night.
GABRIELLE
Okay. All right. Okay, we need to build a fire pit,
grab some wood and, um, get some water for
the morning.
Or I can do it.
XENA
Glaphyra and Monlik, start unpacking the tents.
Walsim, dig the fire pit. Darnelle, you're on wood
patrol. Move it. Here.
It is gonna be a long night. I'll have to stay up and
keep an eye on them.
GABRIELLE
You afraid they might run?
XENA
Well that and their habit of killing people.
GABRIELLE
Huh! Why don't you do a rotation? Each one can
take a turn watching the other? Murderers guarding
murderers, that's not a good idea.
XENA
Maybe not.
GABRIELLE
Can I ask you something? These people, all of
'em, were they murderers before you met them?
I mean, it seems like, maybe they-
XENA
Gabrielle, it was me. I changed them. Before
they met me, they were-
GABRIELLE
They were like me, real people, maybe even good
people. Walsim, I--I could see him as a farmer
at one time.
XENA
He was a carpenter.
GABRIELLE
I wonder, what would have happened if I had
met you before, before you know...
XENA
Gabrielle, I could never see you as being evil.
There is a difference between them and you.
GABRIELLE
What difference? Xena, I have changed so much
since I met you. I wonder how much of that is timing.
XENA
Does it really matter?
GABRIELLE
Am I really who I am? Or am I what you made me?
XENA
We better get going. If I'm gonna stay up all night,
I wanna get an early start.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, are you from the land of Nomidia?
XENA
Nope.
GABRIELLE
Are you-
All right, now, you listen up. We've got a couple
of days ahead of us, before we get to Agathon's
castle and we need to get this started out right. So,
you just forget all about the fact that you are all
murderers who would kill anyone in their sleep,
especially one another, all right? All right.
(to Gabrielle) They can be a team tomorrow.
Tonight, I get some sleep.
GABRIELLE
What...
This is crazy.
GLAPHYRA
So put down your weapon.
DARNELLE
You first.
GABRIELLE
Murderers guarding murderers, it was a good
idea. Hmm.
All right, weapons down on the count of three.
One, two, three.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, another day. Rise and shine! I guess I'm
really a morning person. Can we lower the weapons,
at least over breakfast?
I know why I'm here. I know why they're here.
But what are you here for? Emergency food?
GLAPHYRA
Lay off her, Walsim!
DARNELLE
Yeah, she's a princess. Besides, I can think of
one reason to have her around.
So! You were talking about breakfast, huh?
GLAPHYRA
(to Xena) Why do we need these men? Just the
two of us, we can do this. Oh, and your friend, if
you really think we need her.
XENA
I need everybody.
GLAPHYRA
Do you know what men are like? They can't be
trusted at their word.
Xena? He's dead.
Poison, I'll bet. One of you poisoned him.
DARNELLE
You're the one with the cross-bow. Maybe we
should look for an arrow in his back.
WALSIM
Maybe you wanna look for one in your chest.
Monlik, wakey-wakey.
What?
DARNELLE
Yeah, we stay up all night, he sleeps like a baby.
XENA
All right, we got a lot to do, so we're going to split
up. Glaphyra and Darnelle, there's a village not
far back. I want you to get some supplies that
we need but, I want you to buy them.
Now, if I had my choice of partners, here-
XENA
You don't. Monlik and Walsim, I need you to go
ahead to the castle. Monlik, I want a complete
map of the interior.
MONLIK
Done, but it's gonna take a while to get there.
WALSIM
And what's the great Xena going to be doing?
Seems like you might wanna come with us.
XENA
We need a diversion. I'm gonna see King Gregor
and ask him to mobilize his army. Agathon has
to believe that he's under attack. All right, we
meet back here before the sun is high.
After you-
Ow!
GABRIELLE
I don't think I've ever been a part of a true disaster before.
XENA
You are such a cynic.
You know, I used one just like this to win the finals
at Magar. Huh, Xena was really proud of me back
then. Of course, I nailed one of the judges with
my second throw.
GLAPHYRA
Boys and their toys.
I'll take that as a compliment. This is essential
equipment.
GLAPHYRA
To your ego! And a spear, no less! Could you be
a bit more obvious?!
DARNELLE
Actually, it's a javelin. Now, do I sense more than
just a little anger toward me 'cause I'm a man?
GLAPHYRA
And why not? Men are all the same. They use you,
they betray you and they spit you out! They're only
as good as what you can get out of them.
DARNELLE
Oh, as opposed to the sweet, ungrateful creatures
of the earth that women are. We protect them,
we feed them, we clothe them, we give them a
purpose for being. And this is the gratitude?
GLAPHYRA
You were born of a woman!
DARNELLE
I was born of a man. I was delivered by a woman.
How would you like those apples, sweetcheeks, huh?
I only meant it as an observation, not as an insult.
And, uh as for the apples-
-how'd you like one?
Men are so easy.
Everything you asked for.
DARNELLE
Bought, not stolen. Sorry we didn't bring back
any change.
XENA
Gregor has agreed to use his army to help us,
but we have to move fast. Monlik, how does it
look inside the castle?
MONLIK
Bad, very bad. Anyone trying to break in will
be slaughtered.
GABRIELLE
This is happy news.
XENA
We have to get inside the castle, into the armory,
quickly. Monlik's map will help us with that.
MONLIK
Well, that's something we need to talk about.
You see, as I was climbing around that castle I
realized I'm the key.
XENA
What are you getting at?
MONLIK
Simple, the secret to that metal's worth a lot of
money. Now, the old Xena, she would've been
the first to realize that. The new Xena, well, she's
more interested in stopping Ares. Or maybe,
giving this secret to everybody. Now, that would
level the playing field, wouldn't it? The problem
is there's no profit in it for us, just the risk of
being killed.
XENA
Your reward is in your freedom and the choices
that you can make afterward.
MONLIK
She's wrong! Because I have the knowledge
she needs. And without it, everything stops right
here, unless, of course, you wanna try to stop us.
Either way, your plan fails.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
XENA
Don't make this mistake, Monlik. I'm giving you
your chance.
MONLIK
To do what? Become like you? Roam the
countryside, helping people? Dragging around
with me some half-starved kid pretending she's
a friend? Well, I don't think so.
XENA
Very well. If that's the way you feel, you can go. I'll
come after you later. But right now, I want that map.
MONLIK
Ha-ha.
That's gotta be uncomfortable.
WALSIM
Great! Now, how're we gonna get in?
XENA
Well, we'll just have to think of something else.
Go pack up our things. Now!
Xena-
XENA
They did nothing. Did you see that? If they
had'a joined me or backed up Monlik, that would've
been something. I need to know if they can work
together as a team.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right. Without Xena, let's talk. I don't think we
have a chance in Tartarus without that map.
GLAPHYRA
Xena thinks there's another way.
DARNELLE
Xena also thinks she can go up against Ares.
We're all a little shaky on that one, right?
WALSIM
Yeah, look, we all know Xena. Or at least, we knew
her. We know her strengths and her weaknesses.
GLAPHYRA
What's your point?
WALSIM
My point is, that she can take us all on individually
but, together it wouldn't be that easy. What if I had
a plan?
Is this a private get-together, or can anyone join in?
DARNELLE
Oh, nothing private. Walsim, here, was just telling
us, uh, what he saw in Agathon's castle.
XENA
Oh.
DARNELLE
Defenses and all.
GLAPHYRA
Yeah, we were just talking about our chances.
XENA
Well, we better get to sleep. We'll see Agathon's
castle soon enough. Hm-mm.
It's about time you showed up.
What is it about me? You always seem to know
when I'm around. I must have a certain...presence,
around you.
XENA
You say presence, I say stench.
ARES
Oh! Ow!
Score one for the Warrior Princess.
XENA
You were wrong to give the metal of Hephaestus
to Agathon.
ARES
I...
I did it for the sake of peace.
XENA
Peace through slaughter.
ARES
Doesn't matter. Agathon is brash, obnoxious,
disrespectful and smart, very smart, much like
the young Xena I took under my wing.
XENA
That can't be good for you. I wasn't the easiest
warrior you ever dealt with.
ARES
No, no, you never let me get away with anything.
You had the nerve to question me and you never
took what I said at face value.
XENA
Funny that.
ARES
Well, neither does Agathon. He looks for answers
beneath the obvious. Example? He knows Gregor's
army has no intention of attacking. Agathon's
kept his army in the castle. Give this up, Xena. I'm
not gonna make any deals this time. I promised
Agathon I would not interfere. If you attack, he's
gonna kill you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make it look good.
(to Gabrielle) Keep going.
There she is!
Hey, Xena! Lookey what I found. Your chakram
sure would come in handy right now. I guess
you've gotta pick your back-up better.
Sorry, Xena. You offered freedom. Agathon offered cash.
ACT FOUR
I told you I had a plan. You should've been more
like Darnelle, Glaphyra. If you'd come to me and
wanted in, well, maybe you'd be out here with us.
DARNELLE
Ah, officers in the new army of Ares.
GLAPHYRA
I suppose it's too late to consider my options.
DARNELLE
Oh, way late.
(to Warrior #2) Do not get near the bars, and don't
take your eyes off 'em, especially Xena.
I thought Darnelle might've been different. I
should've known.
GABRIELLE
Different? You mean, from all the other cutthroats,
thieves, murderers.
GLAPHYRA
No, little girl. Check the arrangement. Do you
see any men in this cell?
GABRIELLE
I'm not a little girl and I have met some good men.
I married one.
GLAPHYRA
Yeah? And how long was he good? I notice he's
not with you now. Maybe he lost interest. Or maybe
he decided to find another conquest.
Maybe he was murdered.
By Callisto. A woman.
I've tried them already. They're made of that same
metal. She hasn't seen much of the world, has she?
XENA
Gabrielle's been through more than you'd think.
Yes, more than you. And despite everything,
she doesn't carry hatred toward others. Good
people don't.
And the bad people?
XENA
The bad people are us, Glaphyra, who I was,
who you are. You know, you're so quick to blame
everything on men you have never once looked
inside yourself for the answers. It's something
that I had to learn. Gabrielle is a good teacher.
Who knows? If--if I had met her back when I met
you, maybe it'd be me who changed.
What was his name?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gives you a happy, doesn't it? All these toys and
nothing else like them, except this.
Without this puppy, Xena's just another wanna-be Agathon.
WALSIM
We'd like to discuss our agreement.
DARNELLE
Especially the cash.
AGATHON
The cash comes later, after the conquering and
general mayhem, you know? Meanwhile, chill!
Pick out some hardware. Go kill a peasant. Relax.
We are set for life.
So, I guess, uh, I guess that chain must be made
of Hephaestus' metal too, or it wouldn't cut through
it, right?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want you to know, when I kill you, it won't be
because you're a man.
DARNELLE
Oh really? Well it should be, 'cause I am a man. A red-blooded,
two-fisted, we-rule-the-world-whether-you-like-it-or-not man.
Hey! Get away from the bars!
You didn't have to be that convincing!
XENA
Oh.
Which way to the armoury?
DARNELLE
Okay, down that hallway, and through double
doors. And the furnace is there, just like you said,
along with all the weapons we need, if we can
get to 'em.
GLAPHYRA
This is all part of a plan?
I convinced Darnelle to sell us out.
DARNELLE
Ah, it wasn't much of a sale, actually.
GABRIELLE
Xena needed to get in. What better way than to
get captured?
Look, Darnelle, I didn't know-
DARNELLE
Ah, no, no, no, no, you owe me an apology. You
owe me big. And don't worry about forgetting it,
I won't let you.
Hey! That's not how a princess fights!
GABRIELLE
Amazon Princess!
Leave him! We don't have time for this. This is
a blast shield. If it were to plug up the furnace,
the whole castle would go up.
GABRIELLE
Let's do it!
XENA
First, all the weapons in here.
DARNELLE
You're kidding!
XENA
Do it.
That's it!
DARNELLE
What about the warriors?!
XENA
With Gregor out on the battlefield, Agathon's
brought all his troops inside the castle. They go
when the castle goes. Step back!
Let's get out of here!
No!
Why does everyone want to kill me?!
AGATHON
(to Darnelle) Your death will take a very long,
painful time, because you didn't just betray
me! You betrayed him!
Intervening directly, Ares? That's not your style.
I thought Agathon was supposed to be your
ultimate warrior!
AGATHON
You've got it and your blood is gonna to prove it!
XENA
Gabrielle, Glaphyra, get out.
GABRIELLE
I'm not leaving!
GLAPHYRA
Like she said! Besides, we have to protect our
men, don't we?!
XENA
How about it, Ares? You don't want second-best
to rule your empire. If you have to bail him out
now, he's just not the right one.
AGATHON
Don't listen to her garbage! You know I'm the
one! I don't have to prove anything!
ARES
Agathon, I gave you my word I wouldn't intervene.
This is between the two of you.
AGATHON
That's just fine with me, War God. I don't need
your help. Just don't get in the way.
Come on! It's gonna blow!
GABRIELLE
Come on!
GLAPHYRA
Darnelle! Come on. Let's go.
XENA
Stand clear of the door!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you wanna go back to the way you were, it's
your choice.
DARNELLE
Yeah, but at least we have a choice. I mean,
I'm not saying I'm gonna follow the straight and
narrow, but, well, I got some thinking to do.
GLAPHYRA
Yeah, me too. (to Gabrielle) You look after Xena, okay?
GABRIELLE
I will.
DARNELLE
See you later, Princess.
So! I'm heading east. How about you?
GLAPHYRA
Seems like as good a direction as any. I think I
can put up with the company. For a while.
DARNELLE
Don't go falling in love with me, now!
GLAPHYRA
I'd sooner fall for a toad.
DARNELLE
Well, it's a start!
You started off with four and you redeemed two.
All things considered, it's not bad odds.
XENA
Ain't that somethin'? I've got that answer to your
question. Are you who you are, or are you who I
made you?
GABRIELLE
And?
XENA
You're Gabrielle, bard, Amazon Princess, best
friend. Nobody made you who you are, it was
already there. The question is who would I be
without you?
GABRIELLE
Hmm, I can answer that. You'd still be heroic
Xena. You were on that path when we met.
XENA
Are you crazy? Without you to keep me on the
straight and narrow-
GABRIELLE
You'd have managed.
XENA
Hey!
GABRIELLE
Just not as well.
XENA
Hang on a minute.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Charles Mesure as Darnelle
Katrina Hobbs as Glaphyra
Jon Brazier as Walsim
Jonathon Roberts as Agathon
Stephen Ure as Monlik
Peter Ford as Villager #1
Roy Snow as Athenian Captain
Adam Schlooz as Guard #1
Amron McCormack as Warrior #1
Campbell Rousselle as Warrior #2
Written by: Steven L. Sears
Directed by: Rick Jacobson
Disclaimer: No Convicts were reformed during the production of this motion picture. Can't we all just get along?
