The Furies
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
I came here on business, Alceto.
ALCETO
I know. Xena. You're obsessed with her.
ARES
Call it what you will. I think I've made an excellent
case against her. I want a judgment. Now.
Furies! Ares, God of War, has need of our judgment.
You've all heard his complaint against the Warrior
Princess. How do you judge?
It's unanimous. The Furies have found Xena guilty
of all charges.
ARES
The sentence?
ALCETO
What will it be? Persecution or madness?
ARES
How about persecution and madness?
ALCETO
It's highly unusual to do both.
ARES
I'll be most appreciative.
ALCETO
It shall be done. Hear me, gods and goddesses.
Xena, Warrior Princess, has committed a terrible
crime. She will be punished by persecution
and madness.
ARES
Cool.
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Ah, you're afraid.
XENA
Yeah, I'm terrified. I just don't gamble.
GABRIELLE
You don't gamble? Xena, who are we kidding here?
Every day of your life is a roll of the die.
XENA
Well, what would we bet?
GABRIELLE
If I win you have to cook breakfast for me
tomorrow morning.
XENA
You call that winning?
GABRIELLE
Good point. If I win, you have to collect all the
firewood for one week.
XENA
And if I win, you have to make those little dumplings
with the red stuff inside. Oh, please.
GABRIELLE
Okay.
XENA
Yeah.
GABRIELLE
All right, to that cypress.
XENA
Wait. How big a lead did you say?
GABRIELLE
Three strides. One, two, three. Okay. On your
mark, get set-
Go.
I win!
That is cheating.
Okay, cheating's an overstatement.
Hey, boys, out for a morning hunt?
RUFINUS
Yeah and you're the quarry, Xena.
XENA
And why is that?
RUFINUS
Well, there's a bounty on your head and we plan
to collect it.
XENA
You know, fellas, there are less painful ways of
making a dinar, but, um, if you insist.
Oh, demons of the soul,
over Xena's reason roll.
Replace Heliades' sweet illusion
with the poison of delusion.
To Xena's head do not be kind,
for it's your job to make her lose her mind.
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Xena.
Wait! I didn't mean to do that.
Here. All right. Okay.
I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Go!
This thing is great! And to think I've only been
using it all these years as a weapon!
Xena, you're acting really strange.
XENA
Don't be ridiculous, Mavis. Alley-oop, Argo!
Hey, I like this. I can see where I've been!
GABRIELLE
Xena, now, that, that warrior said that there's a
bounty on your head. Don't you wanna know
what that's about?
Love to. But I don't think he's gonna tell me anything.
GABRIELLE
Why don't you put the pinch on him?
XENA
Hah!
I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other
pertinent body parts. So, tell me, how old were
you when you lost your virginity?
GABRIELLE
Xena.
XENA
Shut up, Mavis, this is important.
RUFINUS
Fourteen.
XENA
Come on.
RUFINUS
Okay, okay, nineteen--nineteen.
XENA
See, Mavis, all you have to do is act nicely.
GABRIELLE
Quick! Tell us who put the bounty on Xena's head.
RUFINUS
The priest.
GABRIELLE
What priest?
RUFINUS
The temple of the Furies.
GABRIELLE
The Furies?
XENA
All right, all right. Here's one for you. What is the
capital of Assyria?
GABRIELLE
Xena, take the pinch off him, now!
XENA
Well, all right, but I think there's still more he
could tell us.
Where are you going?
XENA
To get something to eat. I'm starved.
GABRIELLE
What about the Furies?
XENA
They can get their own.
GABRIELLE
Xena, I think something terrible has happened
to you. You're not thinking clearly.
XENA
Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast.
GABRIELLE
No. Look. I think the Furies are punishing you
for something. Legend has it they punish with
persecution, which explains the bounty and
the madness.
XENA
Madness?
GABRIELLE
Yes.
XENA
I've never felt better!
GABRIELLE
Let's go to the temple of the Furies and find out
what's going on.
XENA
No.
GABRIELLE
Please, Xena.
Will you do it for me? Please?
XENA
Okay.
Go, horsey!
There are many crimes which the Furies punish
with madness.
XENA
Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy. What
do you think?
I think we have a serious problem, here, Xena.
XENA
I could lose the daisies.
GABRIELLE
It's not your look that I'm talking about. It's what's
going on inside your head.
You don't wanna go there, it's terrifying.
GABRIELLE
Doesn't that concern you?
XENA
What do you think? It's too leafy?
GABRIELLE
I think I'm gonna get some sleep.
(whispers) Xena.
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Look at you, the guilt, the shame. It's stamped
on your faces, clear as mud. And I won't let you
get away with it. I'm here to avenge your heinous
crimes. I've come to take retribution!
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
I've come to take retribution in flames!
What are you doing?
XENA
Delivering the wrath of justice. These people are
evil incarnate. They must burn.
GABRIELLE
Xena, what have they done?
XENA
What have they done? Look, can't you see the
women and children?! They've crucified the
women and children!
GABRIELLE
Xena. Xena, the only people here are women
and children. Xena, they're afraid of you.
(whispers) Give me the torch.
I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
No, we'll get through this.
Xena, we have to get to the temple of the Furies.
XENA
The Furies, right. (to child) I'm sorry.
Xena, pull yourself together.
XENA
Pull my finger.
LYSIS
Who's there? Ah, the Warrior Princess. You've
heard about the bounty, I take it.
XENA
The price on my head? Oh, yes. Well, if it's my
head you want, then take it, 'cause frankly, it's
driving me crazy!
GABRIELLE
What's going on with my friend?
LYSIS
The Furies have punished her with both persecution
and madness. They must be appalled by her crime.
GABRIELLE
What is it?
LYSIS
A breach of duty that the Furies are bound to punish.
GABRIELLE
So, what does she have to do?
LYSIS
Avenge the murder of a member of her family.
Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder
of my brother is a liar.
GABRIELLE
Xena!
XENA
His killer died at my hands.
LYSIS
Not your brother.
GABRIELLE
Who, then?
LYSIS
Your father.
XENA
My fa--father?
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
My fa--father
LYSIS
Yes, he was murdered.
By who?
LYSIS
That I don't know. The Furies' punishment will
continue until this crime is avenged.
GABRIELLE
Xena, do you wanna sit down?
Xena! Wait! Come back!
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Bacchus. Bacchus.
No! It's me! It's--it's me. It's Gabrielle.
XENA
To the gods.
GABRIELLE
Now, put that down. Xena! Look.
XENA
To the gods.
GABRIELLE
Listen to me.
XENA
We're worthless insects.
GABRIELLE
Xena, I'm gonna help you.
XENA
They're gonna kill us for their sport!
I'll help you if you let me. I can help. Xena, listen!
Xena, we have to find out who murdered your
father! Xena, if we can bring him to justice, we
can satisfy the Furies, Xena. This is what happened
to Orestes! Xena, he didn't avenge his father either!
You know, to the gods we are nothing but dirty
little beetles and they'll kill us for their sport. Well,
I'm sorry, Gabrielle, you can't come with me but - I
can't be trusted, you know?
You behave yourself. I'm rather ashamed of you.
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You behave, or you don't get to come.
RUFINUS
She's coming right at us. Come on, guys. She's
a babbling idiot. She doesn't even know we're here.
Thank you.
EXTRA
Xena.
EXTRA
Oh, she looks so strange.
EXTRA
Stay out of her way.
EXTRA
What's wrong with her?
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Xena, what happened?
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Cyrene-
CYRENE
She's been driven mad by the Furies.
GABRIELLE
She was able to tell you that?
CYRENE
No, she's incoherent. But ever since I heard what
the Furies did to Orestes, I've been hoping against
hope this day'd never arrive.
GABRIELLE
So, you know what happened to her father.
CYRENE
He was murdered.
GABRIELLE
Cyrene, do you know who did it?
Cyrene?
CYRENE
Yes.
GABRIELLE
We have to know. Maybe, then, we can bring the
murderer to justice and satisfy the Furies.
CYRENE
Gabrielle, do you think that Xena, even in this state,
could kill her mother?
GABRIELLE
What?
CYRENE
I killed Xena's father.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Xena was seven. Her father came home from
the temple of Ares, drunk and angry. He told me
Xena had to die. He was...very confused, Xena.
The priest at the temple must have told him to
sacrifice you to Ares. Your father was...very dedicated
to the God of War. I told him that I wouldn't let him
do that. He said he'd kill me too, then. He went
to the stables to sharpen a knife. He was so
methodical, the way he planned to kill his own
daughter. I took an ax and I stopped him.
This is the same mess that Orestes was in.
CYRENE
Yes, the circumstances are the same. His mother
killed his father and so his obligation, according
to the code of the Furies, was to kill his mother.
GABRIELLE
Did it work?
CYRENE
I don't know. I heard he still lives in a village not
far from here. Andreas.
GABRIELLE
Maybe I can find him. Maybe I can find a way to
get us out of this.
CYRENE
Perhaps.
GABRIELLE
Then I'm off to Andreas.
Xena? Look, I know you're in there. Hey, we're
gonna get through this. You know, we always do.
So Mama killed Papa. Doesn't matter. You were
trying to save my life, right? I should be grateful.
But you have to admit, you did put me in something
of a jam, didn't you? I have an interesting choice,
now. I can kill you or, I can spend the rest of
my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid
clarity. Did you know that sanity is just a veil that
the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from
seeing the truth?
CYRENE
What is the truth, Xena?
XENA
That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that!
And you know what the punch line is? The punch
line is that no matter what we do, we still end up
as food for the worms. Mother, there really is only
one way out of this.
Go ahead, do it.
XENA
Oh, no, no. You don't get out of it that easy. I leave
you to entertain the gods. I am retiring from the stage.
Xena.
XENA
Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.
If I stay around here much longer, some innocent
people are gonna get killed. I'm doing them a favour.
Xena, what are you doing?
XENA
Why am I not surprised to find that you have an
interest in all this?
ARES
Of course, I do. You're my favourite. I don't wanna
see you throw yourself off some cliff. If for no other
reason, it's such a tastelessly melodramatic way
out of this life.
XENA
Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares and I have limited
choices. Madness is a rotten way to go through life.
Now, Xena? Don't do that. There is another solution.
XENA
Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so.
ARES
Well, I heard what you said to your mother. And
you were right of course, what you said about life.
XENA
I was ranting.
ARES
Like a prophet. Xena, you were never so close
to the truth.
XENA
If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living,
this is not a good strategy.
ARES
No, life isn't worth living. It's to be taken, and
beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image.
That's where the meaning lies, in what you can
twist life into. For those who just endure life,
yeah, it is a very nasty joke. But for those who
form it with their will, the joke is on those who
get in the way.
XENA
I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense.
ARES
This melodrama with your family, put it all behind
you. You don't know how common it is for a jealous
man to try and punish his wife by hurting the child.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
XENA
Yes, I think I do.
ARES
Satisfy the Furies. Give your mother to the worms.
You are on the brink of ultimate freedom, Xena.
Do it. You'll be reborn into a world of true choice,
beyond good and evil. And not only will you regain
your sanity, but you'll see the world as few have
seen it, as a playground to your will. Now, do it.
XENA
But how will the Furies know if I do it?
ARES
They'll know.
XENA
But how?
ARES
They'll know.
XENA
You expect me to trust you? I'm crazy, I'm not stupid.
If I'm gonna whack Mamma, I wanna get something
out of it. I want to know that the Furies are watching!
ARES
They'll see it. It's a god thing.
XENA
I won't do it unless it's in front of the Furies!
ARES
All right, it can be arranged.
XENA
Good. I'll get Mom.
Xena, you're all right.
XENA
I'm anything but all right, Mother.
CYRENE
Yes, of course. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Maybe Gabrielle'll find a-
XENA
Stop it! Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without
me. She's a useless little pissant, really, now
that I see things clearly.
CYRENE
That's not true. And I don't think you're seeing
things clearly at all.
XENA
No matter. I'm crazy and you're dead. Let's go.
CYRENE
What are you saying?!
XENA
Don't push it with me, Mother.
CYRENE
Xena, if that's what you feel you have to do.
XENA
Oh, the self-sacrificing mother. That's such a
tired cliché. Tell me, Mother. When you and Daddy
were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels,
was it good?
CYRENE
Please, Xena. Let's just get this over with.
XENA
I have a right to know about the act that brought
me into this miserable world.
CYRENE
I will not talk about that!
XENA
I'm losing patience with you.
CYRENE
Your father was away at war. Suddenly, one night,
he was there with me. And, yes, it was good!
XENA
Thank you, Mother. As you say, let's get this over with.
I don't understand. This is an asylum. Are you
sure we're talking about the same man?
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That's right. Here he is. See for yourself.
GABRIELLE
Orestes? So he didn't do it.
KEEPER
Didn't do what?
GABRIELLE
He didn't avenge his father's murder.
KEEPER
Oh, yeah, he did. He killed his mother, Clytemnestra.
GABRIELLE
But I thought that-
KEEPER
That he'd be liberated from his madness if he
killed his mother?
GABRIELLE
Yes.
KEEPER
Ah-h, it's all a lie. If they persecuted him for not
avenging his father's murder, what were they
going to do to him for killing his mother? There
was no way out for him.
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Furies, hear me! I, Ares, God of War, demand
your presence at this act of redemption!
She's the murderess? And the avenging party?
ACT FOUR
Don't! Xena, it won't do any good!
Sometimes that is the only way to shut her up.
Is there a problem, Xena?
XENA
Why am I doing this?
ARES
She killed your father. You have to avenge his
death or the Furies will torment you for eternity.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, go.
XENA
All right. She killed my father?
ARES
Yes! Murdered him in cold blood. Show her
no mercy.
XENA
But how could she kill my father when my father
is very much alive?
Right, Daddy?
ARES
(to Alceto) If you've noticed, she is crazy.
XENA
Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd and I might
cut Mommy up later, just for fun, but not because
she killed my father. Because you're my father.
Look at that hunk of burning love you had, Mom.
ARES
This is nonsense. Don't you think Cyrene might
have mentioned this before now?
XENA
That's not a very good explanation, Daddy. Gabrielle,
tell him. Do the bard thing.
GABRIELLE
The legends say that...Ares takes the form of his
warriors and he visits their wives while they're
away at battle.
XENA
Mom, tell him.
CYRENE
The night Xena was conceived, my husband came
home unexpectedly from war.
ARES
(to Alceto) This is ridiculous.
XENA
(to Alceto) Do you ladies eavesdrop on us whackos
when you're tormenting us?
ALCETO
Frequently, yes.
XENA
Did you hear that little chit-chat that Daddy and I
had on the cliff when he thought I was gonna throw
myself over? (to Ares) Had you going there, didn't I?
(to Alceto) Well, did you?
ALCETO
Yes.
XENA
You ladies do dress the part, don't you? Did you
wonder why Ares used the word 'jealous' when
referring about my alleged father?
ALECTO
That was odd. Why jealous?
ARES
I meant he was jealous in the attention Cyrene
showed Xena. It's a common phenomenon.
XENA
Oh.
Now, here's my theory. Ares and Mom do their
thing, she gets ripe with me and then, shortly
after that, her husband comes home from war
and he thinks that his manhood did the trick. Well,
I pop out and he thinks he's my father. Well, things
go on like this for years and then one night, at
the Temple of Ares, someone, maybe a drunken
priest, (to Ares) maybe you, spills the beans. A
jealous rage ensues. Mom does her thing with
the ax and, hah, here we are.
You're not buying any of this. I am not the father.
ALCETO
Why would he go to all this trouble just to drive
you insane?
ARES
Huh? Huh?
XENA
Because a mad Xena would be more sympathetic
to his quaint world view. And you were right. I
meant it when I said that you were beginning to
make sense to me. But the best bit, the best bit
of all - and this is a proud daughter talking - is
when I kill Mom, thereby dooming myself forever
to insanity and complete dependence on you. I
have ways to prove it.
ALCETO
What's that?
XENA
We fight. If I'm half god, I should be able to hold
my own. And if I'm not, well, surely the God of
War will win.
ARES
(to Alceto) This is ridiculous.
ALCETO
What are you afraid of, Ares?
XENA
Me.
'Cause he knows that I'm half god and all crazy.
Hey, come on, you two, you're not gonna get it
again, are you?
I'm gonna use you as a shield, Gabrielle.
Just kidding.
I win!
Well, I think I've proved my point.
Girls, he's been giving you rotten fruit. Well, as I
was say, I think I've proved my point.
ALCETO
Agreed.
Mother.
ALCETO
Zeus and the other gods will hear about this
betrayal of a sacred trust.
Ahh.
ALCETO
(to Lysis) We'll talk later about the fruit.
ARES
I've been on the outs with the family before. They
need me.
You don't really think I'm your father, do you?
XENA
It doesn't matter. The Furies think you are. That's
all that counts.
That was brilliant. If I was your father, I'd be
very, very proud of you.
I still don't get what you see in her.
Here.
XENA
Great.
GABRIELLE
Xena, you knew what your mom would say about
the night of your conception. And you knew exactly
what I would say. Well, I don't know if I like being
that predictable.
XENA
I knew you were gonna say that.
CYRENE
Xena, your father...
GABRIELLE
Um, I'll collect some more firewood.
I took him away from you.
XENA
Mother.
CYRENE
It seemed like the only way.
XENA
I'm sure it was. I never really knew him. I...the
hardest thing for me was giving up the hope.
CYRENE
Hope?
XENA
I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him, somewhere.
Understand him, understand myself. I know that
will never be.
CYRENE
Can you ever forgive me?
XENA
There is nothing to forgive. You saved my life.
I owe you my thanks. I'm sorry that you had to
carry this alone all these years.
We'll go on. We'll be stronger than before.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Darien Takle as Cyrene
Äsa Lindh as Alceto
Graciela Heredia as Megaera
Celi Foncesca as Tisiphone
Gordon Hatfield as Rufinus
Craig Walsh-Wrightson as Lysis
Reuben Purchase as Keeper
Steve Farac-Ciprian as Orestes
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: Gilbert Shilton
Disclaimer: Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own lap-dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.
