The Quill is Mightier...
This transcript is dedicated to the memories of Kevin Smith and Hilary J. Bader.
Come on! Xena rocks!
EXTRA
Aphrodite blows!
Delinquent losers! I've got half a mind to hit you with-
ARES (voice-over)
A love bolt?
Hardly seems a threat. My, my, they certainly
made a mess here.
APHRODITE
Back off, Aer, I'm bummed out enough.
ARES
You know what your problem is.
APHRODITE
Duh! Your little Xena!
Gabrielle, her friend. See, I only made the warrior.
She made the legend. Have you read any of her
so-called stories? Huh. "A warrior who loves the
common person." You'd think she was a goddess.
Pretty soon, when people think of 'love,' they're
gonna think Xena, not Aphrodite.
APHRODITE
Xena?
ARES
Don't blame her. It's Gabrielle and her busy quill.
That's your problem.
I love starting a new scroll. The feel of it in your hands.
The look, so clean. So perfectly empty.
Listen, the way it crinkles the first time you open
it. And that smell. It's just a special, untouched
scent. Try.
It smells like musty old leather to me.
GABRIELLE
Well, to the non-creative person, perhaps. Let's
see. Your last adventure began with...
XENA
Don't you ever get tired of just writing down what
I do? Why don't you create new characters? New images?
GABRIELLE
You mean fiction? Well, I thought about trying that.
Someday. Do you really think I could?
XENA
Give it a shot. Quietly. Good night.
"Xena-"
XENA
And make someone else the hero for a change.
"Xena had gone fishing. The lone warrior, Gabrielle,
awoke with a jerk, as five barbarians rode out of
the woods. Twirling her trusty staff, she delivered
kicks of such fury." This fiction stuff can be really fun.
Oh, yeah, a lot of fun.
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Xena! We've got company! Xena! Wake up! Wake
up! Xena!
Xena! Okay, you asked for it!
Round and up and down she goes! Where she
stops, nobody knows!
EXTRA
Huh?
Ow.
EXTRA
Ow!
EXTRA
She's too much for us!
EXTRA
Let's get out of here!
EXTRA
Yah! Yah! Yah!
And don't come back!
GABRIELLE
Did you see that?! Back flips! I don't do back flips.
JOXER
Do you have armour on, under there?
GABRIELLE
Where's Xena? Who were those-? What are you-?
Wait a minute.
"Xena had gone...the lone warrior, Gabrielle...five
barbarians...she started twirling her trusty staff,
delivering kicks of such fury...deflected the thrust
of a sword with her mighty abs." I wrote this.
JOXER
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait. Are you saying,
anything you write in there comes true? Excuse
me while I laugh.
Yeow! Catch!
Ow. Ow. Something's wrong with this stick.
Why'd I do that?
GABRIELLE
Because I wrote you did. I can write anything
and...and it comes true.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
In my hands, this scroll could be a gift to mankind.
Xena will be very proud when she comes back
from fishing.
JOXER
Fishing?
GABRIELLE
I wrote her fishing.
JOXER
What'd you write to bring me here?
Like, uh, you know, "Gabrielle, uh, appeared with
a guy with the heart of a lion, soul of a warrior," that
kind of thing. Let's see, uh-
"Xena has gone fi..."
GABRIELLE
"Fishing."
JOXER
"Fishing. Gabrielle awoke with a jerk. Gabrielle
awoke with a jerk." That's a funny phrase. I can't
find anything. I must've come here on my own.
What do we do now?
What do we do? What won't we do? Stories can
be anything we want them to be. Happy endings
can truly happen, Joxer.
JOXER
Hmm.
Excuse me. Aren't you the Sisters of Gaea?
PRIESTESS #1
Yes.
GABRIELLE
Is there something that we can do to, um, help you?
PRIESTESS #1
We're collecting goods for our orphans, things
we can sell in our shop in town. If you have anything-
Now, that would fetch a pretty dinar.
Yes, I'm sure it would, but I wouldn't give this up
just for anybody. Still, for the, uh, Sisters of Gaea.
She means your scabbard.
JOXER
Oh, right. Uh, no, no, oh, no, I couldn't. My father
gave me this. It was the only thing he ever gave
me, except get the sword, myself. I wouldn't part
with this for anything.
Oh, too bad. Ceremonial weapons and the like
are a hot commodity in Kargas.
JOXER
Oh.
GABRIELLE
Well, you know, Sister, I think you're going to get
a surprise gift, right about now.
Here.
PRIESTESS #1
This will provide for our orphans for years!
PRIESTESS #2
Yes, it's a miracle.
GABRIELLE
You're welcome.
PRIESTESS #2
Thank you.
Give me back my kinsman's sword!
MAN
I just gave it away. Why did I do that?
SCABORUS
Well, it doesn't really matter now, does it?!
Did the little blonde girlie scare the big, hairy men?
BARBARIAN LEADER
We are barbarians. We fear nothing.
EXTRA
Yeah.
BARBARIAN LEADER
We fight with the heart of a lion.
APHRODITE
And you run with the feet of a chicken. Now, get
back on your horsies and go back after her.
EXTRA
Yes, ma'am.
Barbarians.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We don't need your money, Joxer. I've got it covered.
(to Tavern Keeper) How much will that be?
TAVERN KEEPER
Tha--that will be...free. All the food is free! And the
drinks are on the house!
GABRIELLE
You see there? All the food is free and the drinks
are on the-
Free mead! I can't hold on!
GABRIELLE
I think I have to be a bit more careful with my
wording. Hey.
JOXER
Good ale.
No way, Ares. Not until I know for sure that Xena
has left the valley.
ARES
I'm giving you my word. I've taken care of it; she's gone.
My men might believe that. I can barely hold
them back. They wanna loot that valley now. Xena,
or no Xena, but I'm not that stupid.
And how stupid are you? Stupid enough to call
the God of War a liar?
THALLONIUS
May--may--maybe, but I'm definitely not stupid
enough to go up against Xena.
Keep your men here. I'll give you a signal. You'll
know Xena's gone then.
THALLONIUS
But what--what's the signal?
ARES
You'll know when you see it.
That's what I think.
EXTRA
I'll drink to that!
EXTRA
Fill her up!
GABRIELLE
Well, time's a-wasting. We've got a lot of good to
do today, Joxer, a lot of good.
EXTRA
I love you, man.
EXTRA
Hah! You're drunk!
EXTRA
Who are you calling drunk?
Come on, Billius. You've had enough!
BILLIUS
Who are you to tell me I've had enough!
You know? There's always one drunk who spoils
it for everyone.
JOXER
One drunk?
EXTRA
Hey! That's my mead!
Couldn't get any worse.
GABRIELLE
Well, this wasn't supposed to happen.
BARBARIAN LEADER
Where are they?!
JOXER
It got worse.
You. You think you can make fools of us?
We are barbarians.
We will...go west.
EXTRA
Huh?
BARBARIAN LEADER
Yes. We will go west.
Come on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The barbarians are headed for the Sisters of
Gaea orphanage!
Minor setback. "They turned east."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
No! We go east!
Now they're heading for Akanacia!
Um, "The barbarians disappeared from the land!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This way, to the boats. We'll become pirates
and kill all who sail the seas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Um, "The barbarians went to the caves and fell
into a deep sleep."
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Wait! To the caves! I'm exhausted.
So, this is all the good you wanted to do, huh?
GABRIELLE
Forget it. I am not writing another word.
APHRODITE
Yes!
Olives! Fresh olives!
GABRIELLE
Now, I don't get it. I mean, my writing has always
been really vivid. I just am missing something.
JOXER
Well, maybe it's too vivid. Maybe it needs a
little work. Editing, or something, you know?
GABRIELLE
I've got it! I'm not editing my work. Joxer, that's it.
That's all I have to do. I just have to be more careful.
Do you realize that now that I know the power of
this scroll, I can end hunger. I can end disease.
I can end...I can end war. Okay.
"The will of mortals won out-" Edit. "-and war lost
all its power."
My powers! What's happened to my powers?!
You! Whaddya done to me?
GABRIELLE
Um, it's, it's not my fault. I--I--I can fix this. Um--um,
"The--the force that enchanted the scroll lost its powers."
Whoa. Wipeout.
GABRIELLE
Hmm.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Are you out of your mind? You gave this blonde
harpy powers of destiny?
APHRODITE
No, I enchanted a scroll. And don't act so surprised!
You wanted me to do it.
ARES
No, no, see, what I wanted was for you to go
after her so we could get Xena out of the way.
APHRODITE
Exsqueeze me. It worked. Kinda.
GABRIELLE
Wait a minute. You wanted Xena out of the way,
so you enchanted my scroll?
APHRODITE
Ares was being his usual manipulative self. He's
got some army somewhere, ready to pounce on
the valley. He wanted Xena out of the way, so
he wanted to get me mad at you.
ARES
You figured that all out by yourself, did you?
APHRODITE
Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes.
Look, Sweetpea, just give me back my powers,
then I'll unzap the scroll.
ARES
No, no, write mine back in first. That army's waiting
for me to give them a signal that Xena's gone.
APHRODITE
Mmm, not helping your cause any, Slick.
ARES
Oh. I promise, if you give me my powers back,
I'll call off the attack. Okay?
Pigs can fly?
ARES
You can.
JOXER
Wait. If you undo the scroll, Xena's gonna come
back and then the army won't attack.
GABRIELLE
That makes sense. Uh, "Aphrodite is as she
was before."
She is as she was before. It's all in the wording.
GABRIELLE
Okay, what if we fill up the scroll completely?
Will that end the curse?
APHRODITE
Oh, so now it's a curse. Before, it was a gift.
And, no. Once you run out of room, that's it.
Everything just stays the way it was when you
wrote it.
JOXER
Look, just write, "Everything is as it was before."
APHRODITE
Then we'll all go back to our baby cribs and you'll
go back under your rock. Did you write him here?
GABRIELLE
Not exactly, I-
Ah. "Gabrielle awoke with a jerk."
I don't get it. What's so funny about waking up?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Munk.
MUNK
Thallonius, is that the signal to attack?
No, not the signal.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to deconstruct the story, starting from the
beginning which means I have to bring Xena
back, first.
ARES
Oh. "Xena rides in at the head of an army." That's good.
GABRIELLE
We could end up with an army of ants, or children
or--or Harpies, or-
JOXER
Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, why don't we
describe her?
GABRIELLE
"Suddenly there was the arrival of the woman."
ARES
Leather. Mention the leather.
GABRIELLE
"Wearing leather and, um-"
"-black hair, carrying her chakram."
JOXER
Wait. Does anybody really know what a chakram
is? And does the scroll know it?
GABRIELLE
"Carrying the whip of Xena."
I'm here. I don't know why, but I know I'm here
to do something.
GABRIELLE
Minya?
ARES
Who is this?
GABRIELLE
This is Minya. She's our friend. She wants to be
Xena and she has Xena's whip.
MINYA
Never leaves my side. So, who's the stud, the
dork and that bottled blonde?
GABRIELLE
This is Ares, Aphrodite and Joxer.
MINYA
Wha...Ares, God of War!
ARES
Hm-mm.
MINYA
And Aphrodite! You're the Goddess of Love!
And Joxer, sorry, Bub, never heard'a ya.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is that-
THALLONIUS
No, Munk...that's lunch. Pluck it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mmm, you know one thing I like about being mortal.
What a trip!
MINYA
You know, my boyfriend, Hower, he thinks that
the Goddess of Love is just so beautiful and
perfect. Wait 'til he hears you're just as plain as
dirt on a wagon wheel, just like me.
I'm supposed to be the great bard with the
wonderful stories. I can't even write a happy ending
without screwing it up.
Yes you can. I think your stories are--are beautiful,
and, um, you know, not everything you write turns
into disaster. What about the Sisters of Gaea?
PRIESTESS #1
You know that sword that man gave us?
PRIESTESS #2
We sold it for a king's ransom to Philiadus.
See? You did some good. The orphans of Gaea.
You! That is my kinsman's sword and you are a
dead man.
GABRIELLE
Wait! What's your name?
SCABORUS
I am Scaborous. Why?
The caves. I must go to the caves.
ARES
Those caves are gonna start gettin' pretty full.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My throat is dry as dust. Where's my drink?
EXTRA
Coming, sir.
No, that's not the sign.
GABRIELLE (voice-over)
You know-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-I've been trying to bring Xena here. But why don't
we just go find her? I mean, there aren't that
many fishing places around here. I mean, we've
gotta find a trout stream, or a fishing hole, or
wherever I sent her off.
Why won't it stay up? Basic hair-care was not
such a drag as a goddess.
JOXER
I think it looks good on ya.
APHRODITE
Flattery works, keep going.
JOXER
Um, you know what? I--I have this question for you.
Um, I l...there's--there's this guy and he really
loves this girl, but this girl doesn't even know that-
APHRODITE
Hello, the love goddess is off the clock. I got
my own problems. All right. Poetry and if that doesn't
work...presents.
JOXER
Yeah?
APHRODITE
Yeah, lots and lots of presents.
JOXER
Huh.
APHRODITE
Okay?
JOXER
Yeah.
APHRODITE
Standard answer, now, give me my space.
JOXER
Huh. Poetry. Poetry.
Huh.
Let's see, um, which one does she have...
Those women!
What?
You wrote on the scroll?
JOXER
Oh, I-I, well, I was just trying to write a limerick
to cheer you up a little.
GABRIELLE
"A warrior, Joxer the Mighty,
Asked a boon from the god, Aphrodite.
And what a surprise,
He saw with love's eyes,
Three times-"
JOXER
Had a little trouble there. Anyone know a word
that ends in "ite"?
What does "love's eyes" have to do with me?
EXTRA
Thank the gods for this day!
JOXER
Well--well--well, the--the--the, um-
GABRIELLE
I get it. I get it.
Of course. "Love's eyes." Aphrodite's eyes. She
was looking at me when you wrote the poem, right?
JOXER
That's it, exactly. Now, let's send those three
to the caves.
O-oh, the--the, uh--uh, we can do it in a minute,
or now is good.
GABRIELLE
To the caves!
The caves.
Aphrodite. Aphrodite said get her a present.
How am I gonna get you a present with no...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a family heirloom, passed from father to
son. Will you trade for it?
Yeah, I'll trade. But you'll have to be quick. It's late.
I'm tired and...I'm always open for business.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is-
JOXER
You like it?
GABRIELLE
Uh, it's--it's beautiful. But why?
JOXER
'Cause I wanted to get you something. You know,
just to, uh, say sorry for the three naked yous
and--and everything.
I, um, I had to...trade my father's scabbard for it.
GABRIELLE
What?
JOXER
I had to trade my father's scabbard for it.
GABRIELLE
Joxer, you said that you would never, ever part
with that scabbard.
JOXER
Well, you know, Gabrielle, some things in life are
worth more than what they seem.
GABRIELLE
The scroll, Joxer.
JOXER
Yeah?
GABRIELLE
I hid the scroll in the scabbard.
JOXER
You did?
GABRIELLE
Where is it, now?!
Ow! I traded a peddler for it. We can get it back!
Ow! What's the odds he's gonna figure it out?!
WOMAN
You'd better hurry! It's raining dinars in town!
JOXER
That's funny.
ACT THREE
I've got it. Mm-hmm. I've got it. I know exactly what
to write, but first we have to get the scroll.
ARES
And just what will you write?
GABRIELLE
Well, Ares, that's my business. Now, Aphrodite,
Minya, I want you to go to town. I want you to find
out where the peddler went. Ares and I are going
to go where it's raining dinars and look for him there.
JOXER
What about me?
GABRIELLE
Well, Joxer-
Oh.
GABRIELLE
-you get to go to the caves-
JOXER
Say, Gab-
GABRIELLE
-and you get to wait.
JOXER
Huh.
GABRIELLE
Come on!
Do...the caves.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi there, big boy.
Call me when you've had a bath, toots.
Okay, the tavern-keeper said the peddler headed
out of town. What's wrong?
APHRODITE
I'm gonna end up like you!
These ruts are deep, as if he's carrying a load
of dinars.
ARES
Where'd you learn to read trails like that?
GABRIELLE
Xena of course. You know, you hang around her
long enough, you're bound to pick up something.
You just have to focus.
ARES
Oh, yeah. I taught her that. When she came to me,
she was just another lost warlord, hungry to kill.
I gave her a purpose.
GABRIELLE
Well, she has a different purpose now.
ARES
I know. She is so darned good at it. You know
what she did when I had her on trial for her life
it--it was amazing.
GABRIELLE
Well, how about what she pulled off with the Furies?
ARES
Oh, it was brilliant. Yeah. And she does it all with
that--that steely gaze, you know?
GABRIELLE
Oh, yeah, I've seen that one a few times. Ah, it
looks like he's heading for the caves.
ARES
Yeah. We were starting to warm up to each other
there, weren't we?
GABRIELLE
Yeah, we were.
ARES
I didn't like it.
GABRIELLE
Right back at'cha.
ARES
Okay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer!
JOXER
Shhh! I'm trying to disarm 'em.
GABRIELLE
I don't know how, but you're going to screw it up.
Now, just back away.
JOXER
I'm not gonna screw it up. As long as they don't
wake up before I find the ped-
That's the guy!
Who's got it?!
The scroll. Gab--Gab--Gab!
Kill them! Kill them!
JOXER
Get him!
BARBARIAN LEADER
Kill them!
Come on! Let's go!
Ugh!
GABRIELLE
Not the scroll!
Back off!
Ugh! My kinsman's sword!
Nice lookin', huh? Yeah.
I'll take that!
This way!
Time to end this once and for all.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You, there!
GABRIELLE
Stay back!
Gabrielle, over here.
Got'cha.
That's the way out of the caves!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sword!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on! They're getting away!
ARES
Me? I'm mortal. I might be killed.
MINYA
Gods!
You hair-balls! Get back here!
What'd you write in that scroll?!
GABRIELLE
Instead of bringing Xena to the scroll, I sent the
scroll to Xena. I just hope I phrased it right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ha-ha. If that's not a sign from Ares, I don't know
what is. Attack!
ACT FOUR
Ares, we have got to catch up with your warrior
friend, so we can call off his attack.
ARES
Well, I can't stop them as a mortal. When I get
my powers back, I promise
I'm gonna punish Thallonius and his army in some
painful, horrible way.
GABRIELLE
You know, innocent people are going to die.
ARES
Oh, yes, innocent people.
GABRIELLE
Look! With or without you, we're going to fight Thallonius.
APHRODITE
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-wait. Who, exactly, is "We"?
JOXER
Wait. Did I smell something?
APHRODITE
Lay off of me, turkey!
JOXER
No. Oh, it's fish!
APHRODITE
I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing!
Xena?
XENA
Are you looking for this, huh? I, uh, I took it off a
peddler, who was being chased by barbarians,
who was being chased by, uh, three naked
Gabrielles and Minya. She's still chasing them,
by the way. Oh, yeah, I read the scroll.
Kind of messed it up, didn't I?
XENA
Pretty much. Did you write that limerick?
JOXER
I did.
XENA
Figures.
GABRIELLE
You know, I tried to get you back. I tried, "Xena
goes to her number one friend."
XENA
You sent me to visit a girl I hadn't seen since
I was five, my first friend.
ARES
What about, "Xena rejoins the woman who brought
her to a new life"?
XENA
Mom says thanks for the fish. I did start back
once, but then I was overtaken by this irresistible
urge to return to fishing. I figure that's where you
wrote, "Xena returns from her journey." And then
I knew that something was up. I had visited
just about everyone who ever meant anything to
me, well, except you. That's when I headed back.
APHRODITE
Look, I really hate to be the one to break up,
like, a major love-fest, but look at me! I'm not
built to be mortal! We have to put things back
the way they were!
JOXER
Yeah and stop Thallonius from destroying the valley.
APHRODITE
Whatever.
XENA
Aphrodite, what was the charm that you used for
the scroll? Exact wording.
APHRODITE
Um, "Lies will make the world go 'round, 'til truer
words are written down."
XENA
So, if you make something up, the scroll has the
power to make it happen. And when truer words
are written, the power ends. Well, that's it! All we
have to do is write the truth.
GABRIELLE
Okay, but then how will we get rid of this warlord, Thallonius?
XENA
I'll take care of him, but you have to write down
everything that I do, no embellishing, no
poetic license, just exactly what you see, all right?
APHRODITE
But how're we gonna know if it worked?
XENA
When you get your powers back, we'll know.
What's wrong?
GABRIELLE
I, um, I'm not really good at writing action.
ARES
What? You follow Xena around-
You--you follow Xena around all day, you write
stories about her. How do you do this without
writing action?
GABRIELLE
You see, I use metaphors. I write, "Xena burst
on the scene in a blaze of glory."
JOXER
You do that, we'll be picking her up in a million pieces.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attack! Attack! Attack! Go! Go! Go! Go! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill! Attack! Attack! Get up! Get up! Get up!
Xena lays with a pike, then a trout. Bam, bam,
two quick bass. Oh! He's taking it on the chin!
XENA
Ha-ha-ha!
That octopus came out of nowhere. Huh! She
must have thrown that just for the halibut.
Write, "Xena hit the warrior with a squid."
JOXER
That was an octopus.
ARES
I think I know a squid when I see one.
Oh no!
"Xena whacked the warrior with her sword."
GABRIELLE
"Whacked"? Is that a word?
JOXER
"Hit," say, "Hit."
GABRIELLE
I don't think that's very literary. Okay, "Hit."
Xena fought with the warrior leader.
GABRIELLE
"Fought with the..."
JOXER
Yeah. Hey, what do you mean, "Awoke with a jerk"?
ARES
Just keep to the script.
I'm ready for action. Where's Xena?
Minya, where are the barbarians?
MINYA
They stopped fighting and ran back to Barbaria.
My hormones are peaking. I'm ready for action.
I'm gonna crack some heads!
I'm back! Later!
Hmm. Oh. S--sorry.
Run, maggot!
O-oh, I still got it.
What's that?
"What's that?!"
You know? I expected more from the God of
War. I mean, without his powers, he's just another
man. Just another big old, leather-clad, well-muscled,
gorgeous, hunk a bad-boy man.
GABRIELLE
How are those hormones, Minya?
MINYA
Raging. I, uh, I might go see Hower.
Weird.
Hmm. I guess everything's fine, now.
XENA
I guess so.
JOXER
Hey, look, you still got some extra space at the
bottom of the scroll.
GABRIELLE
I guess that means there's something else to write.
XENA
Try, "The End."
Well, okay, I just, I personally think that sounds a bit-
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Kevin Smith as Ares
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Alison Wall as Minya
Stephen Hall as Thelonius
Ranald Hendriks as Munk
John McKee as Scaberus
Lawrence Makoare as Barbarian Leader
Chris Auchinvole as Man
Alvin Fitisemanu as Tavern Keeper
Ann Baxter as Woman/Village Woman/Old Woman
Jean Hyland as Priestess #1
Beryl Te Wiata as Priestess #2
Paul Norell as Peddler
Peter Mason as Billius
Andrew Glover as Man #2
Written by: Hilary J. Bader
Directed by: Andrew Merrifield
Disclaimer: No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
