Tsunami
Line coming down!
EXTRA
Right here!
EXTRA
Throw those sacks up!
EXTRA
Tie that off!
EXTRA
I'll take care of this!
EXTRA
Yes, sir!
PALMIST (voice-over)
You're going on a long voyage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I see a man on this voyage.
Let me guess, tall, dark and handsome, right?
PALMIST
As a matter of fact, he is.
XENA
Right. Come on, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Give her a chance. You see, we're not going on
a voyage. We just needed some supplies. We
were passing through.
PALMIST
Perhaps, I misread.
XENA
Perhaps.
Sorry. Your dinar.
Have another look.
What? What is it?
XENA
All right, Gabrielle, that's enough. Come on, please.
GABRIELLE
(to Xena) Did you hear that? She just described
every day of our lives.
XENA
Hmm.
Sort of spooky, huh?
XENA
If you buy into that kind of thing. Look, your future
is less in your palm than in your own two hands.
It's what you make of it.
GABRIELLE
Okay. Well, in that case, these two hands should
locate some food, or there'll be no dinner in our future.
XENA
Fine, I'll get everything else we need. I'll meet
you back here at noon.
GABRIELLE
Okay.
Move along, you dogs!
DOCKHAND
Careful, Miss. Convicts boardin'. Poor bastards.
CAPTAIN (voice-over)
Move, I said!
DOCKHAND
I mean, I know they done wrong, and--and they
oughtta be punished, but sellin' them to work
in the mines?
GABRIELLE
Must be a hard life.
DOCKHAND
Hard? It's no life at all. I'm tellin' you, Miss, you're
lookin' at dead men.
Autolycus. Autolycus.
AUTOLYCUS
Gabrielle, you shouldn't be here.
GABRIELLE
Me? You're in a chain gang. What happened?
AUTOLYCUS
A small miscalculation. Now, get outta here, will
ya? Before you make things worse.
GABRIELLE
Uh.
CAPTAIN
Hey! Hey, hey, Miss! No fraternizing with the
prisoners! Now, shove off!
EXTRA
No talking!
CAPTAIN
All hands on deck! Weigh anchor! We're losing
the tide!
EXTRA
I'll run stern to stern.
CAPTAIN
Hoist the mainsail! Prepare to cast off! Come on!
Let's move it! Let's go! Move it!
GABRIELLE
Wait! I--I just wanna talk to my friend.
CAPTAIN
You still here?!
AUTOLYCUS
Gabrielle, get outta here!
CAPTAIN
Take him below and cast her ashore!
AUTOLYCUS
Hey! There's no need to get rough!
SAILOR
You heard the captain! Stow it!
Why don't you pick on someone who can fight back?!
EXTRA
You're pathetic!
CAPTAIN
Go on! After her!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll take this one and this one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come back here, you Pixie!
GABRIELLE
Xena!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, quick!
SAILOR
I gotcha!
GABRIELLE
Xena, help!
SAILOR
No use struggling!
GABRIELLE
Xena!
EXTRA
Come here!
Xena!
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Xena!
XENA
Heeee-yahhhh!
Ah! Wahh!
Xena!
I guess we are going on a voyage, after all, huh?
What in Hades' name is going-
XENA
I'd like to know the answer to that, myself.
THADDEUS
Who are these women?! What are they doing
on board?! I didn't hire you as a passenger ship!
CAPTAIN
She tried to free one of your prisoners. Law says,
we gotta arrest her.
XENA
You did what?
GABRIELLE
There's been a mistake.
THADDEUS
Yes and you made it. Aiding a convict's a serious crime.
SORAYA
But Thaddeus, maybe she can explain.
THADDEUS
Soraya, you've no idea what these cons are like.
Believe me, it's not just because they're cheap
labour. I'm doing the state a favour, taking these
animals to do something useful!
GABRIELLE
Autolycus is not an animal!
XENA
Autolycus? What's he got to do with this?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh! Oh!
You tryin' to drown me?! Xena!
What are you doing here?!
XENA
You know? I was gonna ask you the same thing?
Chains aren't usually your look.
MACON
I got somethin' you can look at. Betcha'd like it, too.
Don't you think so, Petrodes? Or is that "Petrified"?
PETRODES
Real funny, Macon.
MACON
Then, why ain'tcha laughin'?
Back off!
THADDEUS
What did I tell ya? Animals! Captain! We need
help, here!
AUTOLYCUS
He-heh-heh. Come on, now. No need to get testy
over a little misunderstanding, right?
XENA
Oh, I think we understand one another perfectly.
Right, Macon?
(to Autolycus) All right, so what gives, huh? Nobody
keeps the King of Thieves in chains, unless he
wants to be there, so why would you wanna be
sent...to these mines? What's in 'em?
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, you know, the usual. Uh, dust, dirt, rocks.
XENA
Diamonds.
AUTOLYCUS
Diamonds? Oh, well, yeah, sure, you know, a few.
PETRODES
You kiddin'?! It's the largest diamond mine in
the world!
AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha-ha!
XENA and AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha.
AUTOLYCUS
Xena, if you think I would go to all the trouble, of
having myself caught and chained up j-
XENA
For the chance to bag some diamonds? Yeah,
call me crazy. Hm-mm-mm.
AUTOLYCUS
All right, I did. But, can you blame me? It's like
waving a red flag in front of a Minotaur. Xena, this
plan is a cinch, as long as you don't blow my cover.
What was that?! Did you feel it?! Some kinda jolt!
You didn't feel it?!
XENA
I did.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There it is, again. Didn't you feel that?
SORAYA
Sorry, it's a first, being on a ship. I don't know
how anything's supposed to feel.
GABRIELLE
Oh. Well, no wonder you're sick. Look, there are
these pressure points that I can show you. It'll
clear it right up.
SORAYA
Thanks, but I'll be fine.
GABRIELLE
No really, there's actually one-
SORAYA
It's not the sea.
GABRIELLE
It's just over here-
SORAYA
Besides, it might affect my-
GABRIELLE
You're pregnant? Is that it? Congratulations!
SORAYA
Shh, please! Not so loud.
GABRIELLE
Why? Aren't you excited?
SORAYA
Yes, of course. It's just, um, Thaddeus doesn't know yet.
GABRIELLE
You know, you can only keep it a secret from him
for so long.
SORAYA
I know. The trouble is his mother died in childbirth.
So Thaddeus, he told me, when we married, no
children. He's too scared to ever want me pregnant.
I'm too scared to tell him I am.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's ridiculous! She's only doing this to try and
save her friend. She thinks he's innocent.
XENA
He is, but that's beside the point.
CAPTAIN
It's no reason to head back to port, that's for sure.
He had his day in court.
XENA
Listen, this is not about Autolycus! Didn't
you feel it? Can't you smell it?
Look. Mount Etna's just past the horizon. She's
active. You see that cloud?
THADDEUS
So, there's a cloud. So what? A little rain never
hurt anyone.
XENA
That's no rain cloud.
CAPTAIN
She's right. It's ash.
XENA
The air is full of it. Look at the sea. What's our depth?
SAILOR
Six fathoms.
CAPTAIN
We should be running ten, at least.
XENA
The sea level's dropping.
CAPTAIN
The wind's died, too. Holy Hera, sacred mother of-
XENA
How far are we from port?
CAPTAIN
No, we're too far. We'll never make it.
XENA
Any place closer?
THADDEUS
What are you talking about? We're not changing course.
CAPTAIN
Oh, yes, we are! Stand by, to come about!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ohhh!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The water 'round here's full of reefs and geysers.
But with any luck, we can ride the current away
from here.
XENA
Do it. Thaddeus, you get Soraya and Gabrielle
into the hold. Make sure they stay there.
THADDEUS
Not 'til you explain what's going on!
CAPTAIN
Mount Etna's erupted!
THADDEUS
So? Why are we running from a volcano?!
XENA
We're not. We're running from worse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think we just altered our course. Xena must have
changed their minds about Autolycus. I think we're
heading back to the port.
What is it?!
THADDEUS
Come on, quick! You gotta get down to the hold
right away!
SORAYA
Why? What's wrong?!
THADDEUS
Hurry!
Where's Xena?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something's up. We've changed direction.
PETRODES
Maybe, we're going back. That'd be great. You think?
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, yeah...great.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena?!
XENA
Gabrielle, get down below!
GABRIELLE
What's happening?
XENA
We're expecting trouble. Now, go!
GABRIELLE
Wait! What's the problem?! Maybe, I can help you!
XENA
Gabrielle! There. That's the problem.
No, no! Don't jump! Get below! Listen to me, stop!
Come back!
XENA
It's no use! Come on!
You're safer on board!
ACT TWO
Gabrielle. Gabri...Gabrielle. Hey.
Aww. What in Tartarus happened?
XENA
The tidal wave hit us, turned us over completely.
MACON
No kiddin'? How'd we right ourselves?
XENA
We didn't. Look around you. That bolted door
leads to the cabin and the other to the forward
compartment. Must be the air that's trapped in
one of the cabins that's keeping us buoyant, but
it won't last forever. Gabrielle!
MACON
But, but this is crazy! Gee, it's impossible!
AUTOLYCUS
Improbable, maybe. Impossible? Clearly not.
XENA
Get out of those chains and help me find Gabrielle
and the others.
AUTOLYCUS
Ah, so much for those diamonds.
How did you-? Why would you-?
SORAYA
Help! Help, somebody, please!
XENA
She's in the forward compartment. Gabrielle!
Help! Please!
XENA
Soraya, are you hurt?
SORAYA
It's not me. It's Thaddeus! You've gotta help him!
XENA
Okay.
Ah. Thank the gods! Ahh! My leg! Something's wrong!
XENA
We'll need some help. Let's unchain Macon.
Here, give us his key.
THADDEUS
No, no, no, no, wait! You can't! You can't let those
scumbags loose!
AUTOLYCUS
Sure, we can. We don't need your key to do it.
He's free, but how?!
XENA
Just be glad that he is. We need to get you out
of here before this whole place floods. Soraya,
we'll need some splints.
THADDEUS
How bad is it? Tell me!
PETRODES
No! She's dead!
XENA
Gabrielle!
Oh! No, please! Get her away! Get her off of me!
Gabrielle!
PETRODES
She's dead! Get her away! She's dead! She's dead!
The wound, I can't see it.
XENA
That's because it's not hers.
Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
The captain, he's hurt. He's--he--he-
XENA
I know. We can see that. Are you all right?
GABRIELLE
I am. I think.
XENA
Good, 'cause I need your help. Come on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah-h-h-h-h-h! Oh-h-h-h-h!
XENA
Okay, Gabrielle, you should be able to feel when
it's in place.
THADDEUS
Oh-h-h-h! Ah-h-h-h! Ah-h-h-h!
GABRIELLE
It's not.
XENA
Okay, go again. Hold him steady!
THADDEUS
Oh-h-h-h! Oh-h-h-h! Ah-h!
GABRIELLE
It's set!
XENA
Good. Put him down. Soraya, you got that sail thread?
SORAYA
Right here.
XENA
We're gonna put on a splint and we're gonna
move ya, but first, I've gotta stitch you up.
MACON
No way! The water's rising too fast!
GABRIELLE
Xena knows what she's doing!
All right! Enough doctorin' the dyin'! I'm gettin' outta
here! So back off, or she buys it, right now!
XENA
You gotta help us move him.
MACON
I ain't gotta do nothin'!
XENA
All right, so you get out there. What then?
MACON
I go up, through the hull, straight to the surface.
XENA
It's too late. We're down too deep. You'd never
make it.
MACON
You're wrong!
XENA
Just look at the leaks, if you don't believe me.
They're from nails that have been forced out by
the pressure. That wave hit us hard. We're too
far under.
Ah-h!
You do that again and I won't wait for the sea,
I'll kill you myself. Okay, let's get him patched up
and then we'll move him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, Petrodes, now, can you just hold his head
up a little bit higher? Keep this bandage around
his wound.
PETRODES
What does it matter? We're all gonna die, anyway.
MACON
That's the spirit, Petrified. You may as well hang
a sign around your neck, saying, "Fish food, come
and get me."
SORAYA
Please? Can't you see he's scared?!
THADDEUS
Don't waste your breath, Soraya.
MACON
Oh, that's rich! Coming from someone who's wasting
the air we could be breathing! Yeah, that's just perfect!
XENA
Shut up, Macon!
AUTOLYCUS
Look, how 'bout this. Why don't we take everything
and move it to one side of the hold? Maybe the
weight will spin us around, right side up again.
XENA
We're too heavy. Feel the floor? The forecastle
is completely flooded. And the forward compartment
is nearly swamped as well.
MACON
You said there was air behind that door!
XENA
It's keeping us buoyant. You open that door and
we sink like a stone.
SORAYA
So, what're we gonna do?!
XENA
I don't know. We're moving with the current. If we
can turn the rudder, so that we're moving against
it, maybe we can get onto one of those reefs that
the captain talked about. It'll buy us time to think.
AUTOLYCUS
Well, I've heard worse plans. Not many, but I'm game.
GABRIELLE
Me too.
SORAYA
I'll help.
MACON
Are you all crazy?! We're trapped inside a sinking
ship and you're makin' like the Argonauts! Well,
I'm not riding this bucket to my grave! I'll take my
chances in the sea!
Macon, no!
Hold on! We're going down!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT THREE
Everybody, keep calm. Gabrielle and Soraya?
You see to Thaddeus and the captain. The rest
of you, help me with the rudderstock. We gotta
break down the housing. Smash it down. We
gotta reach the shaft and turn it. Petrodes, take
this lever and get to work.
PETRODES
Spare me, almighty Poseidon! That I may praise
your name forever!
Petrodes, you take this lever and you get to work.
All right. Ah-h-h-h! Ah-h-h-h!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay. Now, grab the pole and turn it toward me!
It's no use! You can't even get a grip!
AUTOLYCUS
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah, come on! No!
Stand back! Get out of the way! Ahh!
Xena!
XENA
It's all right, Gabrielle.
AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha-ha-ha! We musta hit the reef, just like
you said.
MACON
We've stopped sinking.
SORAYA
It worked!
PETRODES
Poseidon, be praised! You see?! You see, he
listened! He listened, we're saved!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe we are saved, but for how long?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know. He's lost a lot of blood.
XENA
His pulse is weak. He's in shock.
I'd say that goes for all of us, trapped in here
until we run out of air...or luck.
XENA
We'll just try and keep him as warm as we can.
GABRIELLE
What are we going to do?
XENA
I'm workin' on it.
What are you doing?! Stop him!
Uh! Well, whaddya know?! The bitch has bite,
after all! Out of the way! He's a goner! No point
in lettin' him use up our air! I say we put him
out of his misery!
SORAYA
No! He's hurt! He's not dead! You can't just
kill him like he was some sort of animal!
MACON
Why not?! That's how he treats us...like animals!
AUTOLYCUS
You're right, but killing him makes it true.
MACON
Who's gonna stop me? You?
XENA
And me.
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
MACON
Bunch a'losers!
Thank you. I know how you must feel about my
husband. You're a good man. Thank you. Thank
all of you.
XENA
She's right, you know. Like it or not, you are a
good man.
AUTOLYCUS
Spare me, Xena. We both know what I am.
GABRIELLE
What's that?
AUTOLYCUS
Someone who can let a friend walk straight into
trouble, all for the chance to steal a few lousy stones.
XENA
Well, excuse me I must've mistaken you for a
man who once risked his life to save mine.
GABRIELLE
There is quite a resemblance.
AUTOLYCUS
Look, you don't get it. Even then it wasn't my idea.
Xena, come on, you were here inside me. You
know the truth. I'm an opportunist, plain and simple.
GABRIELLE
You didn't ask me for help. I jumped in with
both feet.
AUTOLYCUS
But if you didn't think I was in trouble, you wouldn't
be here and neither would you. How do you think
that makes me feel?!
XENA
Guilty.
AUTOLYCUS
I'll drink to that.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It's empty. Nothin' but hot air.
How perfect is that?
Autolycus, you're a genius. All right everyone, listen
up. I've got a plan, but it's risky.
THADDEUS
Whatever it is, it's gotta be better than staying
here, waiting to die.
XENA
Not by much, but it's a shot. The reefs around
here are full of volcanic geysers.
SORAYA
Geysers?
GABRIELLE
It's like an underwater spring. It shoots jets of
water up to the surface.
XENA
What I'm proposing, is that we fill up some of these
wineskins with air, and then we--we knock a hole
in the side of the ship and when the water level's
up, we swim for a geyser, sucking air out of the
skins, until we reach the surface.
MACON
I think I speak for everyone when I say, p-p-t-t-t-t-h-h-h-h!
SORAYA
That's not true.
AUTOLYCUS
Speak for yourself.
GABRIELLE
It's a great idea.
XENA
No, no. No, he's entitled to his opinion, so Macon,
if you've got any better ideas, I would sure like
to hear one.
GABRIELLE
We all would.
MACON
Look at you! Bunch of sheep! Willing to follow
anyone, even if it's straight to Tartarus! Well, not
me! Geysers?! You'll be scalded to death,
half-way up! That's if you're lucky and your insides
don't burst from the pressure!
PETRODES
Gods! Is that true?!
XENA
If you're foolish enough to ride the inside, then
yes. But if you stick to the outside, where the
geyser runs slower and cooler, you'll be fine.
We all will.
MACON
That's bull! The best way is still through the
hull and straight up!
XENA
You'll never make it. And without the geysers, our
injured don't stand a chance.
MACON
Remind me, when I have the time to care. Right
now, I say we take a vote! Those of you who want
to do it my way, raise your hands!
What about you, Petrified?! How do you vote?!
Ah-h-h-h! Ah-h-h-h!
XENA
Ah-h-h-h!
ACT FOUR
Oh, I've seen more leaks in a sieve.
GABRIELLE
We can't fix these.
XENA
Maybe we don't have to. Feel the water here.
GABRIELLE
It's warm.
XENA
The geyser's on this side of the ship.
AUTOLYCUS
Well, it'll save us time and air.
XENA
Gabrielle, you and Soraya start blowing up wineskins.
Autolycus, find something to break through his wood.
Petrodes. Petrodes, we're getting out of here, do
you understand?
Petrodes, we're leaving here and heading up to
the surface.
Okay, let it go. Whatever you're hiding from, turn
around and face it. I know you can do it. You have to.
PETRODES
I can't swim!
XENA
What?
PETRODES
I never learned. When I was little, my brother and
me were playing ball on the beach. I was real hot
and I wanted to quit, so I threw the ball, you know?
Just so's he'd have to go and run for it. But it went
in the sea and Damon, he ran after it. All's I remember
is the wave hitting him. And then he was gone.
And now he's coming back...for me.
XENA
Petrodes, the dead can hear our thoughts. That
means that, Damon knows it was an accident
and he knows how much you loved him. And
most of all, he knows that you would never
dishonour his memory by blaming him for your
own fear.
We still need one more to have enough for everyone.
SORAYA
Okay, I'll get one.
Gabrielle, there isn't much time, so listen. Whatever
happens, I want you to make sure that Soraya
gets through this, all right?
GABRIELLE
We're all gonna make it.
THADDEUS
Oh, I'm not a fool. With this leg, I'd be lucky to
make it to the geyser, let alone the surface. So,
take my wineskin, for extra air. And take this.
It's priceless. And it's yours if you save her.
GABRIELLE
I don't want it.
THADDEUS
What, you want more? I've got more, believe me,
I, just swear you'll-
SORAYA
What are you doing?
THADDEUS
I--I was just-
SORAYA
Buying people again! Thinking everyone's
for sale if you've got the right coin! Pushing me
off for the price of that pendant!
THADDEUS
No, I just wanted you safe. You can't stay with me.
I'd hold you back. You'd never make it. Tell her!
GABRIELLE
She's on a roll.
SORAYA
I can't live like this, Thaddeus. Not anymore.
You've got to stop trying to shield me from things
and learn to trust that I won't break or melt or die!
At least, not yet. I'm your wife. You're my husband.
And soon, we're gonna be a family.
THADDEUS
What? But Soraya, you-
SORAYA
No buts! We're having a baby and that's that. So,
please don't tell me to leave you behind. A child
needs both its parents, right?
THADDEUS
Oh!
They hug.
THADDEUS
I guess I'm gonna need that wineskin after all.
All right. All right, that's it. Okay, listen up! We put
the injured through first and then the rest of us
go. I go last.
SORAYA
Okay, I'll take Thaddeus.
XENA
Not alone, you won't. I can't help you 'til I've cleared
everyone else.
AUTOLYCUS
I'll help her.
AUTOLYCUS
Good. You go first.
GABRIELLE
I'll take the captain.
You're gonna need help, too.
When pigs fly.
PETRODES
I'll do it. I'll help.
XENA
Okay. All right, everybody got their wineskins?
Then, let's go. Autolycus, is your group ready?
AUTOLYCUS
As we'll ever be.
XENA
Great. You lead the way. Good luck.
Farewell.
Hey, Gabrielle? See you topside, huh?
GABRIELLE
Right.
Okay, come on. She's waitin' for ya. Deep breath.
Okay, Macon, come on. Macon? Come on, you
can do it. Deep breath, keep calm.
He's still alive. Barely.
GABRIELLE
We did it.
PETRODES
Guess we did.
Ah. Ah.
I believe this is yours.
Thanks. Truth is, I'm gonna sell it. After all that's
happened, I'm gonna need new workers for the
mine. Hired workers, who choose to be there,
because the wage is fair and so is the way
they're treated.
Xena!
You okay? You know, you had me worried for a
minute, there.
XENA
I'm sorry about that. I had to go back for something.
MACON
Why? I'm a killer. Why'd you come back? What'd
you expect?
XENA
From you...nothin'. From me, nothin' less.
He doesn't get it, does he?
XENA
Not a clue.
GABRIELLE
So, what do you think of that palm reader, now?
XENA
Well, like you said, just another average day.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Bruce Campbell as Autolycus
Todd Rippon as Macon
Stephen Tozer as Thadeus
Angela Dotchin as Soraya
Toby Fisher as Petrodes
Stephen Hall as Captain
Ben Baker as Dockhand
Joy Watson as Palmist
Slade Leef as Sailor
Written by: Chris Manheim
Directed by: John Laing
Disclaimer: No Cast or Crew were singing "Tanks For The Memories" during the production of this motion picture. However, the phrase "Strike the Set" was given new meaning.
