If the Shoe Fits...
Uh. Oh, I hate that. It's late. Gabrielle? Gabrielle?
Oh, the one morning I ask you to wake me up
for a change. Just when I get Zantar right where I
want him, I go and oversleep. Well, thank you
very much! Rope.
Rope.
La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La! La-la-la-la-la!
La! La! La! La! La! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! La! La! La!
La-la-la-la-la!
La-la-la-la-la! La!
Tomorrow we head east to Lumeria. They had
a big harvest this year. So they'll be loaded with
extra cash.
BROTHER #1
Good to have ya back, Bro.
BROTHER #2
Yeah, pickin' up right from where ya left off.
Only this time, I'll be smart. No way I'm going
back to that stinkin' jail!
Oh, she's good.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle, what's goin' on?
GABRIELLE
I woke up. I--I took a bath. Uh, I know I put my shirt
on that tree. It's just gone. It doesn't make any
sense, unless an animal took it. You know? A--a--a
fashionable beaver or--or-
Oh, you didn't.
XENA
Gabrielle. I was in a hurry. We ran out of rope.
GABRIELLE
You stole my favourite shirt? It's the only shirt
that goes with this skirt, Xena. You used it to tie
up that--that--that smelly warlord.
That's your excuse?! You ran out of rope?
XENA
The good news is you found somethin' else
to wear.
GABRIELLE
It's a sack!
How come you let Joxer sleep in so late?
GABRIELLE
I was topless.
JOXER
Yah. Yah.
Ah! Ah! Abandon ship! We're goin' down! Uh. Oh.
Good morning. Hi, Gabrielle. New outfit? Looks good.
Ooh!
GABRIELLE
Shut up!
JOXER
What'd I say?!
XENA
Just get going.
JOXER
All right.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm telling you, brown is not my colour.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kinda like it. It's got that, uh, rustic appeal.
GABRIELLE
Suitable for you, right?
Come on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now look what you've done! Ooh! You...
monster! I told you never to play with
the bottle marked passion! It's totally
explosive stuff!
XENA
Aphrodite, what's going on?
APHRODITE
Xena! Uh! What are you doing here?
ALESIA
Xena!
XENA
Alesia?
ALESIA
Please, you have to save me from my evil fairy
godsmother!
XENA
Your evil fairy godsmother? Who's that?
ALESIA
Her!
APHRODITE
Moi?!
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Let's hear it, Aphrodite. What's all this about?
APHRODITE
The little rugrat wandered in yesterday and said
something about her dad and her wicked stepmom.
So you know me. I was just trying to help. Then
she became like totally bizarre! And now
she's calling me-
ALESIA
My evil fairy godsmother.
APHRODITE
Uh-h-h-h! That's it! As if! Dear child, do these
features look evil?
GABRIELLE
Do you mean the fairy godsmother from the fairy tale?
ALESIA
Mm-hmm.
XENA
This child's name is Alesia, Princess Alesia of
Cyra. Her father and I have been friends for years.
Alesia, how did you get here? Did you run away
from home?
ALESIA
Uh-huh. Daddy got married. I don't like my
stepmother. So I came to find my fairy godsmother.
XENA
Well, I think your father would be very worried.
Maybe we can take you home. I'm sure we can
work this out.
ALESIA
Then you'll be my fairy godsmother?
XENA
Uh, just for a little while.
APHRODITE
Great! Get rid of her. She obviously doesn't know
a good thing when she sees it.
XENA
Come on, Alesia.
Out of the way! (to Alesia) I think we oughtta take
you home.
GABRIELLE
You all right?
JOXER
Fine. (to Zantar) Move it out, Goliath.
JOXER
At your own pace.
Did you find her?
KING
No, not yet.
QUEEN
You're not giving up, are you?
KING
No! No, I'm going back out there with all my men
to keep searching for her.
QUEEN
You'll find her. I know you will.
KING
I pray to the gods we do. Darling, she means
everything in the world to me.
QUEEN
Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.
It's not you she hates. It's me.
I better go and scout ahead.
GABRIELLE
I'll--I'll do it.
Alesia, why'd you run away?
ALESIA
I hate my new stepmother. I wanna get rid of her
so things can be the way they used to be.
XENA
Oh.
ALESIA
I thought Aphrodite could help, but she couldn't.
Well, maybe I can help.
ALESIA
Really? Okay, but don't hurt her too bad.
XENA
That's not what I had in mind. Listen, I was in your
shoes too once. I had a stepfather and--and I
never got to know him. Now, I think that was a
terrible mistake.
Gabrielle, are you all right?
GABRIELLE
Fine. What's this about a stepfather? You never
told me that.
XENA
Yes, I did. Didn't I?
GABRIELLE
No.
XENA
Well, it's not important. I'm trying to help Alesia.
GABRIELLE
What and I'm not?! Xena, who just climbed
that tree, looking for Zantar's men?!
XENA
So, what did ya see?
GABRIELLE
They're right behind us.
XENA
All right, I'm gonna double back there and take
care of 'em. Alesia, I'll be back. Stay here with
Gabrielle. She's gonna tell you a story.
GABRIELLE
I will?
XENA
Yes, you will.
You're good at them.
Okay.
ALESIA
I hope it has a happy ending.
GABRIELLE
A happy ending, huh? All right. Once...when...once
upon a time-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-there was a sweet, very young girl named...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
...named, Tyrella. She was happy, even though
she lived with her wicked stepmother, the meanest,
crankiest-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-most horrid woman alive!
Pelia, come here, sweetie.
Mommy! Look what my stupid stepsister
did! She ruined my Calvinius Kleinius!
PELIA and STEPMOTHER
Tyrella!
La. La. La-a-a-a-a. Yes, dear stepmother.
STEPMOTHER
There's a crease in Pelia's dress. Aren't you
forgetting something?
TYRELLA
I swept the floor, washed the dishes, cleaned
the attic, weeded the garden, I dug you a new
well. I've been terribly busy.
STEPMOTHER
Well, get over it! You've neglected your
most important duty.
TYRELLA
What could that possibly be?
My clippings!
Joxer!
Ooh!
GABRIELLE
Calm down.
JOXER
But that foot! What are you trying to do? Scare the
kid half to death?
What is it, honey?
ALESIA
It's only a story, Joxer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh-h-h-h. My little pookie's slipper.
Admit it. You miss the little monster.
APHRODITE
As if! What's there to miss?! The noise? The crying?
The fairy godsmother rap? She did have potential.
APHRODITE'S IMAGE
'Fess up, girlfriend. You're suffering from empty
nest syndrome. Your little boy, Cupid, is all grown
up, and now you're lonely.
APHRODITE
She was kinda cute, wasn't she?
APHRODITE'S IMAGE
No duh! Your problem is, you didn't play the
mommy gig long enough, you know?
APHRODITE
You mean like stories and cuddles and that kinda
stuff? I could do that. You think I could do that?
APHRODITE'S IMAGE
Totally. She could be your personal mascot.
The demigoddess of puppy love.
APHRODITE
Tubular! I am such a visionary!
(to Argo) I wantcha to head for the river. Make
sure they see you.
I can see the hoofprints!
BROTHER #1
Ha-ha, they went this way. Come on!
EXTRA
Yeah.
EXTRA
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
EXTRA
We'll see how tough Xena is.
EXTRA
Yeah.
EXTRA
We'll-
Tyrella's stepmother reached out with her long,
grotesque-
ALESIA
Wait! I know what happens next.
JOXER
Mm-hmm?
ALESIA
Tyrella takes the clippings-
JOXER
Mm-hmm?
ALESIA
-and stabs her evil stepmother, over
and over and over and over again.
N--no--no. Tyrella deals with her problems in--in
a more positive way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy! My stupid stepsister's ruined everything!
PELIA and STEPMOTHER
Tyrella!
La-la-la-la. Yes, stepmother, dear?
STEPMOTHER
Can't you do anything right?
TYRELLA
There is nothing wrong with the dress. You anger
is misplaced. It's a convenient way to avoid your
deeper emotions, the same way that your mistreatment
of me and my belongings, is your way to avoid
intimacy. You both need to get in touch with your
inner child.
STEPMOTHER
You gettin' any of this?
PELIA
Mm-mmm.
What a riot!
And I suppose you could do better.
APHRODITE
Puh-leeze! (to Alesia) You didn't know your Auntie
Aphrodite can tell stories, didja? Well, I
make 'em sizzle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, here's what really happens.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whoo! Time for a breather.
But if ya can't take the heat, boys...stay outta my kitchen.
Hmm. Pelia, where are you, my vixen?
I'm here, Mother. I'm as dry as a lizard. Where's
the hagster to bring us some beverages?
STEPMOTHER
Good question.
STEPMOTHER and PELIA
Tyrella!
Love the outfit, Tyrella.
TYRELLA
Hmmm.
STEPMOTHER and PELIA
Not!
Ooh. Ooh. Well, hello, you cuckoo, crazy chicks.
I, uh, have a message from that royal hipster,
the prince.
STEPMOTHER
Ooh, the prince. I knew I smelled money.
PELIA
Oh, that prince. I knew he couldn't stay away from
me forever.
The prince wishes to invite all good-lookin' chicks
to his royal ball, tonight. From those, he's gonna
pick a bride. Ya dig?
STEPMOTHER
Ooh-
PELIA
A bride?
STEPMOTHER
-a bride.
TYRELLA
A royal party, ha-ha! I'm so excited!
PRINCE'S MESSENGER
Ooh, that chick is square, baby.
Uh, loser.
STEPMOTHER
Ex-squeeze me? What are you so psyched
about? Honey, the prince is lookin' for a babe,
not a heifer.
Show her, Pelia.
PELIA
Right, Ma.
Huh? Hmm.
Ho-ho, yeah! Ah.
XENA (voice-over)
Stop right there!
PRINCE'S MESSENGER
Ohhhhh.
Hmm?
STEPMOTHER
Hmm?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aah, it was just getting' good!
XENA
Don't say another word. Aphrodite, I thought you
were out of this.
APHRODITE
I am. I am. I'm done.
You all right?
ALESIA
Mm-hmm?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Huh?
Oh!
Xena!
XENA
Still mad at me? Tell ya what, I'll cook, you go on
with your story.
My story. Oh.
XENA
All right.
ALESIA
Gabrielle, who were all those men at Tyrella's house?
JOXER
Hmm.
GABRIELLE
They were swimming instructors.
ALESIA
Oh. Did Tyrella ever go to the party?
GABRIELLE
Well, she really wanted to go to the party.
XENA
Gabrielle, where's the frying pan?
GABRIELLE
It's in my pack, where it always is.
Oh, yeah.
GABRIELLE
See? Tyrella didn't have anything really pretty
to wear. Huh.
XENA
What about spoons?
GABRIELLE
It's in the saddlebag! Tyrella was hoping for a miracle.
XENA
Ya got any butter and sugar?
GABRIELLE
Xena, I'll do it. Joxer?
JOXER
Hmm?
GABRIELLE
You wanna eat? Work for it. You pick up the
story-telling.
Um...
GABRIELLE
Xena, give me the pan, before you hurt someone with it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, tall, dark and gruesomes.
Who are you?
APHRODITE
Aphrodite. Goddess of Love? I have a proposition
for you.
Not that kind of proposition. You guys
want your brother back, right? I can help you if
you do me a favour.
BROTHER #1
What kind of favour?
APHRODITE
Xena's got my little girl. You help me get her back,
I'll help you get Zantar. You scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.
Scratch!
APHRODITE
Stop it! You know what I mean.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Okay.
Let's see, um. Uh, okay, okay. Uh, well, uh, it was
the night of the big party and he was very-
ALESIA
'He?' Don't you mean, 'She?'
JOXER
How old are you?
ALESIA
Seven.
JOXER
Ya wanna be eight? It was 'He.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, he was very excited.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And his name was-
PELIO AND STEPFATHER
Tyro!
Oh. Oh.
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Hey, hello, stepfather dear,
stepbrother dear.
STEPFATHER
Tyro the clumsy strikes again.
TYRO
It was an accident.
PELIO
You were the accident.
Oh!
Ah.
PELIO
What's the get-up?
TYRO
Oh, ya like it? I was sewing it all day for the royal ball tonight.
Well, if that's the case, those pants need adjusting,
right, Pelio?
TYRO
Oh, you think? I thought they might be a little
long in the-
(high voice) -cro-o-o-o-o-otch!
STEPFATHER
Whaddya say to your stepbrother?
TYRO
(high voice) Thanks, stepbrother dear.
STEPFATHER
Don't be an idiot, idiot. You can't wear that.
You've got no way to get there, no social skills
to speak of. In short, you're not going.
Oh!
Maybe we shouldn't let Joxer tell the story.
GABRIELLE
Yes, we should. Where's the oil?
XENA
In the saddlebag. It's just he's making him sound
like such a victim.
GABRIELLE
Oh, I didn't hear you volunteer.
XENA
No? Well, I'm not much of a story-teller. I'm, uh,
I'm more a woman of action.
GABRIELLE
Great. Take action and get some water. I'm gonna
poach the fish.
XENA
I'm all over it.
I didn't wanna go to a stupid party, anyway.
Tyro the mighty?
TYRO
Kick a man when he's down.
HARMONIA
I'm here to help. Of course, if you're not interested
in going to the party, then I-
TYRO
Royal party? No! I'd love to go. Wait a minute,
who are you?
HARMONIA
Harmonia, fairy godsmother, at your service.
Let's see, you're going to need a new outfit and
a ride and what else?
TYRO
Well, let's see, I could u--use! Use-
Social skills.
HARMONIA
Trust me, you'll have many skills.
TYRO
Oh.
HARMONIA
But remember, my spell only lasts until sunup.
In other words-
-when the sand runs out, so must you.
Here's some more water. I saw Zantar's men
head down across the river. I'm gonna go down
there and deal with them.
GABRIELLE
What do you want from me? My skirt? My boots?
Hmm, my underwear? Ha-ha.
XENA
Oh, no, that would be too cruel.
What happens next, Joxer?
JOXER
Well-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-the royal party was in full swing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, it was a gala event. There were rubies upon
the rubies, and diamonds upon the diamonds.
Hmm.
What a hunk of a man.
TYRO
Mm--hmm.
They're playing our song.
PELIO
Who's the new guy?
STEPFATHER
I don't know. But check out his social skills.
You dance divinely.
TYRO
I know.
Yeah. Ha! Hey! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha-ha! Watch this!
Ha. Ha-ha! Whoa!
(singing) When I look at you,
My eyes begin to bloom.
My heart begins to zoom,
And I'm in heaven.
PRINCESS
(singing) When I dance with you,
My head sails to the moon.
My feet sing out a tune
And I'm in heaven.
(singing) Nobody has ever made me
Feel quite like this.
TYRO
(singing) My palms perspire.
PRINCESS
(singing) My stomach churns.
TYRO and PRINCESS
(singing) I know this must be bliss.
Is yours the sweet angel face
That I've been dreaming of?
TYRO
(singing) I'm in heaven.
EXTRAS
(singing) He's in heaven.
TYRO and PRINCESS
(singing) When I'm with you,
I'm in heaven.
Ooh! That, gee! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Oh! My pants!
Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Bye!
Wait! Wait! My shoe!
TYRO
I'll send it later! Ooh! Ooh! Excuse me. Ooh!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The handsome and dashing Tyro hurried
and hurried, but it was too late for as he looked
at his hourglass, the last grain of sand-
Where's Alesia?
JOXER
She's...Alesia? Alesia?!
XENA
Alesia!
JOXER
Alesia?!
ZANTAR
She wandered off. Can't say I blame her after
hearing your story. If I wasn't tied up, I'd kill ya!
XENA
Shut up. Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
I was cooking.
XENA
I left you in charge.
GABRIELLE
Are you saying it's my fault that she ran
away again?
XENA
It's far too dangerous for a little girl to be out here
on her own. I'm gonna go after her, and you two-
Ow!
JOXER
Uh.
XENA
-stay right here.
JOXER
Ow!
Alesia?!
GABRIELLE
I can't believe she's blaming me for this.
XENA
Alesia!
JOXER
I can.
Hurry!
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!
OLD WOMAN
Help me. Down by the river, these men, they
attacked me.
JOXER
Huh?
OLD WOMAN
Please.
GABRIELLE
Zantar's men. Sorry. Xena wanted to stop them.
I'll do it. You stay here!
JOXER
No.
GABRIELLE
Stay there!
Wait a min...I--I can, I can do it! Oh, great. Well,
at least, that nutty broad, Aphrodite, isn't around.
Huh! What an airhead.
Talk about your half-wits. She's half-baked
and half-dressed!
APHRODITE
Hmm.
Hello, Aphrodite.
APHRODITE
Outta my way, stud-muffin. Where's my little
cutesy-wootsy-poo? My little beauty queen?!
Wha...where is she?
JOXER
You mean Alesia?
APHRODITE
Uh-huh?
JOXER
She's gone.
APHRODITE
Gone? Whaddya mean, gone?
ZANTAR
Lookin' for the girl? I can get her for ya.
APHRODITE
Really. How do ya propose to do that?
JOXER
Yeah.
ZANTA
What about him?
APHRODITE
That's easy.
Hmm.
Hm-m-m-m. Let's talk.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alesia?!
ACT THREE
Alesia?!
(whispering) Alesia. (yelling) Hang on, Alesia!
ALESIA
Xena!
XENA
I'm coming!
Hold tight. Hold tight. I'm coming. I'm not far
away, sweetheart.
Okay. Come on, Alesia. Let go of it. There you go.
All right?
ALESIA
I got too close to the edge and fell.
XENA
Okay, well, hold on around my neck.
Okay. All right, I--I gotcha.
Now, come on. Why did you run away?!
ALESIA
Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story?
XENA
Well, that's a good point, but all fairy tales have
a purpose. And even when Joxer tells them there's
a message there.
ALESIA
Yeah...run.
XENA
Come on. Let's get back to camp.
Hop up. All right! Here we go.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer.
ALESIA
Joxer! They didn't hurt you, did they?
JOXER
No, I was ambushed. It was Aphrodite.
XENA
Where's Zantar?!
JOXER
He went off with Aphrodite. She's disguised as
an old lady.
GABRIELLE
Xena.
Where were you?
GABRIELLE
I went to look for Zantar's men. They were
beating up this--this old woman.
XENA
Gabrielle, the old woman was Aphrodite.
GABRIELLE
Now, how was I supposed to know that?
XENA
Did Aphrodite say anything to Zantar?
JOXER
Yeah, yeah. She said something about, uh, going
to an old castle and she wants Alesia.
XENA
Come on, Alesia.
Don't feel bad. Aphrodite almost fooled me, too.
I wanna hear the rest of the story.
All right, well let me tell ya what really-
Ow!
XENA
-happened.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrella had a stepfamily all right, but no one
pushed her around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Tyrella was busy sharpening her
sword when...
Xena, shouldn't Tyrella wear a dress?
If Tyrella's a girl, isn't she supposed to have a
stepmother?
Tyrella?! What have you been doing all morning?!
TYRELLA
Well, let's see, I, uh, I fought a warlord, saved a
village, and rescued a burning wagon full of orphans.
STEPMOTHER
Hmm. Just as I thought, lolly-gagging again! Do
some real work for a change.
Mother! The prince is coming!
STEPMOTHER
The prince?! Here?
Honestly, Tyrella! You can't wear that! You'll be
the shame of us all!
Oh. Your Highness.
Ladies, I'm looking to wed the woman who fits
this shoe.
PELIA
I'll try it on.
STEPSISTER
Let me.
PELIA
It's my size!
PRINCE
Please.
How about you? Would you care to try it on?
If it fits, I can promise you a happy ending.
Wow. You know what, Prince? You seem like a
real nice fella, so I'm gonna make this nice and
simple for ya. I don't need you, or a fairy
godsmother, or anyone else to give me a happy
ending. That's something that I'll get, or I won't
get, all my own self. So I suggest you peddle
this shoe someplace else.
PRINCE
But you could be a princess.
Come on.
PRINCE
You could live in a castle.
Ouch! My royal bottom! Ow!
So, the prince won't marry either of you beauties.
Well, if we can't get to his crown jewels that way
we'll just have to-
-cut and run!
Tyrella? Tyrella? Tyrella? Oh!
What do you want?
FAIRY GODSSISTER
Your stepmother and stepsister are going to rob
the kingdom of the crown's jewels. You have
to stop them.
TYRELLA
Right, I'm on it.
FAIRY GODSSISTER
Wait! I am your fairy godssister. Don't you want
my help?
TYRELLA
Yeah, could you get rid of those dishes? The
place is a mess.
FAIRY GODSSISTER
If that's how I'm most useful to you, my pleasure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After all we've been through, that's what
you think of me? The fairy godssister of dishes?
Xena, that's my only use to you?
XENA
Oh, come on. It was just a story. I just meant we
were like family, and in a family-
You have no idea how useful I am. I'm out
of here, that's it. I need space.
XENA
Gabrielle-
GABRIELLE
No!
XENA
Oh, she'll--she'll be back. She does this all the
time. Right, Joxer? She's just crazy. Gabrielle?!
ALESIA
This isn't going to have a happy ending, is it?
XENA
Well...
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
Daddy!
JOXER
I'll get the ropes.
Alesia, my darling. Are you okay?
ALESIA
Yes, I'm all right. Thanks to Xena.
KING
I have missed you so much.
QUEEN
We both have.
XENA
What happened here?
QUEEN
Zantar and his brothers have stolen the crown
jewels. You may be too late.
XENA
We'll see about that.
KING
Thank you, Xena. We were so worried.
XENA
No problem.
KING
Now, you and me and your stepmother are going
to try to be happy, all right?
Xena! Wait! I wanna go with you and be a hero
like Tyrella!
QUEEN
Alesia, wait!
ALESIA
But I wanna go with Xena!
XENA
Sweetheart, you can't.
ALESIA
What about my happy ending?
XENA
You're going to get a happy ending, I
promise you that.
I need to ask you to do something for me. Would you?
ALESIA
Okay.
Go in there. And I want you to talk. And that's
an order from your fairy godsmother.
What are you doing?
XENA
Trust me, your Highness. They need to be alone.
Heavy crown jewels!
Just leave them in there a while, a few days
oughtta do it.
All right, Xena, whatever you say.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite?! I know you can hear me! Whoop!
Sorry! Whoop! Clumsy me!
Okay! Chill the 'tude, Miss Thing, I'm here.
GABRIELLE
I want you to leave Alesia alone.
APHRODITE
She came to me. You heard what she said.
She hates her family.
GABRIELLE
All I see is this confused, little girl. She doesn't
realize how much she misses her family, all these
people who love her. If you don't stop meddling,
you're going to break them up.
APHRODITE
I just wanted a happy ending for her.
GABRIELLE
No, you just want your happy ending, regardless
of her. Tell me, Miss Expert, is that what you call
love? It's just a thought.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
XENA
What are you doing?
Well look, Xena, I'm sidekicking, you know?
I'm--I'm--I'm your comrade-in-arms, your--your
wingman. Look, you're the comet and I'm
Ajax. You're the Achilles and I'm you heel.
Don't you see? Look, with these fists of fury you'll
have no problem beatin' anybody! Watch! Every
muscle is tight. Notice the action.
Ow! Oh, my mouth hurts! Is there a problem?
XENA
I'm going after Zantar. You stay here, and make
sure he doesn't return to the scene of his crime.
Right!
I'll wait for him. Wait a minute. Why would he
come back here? He's already got all the dough.
Xena?! Wait!
Help! Somebody! We're locked in!
QUEEN
Is it really so bad to be locked in here with me?
ALESIA
I hate you.
QUEEN
Really? Well, I'm glad Xena locked us in here.
It'll give us a chance to talk.
ALESIA
I'll never talk to you. You're evil.
QUEEN
Your father likes me.
ALESIA
You put a spell on him. I'll never like you.
QUEEN
What did I do?
ALESIA
You stole my daddy from me.
QUEEN
No, I didn't. He's just as much yours as
he always was.
ALESIA
No, he's not. Now he's yours.
QUEEN
How about we make him ours?
ALESIA
Well...
QUEEN
Alesia, I know it's been hard since your mother
died. But...I want you to know, I really care
about you.
ALESIA
You do?
QUEEN
Yes. And your father's told me all about you and
how you like stories. Can't we have a happy ending?
ALESIA
I thought every story had a happy ending, but
now I don't know. Because of me Zantar stole
the crown jewels and Gabrielle left Xena forever.
I've ruined everything.
Ppphhht. Sidekick. I am ten times the sidekick
Gabrielle is. Now, Zantar, if I ever see that big, fat,
porky, bulbous, behemoth of a hippo, I'm gonna
tell him-
-what a great guy he is.
ZANTAR
Now we have a little insurance, in case Xena
gets in our way.
XENA
Nice plan.
If I cared.
JOXER
She cares. She's just kidding. Ha-ha! Ha! You're
not laughing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't cry, my princess. Why, I bet Tyrella would
do just what Xena would.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leave the prince alone!
STEPMOTHER
Tyrella! Don't be such a party pooper! You'll get
your share! After all, we're family!
If we can't have you and your money, no one can.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pardon the dishpan hands!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a man!
XENA (voice-over)
So Tyrella-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-arrested her stepmother and her
stepsisters. She saved the prince. And
she retrieved the family jewels.
ALESIA
Did she and the prince get married, and live
happily ever after?
XENA
Uh...no. No, but she and her fairy godssister did
make a pact. From now on, they would help one
another be all that they could be.
Yadda, yadda, yadda. Talk about your sappy
stories. Look, kid, we had some fun, didn't we?
But this love thing, it's just not something I can
teach ya. It's something ya gotta learn on your
own. And this is as good a place as any 'cause
there's a lotta love here, from your dad and
your stepmom.
ALESIA
My stepmother, she doesn't love me.
APHRODITE
Oh, yes she does. Take it from me. I know about
these things.
ALESIA
Okay.
XENA
Aphrodite, if you wanted Alesia back, how come
you didn't just put a spell on her?
APHRODITE
Duh. If I had done that, I'd never know if she really
wanted me.
XENA
So you really care about her.
APHRODITE
Me? Care about a mortal? As if.
Gabrielle, why'd you come back?
GABRIELLE
It was what you said about being a family. I realized
that every family has their problems. But what's
important, is that we stay together. We work it out.
What was that for?
ALESIA
No reason. Can't a girl hug her mom?
Aw-w-w-w. Bye, your Highness.
QUEEN
Thank you, Xena.
ALESIA
Goodbye, Xena.
So, anyone heard any good stories lately?
GABRIELLE
Actually, I've been working on one. It's a story of
a wooden boy.
ALESIA
Bye!
GABRIELLE
And every time he tells a lie-
XENA
Goodbye, Alesia.
QUEEN
Bye!
GABRIELLE
-his nose keeps growing and growing until it's
really long.
JOXER
Or he could be a monkey and his tail gets smaller.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Tyrella
Lucy Lawless as Stepmother
Lucy Lawless as Pelia
Lucy Lawless as Harmonia
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Renee O'Connor as Tyrella
Renee O'Connor as Princess
Renee O'Connor as Fairy Godssister
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Ted Raimi as Prince's Messenger
Ted Raimi as Tyro
Ted Raimi as Prince
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Alexandra Tydings as Pelia
Alexandra Tydings as Stepmother
Chris Ryan as Zantar
Chris Ryan as Stepfather
Chris Ryan as Stepmother
Olivia Tennet as Alesia
Ted Clarke as Brother #1
Ted Clarke as Pelio
Ted Clarke as Pelia
Douglas Kamo as Brother #2
Douglas Kamo as Stepsister
Sally Spencer-Harris as Queen
Alistair Browning as King
Hilary Cleary as Old Woman
Singers:
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Susan Calloway as Princess
Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Josh Becker
Disclaimer: No fractured fables were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
