In Sickness and in Hell
Xena, wake up.
XENA
Hmm, what is it?
Foot rot!
XENA
Whoa! Yeah, that's foot rot, all right.
It itches like crazy.
XENA
Well, there's nothing I can do for you, now. Maybe
if you had'a kept it dry like I told you-
GABRIELLE
No, no, no, it was your idea to traipse through
a dozen swamps to get to this god-forsaken place.
Why couldn't you just leave your horse in a barn
like a normal person?
XENA
Argo doesn't like being cooped up. Besides,
this valley's her home. It's got plenty of space to
run, lots of grass to eat.
GABRIELLE
Plenty of bugs, lots of infestation.
XENA
Hey, I didn't stop looking for you and the
same goes for Argo.
Geronimo!
LOUSE
Yeah!
LOUSE
Whe-e!
GABRIELLE
What was that?
XENA
What?
GABRIELLE
Something just hopped out of your bedroll.
Hold still.
What is it? A bald spot?
LOUSE
Pretty lady.
GABRIELLE
No, it's lice.
I have not got lice. You think I wouldn't
know if I had lice?!
Lice, I don't think so!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe if we put your bedroll in the river.
XENA
This way.
GABRIELLE
Let it soak there, then slap it up against a rock
or two. That would probably get rid of the little
buggers.
XENA
This is Argo's trail. I'm sure of it.
GABRIELLE
Then again, it could be too late. There might be
a family of badgers living in there by now.
XENA
Give it a rest, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
No, not 'til you clean up your act, Xena.
XENA
Hey! I'm not the one with a fungus among us.
GABRIELLE
Oh, yeah, that's poetic. Did one of your
bug friends whisper that in your ear?
Did you hear that? There she is.
She ran away.
GABRIELLE
Maybe it wasn't Argo.
XENA
It was Argo. I know my own horse.
GABRIELLE
Well, she didn't seem to know you. May--maybe
she heard us talking about the lice, and then
she--she was scared away.
XENA
All right, that's enough.
GABRIELLE
Oh, you wanna piece of me, huh?
Fine. I'll give ya a piece of me. Come and get it.
Come on.
(sobbing) I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm bli-
(sobbing) Blind! I can't...blind! I'm blind!
Oh, I can see. It's a miracle! Ha-ha! Oh, hi.
I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too
easy to follow. Any idiot could find ya.
XENA
Evidently. What brings you here, Joxer?
JOXER
Well, I'm on a mission. There's a band of marauders
that's raiding a village and they vowed to come
back and finish the job. But the villagers paid
me to protect them.
GABRIELLE
So, let me guess. You want our help?
JOXER
Heh-heh-heh-heh. No, no, no, I've got things
completely under control.
XENA
When do you want us to start?
JOXER
How's now sound?
XENA
Fine.
GABRIELLE
What about Argo?
XENA
She saw me. She knows I'm here. Ah, she'll
probably meet up with us, later.
JOXER
Okay. Then, uh, it's settled. We're a team. Joxer
the Mighty and his mighty band of mighty men.
Uh, girls. Uh, mighty...Joxer the mighty--and his
fighting, mighty, women fighters, fighting.
Mighty...
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
That's strange.
Argo seems to be deliberately avoiding me.
Sum'in's wrong.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, you're telling me. Xena, it's green, it's red.
It's on the move.
XENA
Sum'in's bothering Argo.
Hey! Hey! Human suffering, here. Xena,
my fungus is spreading like wildfire.
XENA
Gabrielle, just take your mind off the itching.
What about breakfast?
GABRIELLE
We're out of food. Ah, hang on. Here's some berries.
Aah. No! Don't eat those. They can play tricks
on the mind. Wait a minute. There's a rabbit,
over there.
I'll catch the rabbit.
XENA
What?! (laughing) You're gonna catch
the rabbit?!
GABRIELLE
Yeah! After all these years of watching you
slaughter nature's creatures, I can do this.
Ah-ah, look, I don't want you near the food. A
lice-infested rabbit is not on my diet.
XENA
I don't have lice! It's--it's dandruff! It's--it's--it's
a minor scalp irritation, that's all.
GABRIELLE
Whatever. I'll catch the rabbit.
Well, go ahead. No skin off my back.
GABRIELLE
Hardy-har-har.
XENA
Joxer, tell me about these marauders.
JOXER
Oh, yeah. Well, uh, they thundered into town on
horseback, cutting down everything in their
path. I tried to stop 'em, but, of course, I was outnumbered.
XENA
How many'ja see?
JOXER
Up close and personal? One.
XENA
One man?
JOXER
One fist, but it was headed for my face at the time.
Oh, I did get this.
It's Scythians.
JOXER
Is that bad?
XENA
Well, it ain't good. Scythians are pure evil.
Yeah. Yes, yeah.
EXTRA
Throw it again.
EXTRA
Throw it again!
EXTRA
Yeah. Yes! Yeah!
Look.
EXTRA
Huh?
ACESTUS
What a magnificent beast.
What are you waitin' for?! Get me that horse!
Hyah!
With a horse like that under me-
-I'd be unstoppable. And evil will rule the world!
Yoo-hoo? Bunny? Here, bunny, bunny, bunny,
bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.
Hah.
Are ya hungry? Come here, bunny.
Yeah. Um-mmm. It's good. You're such
a cute, little rabbit.
Hey, don't scratch me! I don't want you to scratch me!
JOXER
So, those Scythians are pretty good horsemen, huh?
XENA
The best. Their warriors will stop at nothing.
They're tough and ruthless.
JOXER
Oh and their women are rough and toothless.
Heh-heh-heh!
XENA
How many roads into that village?
JOXER
One, but it's pretty treacherous.
XENA
Well, that's good. I'll have to work quickly, but if
I can block off that road I might-
JOXER
Wait a minute, Xena, wait a minute. Now, I appreciate
what you're tryin' to do, but those villagers hired
me. And only Joxer the Mighty is
gonna stop those Scythians.
XENA
Joxer, I once knew a warrior who tried to stop
them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens
and Carthage.
JOXER
Whaddya mean?
XENA
They buried him in-in Sparta, Athens, and
Carthage. Think about it, Joxer.
JOXER
Oh. Oh, it's a riddle! Okay, can I do one? A monkey,
a rat, and a beaver-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer.
JOXER
What?
XENA
Have you noticed anything about my hair?
JOXER
Uh, yeah. Looks, lovely.
XENA
No.
Gabrielle, she had this crazy idea about...(laughing)
bugs or something.
JOXER
Oh, your lice. Yeah, I can see 'em from here.
(firmly) I don't have lice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, listen, I just thought ya liked bein' filthy.
Made ya look tough or something.
XENA
(laughing) I'm not filthy!
JOXER
Hey, I'm not the one who has the lice.
I don't have lice!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, girls, anyone want some more radish stew?
Oh! You know? It's not my favourite thing to eat
either. But somebody let the wittle
wabbit get away.
GABRIELLE
Joxer? You're lucky it was me back there. That
little bunny, would have ripped your head off.
JOXER
Huh.
GABRIELLE
Well, I'm serious. That was one tough rabbit.
XENA
Yeah, sure it was.
JOXER
Mm-hmm? Real man-killer. Xena? If it'll
make ya feel better, I'll go look for Argo.
XENA
(sarcasticly) Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'd take a load off.
She can smell me from miles away. Here, Argo.
GABRIELLE
Maybe she's enjoying her freedom.
Argo!
XENA
No, she's angry.
JOXER
Argo!
GABRIELLE
Why?
XENA
I've never left her alone for this long.
JOXER
Argo! Where are you?!
XENA
I know what it is. She saw me ride off another horse.
Are you saying that she's jealous?
XENA
She's hurt! She's gotta be hurt by that!
Ah, Xena, maybe she's just visiting her old haunts.
I mean, this is where you found her right?
XENA
Yeah. Yeah, I thought she was the most beautiful
horse I'd ever seen. We--we bonded immediately.
It was like we were made-
GABRIELLE
Oh!
XENA
-for one another. We even knew what each other was-
Ahhh. Mmmmm. Yeah. Ah, yeah, that's it.
XENA
That's not my chakram that you're scratching
your fungus on, is it?
GABRIELLE
Yeah. Yeah. It is your chakram. Xena, come on.
I just need relief.
XENA
Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
Look, my fingernails are worn to the nubs. I need
to scratch.
XENA
No, you shouldn't be scratching, anyway. It'll only
make things worse.
GABRIELLE
I'm not gonna give it to you.
Don't make me hurt you, Scabrielle.
GABRIELLE
All right, Eczema, what're you gonna do?
Huh? You're gonna use your pressure points.
Go on. Go ahead. Go for it.
You can't touch me. Come on. Come on. You're
really tough now, Warrior Princess.
I couldn't find Argo anywhere.
And we had such hopes.
JOXER
Hey, your hands are tied.
GABRIELLE
Heh. You see, this was Xena's idea of a joke.
Funny, huh? You can untie me.
JOXER
Okay.
Hey, where is Xena?
GABRIELLE
She went to start a rock slide to block the path
to the village.
JOXER
Oh.
Well, how are we gonna get there?
GABRIELLE
She's starting it behind us. Our path will be clear?
Anyone following us will be blocked? Don't be
such a...
JOXER
A what?
GABRIELLE
Never mind. Untie me...please?
JOXER
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You were just gonna
call me an idiot or a--a dork or something,
weren't you?
GABRIELLE
Joxer, I just need a scratch. Please.
All right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap your head
off. It's my fungus talking! Joxer, come on!
You know how I feel about you.
JOXER
How do you feel about me?
GABRIELLE
Well, you know, uh, I--I value your...
JOXER
My what?
What? What'd you say?
GABRIELLE
Um, I--I don't think this is a--a really good time
right now.
JOXER
Oh, sure it is, Gabrielle. Go on, spit it out.
Come on.
XENA
Mmmmm.
I don't ask for much. I just want my pony
back. Where's Gabrielle?
Nature called.
No, it screamed like a wild banshee.
JOXER
You know? Argo's a nice horse. I'm sure a lot
of people would like to have her.
XENA
Are you out of your mind? Argo wouldn't go to
anybody else. She'd die first.
Oh, Argo, Argo, Argo. Someone walked by with
an apple, and she followed him home.
XENA
Ha!
GABRIELLE
That's what horses do!
Hmm.
GABRIELLE
What did you put in my breakfast?
JOXER
Just radishes and water. Why?
GABRIELLE
My stomach feels like Monday morning in Tartarus.
JOXER
You know? I just think you're feeling a little puffy,
irritable, and bloated, today.
Mmmmm. Give me the scroll.
Uh! Next time, find your own bush!
JOXER
Girls, please, there's bushes enough for everybody.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Watch behind you. She's a beauty.
Uh, a landslide has, uh, blocked the route that
the rest of the men were to use to join us. They'll
have to take a detour, and that could take a while.
Shall we proceed without them?
ACESTUS
No. We'll wait here 'til they get through.
Watch it!
EXTRA
Watch the kick!
ACESTUS
Give me more time to break her.
SCYTHIAN SOLDIER
You think that'll work?
ACESTUS
I hope so. I'd hate to have to kill such a beautiful
animal.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Fear not. Joxer the Mighty has
returned. Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!
VILLAGER
Here's the guy that ran out on us!
EXTRA
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get him!
JOXER
Wait. Wait. Wait, wait. I'm Joxer the Mighty, remember?
(sings) Oh, Joxer the Mighty,
EXTRA
Oh jeez. No.
JOXER
(sings) He roams through the countryside?
VILLAGER
Oh, not that song, again! I can't get it out of my
head! The meter is awful! Kill him!
JOXER
Wait. Now, wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Hold
it. Hold it. Look, I realize you haven't been real
happy with my services, so-o-o, I've recruited two
great warriors for you! Meet Xena, the
Warrior Princess and her sidekick, Gabrielle!
They're gonna defend our village?
XENA
Yeah, but we're gonna need a little help. Uh, go
to your houses and collect together all your--your
tools and your weapons.
Give Joxer a list of every able-bodied villager and
secure the outhouse!
INN KEEPER
The outhouse? Is that important?
XENA
It is to me!
Ah-h-h-h!
Get out of my way!
Ow, ow, ow!
GABRIELLE
Uhh. Uhh.
EXTRA
Uh. Don't look, children.
GABRIELLE
Oh, yeah.
XENA
That'll teach ya.
LOUSE
Oh! Oh!
INN KEEPER
What are you? Crazy? The Scythians will wipe
the floor with these two.
JOXER
(laughing) Relax. Everything's under control.
Listen, would you guys stop scratching and picking
for a minute? Everyone's gettin' nervous. Would
you go out there and flex a little warrior muscle,
please, and maybe kill...something?
Uh.
We're doing all we can to avert an all-out war
with the Scythians. But in the unlikely event that
you will be called upon to act, you'll need to use-
-one of these. I need a volunteer.
I pick you.
EXTRA
Mmm?
XENA
Yeah. Come on, come on, come on.
Don't be shy, your mother wasn't. All right, hold
that. Got it firm?
EXTRA
Yeah.
All right, you got it? Oh yeah, you got it. Mmmmm.
INN KEEPER
Hold it. Even if everyone in the village learns to
use a sword, we're still in trouble. The Scythians have horses.
And lots of 'em.
XENA
Good point. I'm glad you brought that up. See,
I'm lookin' for a horse. My horse. It's gold,
with a white mane.
INN KEEPER
One horse? Doesn't sound like much of a plan
to me. The Scythians could be back at any moment.
What are you gonna do about it?!
XENA
Now, you listen to me! We have already blocked
the roads, so they won't be here for a while, and
that'll give us time to prepare.
Here's what we'll need.
INN KEEPER
What is it? A list of weapons?
Linseed root? Willow bark?
XENA
Uh, yeah. We'll also need a room and a bath.
INN KEEPER
You can stay here. And you're welcome to use
the town's natural mineral bath.
Hmm, good. Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Uh-huh?
XENA
Let's go.
You get used to the smell.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you sure this is necessary?
XENA
Only if you wanna get rid of your fungus.
GABRIELLE
What do the Scythians want with these people?
They're just poor. They have nothing but mineral
baths.
XENA
And Greek fire.
GABRIELLE
What's Greek fire?
XENA
See over there? That's oil that's been heated
deep in the ground. In the wrong hands,
it can be very dangerous.
Guys! Guys! Great news. I talked to the villagers.
They've decided not to stone you. Us.
Decided not to stone me. Uh, Xena, here's that,
uh, medicine you wanted. Uh, you were right.
All the villagers are having stomach problems.
How'd ya know?
XENA
Just a wild guess.
JOXER
Oh. Oh, well, I--I got that list you wanted? Um, I've
arranged all the, uh, villagers by, uh, height,
weight, and, uh, fighting ability. So, uh-
-I'm gonna go, uh, marshal the troops.
XENA
Let's hope we feel better before it comes to that.
JOXER
Oh.
GABRIELLE
This stuff stinks. What is this? Sheep dung?
JOXER
Goat poo.
He's kidding, right?
JOXER
Heh. Just, uh, yike.
Well, it's working, isn't it?
Ow! Oh.
Why, I oughtta...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh, duh.
LOUSE
Lady, lady!
Oh my god! She killed Kenny! You bitch!
You thinking about Argo?
It's hard not to.
GABRIELLE
Xena, I know how close you too are. But I don't
think she's holding a grudge against you.
XENA
You don't know how moody she can be.
Oh no.
XENA
She doesn't open up to you.
She doesn't like me, does she? What is it? Is it
my personality? What? My hair colour? The fact
that I talk about her like she's a real person?
XENA
You know? We gotta watch for that innkeeper.
GABRIELLE
Why? What does he have? What? What?
Ringworm?
XENA
No, he's in with the Scythians.
GABRIELLE
How do you know that?
XENA
His place is the only one in town that isn't damaged.
My guess is he's already sent out a messenger,
and a Scythian assassin is on his way.
GABRIELLE
Maybe he'll put me out of my misery.
XENA
What are you drinkin'?
GABRIELLE
Linseed root. You said it was good for my skin.
XENA
On your skin. You're not supposed to drink it.
Well, so? I mean what could happen?
XENA
Your mouth could go numb.
GABRIELLE
I can't feel my tongue. Theena, I can't feel my tongue.
XENA
The numbness should go away in a few days.
GABRIELLE
What?
Son of nitch!
XENA
Heh-heh.
Yah! Hmm?
What the-
Uhh! Gabrielle? Gabrielle! Wake up.
Stomach. I did the-
Find out what you can.
Theena hath jutht cut off the flow of blood to
your brain.
EURAYLUS
What?! What did you say?!
I thaid that Theena hath jutht cut off the flow of
blood to your brain. Talk. Talk! Tell uth
what you know.
EURAYLUS
Help! Somebody!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep her away from me.
XENA
Keep talkin'.
EURAYLUS
All right. I'm Euraylus. My brother's is Acestus,
the leader of the Scythian army.
XENA
What's he got up his sleeve?
EURAYLUS
I'm not tellin' you what he's got planned.
XENA
All right. Gabrielle, go in there and give him a
nice, big kiss.
All right!
As soon as the rest of our men arrive, he plans
to attack the town from both ends at once. He'll
lead his elite guard from the south. I'll bring in
the rest of the army from the north.
XENA
I think the last part of that plan's just changed.
EURAYLUS
You don't know my brother. He's not gonna leave
me here in this jail cell to rot.
XENA
Don't tell us about rot.
Whe-e-e-e-e!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It'd be eathier if we had Argo.
JOXER and XENA
What?
GABRIELLE
Argo!
XENA
Yeah, it'd be a lot easier if we had Argo.
No!
Theena, what ith it?
It's Argo.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
What's wrong with you?! What's wrong with you?!
XENA
That's it, girl! Come on, it's me!
Here! Tie this to the bars!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We'll be back! Greek fire, it will be ours!
And we will rule the world! Come on!
Ow! Ow! Careful! Ow! Hey!
XENA
I just can't believe that Argo would let someone
else ride her.
LOUSE
Oh!
XENA
Wh--what we had was such a beautiful thing.
(crying) I ruined it!
Boy, did you see that horse that Scythian was
ridin' on? What a beaut.
Joxer. Joxer, it wath Nargo.
JOXER
It looked a little like Argo, too. He was kickin' her
real hard.
What?!
GABRIELLE
Theena, maybe Nargo didn't hear you.
XENA
Oh, she heard me all right.
JOXER
So, why was she lettin' that bad guy ride her?
XENA
I don't know! But I'm gonna get her back. Joxer.
JOXER
What?
You're the secret weapon.
JOXER
Me?
XENA
You're going to neutralize the rest of the
army while I get my horse back.
JOXER
I am? I mean, I am. The whole army?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know if my lithe hath funguth or my funguth
hath lithe.
Bring me some water!
GABRIELLE
Who ith that?
XENA
This is the cook from Acestus' army who will
ensure that Joxer's made welcome.
GABRIELLE
Do you really think that Jockther can do it?
XENA
Gabrielle, he gave the villagers a stomach
virus. He gave us a stomach virus. With
any luck, he'll do the same for the Scythian army.
GABRIELLE
Did you thee Argo?
XENA
No, I nidn't.
No, I didn't. The Scythians treat their horses really
well. The commander's horse'll have her own
tent. That one. All right. You keep an eye out. Any
sign of trouble, just whistle.
GABRIELLE
Okay.
EXTRA
What are you doing? Move!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay. Remember now, Joxer, you're the secret weapon.
(sings) Oh, Joxer the-
M--m--m--Mommy!
SCYTHIAN SOLDIER
What did you want?!
JOXER
Anyone hungry? Heh-heh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tend to those horses! Get him that sharpening stone.
Hey, girl. It's me. I know I smell funny, but, I had
kind of a tough week. Look, I know you've been
mad. I know that you've been avoiding me. But
I've come back, and I'm never gonna let you
go, again. So, let's get out of here, huh?
Thanks.
JOXER
You know, uh, I'm a graduate of the Royal Athenian
Academy of Cooking. I cooked for the king -- before
he died. Here you go. Heh-heh. Oh, a little for
you. A little for you.
A little more for you, big fella.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was the cook for the royal Trojan army. Their,
uh, legendary flatulence had nothing to do with
me, of course.
Okay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, what's all that?
Ppppthhh!
Now, you keep that up, and everybody's
gonna know that we're here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's go.
GABRIELLE
Gabrielle, you can whithle. Pthhhh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not leaving without you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pthhhhh. What elthe could go wrong?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah-h-h-h!
Look at her!
EXTRA
Watch it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah-h-h! Ah! Ah-h!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT FOUR
Get her!
I'm not givin' up on you, girl!
Xena. This means the village is unprotected.
Take the rest of the men. Go strike the village
at once.
EURAYLUS
Right.
ACESTUS
I'll take care of her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That oughtta do it.
Quick! All you men, prepare to...
All right, Acestus.
Xena!
XENA
All right, girl. You want me?
You got me.
What are you doing?! Defend yourself!
Argo, here, let's get this off 'a you, huh? Okay.
There. There.
I knew you couldn't do it to me, girl. We've been
through too much, together, huh? You came
pretty close, though.
Look out!
Wait there.
You need a lesson in loyalty!
Nobody touches my horse.
Come on!
XENA
Get on it!
ACESTUS
Ha-ha-ha!
Are you all right, Xena?
XENA
I've never been better. Come on.
Okay. Look, I missed ya. I missed ya so much.
Look, I promise I will never leave you alone for
that long, again. I thought I was never gonna getcha
back. Just one thing. How did Acestus win you
over? What did it?
Apples? Ya left me for apples?! Well, thanks, pal.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you, Joxer, for saving our village.
EXTRA
Yes, thank you Joxer.
VILLAGER
Here's the five hundred dinars we promised ya.
JOXER
Five hundred dinars? That's a lot of dough. Wow,
why, with this kind of dough, I'm gonna buy-
Buy you a new village. Here, take this. I can't accept
it. Grow. Prosper! Ha-ha!
VILLAGER
How can we ever repay you?!
JOXER
Well, um, if you ever thought of renaming your village
Joxonia or Joxopolis I wouldn't object.
EXTRA
I like that.
That was a nice thing you did.
JOXER
Hmm. You know, Gabrielle, it's moment like that,
that make a warrior's life worthwhile.
XENA
If you think about it, you brought down the entire
Scythian army without spilling a single
drop of blood.
JOXER
Hmm. True.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, ya have talent. Ha-ha. It's contagious.
JOXER
Yeah. Joxer the Mighty, immune to all diseases.
(sings) Oh, Joxer, the Mighty
Never gets a fever.
He's eager as a beaver.
He's Joxer
He's Joxer, th-
Uh! Gah!
(to Gabrielle) How are you feeling?
JOXER
Not now!
GABRIELLE
I'll live.
This week's been kind of tough on everyone, I
guess. But, you know, I'm always there for you
and--and, you're always there for me, s-
Friends. Ooh, I got all the friends I need.
Ooh! Ow! Yowie!
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Campbell Cooley as Euraylus
Timothy Lee as Acestus
Andrew Kovacevich as Inn Keeper
Allen O'Halloran as Scythian Soldier
Albert Sword as Villager
Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Josh Becker
Disclaimer: No Leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during the production of this motion picture.
