Animal Attraction
Ow! Joxer!
JOXER
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
AMARICE
Come on.
JOXER
I wasn't looking.
AMARICE
Yeah, you were. At Gabrielle.
JOXER
Was not.
AMARICE
Was to. You know what? If I ever go ga-ga like that
over anyone, you have my permission to kill me.
JOXER
Happy to oblige.
Ow!
AMARICE
That is so guy!
JOXER
What do you know about guys? You're an Amazon.
All you know is shopping for bows and arrows
and emasculation.
AMARICE
I know you don't have to live with pigs to recognize one.
JOXER
You know? I'm so glad all women aren't like you.
AMARICE
All the women I know are. We don't need a man
to get along. In fact as far as they're concerned
you guys are totally dispensable.
Hmm. Hmm.
He did it again.
What? Aw, I must have missed it. I think I dozed off.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, you've been doing that a lot lately.
XENA
Yeah. I've been taking hornbain and olive but it
doesn't seem to be helping. I guess I just need
a bit more sack time, huh?
What are you? A healer?
Nah, I'm just tired. (to Gabrielle) Why, what did
I miss?
GABRIELLE
Joxer gave me one of those looks again. Xena,
when he said he loved me, he said that he didn't
expect anything from me. Clearly, he does. I'm
trying to be sensitive. Do you have any advice?
Gabrielle looks up but Xena is asleep again. Argo whinnies and Xena wakes up.
XENA
Huh? What was that?
Yah!
Oh.
XENA
Yah!
JOXER
Xena, uh-
XENA
Yah!
Okay. Oh. Gabby, would you-
GABRIELLE
Later Joxer. Come on Amarice!
Wait.
Okay Argo, I'm gonna need your help here. Come
on big fella. It's okay. It's okay. You're gonna feel
a whole lot better by the time we're through with ya.
All right. All right. We gotcha now.
Okay Argo. Here we go. Easy now. There boy.
Who-o-o-oa.
Oh, by the gods.
XENA
Gabrielle come here. Joxer, Amarice, you stay there.
--Gabrielle, talk to him.
GABRIELLE
What do I say?
XENA
Say anything. See if you can calm him down while
I set his leg free from that trap.
GABRIELLE
(whisper) Okay.
It's okay boy. It's okay. Easy. Good boy. It's okay.
No one's gonna hurt you. Hold still. Steady. Steady.
It's okay. Steady-y-y-y. That's it. Hold still.
That's a good boy. (whispering) Good.
Sh-h-h, sh-h-h. It's okay. Be still. Stay still.
Steady-y-y-y.
GABRIELLE
Good boy.
XENA
There ya go.
GABRIELLE
(whispers) Yeah.
XENA
Huh.
GABRIELLE
Good boy.
XENA
We're gonna have to treat that wound before we
set him free.
GABRIELLE
Set him free?
XENA
What's on your mind?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spa...moan. Spamona?
GABRIELLE
Spamona. Yeah it's famous for its hot springs.
Hey Xena, a little rest and we'll all feel better.
JOXER
Hot springs, huh?
EXTRA
Ma'am?
JOXER
Hey ya know that guy?
GABRIELLE
Who, him?
JOXER
Hey these hot springs, they, um-
EXTRA
Get your hands in the water now!
Come on boy. Steady. That's it. Good boy.
JOXER
I heard a horse once bit a man in half. Get! Get!
Go on!
I really appreciate this.
XENA
Are you kidding? This way I get a hot bath and
to eat something I didn't kill myself. On the other
hand, I'm so hungry I could eat a h-
You wouldn't.
Ah, excuse me folks, I guess I oughtta tell ya this
town's got a law against carrying weapons.
AMARICE
In case you didn't know, this is Xena. Who's got
the guts to take her weapons, huh?
TALIA
Me.
ACT ONE
Yuh!
Aw!
I never could put that past you.
XENA
Hello Talia.
Aw-w-w-w. Aw-w-w, you always saw that move coming.
XENA
Aw, your sword kind of tips it. You could try switching
hands. Might save your life.
TALIA
Oh, I'll remember that.
GABRIELLE
I guess you two know each other.
XENA
Oh, this is Talia. We rode together years ago.
These are my friends Gabrielle, Joxer and Amarice.
TALIA
Welcome to Spamona.
XENA
You know I'm kind of surprised to findja in a place like this.
TALIA
Oh, I'm kind of surprised to find you alive. Word
was Caesar staked you to a cross.
XENA
Yeah. It's a long story. Why don't we get together
over a meal? You know I wanna feel I should
have some raspberry jelly and I don't know, some
raw fish. What do you say?
JOXER
Um, I just ate.
But...
GABRIELLE
Hm-m.
AMARICE
Uh, yeah. I wouldn't wanna butt in.
No.
GABRIELLE
I'm gonna work with the horse.
XENA
(to Talia) Aah. Come on. I'm buying.
You always eat like this?
XENA
Well, you know...
DEPUTY
Hello Sheriff but I thought you oughtta see this.
Showed up while I was on rounds.
XENA
It's yours. I recognize the design.
TALIA
Was mine. Last I saw, it was sticking in a dirt
bag named Darcon. He used to tear up this town
pretty bad.
DEPUTY
I'm sorry Sheriff but if Darcon and his boys are
out, no one's safe.
EXTRA
I don't know.
What's this?
DEPUTY
My resignation.
EXTRA
He's looking for the whole bandwagon.
Well, Darcon must be trouble.
TALIA
Nothin' but.
XENA
I'm glad we're here to help.
TALIA
No. I--I mean, thanks, but Darcon's my problem.
I'll handle him. Your word.
XENA
Oh. (holds up two fingers) Promise.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's not comin' up.
EXTRA
No. Do something!
EXTRA
Help him!
AMARICE
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Are you all right? Hello!
Oh, by the gods. You all right? Hey.
I am now.
AMARICE
Yeah, me too. I mean, glad you're all right. I--I
wouldn't wanna drown you my first time here.
ARMAN
I know what you mean. Makes for a very bad impression.
Well, there's no visible damage so, see ya.
No, no. Wait. Uh, look, you just saved my life
and I don't even know your name.
Amarice, there ya are. Arman.
AMARICE and ARMAN
You know Joxer?
JOXER
What are you doing here? I thought you were
away at school.
ARMAN
Well, I was just passin' through.
JOXER
Hey, uh, listen, I--I never told you that, uh...
ARMAN
No Joxer, uh, that was the past.
So, uh, ya know, uh, Amarice.
ARMAN
Know her? She saved my life.
JOXER
Oh-h-h, did you now? Saved a man's life, did ya?
Mm-m. Huh.
AMARICE
I'm glad you're all right.
No, wait!
AMARICE
Whoa!
Right over!
You think that's funny?
JOXER
Well no. Uh, but a little bit. Yeah. (laughs)
ARMAN
Sorry, but it's just, you're not hurt and--and it was
pretty funny!
Come on Amarice. You're not really hurt.
ARMAN
Where's your sense a humour?
AMARICE
You wanna know where my sense of humor is?!
I'll tell you! You mother-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? I'm
telling you, she's insane.
JOXER
No argument there.
ARMAN
Immature, obnoxious, spoiled.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inconsiderate, arrogant, self-centered, uh, smug.
GABRIELLE
Maybe it wasn't Arman.
XENA
Doesn't sound like him to me.
AMARICE
I got news for you. People change.
XENA
Hm-m-m.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh and talk about erratic. One moment she's
savin' my life, the next she's tryin' to take my head
off. What's that all about?
JOXER
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't chain 'em in
the yard.
Ow! Oh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't feel so good.
AMARICE
After raspberry jam and raw fish? Big surprise.
GABRIELLE
You haven't been feeling good for days, now.
XENA
It'll pass.
GABRIELLE
I know you're a gifted healer. I think it's time for
a second opinion. What do you say?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.
A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.
HEALER
Very good. Well congratulations. You're in excellent
health, you know? Considering.
XENA
Beg pardon? Hey Doc, if there's som'in' wrong,
you know you can tell me. It--it doesn't matter
what it is. I can take it. I'm pretty tough. Just spit it
out. I'm in excellent health, considering what?
HEALER
Considering you're pregnant.
ACT TWO
It's impossible! I cannot be pregnant. If you
weren't such a quack, you would know that getting
pregnant involves certain physical requirements
that I haven't met in a long time and I mean a
very long time. No one, zilch, zippo. I am a love-free
zone. Therefore it is utterly impossible that I be up
the duff. So what's your diagnosis now?
HEALER
Mood swings!
Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Wait up! Wait up! Look,
uh, let me help ya!
GABRIELLE
Oh, I can carry a sack of apples.
JOXER
I--I know you can! I know you can! But--but why
should ya?
GABRIELLE
Joxer thank you.
JOXER
No, no. Gabrielle look, with me around to handle
the smaller and more indispensable aspects of
life, that leaves you to handle the larger and more
important ones.
GABRIELLE
No, I can handle my own apples.
JOXER
Gabrielle, let me help you. You might like it.
GABRIELLE
I don't think so.
Gimme!
GABRIELLE
Stop it.
JOXER
I'm gonna help you!
GABRIELLE
Joxer.
JOXER
No.
GABRIELLE
Joxer get your hands off my apples!
Perfect example.
Right over here!
Quack.
Come on. Here you go boy. Go on, it's an apple.
Oh, I know you're hungry, you know it. Come on.
Come on, I'm your friend. Argo will ya tell him
I'm not gonna hurt him?
Fine, if that's your attitude, you can just take it
when you want it. I'm talking to horses.
Am I nuts?
Certifiable.
GABRIELLE
Arman.
ARMAN
Joxer said I'd find you here.
Amarice was right. It is you.
ARMAN
Amarice?
GABRIELLE
What's going on with you two?
ARMAN
She's insane. All I did was laugh a little when
she slipped.
GABRIELLE
You laughed at her?
ARMAN
Well, yeah. It was funny. And she wasn't hurt.
GABRIELLE
Right. Her pride was hurt. Okay, think about if you
fell down in front of your whole school. Would
you laugh?
ARMAN
I see your point. So what do I do to make it up to her?
GABRIELLE
Flowers. You can't go wrong with flowers.
ARMAN
Flowers?
GABRIELLE
Yes, women love flowers. Except Xena.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, she's the only woman that I know who
doesn't stop to smell them.
EXTRA
Got it! Got it! Get your flowers here!
Hm-m-m.
EXTRA
I got fresh flowers here!
(cute voice) Oh-h-h-h, it's a wittle cutey! I...
You know what? I think you're right. Maybe Amarice
and I just got off on the wrong foot. I'll do that.
Hey, uh, thanks for the advice.
'Wrong foot.' Hm-m-m.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Look familiar? Pretty painful, huh? Who-o! Boy!
Nah, it's not a nice feeling. Yeah, I know what
you're going through.
It's tough. Tough on a horse.
We're equals now, though. You know that? You
can trust me, now. Horse. Forget it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not that I don't appreciate your offer. I do.
XENA
Then why don't you accept a little help?
TALIA
Because this is my problem, not yours.
XENA
You're wrong. Fighting men like Darcon is
everybody's problem, especially mine.
TALIA
Not this time.
XENA
Really? Ah-h, so what makes Darcon different
from every other scum-sucking warlord?
TALIA
He's my husband.
XENA
Condolences.
TALIA
I don't love him, not anymore but I did. And now
I'm afraid of him...of me.
XENA
Talia this must end here. Face it you're going
to need a little help. That's what I'm here for.
TALIA
No. No, I stand up to Darcon or I don't but either
way, I am not gonna let you take him on for me,
especially pregnant.
Oh, come on. Who's kidding herself, now? The
need for sleep? The cravings? The nausea?
Hey--hey, not to mention, you know you're looking
a little...
My mother was a midwife Xena. Wake up and
smell the diapers.
What'll it be?
XENA
Milk.
BARTENDER
(laughs) Milk?!
XENA
I said milk! What, am I over-age?
Xena hey. I've been looking all over for you. I think
I'm in trouble.
XENA
What, is it in the water?
Huh? I'm talking about Arman?
XENA
Well, what about him?
AMARICE
Well, you see that's the trouble.
Every Amazon instinct I have says keep away but
my heart just says go for it. Have you ever had
this problem before?
Apparently. Listen Amarice, either you kiss him
or you kill him. But either way it doesn't seem to
make a difference.
Xena? How you been?
You hurt her Arman, I will have your hide.
Hi.
AMARICE
Hi. What are those?
ARMAN
A way to start over, I hope. These are for you.
AMARICE
For me? Wow. Nobody's ever given me anything
like this before.
ARMAN
I'm surprised. You deserve them.
AMARICE
I do?
ARMAN
And more. You deserve someone who'll really
appreciate you. A man who'll protect and pamper you.
AMARICE
A man to protect me?
ARMAN
Make sure you never have to worry or be scared.
AMARICE
You think I'm scared of you?
ARMAN
No, no. That's not what I said.
AMARICE
That's what you meant!
ARMAN
No it isn't.
AMARICE
You calling me a liar?
ARMAN
Are you telling me what I said?!
AMARICE
I know what I heard!
ARMAN
Liar!
ACT THREE
Oh! Arman!
Oh-h-h-h. We-e-e-ell I see you two didn't have
any problem makin' up. (to Amarice) And I see you
have no problem kissing guys!
Aw-w-w! Ah-h-h!
AMARICE
He started it!
ARMAN
I did not!
JOXER
Have you seen Gabrielle?
AMARICE
You kissed me first!
ARMAN
I did not! That kiss was all your idea!
JOXER
I'm trying to find Gabrielle. So if you-
AMARICE
You know what? You are delusional.
ARMAN
Well I'd rather be deluded than nuts.
Oh! Kids.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know why I tried. I'm just like an idiot. Talking
to horses. Think I'd have no friends.
Good horse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
See you Friday!
TALIA
Hi-ho!
Help!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've got something I wanna tell you. Just stay put.
Believe me, you don't wanna be standing when
you hear this. Not that it's bad. See I would sense
that and it's not but there is this small question
of how it happened and once you get past that,
it's really great. Don't give me that look like you
knew. You didn't know.
I didn't even know and I'm the one who's expecting.
Or maybe you did know but don't let on to the others.
I wanna tell them myself. Gabrielle's gonna freak.
Let's go! Take the eight!
XENA
Arman come here.
Here boy.
XENA
Listen, what I said to you before, I'm--I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it. I was steamed about something
else. You're a good man. I know that.
ARMAN
The way I feel about Amarice, I'm not sure that
qualifies as good. I mean it's not like I meant for
this to happen.
XENA
Happen? Something happened?
ARMAN
I kissed her and no matter what she says, she
kissed me back. She just won't admit it.
XENA
And why do you think that is?
ARMAN
I think it's 'cause she's scared it'll make her seem weak.
XENA
Hm-m.
ARMAN
Like carin' for someone is som'in' bad. Can you
believe that?
XENA
Yeah, I used to but now I know that any fool can
risk his life. It takes a hero to risk his heart.
ARMAN
Well tell that to Amarice!
XENA
I've got a better idea.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, uh, mind if I sit down?
AMARICE
If you want. I mean, I mean, sure, yeah.
ARMAN
Great, uh, so, uh, look, Amarice I just want you
to know that I've talked to Xena and uh-
AMARICE
You talked to her? Me too. She's great isn't she?
ARMAN
Oh! The best. Now there's a woman who's really
got it together.
AMARICE
Never loses it.
ARMAN
Never.
Keep the street clear!
EXTRA
It's the last one.
Ga--a--a--a...what you were gonna say?
ARMAN
Oh, uh, it's just that, uh, I understand where you're
comin' from a--and--and I want you to know that
there's no hard feelings.
AMARICE
Hard feelings? If anyone should have hard feelings,
it would be me. Which I don't.
ARMAN
Amarice what's goin' on? Why you acting like this?
AMARICE
Like what, if you don't mind my asking?
ARMAN
Like that. So--so phony, it's not you.
AMARICE
Oh, like you really know me.
ARMAN
Keep this up and I won't want to.
AMARICE
Oh, really? Well excuse me for being nice. It
won't happen again!
That was nice?
Amarice have you seen Xena?
Oh!
AMARICE
Wait till I do!
JOXER
Arman have you seen Xena?
Ah, I can't wait to find her!
JOXER
Kids.
Come on. Come on Handsome. Come on.
Xena?! Xena! You said-
JOXER
Oh Xena there you are!
AMARICE
-'Kiss him or kill him,' right?
ARMAN
Come on, I tried it.
AMARICE
Well I pick kill!
ARMAN
I couldn't seem to-
AMARICE
I was totally being nice!
ARMAN
It's like cozying up to a cactus! Like Xena-
GABRIELLE
Will you guys shut up?!
ARMAN
-tried to-
GABRIELLE
Shut up, please! The horse.
Every time I try to be nice just like you said she
always thinks-
XENA
I'm pregnant.
Xena, can you tell them, please?
ARMAN
Just like you said.
AMARICE
He's yelling-
XENA
I'm pregnant!
She's just--just insane.
ARMAN
Don't even-
XENA
(yells) I'm pregnant!
ACT FOUR
You're pregnant?
How can you be pregnant? Xena I mean, when
did you...who did...
XENA
I don't know.
JOXER
And you asked her advice on your love life.
You don't know?
XENA
Gabrielle this is as strange to me as it is to you.
I don't understand it but it's true. I felt it with Solan
and I feel it now. There's life within me and
it's good.
Congratulations.
XENA
Thanks.
AMARICE
A baby.
You're gonna be a really good mom.
XENA
Thanks.
ARMAN
That's really somethin'.
JOXER
I always wanted to be an uncle. Hello there, little fella!
Oh! Beats the heck out of my news.
XENA
What's that?
JOXER
Some creep named Darcon's comin'. He should
be here by sundown.
XENA
Has Talia seen this?
JOXER
I can't find her. Nobody can.
XENA
Then it's up to us.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are you doing here?
ARMAN
Xena sent me. Told me to guard the flank against a-
ARMAN and AMARICE
-surprise attack.
AMARICE
I don't even know why she wants me here. All the
action's gonna be down on the street.
ARMAN
I heard this Darcon's guy pretty tough.
AMARICE
Well I'm not afraid of him, if that's what you think.
ARMAN
No. Why do you always twist what I say? To
tell the truth Amarice, I don't know anyone who'd
scare you. You never let 'em close enough to try.
AMARICE
That's not true. There is someone who scares
me. You.
ARMAN
Very funny.
AMARICE
I'm not kidding. I've never met anyone like you.
I'm not used to feeling this way.
ARMAN
You think I am? This is all new to me too.
AMARICE
It doesn't scare you?
ARMAN
Big time but that's what makes us so brave, to
feel this scared and not run away. I'd say that takes
a lotta courage, wouldn't you?
AMARICE
You calling me a coward?
ARMAN
I hope not.
You don't have the slightest idea?
XENA
No. Look we've been through this a thousand
times. I don't.
GABRIELLE
How can you not know? I--I just find that hard
to believe, you know?
XENA
Tell me.
GABRIELLE
Ares. Maybe he did a god thing.
No.
GABRIELLE
Okay fine.
When was the last time we saw Hercules? I forget,
I can't...
Hi Honey. I'm home.
TALIA
This isn't your home Darcon. Not anymore.
DARCON
Well we'll have to see about that, won't we boys?
Come on! Hah!
EXTRA
Get on horse! Come on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on Gabrielle!
Yah! Yah!
Hey guys.
EXTRA
Huh?
Whoa!
Hey!
Stop! Stop!
GANG MEMBER
What?! Ya got some little horsey friend?! A little
pony all trigged out in bows?!
GABRIELLE
Yeah. Please. Don't, please.
GANG MEMBER
Who's gonna stop me?
Go on! Finish it!
TALIA
I have. The rest is up to a judge.
So, uh, I guess this is goodbye.
AMARICE
No this is.
Wow.
AMARICE
You should see my hellos.
Well congratulations. Looks like we're a two-horse family.
GABRIELLE
Yeah. Family being the operative word.
XENA
Yeah, how about that, huh?
GABRIELLE
You know what I think? I think it's the beginning
of a beautiful relationship.
Yup, for all of us.
This way. Stand. Steady now.
Whoa boy.
Come on Xena. Race you to Greece?
XENA
I don't know if you're ready for that.
GABRIELLE
You're chicken.
XENA
No, just being considerate. We race to Greece
and you won't be able to walk straight for a month.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Jennifer Sky as Amarice
Mfundo Morrison as Arman
Alison Bruce as Talia
David Te Rare as Darcon
Michael Howell as Deputy
John Smith as Stablehand
Norman Potts as Gang Member
Ric Chan as Healer
John Lawler as Barkeeper
Written by: Chris Manheim
Directed by: Rick Jacobson
Disclaimer: Although The Rabbit Died, No other animals were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
