Little Problems
Get it all boys! It's not everyday you penetrate
Aphrodite's sanctum! Now this is what I call a
treasure chest!
Who says crime doesn't pay, eh, boys?!
We do.
Ah-h-h!
XENA
Come on. Come on.
I got her!
Down boy. Come on. Ha-ha.
Ow!
Well now, I do believe that's Tharon's brand, huh?
Well you give him a little message from Xena.
Ow-w-w-w-w-w!
XENA
You tell him to stop looting or I'll finish off what
I started.
EXTRA
She got me right in the jewels! That hurt!
Who's Tharon?
XENA
Someone I thought was dead.
APHRODITE (voice-over)
Couldn't happen to a better guy.
Imagine, sending thugs to rob my sacred tribute.
XENA
A diamond necklace doesn't qualify as a religious
icon Aphrodite.
GABRIELLE
Don't tell me you're giving gifts to the poor.
APHRODITE
Oh, as if they could accessorize with this? No I'm
doing something much more lucra...I mean useful.
Come see.
GABRIELLE
Hmm.
What's going on here?
APHRODITE
Kindness, charity, compassion, not to mention
a twenty percent increase in my offerings since
I let these poor unfortunates crash here while the
sisters try and heal them.
GABRIELLE
I can't believe it, Aphrodite succoring the ill.
APHRODITE
I am not! These people give me things because
they're grateful!
Who's this?
APHRODITE
That's Daphne. Pretty, isn't she? She's been like
that since she got here. The sisters don't have
very much hope. They say there's nothing they can
do. She's lost her will to live.
GABRIELLE
Where are her parents?
APHRODITE
They say her mother's dead...but her father comes
by every morning on his way to work at the docks.
XENA
He should be here. (to Daphne) Kid if I could trade
places with ya, give you a second chance, I'd do
it in a heartbeat.
APHRODITE
Okay, I'll do it.
Xena. Hey. (to Aphrodite) What did you do?!
APHRODITE
I can switch Daphne's life force with Xena's. Who
knows? Maybe it'll give her the strength she needs
to get better.
GABRIELLE
What about her baby?
APHRODITE
Oh, it'll be fine. It just stays in Xena's body and
gets plenty of rest.
Xena?
DAPHNE
Where am I?
GABRIELLE
Xena?
DAPHNE
Who are you? Where's my mommy?
GABRIELLE
It's okay. Daphne it's okay. We're your friends.
Who are you calling Daphne? Gabrielle, it's me.
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Who else?
APHRODITE
Take a look.
ACT ONE
(from the mirror) What happened?!
Aphrodite? What happened?
GABRIELLE
It's a good question.
APHRODITE
Oops! Guess I didn't complete the switch!
I'm scared.
XENA
You're scared.
GABRIELLE
Daphne, I'm Gabrielle. This is...this is the goddess
Aphrodite. I think she's put Xena into your body
but it's only temporary because she's going to
switch it back. (to Aphrodite) Right?
APHRODITE
Right! Just as soon as I figure out how.
Daphne, you're awake.
Yes Father. Where's Mother?
SANDOR
She's...well, come on, now. Let's get you home.
We'll talk there.
GABRIELLE
Wait. I have, um, I have a friend in your daughter.
Don't worry Gabrielle. I'll be fine. You just take
care of things here until you work out what's wrong.
GABRIELLE
Okay...'Daphne.'
SANDOR
Come on girl. Let's go.
Coming Father.
Boy, talk about failure to communicate.
GABRIELLE
Says the god who can't pull off a simple body switch?
APHRODITE
Oh, relax! I'll figure it out! I just need to think.
GABRIELLE
That's what I'm afraid of.
Xena? Here?
GALANTIS
She said if you keep looting, she'll finish what
she started.
THARON
Well let her try. I'm a lot tougher than when we
first tangled and a lot smarter too.
GALANTIS
You gonna take her?
THARON
Like candy from a baby.
GALANTIS
Yes.
THARON
I've waited ten years for the chance to do unto
Xena what she did to me.
Now you take your men and scour the town. A
woman like Xena won't be hard to find. Now go!
Mom. Where is she? You said you'd tell me when
we got home.
SANDOR
I know. It's just...
Mom? Mom? Where are you?
SANDOR
Daphne...your mother...she's dead.
DAPHNE
No, no. She can't be.
Daphne, stop it. Come on settle down now. You hear? Stop it!
What about this one? Hensbane. A medicinal herb
used to separate man's mind from his powers.
GABRIELLE
No hensbane. Besides, we don't want to separate
minds. We need to separate two souls from
one body.
APHRODITE
O-oh! Makeover tips!
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite we don't have all day!
APHRODITE
Right. Tell me about it. If we don't get Xena out
of Daphne's body by sundown, she's trapped
there forever. Plus which I would miss the big
rave at the Gemini Club. Word is Castor and
Pollux themselves are gonna show up. And I
hear the band-
GABRIELLE
What did you say?
APHRODITE
The part about Xena being trapped forever?
GABRIELLE
No about Castor and Pollux. They're Zeus' twins, right?
APHRODITE
Hm-m-m-m-m.
GABRIELLE
Two souls trapped in one body.
APHRODITE
Mm-hmm, bingo. The original two-for-one boys.
I call 'em double trouble.
Spare me the details. Didn't one of them create
an oil? An oil that can separate them in times
of battle?
APHRODITE
That would be Castor. Keeps it in a little pouch
around his belt just in case of emergencies!
GABRIELLE
Okay. We better find a safe place to hide Xena's
body. Give me a hand.
APHRODITE
Uh, and risk a law suit if I drop her? I don't think
so. Why don't I just like zap her with a...
GABRIELLE
Haven't you done enough? Look at her. Promise
me that you will not use your magic any more today.
Thank you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh. I forgot you were there.
XENA
No wonder. You've had a lot to deal with, huh?
DAPHNE
Yeah, my mother.
XENA
Daphne I know. I'm sorry. I know you must have
loved her very much.
DAPHNE
I did and now she's gone. I don't even know how
it happened.
XENA
You will. Listen it's gonna take your dad a little
while to find the words but he's gonna tell you.
DAPHNE
No he won't. You were there on the ride home.
You saw. We never talk. We never have.
XENA
Then maybe now is the time to start. For both of you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Careful, careful! Easy, easy! Ooh! Watch the head!
GABRIELLE
Thanks, I couldn't have done it without you. Can
you help me get her up here? Please?
APHRODITE
Ah-h-h-h-h!
Uh-h-h-h!
GABRIELLE
Hurry up!
APHRODITE
Back off! I'm carrying for two here!
I'll just wrap around.
Don't bother! We'll take her as is.
ACT TWO
If you goons think you're taking her anywhere,
then you're dumber than you look.
APHRODITE
Hmm! No news there. I mean how smart is it
to take a soulless body anyway?
GABRIELLE
(to Aphrodite) Smarter than babbling about it.
GALANTIS
"Soulless?" What does that mean?
GABRIELLE
(snickers) Gods, they're--they're so mysterious.
APHRODITE
Oh, yeah?! Well figure this one out!
Testy too.
GALANTIS
Enough charades! We want Xena!
GABRIELLE
Then you're gonna have to come through me to
get her.
GALANTIS
Not a problem.
Yah! Yah! Yah!
Wait!
EXTRA
The rope's burning!
GALANTIS
Wait! You!
EXTRA
But she whipped us good!
EXTRA
Wait for me!
I wish you could have seen that one.
Whoo-Hoo! You go cowgirl! Yippee-ke-yi-yay!
GABRIELLE
(sarcastic) Thank you for your help, again.
APHRODITE
Oh, well these are new nails.
GABRIELLE
You think you can stay around long enough to
go to the Gemini Club?
APHRODITE
Does Medusa have bad hair days? I am so there!
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, I know I said no magic but can you
seal this cave? I don't want Tharon's men coming
back for Xena.
APHRODITE
Uh-huh, so now that you need it, it's okay to use
my powers. Aren't you afraid I'm gonna screw it up.
GABRIELLE
I'm willing to take that risk.
APHRODITE
All right. Let's go. I'm gonna seal this place up
as tight as a drum.
(whispering) I'll be back for you.
One hundred!
EXTRA
One hundred forty!
SANDOR
Give me a bunch of greens and a couple of small turnips.
EXTRA
Mm-hmm.
XENA
Ps-s-s-st. Daphne, over here.
Go talk to your father. Go o-o-o-on. Now's as good
a time as ever.
DAPHNE
I can't. I don't know what to say.
SANDOR
About what?
DAPHNE
Nothing.
SANDOR
Oh.
Flowers, fresh flowers here. Daisies and roses.
Very pretty, aren't they?
DAPHNE
They were my mother's favorite. She always said,
"A rose is the crown of your garden-
SANDOR
"But a daisy is its heart." You talking to yourself?
DAPHNE
Sort'a.
XENA
Go on Daphne, say something to him.
DAPHNE
I can't.
SANDOR
Can't what?
DAPHNE
I can't believe you know that. About the daisies, I mean.
SANDOR
They were Mother's favorite. Well come on now.
Can't eat flowers.
Whoa boy! Whoa! Whoa!
EXTRA
Look out!
Whoa, whoa!
EXTRA
Stop it! Get out of the way.
EXTRA
Let's get out of here!
Come back here! Stop!
Who-o-o-o-oa! Slow down! Come boy.
EXTRA
Thanks.
Daphne! Daphne!
You all right?
DAPHNE
Yeah, I'm okay.
SANDOR
Come on, let's go.
-her eggs.
EXTRA
Children should never-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excuse me. Pardon me?
EXTRA
Oh!
Whoa, hay! Where do you think you're going?
APHRODITE
Uh! Inside? Huh, honestly help these days!
DOORMAN
Names.
GABRIELLE
We're not on your list. We need-
APHRODITE
Clearly you don't know who I am.
EXTRA
Hi.
DOORMAN
I know who you're not and that's twins.
EXTRA
Hi.
Theme party. I don't see double? You don't get in.
APHRODITE
Oh, you're gonna see double, all right!
(softly) I have a plan.
Are you insane?
GALANTIS
I'm tellin' you boss, it was her.
THARON
Xena...in the body of a child.
GALANTIS
It all fits. What that goddess said about the soul
less body. The way that little girl stopped those
horses! And that war cry! Eee! It's Xena all right.
EXTRA
Hm-hmm.
THARON
Well there's only one way to find out. Get the girl. Go.
(whispering) Daphne.
DAPHNE
Go away.
Try again. Daphne, he's your father.
DAPHNE
So?
SANDOR
What?
DAPHNE
Nothing. (pause) There is something. About
Mother. How did she die?
SANDOR
It's no concern for a child.
DAPHNE
But I have to know what happened. She was
my mother.
SANDOR
And my wife, so leave it be. It's enough she's gone.
Do you have to keep reminding me?!
Whoa! Check them out!
EXTRA
Hello darlings!
DOORMAN
Haven't seen you girls here before.
We're new in town. I'm Bru-n-n-n-na! She's...
APHRODITE
Hilda?!
DOORMAN
You're twins.
APHRODITE and GABRIELLE
Ya-a-a-a-a-a!
APHRODITE
Identical.
DOORMAN
So how come you're taller than she is?
'Tis simple, I got the looks und...mine sister
got...m-m-m-m. M-m-m-m...
Muscles!
GABRIELLE
Das good, ya-a-a-a-a?! We wrestle in oil. You
have such things ya?
DOORMAN
Oh yeah.
GABRIELLE
Ya.
DOORMAN
Just step inside and save me a match, will ya?
GABRIELLE and APHRODITE
Mm-m-m-m-m-m.
Mommy, why did you leave me? Please, I need
you. I want to be with you.
Trust me little girl.
That can be arranged.
ACT THREE
I don't understand. Who are you?
GALANTIS
Nice try...Xena.
You sure picked one helluva place to hide.
DAPHNE
Xena-
It's all right Daphne. I'm here. I need you to relax.
Give me total control of your body.
DAPHNE
Okay.
GALANTIS
An old friend of yours wants to say hello.
If you're talking about Tharon, you can tell him
I'm as interested in what he has to say as I am
in darning socks.
GALANTIS
You can tell him personally when you're kneelin'
at his feet.
XENA
Turn around now and save yourself the humiliation.
GALANTIS
Oo-o-o-o-o-o! For some reason you don't scare
me kid.
XENA
Really? Maybe this'll help.
Next time, pick on someone your own size.
Take her down!
EXTRA
Yeah! Ride her like a Hydra! That-a-way!
Ooh! God! That's gotta hurt!
EXTRA
Oh. Yeah. Yeah.
APHRODITE
Ooh, there they are.
Oo-o-o-oh. Ah-h-h-h-h.
EXTRA
Come on. Oh, yeah. That's it.
GABRIELLE
It's hanging below his belt.
APHRODITE
Yeah I noticed.
GABRIELLE
The oil, Aphrodite.
APHRODITE
Right, I knew that.
CASTOR
Oo-o-o-oh. Oo-o-oh.
If you're lookin' to double your pleasure, you've
come to the right place. He's Pollux.
POLLUX
He's Castor.
And I am Bruna. And this is my sister, Hilda.
APHRODITE
Just in from Valholla.
(aside to Gabrielle) What'd he say?
GABRIELLE
(aside to Aphrodite) Just nod.
GABRIELLE and APHRODITE
Ya-a-a-a-a-a.
POLLUX and CASTOR
Ya, ya.
GABRIELLE
You speak our language with such ease.
CASTOR
My brother and I pride ourselves on being
cunning linguists.
POLLUX
Say...how 'bout we warm up with a little oil wrestling?
APHRODITE
You read our minds! Ya you bad boys. Time for
a spanking?
GABRIELLE
Ah, now Sister. We need to save some for the
imagination, ya.
CASTOR
Good point. Let us away ladies.
Wow! Did you see how high that guy went up in
the air? And the look on his face when I flipped
over him?
XENA
Don't have too much fun Daphne. Fighting should
always be a least resort.
DAPHNE
And hearing myself say all those things. I hope
I can stand up for myself like that someday.
XENA
Well, what makes you think you can't do it now?
DAPHNE
I just wish Father could have been there to see
it. He would have been so proud...even if it wasn't
really me.
XENA
I know it may be hard to see this Daphne but your
father loves you. And he is proud of you. He
just doesn't always know how to show it.
DAPHNE
Because he misses Mother?
XENA
Sure, that's a large part of it.
DAPHNE
I miss her too.
XENA
I know you do. And it may not seem fair but you're
gonna have to grow up a little faster than you thought.
It's just you and your dad now. You're gonna have
to learn to take care of each other.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aw-w-w-w-w-w, are you tellin' me the little girl
did this to ya?
GALANTIS
Ah-h-h-h!
THARON
Wha'd she do? Club you with her lollipop?
GALANTIS
She may look like a child but she has Xena's skill.
No wonder. You have the reflexes of a pregnant
tortoise. Now get up. That leather-clad bitch took
half my face. And if I do nothing else in this lifetime,
I'll make her scream in agony for it!
GALANTIS
I'll need more men.
THARON
No you won't! We'll take away Xena's advantage
by luring her to us.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dash more salt.
XENA (voice-over)
Where'd you learn to cook?
DAPHNE
My mom taught me.
My mother's a great cook but it never rubbed off
on me.
What about your dad?
XENA
What about him?
DAPHNE
What's he like?
XENA
He's dead.
DAPHNE
Do you miss him?
XENA
I never really knew him. He wasn't a very good
man from all the stories I've heard but I guess I,
um...I guess I miss the idea of him.
DAPHNE
That makes us kind of the same Xena. We both
had bad luck.
XENA
Well I've never thought about it that way. I guess
I always felt lucky to have my mother, just like you're
lucky to have your father. And he is very lucky to
have you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now the main event! The grapple in the grease!
The toil in the oil! Lude-mania! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
APHRODITE
I feel like I've been basted!
GABRIELLE
We get the oil and we get out of here.
CASTOR
Ready to get slippery ladies?
POLLUX and CASTOR
Yah!
Will you cut it out?!
APHRODITE
Sorry! Ooh, ja-a-a-a-a. Guten tag!
Come on!
Oh, I think I'm in love.
ANNOUNCER
Your winners are, Bruna and Hilda!
APHRODITE
Yay!
Hey, you're not twins!
We're not?! You lied to me?!
Hey, what happened to your accents?!
GABRIELLE
It--it--it comes and goes.
ANNOUNCER
What's going on here?!
All right. It's a shameless exploitation of the female
form. That's what. You should all be ashamed.
CASTOR
Huh?
CASTOR
Hey! She stole my oil!
That's our cue!
Hey, nice cast.
DAPHNE
Thanks. I've seen my dad do it a million times.
I've never tried it myself. I wanna surprise him
with dinner.
What's the matter? Daphne?
DAPHNE
I remember what happened. This place...I fell in.
Daphne! Get away from the water!
Never, never come to these rocks again by yourself.
Do you hear me?!
DAPHNE
I fell in and Mom dove in after me. She drowned
and it's my fault. It's my fault she died! It's my fault!
It's my fault!
Daphne! Daphne!
Hey! So you're a fisherman, huh?! Well I hope
you won't mind if we use you as bait.
ACT FOUR
Daphne listen to me. You couldn't be more wrong.
Your mother's death is not your fault. Listen to me,
please. What happened to her is a terrible, terrible
thing but even if she'd known she was going to
die, she would have done it anyway because she
loved you that much. Do you see?
DAPHNE
How do you know?!
XENA (voice-over)
Hey, I'm about to be a mother too. And if you were
my little girl I would trade my life for yours in a heartbeat.
DAPHNE
I wish my dad felt that way.
Daphne?!
Daphne, are you okay?
DAPHNE
Yeah, I'll be okay.
GABRIELLE
I have to talk to Xena.
I'm here Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
We've been looking for you. We found this at
Daphne's house.
Tharon wants you to give yourself up in exchange
for Daphne's father. We have to get you back in
your body.
XENA
There's no time. They're gonna kill him by sunset.
GABRIELLE
I know Xena but we have to get you back in your
body by then, or we may never.
XENA
Then we'll have to split up. Aphrodite, go get my
body. Meet us at the castle as soon as you can.
APHRODITE
No problem.
I've got a feeling this one's gonna be close.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's this about? Who are you people?
THARON
You're in no position to ask questions. But since
I see no reason not to tell you, we want your daughter.
SANDOR
My daughter.
THARON
Hm-m-m-m Let's just say she's not who she
appears to be.
SANDOR
I don't know what you think she's done but if you
so much as touch her I swear, I'll kill you!
Shut up! Now I understand how you feel. Therefore,
I won't ridicule your pathetic threats!
If it makes you feel any better, this isn't personal.
You and your daughter will be casualties in a war
that began long ago.
Hello! My little girl is selling junior Amazon cookies.
DAPHNE
Would you like to try a free sample?
GUARD
Don't mind if I do little girl.
I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. Tell
me where to find Galantis or you'll be dead in
thirty seconds. Am I making myself clear?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne! Get out of here!
XENA
Not without you.
SANDOR
Who are these men? Why are they after you?
They think I'm somebody else.
SANDOR
Where'd you learn to do that?
XENA
Uh, from a friend.
Thank the gods you're safe. If anything ever
happened to you I'd never forgive myself.
XENA (voice-over)
Daphne I'm going to let you take over now.
You and your father have got a few things to talk
about. Go on. You can do it.
SANDOR
Are you all right?
DAPHNE
I understand if you blame me for Mommy's death.
SANDOR
Oh, no sweetheart. That's why I wasn't by your
side when you woke up. I couldn't stand to face
you. If I'd just been with you that day I could have
saved you both.
DAPHNE
I've got this friend. And she told me we're lucky
to have each other, you and me...and I can see
now she's right. (hugs him) I don't blame you for
Mommy's death. Do you love me?
SANDOR
Of course I do. I'm so sorry you even have to ask.
But I promise, you will never have to again.
The coast is clear. Let's go.
Daphne! Daphne!
Come here!
THARON
Hook, line and sinker.
DAPHNE
Let go of me! Get off! Stop it! I said let go of me!
There they are! Let's get 'em!
You know how to use one of these?
SANDOR
Yeah, to gut a fish.
GABRIELLE
Think of 'em as really mean trout.
Ow!
Believe me, this is gonna hurt you a lot more than
it's gonna hurt me.
Ow-w-w-w-w-w!
That's gotta hurt. (to Xena) So finally after all these
years I get to pay you back for what you did to me.
I hate to break it to you, but you were never that
good-looking to begin with.
You owe me so big time. I hate manual labour.
Let's get this over with.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're...Xena.
XENA
Just barely.
DAPHNE
Dad this is the friend I was telling you about.
XENA
Go on.
Thank you for saving my daughter. She's the most
precious thing in all the world to me.
XENA
Sure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad says he's gonna teach me how to fish.
XENA
Yeah? Well you can teach him how to cook it, huh?
DAPHNE
I guess I could.
XENA
I think you and your dad are gonna be just fine.
You're the best friend I ever had.
XENA
I hope I have a kid just like ya.
DAPHNE
Will I ever see you again?
XENA
Of course you will. Just look in the mirror.
Daphne?
Well, I guess all's well that ends well.
GABRIELLE
Hmm.
APHRODITE
And if you guys don't need me for anything else,
I'm late for a facial.
It's good to have you back.
XENA
It's good to be back.
What are you doing?
XENA
Just checking that everything's where I left it.
GABRIELLE
Xena I took good care of you.
XENA
I know. Thank you.
GABRIELLE
What was it like, being young again?
Ow!
XENA
You know, some people think that it's easy being
a kid but in a lot of ways it's harder than being
an adult.
GABRIELLE
You should remember that when your child's
a teenager.
XENA
Ooh, don't say the 'T' word Gabrielle.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Rose McIver as Xena
Rose McIver as Daphne
Colin Moy as Galantis
Peter Feeney as Tharon
Stephen Finch as Sandor
Wade Taylor as Castor
Scott Taylor as Pollux
Justin Curry as Doorman
David Telford as Announcer
Allen O'Halloran as Guard
Written by: Gregg Ostrin
Directed by: Allison Liddi
Disclaimer: No Pie Tins were harmed during the making of Tharon's mask.
