Looking Death in the Eye
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
The usual?
JOXER
Mm-hmm.
RAMIUS
And sold! For thirty dinars!
INEBRIATED PATRON
Hey Ramius, what's the next item up for bid?
You can't be serious.
RAMIUS
Ah-h-h, but this isn't just any scroll.
No my friends, I have in my hand, the last known
scroll transcribed by the Bard of Poteidaia herself!
It describes, in breathtaking detail, the final
adventure of Xena-
-the legendary Warrior Princess, who dared to
defy the gods!
(whispers) Let's see.
This is Gabrielle's handwriting. This is real!
RAMIUS
Ah, sure it is!
JOXER
'Bard of Poteidaia.' You know, I--I knew her. You
know, she was a friend of mine.
Xena was my friend too.
INEBRIATED PATRON
Xena was my housemaid.
Well friend, we'd best cut you off. What say I start
the bidding at-
INEBRIATED PATRON
Ten dinars!
PATRON #2
Twenty dinars!
INEBRIATED PATRON
Twenty-five!
JOXER
Cover your tab!
INEBRIATED PATRON
You should talk, Joxer, ya deadbeat! Thirty!
PATRON #2
Thirty-five dinar!
JOXER
Sixty-five dinars! Sold!
Sixty-five dinars?!
Wait a minute! You spent my nest egg on one
lousy piece of parchment?
JOXER (voice-over)
Please Meg, it's Gabrielle's last scroll. Maybe it
explains what she and Xena were doing.
MEG (voice-over)
What do you care?! Xena and Gabrielle are gone!
When are you gonna accept that?
O--kay, that was a little too fast.
Is that a story about the harpies Daddy?
KARA
What is it? What is it?
JOXER
No it's, uh, it's, um, well, it's a story about a beautiful
Warrior Princess. Wanna hear a story about a
beautiful Warrior Princess? Okay. Okay.
"Her, uh, her celebrations at Thebes, in Egypt,
were cut short because Xena the mighty Warrior
Princess fought both night and day for the life
of her newborn child as she continued to sing
the rage of her Olympian foes."
"Their ceaseless battles finally drove her to the Fates-
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-in search of answers."
XENA
I hope you don't mind. We were in the neighborhood.
LACHESIS
The Fates always welcome you here Xena. We're
pleasantly surprised.
XENA
Finding your kid topping the list of Olympus' Most
Wanted makes you do some pretty surprising
things. This is one of them.
CLOTHO
You wish us to speak for your child. Your child Xena-
ATROPOS
Will bring forth the twilight and usher in a new beginning.
XENA
Yes, I heard. I was hoping you could humour me
with a date.
CLOTHO
The Twilight will occur in time.
XENA
That's not very specific.
LACHESIS
The time depends on you Xena.
What do you mean? It's me that determines when
the Twilight begins? How?
ATROPOS
You must die Xena.
CLOTHO
Only in the essence of death, will the child find
salvation and the Twilight be set in motion. Until
then a storm without end lies upon your path
and hers.
GABRIELLE
You're saying that, the sooner Xena dies, the
faster Eve brings about the fall of the gods?
(whispering) No.
Xena, let's go.
Hey, what are you doing? You're not listening to
them? Xena you have said we always determine
our own fate. It's not written for us. You've always
believed that.
XENA
I still believe that Gabrielle. So do they. It's the
only way. I have to die Gabrielle.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
(to Eve) Sh-h-h-h-h-h-h. Quiet now.
Uh! Uh!
The Helmet of Invisibility.
Hades.
You're not really a hat kind 'a guy.
Well, Athena, you can call off your search. We
found Hades for you.
Thank you Xena, but I think you know who we're
really here for. I have to give you credit Xena. You
three are hard ones to catch up to, for mortals.
XENA
That's the beauty of being insignificant.
ATHENA
Hand her over. I promise you, she won't feel a thing.
HADES
There's no escape this time Xena.
XENA
We'll see about that.
Xena! Toss Eve here!
XENA
No Gabrielle!
What's wrong Xena? No longer trust even Gabrielle
to protect your child?
Any ideas?
XENA
Yeah, let's give them their hat back. Go Gabrielle.
Let's go.
Camp ready in five minutes sir!
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"After narrowly escaping with our lives, we took
shelter for the night in the company of Octavius,
the new leader of the Roman army-
-and a new ally unknown to the gods."
OCTAVIUS
Can I get you two anything else?
XENA
No Octavius, thank you.
OCTAVIUS
You never have to thank me Xena. I owe my life
to you and Gabrielle.
All right. Come here.
Ow! Ow. What is that?
XENA
It's poison.
Only if you drink it. A little dab'll stop the spread
of infection.
GABRIELLE
Where did you get that?
XENA
Mom's medicine cabinet.
Hs-s-s-s-s-s-s! Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h.
GABRIELLE
Xena, what Athena said about, um, your not trusting
me with Eve-
XENA
Hey, it's not a matter of trust where Athena's
concerned. Giving Eve to you would have bought
her a few more seconds, but we both know they
would have killed her if they could have, regardless
of whose arms she was in.
We got lucky. She's just a baby.
Xena never dies. And why is that?
HEPHAESTUS
Just get her in my chains Athena, then we'll see
how long she lives.
ATHENA
Thank you Hephaestus. Your youthful exuberance
is greatly appreciated.
If you ask me Sis and you haven't...I can think of no
better expert to pose your query to than...Death herself.
Celesta, we're doing everything we can to ensure
our survival, but we can't finish the job until you
pay a visit to Xena and her child.
CELESTA
I'm sorry Athena, Ares and my beloved brother
Hades, but you know it's not in Death's nature
to discriminate.
ATHENA
Even when your own life is on the line?
CELESTA
As long as my flame continues to burn, Death
will remain a part of life for eternity Athena.
ATHENA
Meaning you might somehow be immune to
the prophecy.
If I didn't know better, I'd say Death's getting a
little cocky.
CELESTA
Prophecy or not, it is forbidden for any mortal to
be taken before their rightful time.
Celesta!
We know you can't help but care for the mortals
you interact with so personally, but just remember,
you can't deny them their rightful time, either.
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So if you're the god of arts and crafts-
-what do you do for a hobby?
HEPHAESTUS
Help my family kill your child by first killing you Xena.
XENA
No, that's a perversion-
-not a hobby.
HEPHAESTUS
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
How does it feel Xena? How does it feel to finally
be in the presence of Death herself?
XENA
What took you so long?
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Xena! His chains!
I'm sorry Celesta. I'm gonna have to ask you to stay.
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
The chains of Hephaestus hold even the gods.
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-
h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
That was close.
CELESTA
Xena, what are you doing?
XENA
Check her hands.
It worked. She can't touch us.
XENA
Good.
CELESTA
Your confrontation with Hephaestus, that's exactly
what you wanted, how you lured me to you.
XENA
Believe me lady, if there was a better way for us
to hook up, I'd have done it.
CELESTA
Xena how could you?
XENA
Gabrielle get her outta here.
Celesta's secured.
XENA
Good.
Hey sweetheart.
Octavius thanks for babysitting.
OCTAVIUS
Anytime.
XENA
You're a good friend.
We'll be seeing ya. (to horses) Come on.
First, there was Eli. The masses adored him
and the message he conveyed. You killed him.
ARES
Again with the Eli. He had to die, Sis. How many
times do I have-
His death sparked the uprising against us that
Xena, capitalized on at Amphipolis, where you,
chose to fight at her side I might add.
What's left to come?
Athena, Xena took Celesta.
ARES
Well, I guess you got your answer.
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(sings) Hush now, my little one
Please don't you cry.
One day you'll have your own horse.
CELESTA
Xena you should know that my brother, and Athena
and all Olympus will stop at nothing to find me.
XENA
Then they'd better hurry up, 'cause if I'm not
mistaken Celesta, when this candle burns
out...you die. Imagine that, the death of Death
herself...and me and my kid will live forever.
CELESTA
Xena this isn't like you. Or you Gabrielle. At one
time you both fought to free me.
XENA
You're right. Somehow motherhood has made
me harder.
CELESTA
Even giving birth to a child isn't enough to sway
someone so grounded in their beliefs.
XENA
And how's that?
CELESTA
By holding me here, you're condemning to eternal
suffering those who would otherwise find their peace.
XENA
Lady since we last met I've decided you cause
a lot more suffering than you end.
CELESTA
Death is nothing to fear Xena, for I only visit those
whose rightful time i-
XENA
Rightful time?! Who decides when it's the rightful
time? You are at the beck and call of every warlord
and murderer. Solan, my only son...his rightful
time came when someone else decided it should,
and you came running, no questions asked. You
didn't end the suffering of my little boy Celesta.
You stole his life, and Marcus, and Lyceus.
CELESTA
Your brother.
GABRIELLE
Xena-
XENA
Lyceus. Lyceus. He wasn't just a brother he was
my best friend. You know, growing up, he was
everything to me. He accepted me for who and
what I was. And if you hadn't taken him, he would
have grown up to be something-
GABRIELLE
Xena, don't do this.
(whispering) What?
GABRIELLE
She's immortal. She'll never understand the pain
of losing someone.
XENA
Yes she will. Yes she will...'cause you have a
brother too.
CELESTA
Yes, Hades. He's my only family, the first to accept
me for who and what I am. I may not agree with
his recent actions Xena but I believe he thinks
he's doing what is right. He's always been true
to his convictions and, sometimes that makes
him a little, stubborn, but I believe it is his noblest
quality. To lose him, is, unthinkable.
XENA
And what if he lost you? What would he say about that?
CELESTA
I may never know.
Death can end suffering Celesta. Suffering just
begins for those left behind. I won't allow it any longer.
I can't lose what's left of my family-
-and I won't lose another child.
You know she's right about one thing Xena; the gods
will stop at nothing. Holding Celesta prevents them
from killing anyone but they'll inflict pain, suffering.
XENA
Starting with the one most vulnerable.
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Bartender! Another one!
Hey! Gabby! Hi! Hey listen they have the best ale
in this place. I mean it's like bubbly and-
No, we've got to-
JOXER
-all kind of-
Joxer I presume.
JOXER
Yeah, yeah that's, uh spelled with an 'X.'
The 'X' is for uh, "Extra super sexy."
GABRIELLE
Joxer, these people-
JOXER
Not now.
Athena thanks you for being Xena and Gabrielle's
most high-profile acquaintance.
JOXER
Oh, well, uh, I'm very high-profile all around town.
'Mr. Get-around town,' they call me actually, in
certain circles.
Oh, hello girls.
GABRIELLE
Let him go.
ACT THREE
So, looks like Xena couldn't leave death in your
hands either.
GABRIELLE
Look, the baby can't do anything-
Ah-ah-h! Ow-w-w.
HADES
Where, is my sister?
ATHENA
Hades, Gabrielle is no use to us dead.
You can't kill the child until Celesta's free, and
given our time constraint, diplomacy is the best
way of accomplishing that. But then again.
Where is she?
JOXER
Don't tell her anything Gabrielle. Anything
Goldy-pants here can dish out I can take.
Okay, tell her. Tell her.
GABRIELLE
She's headed to the ocean.
JOXER
Mm-hmm.
Details to follow I'm sure.
Joxer!
JOXER
Gabby?
Athena, we were just going on a joy ride to
celebrate being immortal.
Oh Celesta, well, it's too late for her I'm afraid.
ATHENA
I hope that's not true Xena, for Gabrielle's sake.
XENA
What have you done with her?
Xena, I'm sorry I had no choice.
ATHENA
It's very simple Xena: Gabrielle for Celesta.
GABRIELLE
Let the candle burn Xena.
ATHENA
Do that Xena, and your little girl will still be hunted,
for eternity. She may never know death but I
promise you, she will never know peace.
XENA
All right.
GABRIELLE
No Xena.
XENA
Gabrielle, come on. It's all right.
GABRIELLE
(whispering) All right.
I'll be needing you Celesta.
CELESTA
My presence is required elsewhere Athena.
Come on, give us a head start. I don't think that's
too much to ask, do you Sis?
ATHENA
I think it is.
(to archers) You know what to do. Let them clear
the forest first, then drive them to us.
The ocean. Xena's headed towards the ocean.
Yah!
What?!
ARES
It's time to 'fess up Xena. They're relentless.
They're gonna keep coming and coming and I
think you know it. So what you need is you need
me and you need me now. I'm the only one that
can make this go away.
XENA
Yah! Why are you always asking for something
you are never going to get?! Get off! Yah!
ARES
Oh, gee, I guess this is my exit.
Yah!
All right Gabrielle, we're on!
What happened Daddy?
JOXER
Uh-h-h-h-h, well it's the end of the scroll, Pumpkin,
but it's not the end of the story.
THEON
How do you know?
JOXER
'Cause I was there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on!
Gabrielle!
Whoa!
Gabrielle! Ah-h-h-h!
Uh!
ATHENA
It ends now.
XENA
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle?
Eve? Eve?!
Eve?
(whispering) Eve.
Eve? Oh, oh. Oh!
The prophecy has been shattered.
XENA
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
JOXER
Oh, no.
Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Oh Gabrielle.
Oh gods.
Each to his own.
You to yours, and me to mine!
Ah-h-h-h-h!
No Xena. Don't.
XENA
Ares-
-you can't stop me this time.
ARES
No.
XENA
It's over. It's over.
Join your family. Tell them it's a package deal.
They get me too.
ACT FOUR
Unbelievable. Where are they? Joxer, good to
see you again. Where's Xena and Gabrielle?
JOXER
Octavius, they're gone. I saw the whole thing but
I was too far away. I couldn't help them.
OCTAVIUS
Joxer, they're not dead.
JOXER
(whispering) What?
What?!
Eve. It can't be. Eve?
Dad, how was Eve alive?
JOXER
Okay, okay. Remember back. What did the Fates
tell Xena?
KARA
That she had to die, to save Eve?
JOXER
That's right. But remember, you can't take what
the fates say literally. They said, "Only-
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Only in the essence of death, will the child find
salvation and the twilight be set in motion.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The essence of death."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The tears Joxer. Did you see her drink the tears?
JOXER
She drank poison Octavius.
But it wasn't poison.
JOXER (voice-over)
But it wasn't poison.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You see Xena never intended to kill death at all.
It was Celesta's tears she really needed.
The essence of Death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The only thing Xena realized that could simulate
the appearance of their deaths to the gods-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eve?
JOXER (voice-over)
-but only after convincing the gods that Eve had
also been killed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
But, Eve was in-
JOXER
Eve was in the wagon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eve was in that cart.
OCTAVIUS
No Joxer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know she's right about one thing Xena; the
gods will stop at nothing.
Holding Celesta prevents them from killing anyone
but they'll inflict pain, suffering.
Eve was safe. The tears were collected. Next,
release Celesta without it looking suspicious.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle got captured, on purpose. Trying to rescue
me made her capture look like it was unplanned.
ATHENA
Where is she?
JOXER
Okay, tell her! Tell her!
JOXER (voice-over)
Gabrielle revealed Xena's location.
GABRIELLE
She's headed to the ocean.
ATHENA
Details to follow I'm sure.
The rest of the plan played out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The gods assumed, Xena-
XENA
Yah!
JOXER (voice-over)
-and her child were inseparable.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle!
JOXER (voice-over)
My guess, my hope, was that Gabrielle drank
the tears first.
From that point all they had to do was put on a
convincing show.
To the gods-
XENA
Gabrielle.
JOXER (voice-over)
-Gabrielle was killed in the crash.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eve?
JOXER (voice-over)
Eve was dead-
-consumed in the burning wreckage.
XENA
No-o-o-o-o!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And even if they weren't completely convinced-
-what better way to solve that problem than by
Xena, taking her own life?
XENA
Tell them it's a package deal. They get me too.
The effect of the tears would soon wear off with
Xena, Eve and Gabrielle presumed dead by all
of Olympus, the perfect cover. The perfect advantage.
But one thing happened, they never could have predicted.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares took them away...just before you got here.
OCTAVIUS
Oh no.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're with her now. I handled you, all wrong. I know
that. She knew what you needed. Unconditional,
and unselfish love, and I couldn't give that to you.
But I appreciated you in ways she never could.
Your rage, your violence, your beauty. When you
sacrificed yourself for others you were hers, but
when you kicked ass, you were mine.
I love you Xena.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Meg
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Kevin Smith as Ares
Paris Jefferson as Athena
Stephen Lovatt as Hades
Theresa Healey as Celesta
Jason Hoyte as Hephaestus
Mark Warren as Octavius
Samantha Adriaanse as Clotho
Elizabeth Pendergrast as Atropos
Chloe Jordan as Lachesis
Michael Langley as Theon
Kate Smeda as Kara
Jed Brophy as Ramius
Bruce Burfield as Inebriated Patron
Bob Blackwell as Bartender
Alister Babbage as Patron #2
Rachel Gilchrist as Lead Archer
Written by: Carl Ellsworth
Directed by: Garth Maxwell
Disclaimer: Death almost died during the production of this motion picture.
