Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire
'X' marks the spot boys. The treasure should be
under these pillars. Where are you my golden one?
Ah-h-h-h-h-h.
At long last...the quest is finally over. The lyre's mine.
EXTRA
Yeah boss.
Correction...since you found it on Amazon
territory...I'd say it belongs to us.
DRACO
Rah-h-h-h.
Rah!
DRACO
Here.
Psych!
No! No, no, no! Look, look, I'll tell you what. If you
want the lyre so badly, you can pry it...from my
dead fingers.
AMORIA
With pleasure.
Well kids, if you can't play nicely with your toy, I'm
gonna have to take it from ya.
EXTRA
What?
DRACO
Xena.
GABRIELLE
What's the lyre doing here?
XENA
Oh, there's more than one of them. They're hidden
all over the world. It's Terpsichore's way of spreading music.
Hi Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Draco-o.
JOXER
What's wrong with him?
GABRIELLE
Baby Bliss put a spell on him.
JOXER
Creepy.
DRACO
Aw, how can you say it's a spell when I would gladly
tear out my own spleen and carve your initials
on the side of it just to prove my undying love for you?
GABRIELLE
I'm flattered.
AMORIA
Check it out sisters. 'Draco the Lionhearted' is
really 'Draco the Dandelion.'
You want a war Amazon? You've got one.
XENA
War!
GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is it good for?
XENA
(singing) Absolutely-
JOXER
(singing) Nothin'!
XENA
(singing) Uh-huh, yeah. War!
GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is it good for?
XENA
(singing) Absolutely-
JOXER
(singing) Nothin'!
XENA
(singing) Listen to me now.
War is a thing that I despise
'Cause it means destruction of innocent lives.
War means tears in thousands of mothers' eyes
When their young ones fight, lose their lives.
War! (speaks) Good Gods, y'all.
XENA, GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is good for?
XENA
(singing) Absolutely-
JOXER and AMORIA
(singing) Nothin'!
XENA
(singing) Say it again, yeah.
XENA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!
XENA, GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is it good for?
XENA
(singing) Absolutely-
(singing) Nothin'!
XENA
(sings) War!
GABRIELLE
(singing) It ain't nothin' but a heartbreaker!
XENA
(singing) War!
JOXER
(singing) Friend only to the undertaker!
AMORIA
(singing) War is the enemy of all mankind.
The thought of war just blows my mind.
War handed down from generation to generation
Induction and destruction, who wants to die?!
XENA and AMORIA
(singing) War!
XENA, GABRIELLE, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) What is it good for?
XENA
(singing) Absolutely nothin'!
Say it again, yeah.
XENA, GABRIELLE, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!
What is it good for?
XENA
(singing) Nothin'! Say it again!
JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!
DRACO
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!
XENA, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) What is it good for?
(singing) Nothin'!
XENA
(singing) Say it again!
XENA, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!
GABRIELLE, JOXER AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) What is it good for?
DRACO
Absolutely nothing.
Okay, since we're not gonna battle it out, how
are we gonna decide who gets the lyre?
XENA
Oh, there's gonna be a battle, all right.
Battle of the bands.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
All right, listen up.
(singing) Playing music's the way
For a muse to inspire.
And the best-sounding band
Will win Terpsichore's lyre.
(singing) If the people don't mind
There's a contest for peace.
And we'll do it right here
BARKEEP
(singing) In Melodia, music capital of Greece.
(singing) Hi Vargus.
TOWNSPERSON #1
(singing) Hi Spiro.
What's the hurry? Why the scurry?
Where's the fire? Why the lyre?
BARKEEP
(singing) Did you hear? There's a concert in town!
TOWNSPERSON #2
(singing) Hi Cory.
TOWNSPERSON #3
(singing) Hi Sarah.
News I'm bringing. Time for singing.
Can you hum? Get your drum.
TOWNSPERSON #2
Oh, my gosh, there's a concert in town.
EXTRAS
(singing) Is there really a jam?
BARKEEP
Yeah!
EXTRAS
(singing) Can we participate?
BARKEEP
Sure!
EXTRAS
(singing) Should we go there right now?
BARKEEP
Why not?
EXTRAS
(singing) Or is it too late?
BARKEEP
No!
EXTRAS
(singing) Yeah, there's really a jam
For you and the rest.
So take your sitars.
And give it your best.
ALABARDUS
(singing) Hello Farmer Paxon, I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you?
FARMER PAXON
(singing) Is there really a jam?
ALABARDUS
(singing) Yes, there is.
FARMER PAXON
(singing) I've got talent to spare.
ALABARDUS
(singing) That's why I asked.
FARMER PAXON
(singing) Just take over my stand.
ALABARDUS
(singing) But I thought-
FARMER PAXON
(singing) And get out of my hair!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) You know it man!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) It's crazy man!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) You know it!
LEADER
(singing) Hit your note...in your key.
BIG MAN
(singing) That's too high.
SMALL GUY
(singing) Not for me.
ALABARDUS
(singing) Hello, Miss Leandra, I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you?
(singing) Got no talent. I got money.
I just need to bribe the judges.
AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Oh they think they're so cool.
DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) We've got talent.
AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Playing music's a gas.
DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) We've got music.
AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) When they get onstage.
DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) We got singing.
AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) They'll fall down on their-
(singing) Hello kind barbarians, I am Alabartus.
Please just let me sing with you.
GABRIELLE
(singing) But you've got it all wrong.
EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
GABRIELLE
(singing) There's no talent to find.
EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
GABRIELLE
(singing) If this concert's too big.
EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
GABRIELLE
(singing) I'll go out of my mind.
EXTRAS
(singing) Then you gotta sing, really gotta sing!
(singing) When the music plays,
When my hips a'sway.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
(singing) Is there really a jam?
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa man!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Can we participate?
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa man!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Should we go there right now?
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa man!
EXTRAS
(singing) Or is it too late?
| MALE EXTRAS | FEMALE EXTRAS |
| (singing) Gettin' ready! | (singing) Come on let's rock! |
| Gettin' ready! | |
| Gettin' ready, ready to rock! | Let's roll. |
| Gettin' ready! | Come on let's rock! |
| Gettin' ready! | |
| Gettin' ready, ready to rock! | Let's roll. |
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Yes, there's really a jam.
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa, yeah!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) For you and the rest.
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa, yeah!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) So take your sitars.
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa, yeah!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) And give it your best.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) Gettin' ready!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!
MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready! Ready to-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) Gettin' ready!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
EXTRAS
(singing) -h-h-h-h-h-h-h.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sixteen frames. Left to right: Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Sex Symbol Guy in front of a mirror. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Draco. Villagers dancing.
(singing) Yeah!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm figuring this'll be a great place for a stage.
Xena, the word is out. The bands are coming
from everywhere.
JOXER
Wow.
XENA
I guess the contest is gonna be bigger than
we thought.
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
XENA
Well everybody deserves a chance. Gabrielle
why don't you just audition each band as it comes
in and make a first cut. Good girl.
Joxer get together some villagers. See if you can
build a stage. I'm figuring here.
JOXER
Okay.
Yeah.
Xena!
Mom!
Ah-h-h!
So, it's true! And when were you going to tell me?
XENA
Amphipolis was my very next stop.
CYRENE
Well you look positively radiant. When are we
gonna meet your special someone?
EXTRA
Let me help you.
XENA
If you mean the father, the answer's never. He's
not in my life.
CYRENE
But Xena, every child needs a father!
XENA
You raised me on your own.
CYRENE
A test that would have been much easier with help.
XENA
I have help Mom.
EXTRA
Let me guess.
CYRENE
You have now.
The place is rocking! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! A-o-o-o-o-oh! Yeah!
EXTRA
Ye-eah! Play it man! Whoo!
A-o-o-o-o-oh! Yeah!
Oh Gabrielle, sign them up.
GABRIELLE
Kill me, please.
JOXER
Aw, come on. They can't all be...mediocre.
GABRIELLE
No, they all suck. Sadly everyone in the music
capital of Greece is tone deaf.
Maybe not everyone. Come on.
Everyone! Why don't you all throw up your hands
and fe-e-e-e-e-el the rhythm?!
XENA
Another one?
JOXER
That's my brother Jace.
JACE
Uh! (singing) We get it on most every night.
And when that moon gets big and bright
It's a supernatural delight.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
(singing) Everybody here is out of sight.
They don't bark and they don't bite.
They keep it loose. They keep it light.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight.
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
JACE
(singing) We like our fun but never fight.
You can't dance and stay uptight.
It's a supernatural delight.
(singing) Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight.
(singing) Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
JACE
That's right!
GABRIELLE
Come on!
Bella! Mi amigo! Bella!
EXTRA
Come on, get in line!
JACE
Ha-hah-h-h-h-h! You think that was something?
This is how we dance before breakfast where I
come from! Repeat after me. Ole, ole!
EXTRAS
Ole, ole!
JACE
Ole, ole!
EXTRAS
Ole, ole!
Ole, ola-o!
EXTRAS
Ole, ola-o!
JACE
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.
EXTRAS
(sings) Oooh, oooh.
JACE
(singing) It's such a fine and natural sight.
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
EXTRAS
Bailondo! Bailondo!
JACE
Bailondo!
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.
EXTRAS
(singing) O-o-oh, o-o-oh.
JACE
(singing) It's such a fine and natural sight.
Everybody. Dancing.
Bailondo!
Hey-ho!
Huh?
You fall off the circus wagon boy? We don't like
your kind around here freak.
GABRIELLE
Draco!
(to Xena) Let's take him.
DRACO
But Gabrielle, I am just trying to keep you from
being infected by--by this lily-livered panty-twist!
XENA
You harm so much as a hair on Jace's head...I'll
scalp you.
Good luck in the contest.
Xena and Gabrielle leave. Jace looks at Draco and then does a small dance. His dancers join him, as they slap their hips and hold out their hands.
MALE EXTRAS
Huh!
ACT TWO
A little more! A little more!
Oh!
AMORIA
Need a hand killer?
JOXER
Where? Oh, m--me? Um, yeah. I am a killer. In
fact, I can kill a person with a cold stare. But, uh,
you know, inside I'm--I'm delicate as a--a daisy.
I'm--I'm...inside.
AMORIA
Mm-hm-m-m-m, don't try so hard Joxer. Didn't
anyone ever tell you the quickest way to win a
woman's heart...is by making her laugh?
JOXER
Oh, well in that case, I'm the sexiest man in the world.
There you are! Joxer!
JOXER
Damn.
JACE
Ha-ha-ha!
JOXER
Who's that guy? Why don't you wait here? I'll be
back in a moment.
You crazy fellow, you. Give your big brother a hug.
JOXER
No. Jace, no!
Ahh! Play the game.
JOXER
No.
JACE
Play the game!
JOXER
No Jace, not now.
Where is he? I don't see my little brother! Where
is he?
There he is! Where have you been? I was starting
to think I was an only child.
JOXER
Look Jace, I'm a grown-u, now. I'm not your little
baby brother. And I'm a warrior with a reputation
to protect. I follow my sword.
JACE
Well I--I follow the music, wherever it takes me.
I thought you'd be happy it took me to you.
JOXER
Yeah, made my day. Now quit talkin' like that.
JACE
Like what?
JOXER
Like...I don't know, that stupid accent of yours,
like you're from Spain or somethin'. You're from
Olympic Street in Athens, two blocks from Akhmar
the meat man just like me.
JACE
Well not just like you. I don't have a pasta strainer
for a shirt.
JOXER
Just stay away from me...Bro.
My own brother, insulting me. Can you believe
it? Ie!
As a matter of fact, I can.
EXTRA
I'll have another one.
XENA
Joxer likes to think that he knows who he is, but
all he really knows is who he wants to be.
JACE
That's right.
And who would not want to be just like me?
Oh, Xena. Xena. Uh, meet Phillipis. Uh, he's a
healer. Uh, tell Xena about all the exciting things
you've been doing with leeches.
XENA
Oh...well, that's great, because I could sure use
a doctor about now.
Oh.
XENA
Could you give me and Mom just a moment?
EXTRA
Uh-huh.
Thanks.
All right, I'm telling you for the last time politely,
I do not need help finding a man!
CYRENE
No? But finding the right man, now that's a different story.
XENA
I'm beginning to remember why I left home so young.
Joxer.
Ow! What?!
GABRIELLE
What is your problem? Why were you so rude
to your brother?
JOXER
Look Gabrielle, you don't understand. Things
are different. We're not kids anymore. I'm a warrior
now and Jace is still...Jace.
GABRIELLE
So you're telling me that you're so heartless
towards him because he's...
JOXER
Different? Different and he is...
GABRIELLE
Yes?
JOXER
He's wasting his life. He is wasting his life. That's
it. I am a warrior and he's-
GABRIELLE
Your brother? No matter what else he is he will
always be that.
Hey Joxer. My band's rehearsing our moves. You
wanna watch handsome?
JOXER
Ha-ha-ha. Do birds fly? Do bees buzz? Do I take
a bath once a month whether I need it or not?
You bet. (to Gabrielle) Hold that.
Oh! Ah!
JOXER
Let's go.
Oo-o-o-oh.
JOXER
You're not on the back burner now. You're smokin'.
Xena right?
XENA
Who wants to know?
MAXIMINIUM
I saw your ad. "Single Greek female seeks marriage
with stable provider to raise a child and to dote
on an exceptionally wonderful mother who doesn't
look a day over twenty."
XENA
Gee, I wonder who wrote that?
MAXIMINIUM
It wasn't you?
XENA
No, I am not in the market for a husband.
MAXIMINIUM
Yeah, sure. I understand. How 'bout a little casual sex?
Five, six, seven, eight and step and kick and
twist and punch.
No ladies! It's step, kick, twist, punch. Not step,
kick, punch, twist. Again. Slowly.
Step, kick, twist...punch.
Why do I care? It is Joxer.
EXTRA
I appreciate anything.
Ain't love grand?
GABRIELLE
Draco, I 'm busy.
I've come to talk to you about our future. Now I'm
a changed man. My warlord days are well behind
me and when I win that lyre I will prove it to you
in song.
GABRIELLE
I'm the reason you want-
DRACO
The lyre?
Of course, it is! When I win that melodious instrument
I will serenade you for all eternity.
GABRIELLE
That's very sweet...in a completely deranged, obsessed
kind of way. Draco, you do not love me. You're
under a spell.
DRACO
Ah. Call it what you will, my love. Just as long as
you marry me. We could have a wedding in
spring and a honeymoon in Crete.
GABRIELLE
The answer is no.
Your lips say, "No," but your eyes scream, "Yes."
GABRIELLE
Don't make me say it in a way you won't like.
DRACO
I will never give up on us Gabrielle. You may
kiss me.
Don't even think about it.
Oh! Uh!
Let me get this through your thick skull. I would
not marry you if you were the last man on Earth.
She wants me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) I walk along these city streets you used to walk along with me.
And every step I take
Recalls how much in love we used to be.
Oh, how can I forget you?
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
Always something there to remind me!
(singing) I was born to love you,
(singing) And I will never be free,
You'll always be a part of me.
(singing) When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe
Where we danced night.
And I can't help recalling
How it felt to kiss and hold you tight.
Oh, how can I forget you?
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
Always something there to remind me!
(singing) I was born to love you,
And I will never be free.
(singing) You'll always be a part of me!
Gabrielle!
(singing) If you should find you miss
The sweet and tender love we used to share,
Just look around to the places where we used to go.
And I'll be there.
Oh, how can I forget you?
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
When there is always something there to remind me!
Always something there to remind me!
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
Always! Something! Always! Something!
If I can't have you Gabrielle, no one will!
ACT THREE
Yes, that's the groove, right there. I like this groove.
Yes, this does it for me. Oh, very much, very good.
Mm-m yes, I like this one. Turn around, that's it.
Back, back, step, step.
What are you smilin' at?
AMORIA
Your brother.
JOXER
Oh. Uh, yeah. I'm really sorry about that.
JACE
Oh, I'm so sexy right now!
AMORIA
What are you apologizing for? Look at him. He's
amazing! He's so uninhibited.
Ow!
AMORIA
Now that is a true sign of a secure man.
JACE
Ie! Ie my-
JOXER
Oh--oh, yeah--yeah. I'm just sorry he's not dancing
more. You know-
AMORIA
Hm-m. So...think you could get him to teach me
some of those moves?
JOXER
Oh, yeah, any-anything for you. You know, um,
uninhibitedness runs in my family.
AMORIA
Joxer.
JACE
Scary!
JOXER
Yeah?
AMORIA
You're trying too hard again.
JOXER
Right. I'll go get Jace.
JACE
Oh, sexy!
AMORIA
Come on girls.
JACE
Sexy.
Hi.
Xena I, um, I wanna ask you something.
XENA
Well make it snappy. I've got a lot of single Greek
losers to turn down.
GABRIELLE
What do you think about Amoria for Joxer?
XENA
Works for me.
GABRIELLE
Are you crazy?!
EXTRA
Right away.
XENA
Why did you ask me if you already have an answer?
GABRIELLE
Because she's so wrong for him! He should be
with someone that's like--like...
XENA
You?
JACE
Back! Back!
GABRIELLE
Come on Xena.
XENA
Well hey, if you're not gonna take him, it's not fair
of you to stop someone else from tryin'?
EXTRA
Thank you.
Jace, how are ya Bro?
Listen, I know whatcha thinkin', I've been acting
crummy to ya and I probably shouldn't 'a said
what I said.
JACE
Really?
JOXER
Look you're a grown man. You wanna...dress
like a clown and...act like a spaz, that is none of
my business.
JACE
Joxer, back in the old country-
JOXER
Jace, you're not from the old country and you're
not from Spain and I doubt very much if you've
ever even had a plate of paella.
JACE
I am your older brother by half an hour...and I
see that is going to make all the difference in
the world.
I 'cept your apology...because I know it is as good
as I'm ever gonna get from you...because you
obviously don't know any better.
Adios.
All right, come on. The concert's starting soon.
Um, Xena right?
She left town...just missed her.
YOUNG MAN
Before you say no, hear me out. I may not look
like much, but in a few years, when my face clears
up, I'll grow up to be the kind of man your child
will be proud to call Dad.
EXTRA
I need a little bit more.
XENA
You know what kid? That is the nicest offer I've
had all day.
EXTRA
You have to help me.
XENA
You shouldn't be in so much of a hurry to grow up.
EXTRA
Let's go.
XENA
(to herself) Mother.
EXTRA
See.
Hm-m-m-m-m-m. Mm-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m.
Oh-h!
XENA
I'm going to kill you.
CYRENE
All I want is for you to have a family Xena.
I have a family. I've got Gabrielle, I've got Joxer
and as much as it pains me to say it, I've got you.
This child's life will be filled with more than
enough love.
CYRENE
Still, it doesn't replace a father.
XENA
Oh, for crying out loud, what century are you
living in?!
(singing) Now there was a time
When they used to say
That behind every-
XENA and AMORIA
(singing) Great man
XENA
(singing) There had to be a-
XENA and AMORIA
(singing) Great woman.
(singing) But in these times of change, you know?
It's no longer true
So we're comin' out of the kitchen
(singing) Cause there's somethin' we forgot to say to you, yeah.
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
AMORIA
Girl isn't that true?
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Standin' on their own two feet
Ringin' on their own bells.
AMORIA
(singing) Ringing bell!
XENA
(singing) Now this is a song
AMORIA
Sing Xena!
XENA
(singing) To celebrate
FEMALE EXTRAS
(sings) Yeah!
XENA
(singing) The conscious liberation of the female state.
AMORIA
(singing) Oh, I'm talkin' 'bout a state of mind.
Mothers and daughters and their...daughters, too.
Woman to woman, we're singin' with you. Oh, yeah.
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
EXTRA
Yeah Xena!
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
(singing) Oh, we ain't makin' stories
And we ain't layin' plans.
AMORIA
(singing) 'Cause a man still loves a woman,
And a woman still loves a man.
XENA
They're just right!
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
AMORIA
(singing) Oh, ringin' on my bells now, yeah.
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
AMORIA
(singing) Ah, ringin' on my bells.
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Standin' on their own two feet.
XENA
(singing) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h,
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) And ringin' on their own bells.
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
XENA
(singing) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h,
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) And ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
XENA
(singing) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h,
XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Ringin' on their own bells.
XENA and AMORIA
Sisters are doin it for themselves.
I love it! I love it!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
EXTRA
Well.
You've always danced to the beat of your own
drum Xena. I suppose it would be foolish of me
to stop you now.
Thanks Mom.
CYRENE
Now who did you say the father was?
Yah-h-h-h-h!
HENCHMAN #1
Everything okay, boss?
DRACO
Does everything look okay? The woman I love,
my sweet, beautiful Gabrielle has spurned my
advances! No, no...not spurned...she ha...she
hates me!
HENCHMAN #1
Hey, don't let it getcha down. I mean there's plenty
other chicks in the sea.
DRACO
Rah-h-h-h-h!
Whoa.
DRACO
Gabrielle is not a chick. Her and I are
soulmates and as long as she's alive...I will never
be able to love again. Rah-h-h-h-h-h!
HENCHMAN #1
Ah...but what about the concert? I mean, um, me
and the boys are really lookin' forward to rockin' down.
DRACO
Oh, we'll perform, all right. In fact...we're gonna
slay 'em.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
EXTRA
Let's go for cryin' out loud!
EXTRA
Get on with the show!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We still need you to perform. Can you please just
warm up in the dressing room? Uh no, you need,
you need to put on your costume. Just go to the
left. It's on a rack. Could we please clear this area?!
What's going on? Come on, the crowd's going wild.
GABRIELLE
Xena, nobody wants to be the first band.
XENA
All right. You go out there and stall. I'll deal with
the bands.
All right! Come here!
Um, the concert's about to start.
EXTRAS
Yeah!
GABRIELLE
All right. I--I need to make an announcement.
There's some bad slouvaki going around, so
stay away from the slouvaki.
Hey! Hey! It's not that bad.
DRACO
Gabrielle?
All right!
Draco uh, you're on.
This is your last chance Gabrielle. Marry me,
my love.
GABRIELLE
Draco no!
Have it your own way, but you're part of the act
now and for our grand finale you get to die.
ACT FOUR
Yeah, as if it's gonna start you know?! I mean...ho!
Right now, it's time to...
Right now, it's time to...
Right now, it's time to
Check out the jams, brothers and sisters. Come on!
DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
I gotta kick 'em out!
(singing) Well I feel pretty good
And I guess that I could
Get crazy now, baby.
'Cause we all gotta do
What the dressing room gone crazy, yeah
I know how you want it girl,
Hot, quick and tight
The girl can't stand when you're
Doin' it right.
So, le me up on the stand.
Let me kick out the jams.
Yeah! Kick out the jams.
DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) I gotta kick 'em out!
Come on!
DRACO
(singing) I'm starting to sweat,
You know my shirt's all wet
What a feelin'. Yeah
And the sound that abounds and
Resounds and rebounds off the ceiling.
What's up!?
You got to have a baby
You can't do without.
When you got that feelin'
You got to sock 'em out.
So put the mike in my hands.
Let me kick out the jams.
Yeah! Kick out the jams.
DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) I gotta kick 'em out.
DRACO
All right! All right! All Right! All right! All right!
GABRIELLE
Help me! I need something heavy! Anything, please!
EXTRA
How 'bout a rock?!
GABRIELLE
Rock! Yeah! Yeah, rock!
EXTRA
Here!
GABRIELLE
Come on!
EXTRA
Rock him with this!
Good-bye, my love.
Get her!
Gabrielle!
Wait for me, my love!
GABRIELLE
Xena! Xe-
DRACO
Come back!
Time to die Gabrielle.
Show's over, lover boy.
DRACO
Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
(rapping) The name's Draco!
Give me my props!
'Cause I'm the G when the musicstops!
XENA
(rapping) I'm the Baddest momma jamma
This side of Thrace.
Your expression's gonna change
When I'm in your face.
DRACO
(rapping) No, I'm the baddest rapper there is,
And you're the saddest there is
And that's the way it is.
XENA
(rapping) You're just a copycat.
That's where your head is at.
You chase the rhythm
From a place you was never at.
DRACO
(rapping) Ain't nobody told you that payback's a mother?!
XENA
(rapping) Heads up, my brother,
'Cause here comes another fight. Ha!
Yeah!
DRACO
(rapping) It's time to face the Funk
Blastin' atcha!
You better give it up 'cause you
Ain't gonna match my rhyme!
XENA
(rapping) Just like old times
When you be trippin' in your own stuff
Didn't know what up.
(rapping) I'm the number one Warlord
King of the horde.
And I'm out to collect my reward.
XENA
(rapping) Let's get it on 'cause I'm gettin' bored.
There, now. That's so much better.
I just love a man in uniform.
You all right?
JOXER
Ye...oh...what do you think?
GABRIELLE
Joxer she's a rocker chick. What d'you expect?
I have to admit I, uh, thought it was kind of strange
seeing you with her. It's only 'cause I'm so used
to your, you know, being around me and that
kind of thing.
JOXER
Mm-hm-m, like a puppy-dog.
GABRIELLE
That's not what I meant.
JOXER
Gabrielle you are sort of used to having me around
when you need me.
GABRIELLE
I know I take advantage of you Joxer, but I care
about you.
JOXER
Hm-m?
GABRIELLE
You mean a lot to me.
JOXER
'Kay. So what are you doin' tonight?
GABRIELLE
Not a chance in Tartarus.
JOXER
Right, because I have lots to do as it gets later.
GABRIELLE
Oh good.
EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena! Xena!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena! Xena!
JACE
Xena! Come quick! The crowd's going wild! They
want an encore!
XENA
I'd love to but I'm fresh out of asses to kick!
EXTRAS
Xena!
JACE
But you just won Terpsichore's lyre!
EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena!
JACE
But if you don't want it, I'll put it in my living room.
EXTRAS
Xena! Xena!
JACE
Maybe next to the bed or something.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
Now Terpsichore wanted this lyre to spread music
so I don't think that it's fair that only one person
should own it. And that's why I'm leaving it here,
in the musical capital of Greece, because Melodia,
you ro-o-o-o-ock!
(singing) All the world over so easy to see
People everywhere just wanna be free.
Listen, please listen, that's the way it should be.
Peace in the valley people got to be free! Oh, oh, yeah!
JACE
Mi amigo!
EXTRAS
(singing) Oh, oh, yeah.
JACE
Listen to me.
(singing) You should see what a lovely, lovely world this would be
If everyone learned to live together.
JOXER
Ah-ha-ah.
(singing) Seems to me such an easy, easy thing it should be
JOXER and JACE
(singing) Why can't you and me learn to love one another?
JOXER
Oh, yeah.
XENA, JACE, JOXER and EXTRAS
(singing) All the world over so easy to see
People everywhere just wanna be free.
Can't understand, it's so simple to me
People everywhere just got to be free.
Oh, oh, yeah! Oh, oh, yeah!
GABRIELLE
(singing) If there's a man who is down and needs a helping hand
All it takes is you to understand and to pull him through.
XENA
(singing) Uh-huh.
It seems to me we gotta solve it individually now, yeah, oh-oh.
I'll do unto you what you do to me.
JACE
You're a very good singer but you can't be in my show.
(singing) Shout it from the mountain, call out to the sea.
JACE
Out to the sea.
ALL
(singing) No two ways about it, people have to be free.
JACE
Got to be free.
ALL
(singing) Ask me my opinion, my opinion will be
Natural situation for a man to be free.
EXTRAS
Oh, oh, yeah.
JACE
Get right on board now.
EXTRAS
(singing) Oh, oh, yeah.
JACE
Huh! Ha!
ALL
(singing) Oh, what a feeling's just come over me.
XENA
Come over me.
ALL
(singing) Love can move a mountain, make a blind man see.
No two ways about it.
ALL
(singing) Everybody sing it now.
XENA
Come on.
ALL
(singing) Peace in the valley, now we ought to be free.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Gillian Iliana Waters as Amoria
Jay Laga'aia as Draco
Darien Takle as Cyrene
Jim Ngaata as Maximinimus
Geoff Dolan as Henchman #1
Ciaran Pennington as Young Man
Paul Norell as Falafel
Jeremy Birchall as Joxer/Jace Camera Double
Singers:
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Susan Wood as Gabrielle
Susan Calloway as Gabrielle
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Gillian Iliana Waters as Amoria
Jay Laga'aia as Draco
Tony Bishop as Alabardus
Bruce Hopkins as Barkeep
Grant Bridger as Farmer Paxon
Clint Sharplin as Townsperson #1
Christine Bartlett as Townsperson #2
Vanessa Kelly as Townsperson #3
Olaf John as Leader
Latham Gaines as Rich Guy
Geoff Knight as Big Man
Guy Ryan as Sex Symbol Guy
Stephen Butterworth as Small Guy
Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Mark Beesley
Disclaimer: No Lyres were strung out during the production of this motion picture.
