Old Ares Had a Farm
This transcript is dedicated to the memories of Kevin Smith and Charles Siebert.
Xena, I'm beginning to lose my appetite.
XENA
Well, let's give it a try. Sometimes, these places
have great food.
Won't be a sec.
Pardon me...didn't you used to ride with Ahab
the Lame?
ALLUS
Yeah...but I've moved on to better things.
You look like the self-improvement type. (to others)
And aren't those Attila's colors you're wearing?
Some company. And you...I could swear you're
Turkestan's boy. What is this? A scum-bag convention?
What brings you cutthroats together?
ALLUS
Huh! I don't have to tell you that.
XENA
Oh, but you do.
Get her!
All right. You got seconds to live, so spit it out.
ALLUS
The warlords of Greece, Macedonia, and Thrace,
have put a price on his head. We've united under
Gasgar the Terrible, to hunt him down and split
the bounty.
Ow! Oh!
XENA
All right, hunt down who?
ALLUS
The God of War, Ares. He's mortal and now the
warlords that he crossed when he was a god
are having their revenge.
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Ares, prepare to die!
Who are you?
XENA
Who are you?
SIKI
They call me "Battling Siki."
XENA
Nobody ever called you that. You just made that
up. But if you don't wanna be known as "Dead
Siki," you'll be movin' on.
SIKI
All right. But the gold is mine, Ares.
I've been gettin' a lot of that, lately. So...what brings
you here? Animal magnetism?
XENA
I'm here to save your butt. The word is out that
you're mortal, Ares. There's a price on your head
and every scum-bag in the world is lookin' to cash in.
GABRIELLE
Gasgar the Terrible, Lombar, the Howl Brothers, Mosher.
XENA
Attila.
GABRIELLE
The Beast of Turkestan.
ARES
It'll be great fighting by your side. We'll take no prisoners.
XENA
No, we're not here to participate in a blood bath.
We're here to offer you a new life.
ARES
You're a little ahead of me.
XENA
Ares, you're gonna spend the rest of your mortal
life a hunted man, unless you assume a new identity.
GABRIELLE
You need to go undercover as someone else.
ARES
Reinvent myself. Well, I'm not opposed to the idea.
I've given a lot of thought to how I'm gonna live
the rest of my mortal life, a-a-a-a king, a priest...if
the cult was sexy enough.
XENA
Ares, you've gotta do something that no one
would ever suspect of you.
ARES
Like what?
How are you at shovelin' sh[BEEP]it?
ACT ONE
Ares, what's wrong with being a farmer?
ARES
For a rube, nothing. But for the God of War-
XENA
Former God of War.
Xena, let's you and I go crazy on Gasgar and his
boys. I am talkin' about slaughter and mayhem.
XENA
Ares, do you really wanna fight every warrior who
wants to make a fortune?
ARES
Okay, it's getting to be a chore.
GABRIELLE
If we set you up as a farmer, you can come and
go as you please.
ARES
Really?!
No one would suspect the God of War would be
living on a country farm.
XENA
Gabrielle and I'll stay with you, just until you get
the swing of things.
ARES
Yeah, a plantation, some slaves, half a dozen
flute-playing girls.
XENA
Just what I was thinkin'.
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There it is, just as I remember it.
(to horses) And whoo.
XENA
The Elysian fields on Earth.
Come on, come on. Well...this is it.
ARES
What? The outhouse?
GABRIELLE
It's beautiful.
ARES
Hello!
XENA
Oo-oo-ooh!
ARES
We're looking at a hovel!
XENA
Look...here. I carved my initial in this pole. Here.
GABRIELLE
Let's see. Huh! It's still there.
My grandma used to sit in this chair. She'd rock
and she'd tell us stories of the Olympian gods.
ARES
Bet you never thought you'd grow up to kill most
of them, didya?
XENA
But wait...the best is yet to come.
GABRIELLE
Come on.
Xena, it's charming.
XENA
It even smells the way I remember it.
I don't wanna spoil your waltz down memory lane,
but Ares ain't living here. Now you can tell us all
about your pastoral childhood on the way back
to civilization.
XENA
Ares, it's a little run-down, but we can fix it.
ARES
When I was a god, I couldn't have fixed this place.
GABRIELLE
It's nothing that a little hard work can't put right.
See, now you're scaring me.
XENA
More than a band of cutthroats who are out for
your blood?
ARES
Do I hafta answer right away?
Gabrielle, come check out the stove.
So, I got the God of War down-
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-and I wouldn't listen to his pleas for mercy, and
then I-
-fsh! I cut his throat.
BARGIRL
What did he look like?
SIKI
You know? He wasn't as mean-looking as everyone
says, kind of a dark, handsome guy, dressed all
in black with a beard. And he had this gray vest-
You didn't kill anyone, you little pimple, but you
might've seen somethin'. That description of Ares
was pretty good.
SIKI
I--I did see him.
GASGAR
Where?
SIKI
Outside of Ipeiros. I followed them as far as the
Lackawan Valley. Then I lost my nerve.
GASGAR
What do you mean, "Them"? Does he have an
army with him?
SIKI
No, no. A couple of women.
(to Demetrius) Ares always did have a weakness
for the ladies. Probably lookin' for a place to shack
up with them. Pass the word. We're headed for
the Lackawan Valley.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares, hurry up-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-with those rags!
ARES
You know what? I, uh...I just can't seem to find
'em anywhere.
Well, that doesn't make sense. Come on, then.
We'll do somethin' else.
ARES
Aw! I was doing a thing!
Has anyone seen that saw I left out here?
ARES
Well, don't look at me. I try to touch tools of common
labour as little as possible.
XENA
Well, that's going to change. Come on.
Let's go.
Not the butt.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If that leaves a mark...
XENA
Don't turn around.
ARES
Don't you...
I know I left the saw on the railing.
All right, Ares, I want you to get up here on the
mantelpiece and nail those boards to the ceiling.
ARES
After you.
Ares...come on.
ARES
All right.
What did you want me to do with the rags?
XENA
I wanted you to stuff 'em in the holes in the outside
wall to stop the wind coming through.
ARES
I'd rather do that.
All right. What are you looking for?
ARES
Okay, I hid the rags. I thought you were gonna
get me to mop the floor or some other demeaning
job I'd rather die than do, but now, they're gone.
Ah-h-h.
GABRIELLE
This is strange. I left both my boots out here and
one of them's gone.
ARES
Okay, where's my wineskin?
XENA
Something is out there.
GREBA
Excuse me. Hello. My name is Greba. I'm your neighbor?
XENA
Oh, hi.
ARES
Hello.
I've just come from Ipeiros. There's an army moving
toward the valley, led by the warlord Gasgar.
GABRIELLE
Thanks for the warning.
That Gasgar, he's a bad one. You know what they
say his favourite sport is? It's to take a young,
beautiful, helpless maiden and despoil her of
her chastity again and again and again and again!
Oh, the beast.
Thanks, Greba.
GREBA
It makes me shudder, just thinking about it, being
a young widow on my own-
-without a man to take care of my wants and needs,
alone in my house, just...over the fence, just there.
Thank you, Greba.
ARES
Hey, uh...drop by again, when the news is better.
We'll have a glass of wine, swap tips on raising
root vegetables.
Well, goodbye.
All right, you two take care of the thief. I'm gonna
see to Gasgar.
Oh! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho, so you still get to be warrior!
Uh-huh. But believe me I would much rather stay
here and work on the house.
ARES
You know the sad thing? I believe you! Where's
my belt?!
Definitely take care of that one.
Gasgar? Xena's here.
GASGAR
Xena?
Gasgar...I've come to present you with a little gift.
GASGAR
What is it?
XENA
Ares' head on a platter.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
So...you want a piece of him, too. Figures. I've
heard about some of the things he's done to you
through the years. Let me ask you somethin' - when
you were slaughtering gods up on Olympus-
XENA
Mm-hm-m?
GASGAR
-why didn't you just take him out then?
XENA
The coward ran, I didn't get the chance.
GASGAR
Hm-m. Well...he's mortal now. So any of us can
kill him. We don't need you...Xena. And we sure
don't need to split the bounty any more ways.
XENA
I'm not in this for the gold. This is personal.
Besides...what if you're wrong? What if it's all
just a rumour, and he hasn't lost his immortality
at all? You'd be stalking the God of War. But I...I
have the ability to kill gods. Now wouldn't that
make a nice insurance policy, hm-m? Besides...I
know where to find him.
Ares...when you gave up your immortality to save
me and Eve, that was...that was quite a sacrifice.
Thank you.
ARES
If Eve had died and Xena lost her power to kill gods,
then Athena would have killed Xena, so I was
saving Eve to save Xena. You were an afterthought.
Thanks, anyway.
How'd it go?
So far, so good. You cleared the chimney.
GABRIELLE
Ares did the heavy work.
XENA
Yeah?
She's exaggerating. She just doesn't want to
admit she couldn't get me to work any better
than you could.
GABRIELLE
A lot of truth in that.
XENA
You know, my brothers and I used to sit by the
fire, here and tell ghost stories. My brothers...I
miss them sometimes.
ARES
Xena...the thief is still here. He got my gauntlet
this afternoon. Whoever it is, is good, I mean,
very, very good. We didn't see a thing.
GABRIELLE
What if there's nothing to see?
ARES
Like a ghost?
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
You mortals go to the most incredible places
just to rationalize unexplained phenomena.
XENA
You know what's wonderful?
GABRIELLE
What?
XENA
It's wonderful that we're sitting here together in
front of this cozy fire.
GABRIELLE
That's right. Life on a farm is so peaceful.
XENA
Mm-m-m-m-m.
ARES
Are you two insane? The life is incredibly dull.
It--it--it--it's--it's horribly uncomfortable, and,
it--it--it's hard.
XENA
Oh, you'll change your tune when you get a few...
...calluses on your hands.
Let me guess. This is your favourite part.
Split up. There's gotta be one dry room in the house.
The kitchen's worse.
Hey, it's dry in here. This was my room.
Grandpa must have fortified the roof. It's the only dry room in the house.
That's a big bed. The three of us can sleep in there.
Three of us in one bed?
ARES
Sure.
XENA
Well, I suppose. We are all grown-ups.
ARES
We certainly are.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think a change of positions is in order.
I meant we should both change positions.
ARES
All right.
I'm in Tartarus.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle! I don't care if it is a ghost. If I can kill gods,
maybe I can kill ghosts, too!
ARES
Oh, thank God I'm a country boy.
Wait a minute, drag marks. Look.
GABRIELLE
The ghost stole her breastplate.
It couldn't carry her breastplate. Had to drag it. An
ample breastplate, to be sure, but...
This way! Come on!
ARES
O-op!
Something buried our stuff.
GABRIELLE
What is this?
Look. Oh! Oh-h-h!
GABRIELLE
Strange.
Where are my boots?
Sh-h. It's a wolf.
It's not a wolf. It's a dog. Don't they have dogs
on Olympus?
ARES
Not one-headed ones.
Oh-h! Get it off me!
Hey, he's not attacking you. He's trying to be affectionate.
ARES
Well, I am not interested in that kind of relationship.
O-h-h-h-h.
XENA
Aw, come here, pooch.
Oh, now, don't--don't--don't do that. Now we'll
never get rid of it.
GABRIELLE
Maybe we don't wanna get rid of him.
ARES
Is there anything you and I agree on?
Oh, yeah. Anything else?
XENA
All right, Ares...you can stay here with your furry
little friend and fix the roof. Gabrielle and I are
off to town for some supplies.
Can it get any worse?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, again!
ARES
Neighbor lady, hello.
You filthy mongrel.
GREBA
Dogs make me go all cuddly.
(to Jake) See the lady? Say hello to the lady. Say hello!
He's just...
My husband and I had a dog. But then he died
three years ago in the battles, my husband, that
is, not the dog. And then the dog was run over
by the funeral wagon that was carrying his body
home. There's been a great gaping hole in my
heart ever since that day. Isn't war just terrible?
ARES
A crime against humanity.
GREBA
I don't know why people can't be more like animals.
I mean, animals don't go to war or lie or cheat or
betray each other. Take this little guy right here.
I mean, when he likes you, he just comes up and
starts licking you. Why can't we be more like that?
ARES
A very, very good question. Maybe we can take him
for a long walk sometime, huh?
GREBA
They wouldn't mind us borrowing their dog - your daughters?
ARES
You mean, slave girls.
GREBA
Oh. They don't act like slaves.
ARES
Well, I spoil them. So, uh, what made you think
they were my daughters?
GREBA
Oh, well, I mean, you being an older man and
everything. Oh, don't get me wrong, I mean,
you're--you're in great shape, and you hold yourself
so well. You know, good posture's so very important.
It's just that you're--you're so much more sophisticated
than what I'm used to, and, well, with the gray hair,
it's just-
Gray - gray--gray hair. Gray hair.
Oh, you have that patch of gray just there.
ARES
Was that rain I - fix the roof.
Oh. Well, bye.
ARES
Bye.
Think that's funny? Yuk it up.
Oh!
Of course.
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Ares-
What are you doing?
ARES
Oh, I'm just lying here smelling my mortality.
XENA
Oh.
ARES
Every muscle in my body aching. I have gray hair,
and the dog has its tongue in my mouth.
XENA
Well, ha-ha, enough of that.
Scat.
All due respect, Xena, this is the worst idea you've
ever had.
Oh! Oh! Oh-h. I'll never make a convincing farmer.
XENA
Nonsense. You just need to know how to
accessorize. Come on.
ARES
Oh!
I'm guessing these are the accessories.
GABRIELLE
Hey, look what I found.
This dog is incredibly needy.
Why don't you pet it? Then maybe it won't be so needy.
Ares, I got a job you might like.
ARES
Really?
XENA
Why don't you go kill a chicken for dinner?
ARES
All right! Now you're talkin'!
Only one chicken.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yah!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you think he'll ever get used to this?
XENA
He just has to convince them once. After that, he
can hire in some help or get his dancing girls, for
all I care. But once he is set up, you and I are
out of here.
Mm-hmm.
What?
GABRIELLE
Xena, I know you wanna help Ares, but you're
here to relive your childhood memories.
XENA
You think so?
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
XENA
Maybe you're right. I was happy here. It was a
peaceful and I...f--felt safe.
GABRIELLE
Hm-m.
XENA
Ever since, my life has been anything but.
GABRIELLE
I'll say. Let's enjoy it while we can.
Come here.
Come on. Okay. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come to Papa!
Uh, careful. I'm beginning to like that.
XENA
Uh, Ares, my plan's working perfectly.
ARES
You planned to drive me insane?
XENA
No, my plan to deal with Gasgar.
ARES
Are they leaving the valley?
XENA
Nope...they're comin' right toward us.
ACT THREE
Yah! Yah!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right, Ares, if you can pull this one off and
convince them that you're a farmer, they'll leave
and you'll have your cover.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
But Gasgar and Attila know what I look like.
XENA
Oh, that's the beauty of it. I've asked around.
They're the only ones who know what you look like,
and they won't be part of the search party.
You inside!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Show yourselves!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, the official story - Ares passed by here a
couple of days ago-
GABRIELLE
Suck it in.
-and when he left, he was headed for the Hurata Pass.
I said get out here!
XENA
All right, you're on.
I'll be waiting out back. Wouldn't do to find the
Warrior Princess hanging out on a farm.
If you don't come out here-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-things are going to get ugly.
GABRIELLE
Okay, go out there.
ARES
No--no--no--no. I'm gonna need a moment. Well, stall!
GABRIELLE
Stall?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Torch the place.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah!
Sorry, I was, um...busy.
DEMETRIUS
Come down here, pretty one.
Would you like to help us?
GABRIELLE
Oh, of course.
DEMETRIUS
We're looking for somebody. His name is Ares. He
probably doesn't go by that now. Now, I've never
seen him, but, uh, they say his looks are dark and
women like the look of him.
GABRIELLE
Well, there are a lot of men who come around
here whose looks I like.
Josa!
What are you doin'? Get back on in the house, woman.
All right!
What do you want?
DEMETRIUS
I want you to drop the attitude, farm-boy. Then I
want you to tell me if you've seen anybody suspicious
around here.
ARES
Yes, sir, yes I have. That'd be you.
Now-
-give me an answer. Have you seen any tall, dark,
handsome guy around here? I'm sure your woman
over there would've been all over him if you did.
Wait a minute! If he's out cold, how can we
question him?
He's pretty feisty for a farmer. How do we know
he's not Ares himself?
Are you kidding? Ares' much younger man than this.
Oh, yeah, you've seen him. Well, the question is-
-has he seen him?
XENA
That's exactly what I'm gonna find out.
Listen...
DEMETRIUS
Put that pinch on him. I've never seen it.
XENA
Well, it's not exactly a spectator sport.
DEMETRIUS
Yeah, but I hear that it makes the nose gush
blood. Are you gonna do it or not?
O-o-oh!
O-o-oh!
You. You are going to be dead in thirty seconds,
you and your little dog too, if you don't tell me
have you seen Ares, the God of War?
ARES
He stayed here a coupl'a nights ago and went to
the Hurata Pass.
The Hurata Pass.
Good work.
ARES
(choking) Hey! Hey--hey--hey--hey.
DEMETRIUS
I'll let Gasgar know right away.
XENA
I'm gonna head for the Hurata Pass.
Yah!
Oh-h-h-h!
Ares, you shouldn't have come out with such an attitude.
My woman-
Yeah?
ARES
-was about to take on an entire army.
GABRIELLE
Oh.
ARES
I-
-think even a farmer would just have a little bit of
attitude about that, don't you?
GABRIELLE
I was playing with my character. I just used the
first thing that popped into my head.
ARES
I think that says a lot about you.
Well done, Ares. You fooled 'em. They're gone.
(to Jake) Get down from there. Hey!
Hey--hey--hey--hey--hey, do not be throwing things
at my dog!
XENA
What do you mean?! He bit me! It...
Did you say your dog?
He is the only one that stood up for me just now.
I think I'll call you...Horace. Come, Horace, let's
go kill some chickens.
It's amazing, he's bonded with the dog.
XENA
Well, that dog worships him. That's a relationship
Ares can understand.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I see you use the pull and squeeze method. I
prefer the double squeeze.
XENA
Double squeeze takes too long.
GABRIELLE
No, you get more milk that way. It's easier on
the cow.
Ha-ha-ha.
The Warrior Princess and the Battling Bard,
discussing the correct technique for milking a
cow - absurd and yet, at the same time ridiculous.
XENA
It's important.
Hello? Anyone there?
Horace! Where you goin', buddy?!
GABRIELLE
In here!
I'm sorry to bother you but I was just wondering
if anyone had seen my dog.
ARES
Your dog.
DEMPAR
Mm-m. Uh, I'm a traveling salesman. I was
passing through here a couple of weeks ago, and
my dog ran off during a thunderstorm. I was just
trying to find him. Y--you can't miss him. He's--he's
got two different coloured eyes.
ARES
One gray, one blue?
DEMPAR
Yes!
ARES
I've never seen him.
DEMPAR
Shame.
That's him. That's him!
Ha-ha. Tha--tha--that's him!
That's not a dog. It's a horse. We breed 'em small
around here.
DEMPAR
No, it's--no, it's really him! Jake! Jake, come back!
Here you go! Jake, come back to Daddy!
ARES
(whispering) Run, Horace, run.
DEMPAR
Jake, Jake, Jakey Come back! Not that fast!
Look at the workmanship there.
Get out of the way.
DEMPAR
(to villagers) Oh, I'll be with you later. (to Gasgar)
Now, how may I help you gentlemen?
What's he chewin' on?
DEMPAR
Oh, it's, uh, it's funny you should ask that because
it's just one of the most precious things that we
have here.
Look at that. It's-
Well, uh, it's available, for a price.
DEMETRIUS
It looks like Ares' gauntlet.
GASGAR
Where'd you get it?
DEMPAR
Now, that's a very interesting thing in itself. You see-
GASGAR
Where'd you get it?!
DEMPAR
My dog found it on--on a farm.
GASGAR
What farm?
DEMPAR
A--a f--farm.
ACT FOUR
Maybe he buried it in the field.
ARES
Oh, you are so quick to blame Horace.
XENA
Well, who else would steal your gauntlet?
Hello? Bad news - Gasgar's army has turned
around and is heading back down the valley.
A soldier from his army was drunk in a tavern
at Ipeiros last night, and he says that Gasgar is
heading for this farm. Somehow, Gasgar's got
it in his head that Ares is here. Goodness, aren't
people just the funniest thing?
Thank you, Greba.
GREBA
Oh, and I also heard that-
XENA
Greba...go away.
GREBA
Well, good-bye.
Gasgar...Xena's here.
GASGAR
Oh. Good. Send her in.
I thought you were headed for the Hurata Pass, Xena.
XENA
And I heard you turned your army around. I didn't
want you to waste your time. Ares headed through
here a few days-
GASGAR
That's not gonna play.
Ares' gauntlet. A dog found it on a farm - a farm
you happened to ride up to when Demetrius was
in the middle of an interrogation. Why are you
tryin' to hide Ares, Xena?
GABRIELLE
I'll tell you why.
Gabrielle, what are you doing here?
GABRIELLE
I'm tired of being used by you, Xena.
XENA
Gabrielle, this is not time for one of your little spats.
GABRIELLE
You wanna know where Ares is?
GASGAR
Yeah.
XENA
Don't listen to her. She's insane.
GABRIELLE
I'll tell you who's insane - you. If you think you can
walk away from me. You've fallen in love with Ares,
and suddenly I'm nothin'.
GASGAR
You fell in love with Ares? After all he's done to
ya? That's pathetic.
XENA
You want a piece of me, Gasgar?
GASGAR
None of my business, really.
XENA
Damn straight.
GASGAR
You were about to tell me where Ares is.
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
XENA
Wouldn't do that if I were you, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Xena, you taught me how to fight. I may be tougher
than you think.
Ares is headed to Pultruis. He's gonna hide in
the Naughton Cave.
XENA
Why, I oughtta...
GABRIELLE
Come on, Warrior Princess. Let's see what ya
got. Come on.
Ow!
Whoa. Whoa. Can we take this outside?
Okay, I'll leave.
How far to Pultruis?
DEMETRIUS
It's a day's ride.
All right.
Nice moves.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horace! Oh, yeah. Come on, come on. Yeah.
Oh-h-h-h.
GABRIELLE
I guess you don't need the flute girls anymore.
ARES
Hey, I like his company. It's not like he takes care
of all my problems.
XENA
Here.
So, what happened to Gasgar?
XENA
Oh, he headed with the others towards the Pultruis
Caves. He thought you were hiding out there for
some reason.
ARES
That would be the Pultruis where the beast of the
seven heads makes his lair?
GABRIELLE
Eight heads - and not one of them is friendly.
XENA
So you can stay here as long as you want. No
one'll bother you here.
ARES
Thanks, Xena, but to be honest, once I'm out of
chickens, I might just move on.
XENA
Well, you should drag it out. You know, you might
find a kind of peace here that you won't find afterwards.
And who knows? Maybe I'll come and visit ya sometime.
ARES
Or...I could give this whole rural thing a good try.
Good boy.
Have fun.
How are you feeling?
XENA
I've learned something since coming back here.
You can't look for peace in the world around you.
You've gotta find it in your own heart. I was happier
when I was a kid here 'cause I was loved and I
felt like I belonged. I was lucky then and I'm lucky now.
GABRIELLE
Me, too.
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Noel Coutts as Gasgar
Kirk Torrance as Demetrius
Charmaine Guest as Greba
Norman Forsey as Dempar
Dai Henwood as Siki
Andrew Kovacevich as Allus
Megan Nicol as Bargirl
?????????????? as Jake
Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: Charles Siebert
Disclaimer: Ares went to the dogs during the making of this motion picture.
