Soul Possession
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
Okay, hand it over.
JOXER
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why don't we just
destroy it?
You can't. It's a binding agreement in every sense
of the word. Ares made it. Only Ares can destroy
it. Our best bet is to hide it someplace he isn't
likely to find it. The Ionian Sea is famous for having
caverns that go for miles. That's a lot of ground
for him to cover. Come on.
JOXER
Okay. Wait a minute. If we can't destroy it-
-maybe we can disguise it.
XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h, the old scroll-within-a-scroll routine.
JOXER
Oh, yeah.
XENA
I buy that.
Wish me luck.
JOXER
Good luck.
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!
Our treasure-hunting days have finally paid off.
Someone's gonna pay top dollar for this baby.
No one's sitting here.
ROXANNE FIELDS
Excuse me?
EXTRA
Shh, shh, shh.
ROXANNE FIELDS
If everyone would get settled in, we will begin the
press conference. Please take your seats, everybody.
Go ahead.
ROXANNE FIELDS
Please, sit down. Thank you. Take your seats.
Thank you very much. You can sit down now.
Thank you. Thank you all for coming! Uh, we
have a lot to cover, so I'll turn you over to Dr.
Frederick Delaney of C.H.A.K.R.A.M. Laboratories.
Good afternoon, colleagues and members of the
press. It is with great excitement that I address
you this afternoon. A most revolutionary discovery
has recently been made.
I hold in my hand a newly uncovered scroll-
-of the life of Xena, Warrior Princess.
Yes!
XENA FAN #1
New scrolls, means new episodes!
XENA FAN #2
Yeah! Season seven!
XENA FAN #1
Yeah! Season seven!
XENA FAN #2
Yeah! Season seven!
XENA FAN #1
Rob Tapert, give us what we want! Deliver a new
season, a seventh season of Xena!
Get off of me!
Please excuse that interruption, ladies and gentlemen.
Please continue, Doctor.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
This scroll reveals a new piece to Xena's life.
EXTRA
O-o-o-oh.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Xena was married...to Ares, God of War.
Doug, we got tomorrow's front page.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Barb Binder from Whoosh. As webmaster of the
official Xena fansite I happen to know Xena would
never subscribe to the subjugating regime of marriage.
RANDOM REPORTER
And wasn't Ares her most reviled enemy?
ROXANNE FIELDS
We'll field all questions and comments after Dr.
Delaney is finished. Now, please? Let him continue.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
The scroll includes a contract between Xena
and Ares, with an accompanying story, which
supports our theory, that it is indeed a marriage
license between the two. Now, the timeframe of
the story places it after Gabrielle, and her evil
daughter, Hope, seemingly perish, after falling
into a lava pit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope!
XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h! Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
Xena-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
As we saw in the scroll entitled-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-"Adventures in the Sin Trade II," upon looking
for Gabrielle in the Amazon land of the dead-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Xena received a vision from her enemy, Alti which
convinced Xena that Gabrielle was still alive.
XENA
Gabrielle, you're the best thing in my life.
GABRIELLE
I love you, Xena.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This new scroll accounts for the missing time
between Xena receiving the vision and her finally
finding Gabrielle. (opens the scroll) Our story
begins as Xena rides away from the Amazon land
of the dead with new hope that Gabrielle is still
alive. Joxer, still in the throes of mourning over
the loss of Gabrielle taken to drink.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, hi.
XENA
Turn that frown upside down, Mister. It's a beautiful morning.
JOXER
Well, Xena, in case you didn't notice, I'm in a different
kind of mourning.
XENA
Oh, how many have you had?
JOXER
Just...two.
All right, it's time for you to sober up. You don't
want Gabrielle seeing you this way. She's alive.
JOXER
How do you know?
XENA
I had a vision.
JOXER
Oh. You had a vision. She had a vision! You know,
Xena, denial ain't just a river in Europe.
XENA
The Nile's in Africa.
JOXER
It's that long?
XENA
Joxer!
JOXER
She's gone! Nobody can survive that fall.
XENA
All right, if you wanna sit here and drink yourself
into oblivion, be my guest. But I'm going out to find
our friend, you big drunk.
JOXER
Hey, I'm not drunk. If I were drunk could I do-
-that?
XENA
Evidently.
JOXER
If I were drunk could I do this?
Ow!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) In Athens fair city
The girls are so pretty.
Just like Molly Polonius.
XENA
Watch your step.
O-oh!
(singing) I'm Joxer the Mighty.
I roam through the countryside.
With Gaby as a sidekick.
Fighting with her little stick.
(crying) She ain't got no little stick no more!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pardon me. Pardon me.
Uh, Annie Day, editor-in-chief of the "Joxer the
Mighty Quarterly."
Yes, Miss Day.
ANNIE
Well, as one of the world's top experts in Joxer
the Mighty studies, I think that I can throw some
light on this new scroll thing. See, once again,
it appears that someone wants too-
XENA FAN #2
Hey, that's that broad who discovered she was
Joxer in a previous life.
ANNIE
I have a point of clarification.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
All right.
ANNIE
Well, I'm afraid that your version of events is, in
fact, spurious. From my research, I have ascertained
that it was indeed Joxer, who initiated the heroic
search for Gabrielle and it was indeed he-
-it was he who pulled Xena out of the drunken stupor.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
No, that's inaccurate, Miss Day. From my research
on all the Xena scrolls, I can assure you that Joxer,
never once flexed a heroic muscle.
EXTRA
Thank you very much.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Now, please sit down, Miss Day?
Thank you.
ROXANNE FIELDS
At this time we'll take a short break and reconvene
in a few moments.
You'll find coffee in the lobby.
Hey. Hey, how did you get over the horror of finding
out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer?
ANNIE
Hey, Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play
him was a goofball, that's all. He was the producer's
brother, for crying out loud!
XENA FAN #2
At least you got to hang out with Xena and Gabby
in a past life. We can't lay claim to anything that
cool. Hey, speaking of the Warrior Princess and
the bard, what happened when your boyfriend
Harry found out he was Xena in his past life?
XENA FAN #1
And that your past-life counselor was none other
than his beloved sidekick Gabrielle?
ANNIE
They got hitched.
XENA FAN #1
Decent. Xena and Gabby, finally a couple.
XENA FAN #2
Wait till we tell the rest of the fans.
XENA FAN #1
Yeah.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
(crying) But I read his scrolls.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
See? I decided to carry on Gabrielle's legacy. I'm
the bard, now.
XENA
Go on. Read it.
JOXER
(reading) "As the innocent Gabrielle, plummeted
to her fiery doom, Joxer, the ultimate warrior watched
in horror, his muscles bulging one after ano-
(reading) "And the light played on his steely, sun
kissed buttocks."
JOXER
Pretty good, huh?
XENA
Gabrielle, where are ya, now?
JOXER
She's gone. And where are we goin', anyway?
XENA
Back to the temple where she disappeared.
Maybe we can pick up her trail from there.
JOXER
Oh, that's a great idea. Hey, maybe she left some
breadcrumbs for us to follow.
XENA
Joxer, Gabrielle is alive and you're gonna help
me find her whether you like it or not. Now, stay
here. I'm gonna hit the ladies'.
Hey, why don't you hit some kids, too?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle, we're not doin' so good without you.
But I'm gonna keep looking till I find you, I promise.
What's happening?
XENA
Nothing that concerns you.
ARES
Oh, you'd be surprised. Ooh, uh, picked up a little
something on Gabrielle.
XENA
You're spying on me now?
ARES
No. No, I...I'm just worried you're still holding out hop-
Guess that was a poor choice of words.
XENA
What do you want?
ARES
You don't seriously think you're gonna find anything
in the lava pit, do you?
XENA
Why should you care?
ARES
Oh, I care. Trust me.
XENA
Ares, you are as much to blame as Hope for Gabrielle
falling into that pit.
ARES
Now, let's not go pointing fingers. Besides, you
might be on to something. Gabrielle still alive?
It's possible. But you're gonna need the help of
a friendly god.
XENA
I don't need you.
ARES
Oh, admit it. With my powers I can cover a thousand
times the ground you can alone. If Gabrielle is out
there somewhere I'm your best bet for a speedy reunion.
XENA
Why the sudden helping hand?
ARES
Well, over the years we've caused each other a
lot of grief and I th--h--h--hink that's because I
couldn't express my true feelings.
XENA
What are you driving at?
Will you marry me?
ACT TWO
ARES
Come on. Don't leave me hangin'. Will you be
my wife?
XENA
How's this for an answer?
So you're saying you need more time, right?
XENA
Um...no.
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Sheeee-yah!
Oh, so no, y--you don't need more time.
XENA
I despise you. You've been tormenting me for years.
ARES
That? That was just foreplay.
Oh! Oh, that'll leave a mark! Xena, I'm on the level,
here. I can't get ya outta my head or my heart.
Let me help you with that.
You know, the harder you fight, the more enflamed
my passion becomes. What do I have to do to
show you I'm serious?
XENA
Die.
ARES
Well, sadly, I'm a god. I know! A wedding gift.
Say...Gabrielle.
XENA
So, she is alive.
ARES
Well, I won't know till I start looking. And I'm not
gonna start looking 'til I have a good reason.
Come on, Xena. Becoming Mrs. God of War is a
small price to pay to find her. You might even
enjoy it. In fact, I know you will.
XENA
You give me one reason to trust you.
ARES
Well, that is true. I do have a reputation as something
of a trickster. I'll tell you what. Just to show you I'm
serious, I'm gonna go out on a limb, here. I'll marry
you in front of the Fates.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the big deal with the Fates?
XENA
A marriage in front of the Fates makes the bond
eternal and unbreakable.
JOXER
So, that's good how?
XENA
To betray your spouse is to betray yourself. Ares
couldn't harm me or anyone else I care about
without harming himself. But I don't get it. What's
he up to?
JOXER
Takin' advantage of your deranged state, obviously.
XENA
No, I have complete control of my faculties.
I'm takin' you to a grief oracle.
XENA
I'll give you grief. You know, at least Ares is prepared
to admit that Gabrielle is alive, which is more than
I can say for you.
JOXER
Are you seriously considering marrying Ares?
XENA
I will to whatever it takes to get Gabrielle back. Yes.
Xena. Xena.
XENA
Is somebody there?
GABRIELLE (voice-over)
It's me - Gabrielle.
XENA
Gabrielle?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh, how could Gabrielle have shown up? That
defies the logic of the following scrolls.
XENA FAN #2
Yeah. Xena and Gaby don't meet up until "A Family
Affair." What kind of Brooklyn Bridge are you tryin'
to sell us today?
EXTRA
Yeah.
EXTRA
What's up?
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Oh, where were we? Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Xena heard
Gabrielle whisper to her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena.
XENA
Gabrielle. Where are you, Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE (voice-over)
I'm in your heart where you must keep me.
Hm-m-m.
And don't bother looking for me because I can't
be found. I'm gone.
Um, just like in that one scroll that I wrote that
time with the-when I fought that guy with the big
stick an'-
Just a minute, Xena.
And if Joxer wants a drink-
Idiot.
Nice driving, Dear.
HARRY
Thanks, Pumpkin.
Oh, that was the most fabulous vacation since
our honeymoon.
HARRY
Yeah.
Ha-ha and I thought that nothing could top that.
MATTIE and HARRY
R-r-r-r-r-reow!
MATTIE
Wasn't it fascinating how being in Greece brought
back our lives as Xena and Gabrielle?
HARRY
Yeah, except I shouldn't'a had those two goat-cheese
milkshakes.
MATTIE
Is my little Warrior Princess' tummy still bothering him?
HARRY
Mm-hm-m-m-m-m.
Whew! Home at last.
Uh, trash. Junk. S and M cata-ooh. Hm-m. There's
a letter here from C.H.A.K.R.A.M.
HARRY
What's it say?
It's a conference. Aah, blah, blah, blah. They found
a new scroll in the Ionian Sea. Something about
a radical interpretation. It's today. The conference
is today.
HARRY
If that scroll is what I think it is, the world could
be in a lot of trouble. Come on, Pumpkin. Let's go.
Ares? Ares, I have your answer.
You certainly took your sweet time.
XENA
I was weighing up the pros and cons. It wasn't a
very balanced list. The truth is I just don't think we'd
look right together on top of a wedding cake.
ARES
Just as long as you look right on top of me.
XENA
Don't get ahead of yourself.
ARES
Xena, come on. What's it gonna be?
XENA
Ares, I would do anything to get my friend back.
So, yes...I'll marry you.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
What say we skip right to the honeymoon?
Wouldn't wanna ruin your appetite.
ARES
You won't regret this, I promise you, Xena. So, I
guess we should discuss China. What do you
want? The North, the South? I'm easy.
XENA
I don't want your assets, Ares. But I do have one
small demand for our wedding day.
ARES
Name it.
XENA
I want the ceremony to take place at the lava pit.
ARES
Where Gabrielle died? Kind of morbid, don't you think?
XENA
No, I think it's fitting. I should be as close as
possible to the one person in the world I meant
to spend the rest of my life with as I give myself over
to the one person in the world I would never choose.
ARES
I know what this is. Pre-wedding jitters. All brides
get 'em.
Okay, you can have your fairy-tale wedding, Xena.
Well, I gotta go break it to the folks. Can you imagine?
Zeus, and Hera are gonna be your in-laws.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.
Ares, show yourself! Ares, I, Joxer the Mighty,
command you to show yourself! Hey, Jelly-Butt, get
down here!
Ah-h-h-h-h! Ooh-h! Uh!
Eh-heh.
ARES
So tell me why I shouldn't kill you.
JOXER
Did I say "Jelly-Butt"? I meant, uh, uh, "Buns of
steel!" It's a good thing you showed up, too.
ARES
"Showed up?" For what?
JOXER
Well, this is your last night as a single guy, right?
ARES
What?
JOXER
Your bachelor party, ya big lug.
Ta-da-a-a-a-a-a!
Mi-i-i-i-iss Athens. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h. Thirty-six,
twenty-four, thirty-six. She loves Greek mythology,
kids and hopes one day all men can be brothers.
Next we have Miss Mesopotamia.
Ah-h-h-h, an oasis in the desert. Wouldn't you like
to take a little dip in that? Hm-m? Hmm-mm-mmm.
And finally you'll fall for Miss Gaul.
Ah-h-h-h-h, too much for the Roman Empire to
handle, but not too much for the God 'o War.
ARES
This is it?
JOXER
Well, on short notice, ya--you know how it is?
ARES
(to the women) Blow.
EXTRAS
Oh-h!
ARES
Am-scray.
EXTRA
Uh.
EXTRA
Hm-m-m.
You honestly thought that you'd con me out of
marrying Xena with this--this fistful of harlots?
You know what? I got a prenup to sign.
W-w-w-w-w-wait! There's more. Heh-heh.
Savin' the best for last! Got a sweet tooth?
You like baklava? Here's three more layers of
pure delight. Bite into this delicacy and it may
bite back. And that's a good thing. Heh-heh.
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-hah-h-h-h-h!
Heh-heh-heh-heh-
Oh!
MEG
(singing) Who's my little bubba?
My little bubba?
Who's my little bubba?
Ka-chookie-chookie-chookie-chookie.
(speaking) Give me an "A"! "A"!
Give me an "R"! "R"!
Give me an "S"! "S"!
Give me an "E"! "E"!
Whaddya got? Go-o-o-o-o-o Ares!
JOXER
Meg!
MEG
(whispering) Joxer.
ARES
Who's Meg?
JOXER
Uh-uh-uh.
It's a--a fr--friend. Heh-heh.
MEG
A very good friend.
JOXER
Yeah.
ARES
I'm outta here.
No! No-no! No! No-o-o-o-o!
MEG
Ya know what? I'm cookin' in here. I need som'in'
to wet my whistle.
Try that.
MEG
Thanks.
JOXER
Hey, what's with this whole cake thing?
MEG
Well, I needed a way to earn a few extra dinars.
Mm-m-m-m.
MEG
What do you think?
JOXER
Banana cream. My favourite.
MEG
Mm-m-m-m-m.
JOXER
You know? A classy lady like you shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna take you away from all this.
You are?
JOXER
Yeah.
MEG
Well, what happened to your other good friend Gabrielle?
Oh, her? Haven't you heard? She's dead.
MEG
I'll drink to that.
Can't you see I'm grieving here?
Well, sorry, Babycakes, but dead is dead. Can't
change that.
JOXER
No, but I can try.
Hey, wait a minute! These cherries cost five dinars
a bushel!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, we at C.H.A.K.R.A.M., were immediately
concerned about the authenticity. We weren't
interested in promoting a hoax like the Hitler diaries-
-or the fan fiction which pretends to be based on
legitimate scrolls. We consulted the world's
foremost experts-
Annie.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-and-
MATTIE
We thought you might be here.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-Nikos-
ANNIE
Harry-
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-expert in Greek-
ANNIE
-and Harry's ho' - what are you doing at the press
conference?
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
RJ Stewart was considered the last-
ANNIE
I'd like to see some credentials, please.
HARRY
Look, Annie I know you're still a little upset about
what happened between us, but you've gotta listen
to me or we could all be in serious danger
ANNIE
What are you talking about?
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-and the writing styles-
HARRY
I know enough about what happens in that scroll
to know how it turns out.
ANNIE
Well, don't ruin it for me. I hate it when people blab
the spoilers.
MATTIE
Annie, you don't understand. There's a very real
possibility that Ares might show up here.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-spiritual quest-
ANNIE
Ares? You mean, "God of War" Ares?
HARRY
None other. And if my instincts are correct, he's
bound to make an appearance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(is heard from outside the door) It's, uh, it's Joxer.
Are you decent?
XENA
I don't know about that. Come in anyway.
Wow. You look really beautiful. Um...despite the
bleakness of the situation, I mean. Look, Xena, is
there nothing I can say to make you not marry Ares?
XENA
I don't know what else to do, Joxer. Look...you
don't have to stay for the ceremony. You won't be
letting me down.
JOXER
If you're gonna go through with this, you must
really believe Gabrielle's alive, huh?
XENA
I do. Yes.
JOXER
Okay, then, so do I. Won't need this anymore.
I'm sorry I was such a downer.
XENA
I guess we all deal with loss in our own way.
Um, look, I know this is a marriage made in Hades-
-but I figure we don't have to abandon every tradition,
so, here.
Something old. It's a lock of Gabrielle's hair. It's--it's
weird, I know. I--I got it when she got her hair cut
last time and I want you to have it.
XENA
I don't know what to say.
JOXER
And, um, something new.
I picked it this morning. First bloom of the season.
Something borrowed - something borrowed, uh,
oh, I know, my lucky rabbit's foot. I'm sure it will
bring you more luck than the rabbit I chopped it
off from.
XENA
I guess we need something blue now, huh?
JOXER
That's easy. That's me.
Everything's going to be fine, Joxer. I promise.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are absolutely breathtaking.
XENA
Yeah? Then how come you're still breathing?
CLOTHO
We have been called here today, to witness the
union, of this god, Ares-
-and this mortal woman, Xena.
ATROPOS
The union which, Ares and Xena, are about to enter
into shall be eternal and unbreakable by gods or
mortals. Any breach of their vows will result in
anguish for both.
LACHESIS
In the name of Zeus, do you, Ares, God of War,
take this mortal woman, Xena, for your eternal partner?
ARES
Yes. Yes, I do.
LACHESIS
And in the name of our mother, Goddess Hera,
do you, Xena of Amphipolis, take Ares, God of War
for your eternal partner?
I do...not. That's a promise I just couldn't keep.
You tell him, Xena! Xena, you're--you're running
the wrong way!
ARES
Well, this is embarrassing.
JOXER
Deal's off, Ares. Let her go.
Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
Xena-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!
XENA
Gab-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm coming, Gabrielle.
Don't tempt the fates, Xena.
XENA
The honeymoon is over, Ares.
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-
e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!
Xena. No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
ACT FOUR
JOXER
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Now you've taken away both my best friends, my
only-the only people I know!
ARES
Right.
JOXER
Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!
O-oh!
Get cold feet?
XENA
More like I got an idea. One that paid off. You know,
it always bothered me that you didn't intervene to
save Hope. She was carrying your baby, after all.
Then you showed up acting all interested in my
search for Gabrielle and I knew you had to have
something to do with it. I'd just have to play along
with your little game to expose the truth.
ARES
So, what exactly did you uncover, Xena?
XENA
You saved me from the fall, Ares. There's no way
you didn't do the same thing for Hope. A wedding
in front of the Fates - that was a nice touch. That
way, you could prevent me from finding Hope
and killing her. But you didn't just save Hope, did
you? You saved Gabrielle as well. Yes. You thought
she'd make a good bargaining chip knowing that
she was the only thing in the world that could induce
me to make a deal with you.
ARES
That is some detective work and you were close,
real close, but not quite. See, Gabrielle made a deal
with me. In exchange for saving Hope's life, she
offered me her soul. Yeah, you're right. It is quite
a bargaining chip. Unless we cut a new deal.
So...I have Gabrielle's soul. What could you possibly
have that I would exchange for that?
XENA
You want my soul.
ARES
That could work. I let Gabrielle live but you must
be my wife in your next life. And I guess, seeing
as how it was one of those in-front-of-the-Fates
kind of deals, that would be forever? Eternity.
XENA
And you would let Gabrielle and me live out this
life in peace.
ARES
Okay. Sounds like a deal. 'Cause you know, she'd
do it for you.
O-op, thumbprint right here on the bottom line.
Thank you.
That didn't hurt, did it? And there it is, my free-access
pass to your soul. And as long as I have this,
you're pretty much mine.
Wait! The other half of the deal. I don't see Gabrielle.
ARES
Oh, I let her go, but you gotta find her. I can't do
everything for ya.
XENA
Oh, I'll find her.
ARES
Just out of curiosity - what would 'a happened
here today if I'd really been asking for your hand
in marriage, no strings attached?
Guess you'll never know. Hm-m.
ARES
(hi-pitched) Call me?
Xena made off with the contract.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
She hid it inside another scroll-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-the one I've been reading from the one that was
authored by Joxer and hid it at the bottom of the
Ionian Sea to prevent Ares from claiming her as
his bride in an afterlife.
Here.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
As we know, Gabrielle and Xena were reunited
in Poteidaia.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(whispering) Gabrielle? Hey--y--y. Oh, sweetheart.
I'm so sorry.
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
And I am happy to say that Ares never did locate
the scroll-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-we got to it first!
Look this way! Look this way!
First, second? What does it matter? It's mine now.
Did you schedule any celebrity appearances?
DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Well, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was
too much money.
MATTIE
Harry was right.
ANNIE
Matching the thumbprint on the contract is all
Ares needs to claim Xena as his own.
MATTIE
Where the hell is Harry?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear, God! Not again! Oh-h-h-h-h!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come on.
Hold on, Man.
ARES
Oh, sidekick and the comic relief. This oughtta
be good.
MATTIE
I don't appreciate being called the sidekick.
ARES
Don't blame me.
ANNIE
Listen, Mr. Harbinger of doom, we're not gonna
let you get away with this.
ARES
Okay.
Hey there. May I?
Thank you. Leave quickly.
Ah-h-h-h-h-h! Hel-l-l-l-lp! Hel-l-lp me!
Hold it right there, Ares.
ARES
Xena! Just in time. I have been waiting an eternity
for this. I guess this makes me your (as James Brown)
heh! O-oh! Good God! (normal voice) soul man.
Once I renew my signature.
XENA
Over my dead spirit. She-e-e-e-yah!
A-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-sh-e-e-e-e-yah!
Oop.
Harry? Harry.
ANNIE
Wake up.
MATTIE
Xena?
Hey.
Xena's soul in that body for an eternity? This I did
not bargain for. I want Xena's soul in Xena's body.
All right! Everybody gets their proper souls back.
Let's try that again.
Now that I can live with forever. Hey, Sugar.
Oh, no, you're not taking this body. This one works
much better. She-e-e-e-yah!
To the moon, Xena!
Hey, I was just wondering, Gabrielle, what's it like
to have the person who gave up her life for you
just lose hers forever?
Uh. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
You would strike a man from behind?
Ow!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-h-h-h-h-h! Wait, not the-
Oh! Ow.
Workin' out the bugs.
She-e-yah!
Oh, Baby, is that any way to treat an old flame?
XENA
It's time this flame was extinguished.
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!
Oh-h-h-h-h. Ah-ah-ah-ah-h-h-h-h.
(reading) "Sun-kissed buttock."
Haaa!
You love it, right? Yeah.
Who-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oa!
JOXER
Oh, no. I'm stuck! Ah-h-h-h!
She-e-e-e-yah!
ARES
Come on!
Come on, Ares!
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!
Hey! What's wrong with the special effects?
XENA FAN #2
Yeah, they're really cheesy.
ARES
Stay right there.
Un-freakin'-believable!
Ares made it. Ares destroyed it. Guess this means
you ain't got no soul. Ow!
ARES
You might 'a won the battle, Xena - but I'll win the
war. Until next time, Xena.
XENA
Oh, you think there's gonna be one?
Joxer.
Joxer. Joxer. Come on. Are you all right?
Fine, fine. It's just my head.
Xena, no matter how hard Ares has tried, he has
never been able to break us up.
XENA
And he never will, I promise.
Yeah, because-
What do you say we call it a day?
GABRIELLE
All right.
JOXER
Sounds good.
XENA
You know, I liked ya better blonde, but I can go with this.
GABRIELLE
Thanks.
JOXER
Hey, anything I gotta know about this new body
of mine?
XENA
Yeah, don't stray too far from the bathroom.
Oh! Dear God! What did you eat?! Oh! Out of the way!
Wait up!
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Annie Day
Lucy Lawless as Meg
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Renee O'Connor as Mattie
GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Ted Raimi as Harry
Ted Raimi as Xena
Michael Saccente as Dr. Fredrick Delaney
Lucy Briant as Roxanne Fields
Elizabeth Pendergrast as Atropos
Chloe Jordon as Lachesis
Leah Mizrahi as Clotho
Anne Nordhaus as Xena Fan #1
Jennifer Rucker as Xena Fan #2
Carly Binding as Whoosh Reporter
Campbell Cooley as Random Reporter
Xavier Schroder as Academic
Martyn Clist as Diver
Written by: Melissa Blake
Directed by: Josh Becker
Disclaimer: Joxer's natural process of elimination was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
