You Are There
This transcript is dedicated to the memories of Kevin Smith and Alexis Arquette.
What?! Here?!
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Beowulf.
Gabrielle.
It's good to see you.
BEOWULF
And you, Gabrielle.
XENA
Hey.
BEOWULF
Xena, you're a long way from home.
What's goin' on, Beowulf. Last time you saw
Gabrielle, you were willing to walk through a
column of fire to be at her side.
BEOWULF
It was love-struck foolishness. I like my bones
the way they are - without the flesh seared from
them. Rest - slake your thirst.
XENA
We didn't come here to drink with you, Beowulf.
I need to see Odin.
BEOWULF
You know where to find him.
GABRIELLE
In Valhalla, but it's not easy to get there.
VALKYRIE #1
For some!
But you were a Valkyrie once, Xena. You know
the way to Valhalla. Die a hero's death. I'll escort
you there myself.
XENA
That's part of my long-range plan. Right now, I
just need to see Odin.
VALKYRIE #1
Odin doesn't need to see you. In fact, we have
orders to keep you away from him.
XENA
Well, I don't wanna make a sister Valkyrie look bad,
but you're gonna have trouble following those orders.
Think so?
Mm-hm-m.
Okay, okay, are we rolling?
Sound. Check, check. Testing, one, two, three.
Mary had a little lamb. Great.
Ow. Ow. All right. Okay. Come on, let's go.
Coming through. Excuse me, excuse me. This
way; come on.
All right. Get out!
(to camera) Here's Xena now. I think we're just
gonna go over and talk to her.
Excuse me, coming through. Oh! Sorry, Valkyries.
Uh, now-
-Xena-
-would you care to tell me why you've returned to
the Norse lands at this time?
You realize, Odin has vowed to kill you should you
return to Valhalla. Would you care to comment
on that threat? Xena?
ACT ONE
Xena Warrior Princess - to many she's seen as
a saviour, a protector of the downtrodden and the
innocent. Others, however, see her as nothing
more than a butcher - her hands stained with the
blood of hundreds - no, thousands - of innocent
people. Which is it? Tonight we put that question
to the legendary woman, herself.
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Hey.
Hey! Watch where you put your hands!
EXTRA
We're set. Roll sound.
Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy.
NIGEL
Xena, welcome. And also with us this evening
Gabrielle - the Battling Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's
constant traveling companion, and the chronicler
of her deeds. Glad you could make it.
GABRIELLE
Uh, thank you. It's, um, it's good to be here.
NIGEL
Good. Xena, first to you. You don't have exactly
the greatest reputation here among the Norseman.
As a Valkyrie, you used Odin's runes to visit a
reign of terror on the people of this land.
GABRIELLE
Everyone's seen the tapestry.
XENA
Uh, that was a long time ago.
NIGEL
So, why come back now? There's no love lost
between you and Odin.
XENA
Oh, but that's just it. That's exactly why Gabrielle
and I have returned-
NIGEL
You betrayed Odin, didn't you? Turning his, lover,
if you will-
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-Grinhilda, into a hideous monster.
GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Yeah, but-
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-Xena changed her back.
NIGEL
But not before the she-beast and her son, Grindl,
sent many a Viking warrior to Valhalla.
XENA
Is there a question in this somewhere?
NIGEL
Xena, is it your intention to kill Odin, and have
yourself proclaimed a god in his place?
GABRIELLE
(laughing) What?
XENA
Crazy.
NIGEL
Do you deny that you stole the Rheingold?
XENA
No.
NIGEL
And forged that into a ring which gave you the
power of a god?
XENA
I gave back the Rheingold. You can ask the Rhein Maidens.
NIGEL
And what about the Olympian gods? You destroyed
them also, didn't you?
XENA
N-n-not all of them, no.
GABRIELLE
Oh, see, they were--they were trying to kill her daughter.
XENA
Right.
NIGEL
Ah-h, a daughter who was following very successfully
in her mother's bloody footsteps.
XENA
Now just a doggone minute.
NIGEL
Xena, do you still have the power to kill a god?
I got the power to kill much lower forms of life
than that.
NIGEL
What's the matter, Xena? Uncomfortable with
the truth?
XENA
The truth?
You know what? You wouldn't know the truth if it
grew fangs and bit you-
Actually, uh, this interview is over.
Come on, Xena. Why don't you just admit it?!
You've always lusted to have the power of a god
and now you're here to kill Odin! Isn't that right,
Xena?! You're here to kill Odin!
I think that was good - had her on the ropes.
Charon ferries the boat across the river.
Xena's protestations of innocence aside, Odin
would do well to fear her considering the fate of
many others who have crossed her in the past
and ended up here - on the shores of the River
Styx in Hades.
CHARON (voice-over)
Nah.
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I can't deny Xena's been good for my business.
Wouldn't mind a vacation. But hey, it's better to
be workin' than not workin', right?
Of course it is. What you're saying is that most of
these passengers are here because of Xena.
Raw numbers? Nah. She's a drop in the bucket.
But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters - Elanis
of Mycenae, Velasca, uh, Marc Antony, Callisto.
You can even make a case for Caesar, himself.
You see, these people do not lose their mortal coils
without a fight.
Hey! Sometime this eternity!
CHARON
Unlike this guy, who's just been askin' for a one-way
ticket to the Underworld if you ask me.
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Because is this gonna take long? You know,
because I've been waiting for this stupid barge
forever. That boatman? I've been bumped twice
already. Peon! Damned arrogant ass! Doesn't
know who I am.
NIGEL
It'll only take a moment. I wanted to ask you a few
questions about Xena.
CALIGULA
Xena? You just wanna ask me about Xena? Fine,
I'll tell you. She's a snake! A treacherous deceiver,
like the rest of her sex. Never turn your back on
her. She and that--that--that bard of hers - yeah,
like we don't know what's goin' on there, huh?
Yeah, and they want you to think that Xena fights
for honour?! Oh!
NIGEL
And she doesn't?
CALIGULA
Look, I've spilled enough blood in my day to know
why anyone does it--it's the scent of it, the taste, the
thrill! Xena's no different! I'll show you. (to Man)
Hey, you, there. Who killed you?
MAN
You did. Beggin' your pardon, I think you were drunk.
You slit me open from here to-
CALIGULA
Uh, b-b-ba!
Come on, Fancy Pants, I thought you were in a hurry.
CALIGULA
Get your hands off of me! I'm in the middle of an
interview, you impudent cur!
CHARON
Yeah, yeah. You may have been a big-shot on
Earth, but down here you're just dead. Get used
to it. Come on.
Xena's evil! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
I--I was a god - a living god and that bitch took me out.
CHARON
All right. Oh, there's one more thing I'd like to say.
At least Xena pays her fare, unlike another so-called
superhero I know, more like super-cheapskate.
That's right, I'm talkin' about you, Hercules.
Hercules.
"I was a god - a living god and that bitch took me out."
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Odin declined an interview for this story, but a
source within Valhalla, did agree to speak with
us on a condition of strict anonymity. Welcome.
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Welcome. I understand that you're masking your
identity in a magic cloak of invisibility.
That is correct.
NIGEL
And that you understand what Xena wants here.
ODIN (voice-over)
Oh, I know, all right - apples.
NIGEL
Excuse me, you said apples?
ODIN (voice-over)
What are you, deaf?! She wants the golden apples!
NIGEL
Ah-h-h, I understand. The golden apples-
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-protected by Frigga, Odin's sister-in-law. It is
rumoured that whomever eats the golden apples
will become a god themselves.
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That's right. Xena wants to be a god - goddess - whatever.
NIGEL
Before we get into that, you claim to have masked
your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility. But isn't
it true that only Odin himself knows the mystic runes
whereby he can make himself invisible.
ODIN (voice-over)
Damn it.
Look, I don't mind if you know it's me. I just want
to appeal to all loyal Norsemen to do whatever
they can to stop Xena from getting into Valhalla,
and stealing the golden apples!
NIGEL
Why does she wanna steal the golden apples?
ODIN
So she can become a god! Look, she'll return
Ares to Olympus-
-who will in exchange make her his queen.
NIGEL
But surely, Ares and Xena have an adversarial history.
ODIN
Hm-m, you buy that, do you? Huh? You would.
Did you ever stop and think why Xena didn't kill Ares
when she had a chance? Hm-m? It's because
she's got a thing for him! She's always had a
thing for him! So Xena's gonna be a god, or a goddess,
or whatever. Well, it's not gonna happen, you
hear me, Xena?! You stay away from Valhalla or
you know what's gonna happen to you!
You'll never be a god, Xena!
ACT TWO
It seems that we are witnessing an epic struggle
here. On the one hand, Odin and his precious golden
apples. And on the other, Xena, seemingly determined
to possess them for herself. But why?
Gabrielle? Gabrielle, can you tell me if there's a
sexual relationship going on between Ares and Xena?
What are you doing here?!
NIGEL
Is Xena Ares' love slave?
But there was one other person who could shed
some light on the twisted codependent relationship
between the Warrior Princess and the God of War.
Go away.
I said get lost!
NIGEL
There's definitely somebody in there.
I'm gonna keep trying.
Whaddya want?! I'm busy!
Are you Ares, the former God of War?
ARES
Who wants to know?
NIGEL
We're here, asking a few questions about Xena.
Why does she wanna steal the golden apples?
ARES
I got nothin' to say about Xena.
Odin believes it's because she wants to restore
you to Olympus.
ARES
That'd be damn nice.
As you can see, I haven't exactly got the hang of
this whole mortal gig, but let me make it straight - Xena
owes me nothing.
NIGEL
According to Odin, you and she have cut a deal
whereby she will reign by your side as your queen.
ARES
A-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Xe--Xena's had plenty of
opportunities to be my queen. Frankly, the job
doesn't interest her.
NIGEL
Have you spoken with Xena recently?
ARES
Listen, buddy, I wasn't the only god sent down
from Olympus. Why are you buggin' me?
NIGEL
Are you saying that there are other gods who
survived Xena's attack?
Yo! Ares!
NIGEL
Wait a minute. Who's that? Can I? I--I think we should-
Hey! Hey! Hey!
NIGEL
I'm gonna go in here - just go, um-
ARES
Hey! This is private property!
NIGEL
Follow me.
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Check it out.
ARES
All right! Ya happy?! You see what the God of War
has come to? Well, have a good look. Laugh it up!
Ares, what's the commo-
You. What are you doing here?
Xena, I was right. You and Ares are plotting together.
XENA
Stay out of my business, Nigel.
NIGEL
Xena, are you in love with Ares?
ARES
All right, that's it! Get out! Get out! Get the hell out!
Try and get-
ARES
No! Get out! You're animals! Scavengers! Get outta here!
Michael sits with Nigel.
Do you think Odin has anything to fear from Xena?
MICHAEL
Let me put it this way - if it were my tail feathers
on the line I wouldn't trust Xena.
NIGEL
That's not a very charitable attitude coming from
an angel.
Archangel.
NIGEL
Archangel. Sorry, I...
Surely, as an archangel you are a creature of light,
ethereal and pure. Isn't it your job to believe in
the essential goodness of man?
Please. We help mankind to strive to achieve
goodness, but we're not stupid. Mankind has free
will and Xena she exercises hers with abandon.
NIGEL
Would you care to give us an example?
MICHAEL
She puts her own self-interest ahead of the greater
good. Did you know she risked unleashing Hell
on Earth to protect her own daughter?
NIGEL
But then, surely, she prevented that by killing
Mephistopheles on Earth.
MICHAEL
And by doing that she fated herself to take his
place in Hell.
NIGEL
Which she did not.
MICHAEL
Get this...she cast one of our own, Archangel
Lucifer, down into Hell to take her place.
NIGEL
Xena corrupted an angel?
MICHAEL
(echoing, bombing voice) Archangel!
And if she's capable of doing that, of seducing an
archangel into assuming the throne of Hell, you
tell me - who wouldn't she be willing to screw over?
NIGEL
Who indeed? Whoa!
Help me!
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Hello. I'm here, in Hell and I'm about to do what
no other reporter has ever done before. I'm going
to interview Lucifer.
Excuse me, sir. Sir? Um, horned one? Is it true
that you are the Prince of Darkness?
LUCIFER
What are you?
NIGEL
Please - try not to avoid the question. The public
want the truth - a portrait of the real demon behind
the myth.
LUCIFER
The real demon?
NIGEL
Please. Try not to cover anything up.
LUCIFER
Cover anything up? I'm the devil, you idiot! I'm
really bad. I'm evil incarnate. What do I have to
cover up?!
NIGEL
Right. Y--you have a point there.
LUCIFER
What are you doing here anyway? Are you one
of mine?
NIGEL
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. No, I'm part
of a journalistic investigation - an investigation
of Xena.
LUCIFER
Xena! You dare mention her name in my kingdom!
NIGEL
So you're--you're not a fan of the Warrior Princess.
Let me ask you something. Do I look like a guy
who enjoys his present position? Do you think I
asked for this gig?! I used to be an archangel on
the way up! And then she came along!
So, you're confirming the reports that Xena, in order
to avoid her own responsibilities in Hell, fooled an
archangel into assuming the throne of the Underworld.
LUCIFER
She'll defend herself saying my pride and ambition
brought me down, but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't
for her lies and deceit!
NIGEL
Then you believe the word of Xena is not to be trusted.
LUCIFER
She's a lying sack! I only wish I could get her down
here, mete out some serious everlasting punishment.
Well that's not an impossible dream. Given Xena's
exploits on Earth, I'm sure that she's bought herself
a one-way ticket to Hell.
LUCIFER
I wish.
NIGEL
Hm-m.
LUCIFER
With all her do-gooding - I fear she's escaped
my wrath.
In a sense, you're defending her character, which,
of course, is what Satan would do, try to defend one
of his own demons on Earth.
LUCIFER
Y'know, you're a real pain. I can't wait to get you
down here.
With respect, sir, that's not going to happen? You
see, I'm not a murdering warlord. No, no, no. I'm,
uh, I'm an award-winning investigative journalist.
(high pitched) I'm a member of the fifth estate.
LUCIFER
Like I said - I can't wait to get my claws into you.
And so we-we conclude a rather disturbing interview
with the Prince of Darkness.
There she is. Follow me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Are you Eve?
EVE
Do you wish to join our prayer circle?
NIGEL
No, not today, thanks. I'd like to ask you a couple
of questions about your mother, Xena.
Whatever you wish to know, my mother can answer
for herself.
Excuse us.
NIGEL
I--it's just a few questions. Is Xena trying to make
herself into a god?
EVE
There is only one God - the God of Eli. He teaches
us to walk the path of love.
NIGEL
I see. And does your mother walk the path of love?
EVE
My mother respects our faith. She would do nothing
to offend it.
NIGEL
Not even for Ares?
What about Ares?
NIGEL
Well, Xena wants to restore him to Olympus. She's
cut a deal to rule with him at his side.
EVE
No, the time of the many gods is passed.
NIGEL
Then why is Xena trying to steal the golden apples?
And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you
know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli
while your mother stood by and did nothing.
EVE
You want to know about my mother?
I will tell you about my mother!
NIGEL
Keep shooting.
EVE
You little sh[BEEP]it! If my mother is with Ares, you
can bet she's got a pretty fu[BEEP]ing good reason!
NIGEL
Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with
your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?
EVE
You fu[BEEP]ing prick!
Hey, get off! Get off me!
EVE
Stay the hell away from my mother! You stay the
f[BEEP] away from me, or I will kick your fu[BEEP]ing a[BEEP]!
Not the kind of words you'd expect to hear, from
Eve, the messenger of Eli. Whatever happened
to walking the path of light, Eve?!
EVE
F[BEEP] off!
NIGEL
You want your mother on Olympus, don't you?
You wanna see the god of war put back on his
throne so that you, and Xena and Ares can continue
your bloody ménage a trios!
Tell m--tell me you got that. You got that, didn't
you? Did you get that? You got that, huh?
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A shocking display from the Messenger of Eli,
but not so shocking, perhaps coming from the
daughter of Xena, for Xena provokes strong emotions
among those who cross her path feelings of
intense fear and hatred among her enemies
and equally intense feelings of loyalty among her
friends. And it is perhaps this loyalty that brings the
person sitting opposite me this evening into the studio.
Gabrielle, thank you talking with us.
GABRIELLE
Well, you're welcome, but don't thank me.
I'm here to tell you that you're wrong about Xena.
NIGEL
Wrong in what way?
GABRIELLE
In every way. Xena - you know, you make it sound
like Ares and Xena have this conspiracy to try to
rule the world.
NIGEL
But they don't.
GABRIELLE
No. No, Xena wants to save the world. That's why
she needs the golden apples.
NIGEL
And I suppose that Ares wants to save the world also.
GABRIELLE
It's hard to explain. He-
NIGEL
Well, maybe it's not so hard, Gabrielle. Maybe it's
quite simple. Maybe it's not Xena's lust for war that
drives her but Xena's lust for the God of War.
Xena doesn't lust after Ares.
NIGEL
Gabrielle, kindly direct your attention to the monitor.
So they have history. It doesn't mean anything.
NIGEL
Gabrielle, isn't it possible that you're confused
by your own feelings for Xena?
GABRIELLE
By my feelings for Xena.
NIGEL
Come on, Gabrielle. I know that Xena is more to
you than just a friend.
Okay, you're right. She's--she's my best friend.
NIGEL
What would you say, Gabrielle if I told you that
not too long ago, I found your friend, Xena in a
tumbledown little love shack at the edge of town
in the arms of Ares?
GABRIELLE
Uh...
NIGEL
How do you feel about that, Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
I don't know how I feel.
NIGEL
Tell us all the truth. You and Xena are lovers,
aren't you? Or should I say, you were lovers, until
you were replace by Ares. Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
I..di...
NIGEL
Gabrielle...are you in love with Xena?
GABRIELLE
I don't love Xena.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
Wait...y--you mean, y--you don't love Xena?
EXTRA
Hey! It's a closed set!
XENA
Closed set-
NIGEL
Huh?
XENA
-my butt!
Get out of my way! Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Xena, I was just trying to stop him from telling lies
about you.
XENA
I know. Let's go.
NIGEL
N--no! Wait! Wait! Xena, are you in love with Gabrielle?
XENA
Ya got some pair on ya, Mister.
NIGEL
Hey, I'm just doing my job.
XENA
And I'm just doin' mine.
Oh! Uh!
XENA
If you've done your research, you'll know that I've
just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You got
thirty seconds to listen to what I have to say. D'ya
understand? Understand? You wanna know if I
love Gabrielle. Well, let me ask you a question - do
you love anybody? Do you love your wife? Do you love
your dog? Do you love yourself? Is there anyone in
this world that you love with all your heart? No,
there isn't, is there? Because you can't love. None
of us can. The world has lost the greatest gift the
gods ever gave us, and I'm gonna get it back.
Now, that's your story.
Y'hear me, Odin? I'm comin' for ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!
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So, what's the plan?
XENA
I'm goin' after Odin.
GABRIELLE
Well, there's gotta be more to it than that.
XENA
Why do you do that?
GABRIELLE
Do what?
XENA
Ask me to spell out the plan?! You'd think after all
these years you could maybe join the dots yourself.
GABRIELLE
Well, why do I have to drag it out of you?! You know,
I wish I knew the pinch - I would force you to share
your "little plan" with me.
XENA
No, no, no. You can take the pinch off, but you're
not allowed to put the pinch on.
GABRIELLE
Oh, I'm not allowed? Oh, that's right - I'm the
sidekick. You go ahead, Xena. I'll walk ten paces
behind you and your horse!
XENA
You could walk beside my horse!
GABRIELLE
That's really big of you, Xena!
XENA
Gabrielle, stop.
EXTRA
Come on! Move those-
XENA
What's going on? This isn't us.
GABRIELLE
We're saying things that people who love each
other wouldn't ever say.
XENA
Yeah. We've gotta get love back into the world,
Gabrielle, and fast.
GABRIELLE
Right. So what's the plan?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A world without love. A world-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-where the skills of the delicious goddess no
longer lift us to heights of almost intolerable
pleasure. Well, anything is possible. But surely--but
surely, the truth is-
Excuse me, excuse me, I'm trying to report here.
The truth is that both Xe-
Thank you. That both Xena and Ares are-
(high pitched) -plotting! (normal) Thank you.
Both Xena and Ares are plotting to divert this
reporter from getting to the truth. So we've decided-
Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! That's it!
Hands! Hands! Hands. So we've decided to come
to the one place where love is rarely in short supply.
Got a number?
NIGEL
Excuse me.
EXTRA
No.
MADAM
Did you take a number?
NIGEL
Excuse me? Over here!
MADAM
Can you count?
NIGEL
Excuse me.
NIGEL
All right! All right! I know you're there! (to Viking)
You go after him.
EXTRA
Yeah.
MADAM
Thank you.
NIGEL Hi, there. I wonder if we might have a word.
MADAM
Well, what'll it be tonight? We're running a special
on a little number we call "Thor's Hammer," or,
for a bit extra, you can get "The Ride of the Valkyries."
NIGEL
O-oh, "Ride of the Valkyries." That sounds - well,
uh, business appears to be booming.
Well, look around! My boys know where to come
to dock their longboats. Ha! If you catch my drift.
So, you would say, then that there has been no
sudden shortage of love in the world.
MADAM
Oh, I didn't say that, now.
NIGEL
You did say business was booming.
My business has never been about love! If these
boys were looking for love they'd be wooing their
sweethearts or at home with their wives. The less
love I have to deal with, the fatter my purse.
Interesting.
MADAM
Calling number twenty-seven! One "Thor's Hammer"!
We'll make you feel like the God of Thunder!
ARES
Twenty-seven! Yo! I got Twenty-seven!
Ares, the former God of War!
ARES
No, I'm not! Crap!
We found Ares, the former God of War, half-naked
and stinking of booze, in a bordello!
ARES
I'm tryin' to get laid! I'm not a criminal!
NIGEL
I'm following him now. Excuse me, I'm-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(whispering) As news of our investigation has
spread we've been contacted by a source who claims to
have some answers.
GRINHILDA
Halt. Come no further.
NIGEL
(whispering) The source.
Who are you?
GRINHILDA
That's not important, but what I have to tell you
is. You're following the wrong story.
NIGEL
What do you mean?
GRINHILDA
Xena's trying to put a god back on Olympus, all
right, but not the one you think.
NIGEL
But...which god?
GRINHILDA
You'll have to find that out for yourself. I'm in great
danger. If Odin discovers I have betrayed him-
NIGEL
All right. Here's what I'll do. I'll mention each god
by name and then I will count five seconds. If, within
that period, you fail to respond, I'll assume the
answer is yes. Understand?
GRINHILDA
Five seconds - what...
NIGEL
Okay, I'm counting.
Right. Hades. One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus,
three hippopotamus, four-
GRINHILDA
Forget it! I don't have time for this!
NIGEL
Wait! If Ares and Xena aren't conspiring, what
are they doing together?
GRINHILDA
This isn't about Xena and Ares. Xena will play
whatever card she needs to get what she desires.
NIGEL
What if she desires to be a goddess?
GRINHILDA
Fool. Xena doesn't wanna rule the world. She
wants to save it.
NIGEL
How can you be so sure?
GRINHILDA
Because she saved me.
NIGEL
Wait! Where do I go from here?
GRINHILDA
Follow the love.
"Follow the love." Hm-m.
Aphrodite!
NIGEL
"Follow the love." A bizarre command in a world
seemingly devoid of love, yet-
APHRODITE
Get off!
NIGEL
-something has brought these desperate people-
APHRODITE
Stop it!
NIGEL
-to this place in the hope that here, they will find
whatever is missing in their lives. They, too, are
responding to the unspoken command to follow
the love.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get through here,
please? Uh, media here. Media, thank you. Excuse
me. (to Aphrodite) May I ask you a few questions?
Excuse me.
I said, keep your mortal meat hooks-
Oh, my! What's this?!
NIGEL
Aphrodite.
APHRODITE
Hello, there. Hey.
Get off!
I'm here-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-with Aphrodite, the former Goddess of Love.
Aphrodite, forgive me, but didn't you completely
lose your mind after what happened with Caligula?
APHRODITE
Oh, yeah, I did but, Xena pulled me out of my madness
and gave me back my life.
If you can call this Earthbound existence living - destined
to grow old and wrinkled-
She sobs.
-and saggy.
NIGEL
Aphrodite, these people what are they all doing here?
Can you see this?
NIGEL
What?
APHRODITE
This line. How can you not see it? My face looks
like a Roman road map.
NIGEL
Oh, well, I really can hardly even see it-
You can see it!
NIGEL
No. No, uh, Aphrodite, these people, what is it
they want?
APHRODITE
Oh! Well, when I left Olympus, the world was full
of my love, but with me no longer there to replenish
it--it's just faded away - squandered by those who
failed to see how precious it was, and spurned by
others who thought they didn't need it, and now
it's all gone. Poof.
NIGEL
"Poof," indeed. But how could we not have noticed?
APHRODITE
You mortals take love for granted. It slipped through
your fingers so subtly, no one even noticed it was
gone, except for these few who are still drawn to
me from the last breath of love that still clings to
me, but soon there won't even be that.
NIGEL
Aphrodite, is there nothing that you can do?
APHRODITE
As a mortal, no. My powers are tied to Olympus
and there is no way for me to get back there. Xena
made sure of that!
NIGEL
Xena.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle, where's Xena?
GABRIELLE
What are you doing here? Aphrodite.
It's good to see you.
NIGEL
Gabrielle, where's--where's Xena?
GABRIELLE
Will you get lost?!
NIGEL
Look, where is she? I've got to talk to her.
GABRIELLE
You just missed her.
BEOWULF
She's gone in to face Odin. Alone.
NIGEL
Is she gonna kill him?
GABRIELLE
Xena doesn't have the power to kill gods - not anymore.
NIGEL
Ah-h!
Yah!
GABRIELLE
But Odin can kill her.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
Yah!
NIGEL
We're here, before the walls of Valhalla. Xena
entered just minutes ago. You can hear the sounds
of an epic struggle-
-as Xena, possibly the greatest human warrior
in the history of the world, battles with Odin, king
of the Norse gods.
APHRODITE
Gabrielle, I have to say I'm glad to see you're still
traveling with Xena. I was afraid that with me away
from Olympus, you two might not be so close.
GABRIELLE
No, we're--we're partners.
NIGEL
Xena, is attempting to wrestle the golden apples,
from Odin.
XENA
Yah!
NIGEL
But the question still remains - should she succeed
in getting these apples, on whom will she bestow the
gift of godhood?
ODIN (voice-over)
Oh-h-h-h-h-h!
NIGEL
Wait. Something...something appears to be
happening inside Valhalla.
The day may be decided.
Down there.
O-o-o-oh!
XENA
Hurry up.
ODIN
Oh-h! Uh!
GABRIELLE
Xena! Are you all right?!
Couldn't be better.
BEOWULF
Incredible. You have beaten Odin.
XENA
Don't rub his nose in it. (to Odin) You know, you
could have saved yourself a world of trouble if you
just had'a coughed up the fruit in the first place.
ODIN
My pain is almost over. Eat. Then you can destroy
me and your victory will be complete.
XENA
Get a move on.
Ooh!
Xena. Xena.
Oh-h!
NIGEL
Xena. Y--y--y--you--you're not gonna eat that apple,
are you?
XENA
Why ever not?
NIGEL
Because you don't plan to install yourself as a
goddess on Olympus. No. No, your plan is to bring
love back into the world. That apple is for Aphrodite,
isn't it?
XENA
Give this apple to Aphrodite and bring love back
into the world? That's a novel and very unselfish
idea. No, it's not something that the Xena you
know would do.
NIGEL
Well, maybe before I was reporting on the wrong
Xena, Xena.
XENA
Maybe.
ARES
And maybe not.
Ares. Xena--Xena, no, you--you can't send Ares
back to Olympus.
XENA
Now he's telling me what I can't do. I think I can.
It's juicy. Oh, here it comes - oh, yeah. Eyah! All
right! Yeah!
I knew it. You were in this for yourself all along.
ODIN
Of course she was, you moron. Who wouldn't
wanna be a god?
ARES
That's right - who wouldn't wanna be a god? Go
ahead - take a bite. It's good.
GABRIELLE
Don't.
ARES
Hey, there's nothing for you here. You know the
weasel had a good idea - become a goddess - we
could have some kicks.
XENA
Wouldn't want you to be alone on Olympus.
Xena, don't.
Aphrodite will keep you company.
Thank you, Xena.
Mm-m-m-m-m-m. Ah-h-h-h!
It really is good to see you again, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
You've got that gleam in your eye, Beowulf.
Mm-hm-m-m-m. Shall we leave these mortals
to their business, Ares?
ARES
Aphrodite gave you back the power to love. Think
about it, Xena. Think of the possibilities.
Odin...keep these someplace safe.
ARES
I guess you know I'll never stop trying.
XENA
I'd expect nothing less.
Come on. Let's go home.
Xena, I've been preparing for your arrival for weeks.
How did you breach our defenses?
XENA
I cheated.
ODIN
What?
XENA
I had a little help from a friend.
Grinhilda.
GRINHILDA (voice-over)
Xena saved me, you know.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
She changed me back from that horrible creature
I'd become.
NIGEL
This would be the horrible creature that she
turned you into in the first place.
GRINHILDA
That was a different Xena - the dark, evil Xena.
NIGEL
Hm-m.
GRINHILDA
But the real Xena restored my human form and
returned me to Valhalla and she asked me to
unmake the legacy of bloodshed she herself had
left for Odin's people.
NIGEL
When Ares was expelled from Olympus, that must
have made your job a lot easier. Why did Xena
send him back?
XENA (voice-over)
You know why? 'Cause uh-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-well, you can't have love without hate. You can't
have peace without violence, and you certainly
can't have forgiveness without anger. I knew I
couldn't just send Aphrodite back to Olympus without
Ares. It would have thrown the whole world out
of balance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is my people's lust for living that makes us who
we are - the two competing forces of their fierceness
and their passion that defines us. Xena knew that.
So I sent you after Aphrodite while I rounded up Ares.
NIGEL
Wait a minute - you sent me after Aphrodite?
GRINHILDA
"Follow the love"?
NIGEL
You're the mysterious voice in the cave?
GRINHILDA
Xena wanted you out of her hair for a while. She
figured she might as well put you to work getting
Aphrodite for her. I have to go. Odin's still pretty
sore at me.
Hm-m.
Ah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We're heartily sorry for our behaviour. It isn't in our
teachings. We wandered from the path of love.
NIGEL
Oh, but--but you're back on that path, now.
Yes, we're here to atone for our transgressions
against you.
That really isn't nece-
What are you doing? What are these?
EVE
You may flagellate us, for the sins that we committed
against you.
NIGEL
No. No, no, no. That's all right.
EVE
No, we insist.
NIGEL
No, really, you don't have to.
EVE
Do it!
Do I think she did it because of how she feels
about me.
No. I mean don't get me wrong-
-I mean there were sparks. I mean, you could see
that, right? Yeah. But no, she pretty much did it
for the same reason she always does - uh,
redeeming herself for her evil past - "Oh, I killed
so many people! The pain, the pain," you know.
But my offer, it was genuine - I mean, there is a
place for her here. It's not what it used to be, though.
Okay, Chuckles, let's cut it! Okay?! Outta here!
Do not make me zap you!
NIGEL (voice-over)
Gabrielle, Xena.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have only one more question left - the question
that Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening - the
question that has never, ever been answered. Are
you two lovers?
XENA
You're asking if-
NIGEL
That's right - I'm asking - are you two lovers?
That's none 'a your beeswax, Nigel.
GABRIELLE
Okay, Xena, you know you just risked everything
to bring love back into the world.
XENA
So what?
GABRIELLE
I think you should answer the question.
XENA
Oh, you do, do ya?
GABRIELLE
Yeah.
W--wait--wait. Hold it. Hold it.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a world exclusive - for
the first time anywhere, Xena and Gabrielle reveal
the true nature of their relationship. Gabrielle,
Xena...are you two lovers?
XENA
You want the truth?
NIGEL
That's right, Xena - we want the truth, the whole
world wants the truth!
It's like this...technically...
What? What?
It's dead?! The battery - this is the world's greatest
story and you're telling me the battery is dead?!
I don't believe this! Oh, man!
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Adrienne Wilkinson as Eve
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Michael Hurst as Nigel
Renato Bartolomei as Beowulf
Alexander Petersons as Odin
Alexis Arquette as Caligula
Charles Mesure as Michael
Luanne Gordon as Grinhilda
Peter Rowley as Charon
Joel Tobeck as Lucifer
Loren Horsley as Valkyrie #1
Celia Nicolson as Madam
John Clarke as Man
Written by: Chris Black
Directed by: John Laing
Disclaimer: The concept of linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
